Long Baths

A gentle flick of my telekinesis is all I need to turn off the water as I lean against one of the walls of the tub. I've been in here for hours. It's the first thing I did when we got back actually. I had to get out of those clothes.

…my God, those bloody clothes.

I'm going to have Tara burn them. I'll never wear them again. Just the feel of them will have me relive it all over. If I had been in Guardian clothes, I would vow never to transform again for the sake of not having to remember the stickiness of blood and cloth against my skin.

The tub has a leak. I notice it the fifth time as if I had noticed it for the first time. The water has gone down. Another flick and it's pouring from the faucet again. I never liked water but at this moment, it's the only thing keeping me from that terrible silence.

A soft knock at the door only moderately awakens my dulled senses.

"Cornelia?" It's my mother and I'm almost grateful. She always knows when I'm worried or down or upset.

"Cornelia, your friends are here" she says softly. I'd put my hair up in a bun so that I didn't have to use the shower cap or get my hair wet. The moisture has softened it up and I decide it doesn't really matter now. I should wash the dirt and sweat out of it anyway.

I undo my bun and gently tip over the bottle of bubble bath next to the faucet again with my telekinesis. Never in all my fights, all my battles, and all my wars have I ever been so grateful for this power. It's like a stuffed animal or imaginary friend: you know you can talk to them without worrying their humanity will share your secrets. It's a warm and fuzzy place in the back of my mind. I need warm and fuzzy right now.

And it dawns on my practical side that I need my friends right now too.

With the softest click, my imaginary friend unlocks the bathroom door. My back is against the same side as the wall. The bubbles completely cover the surface of the water. I don't turn around.

But I watch in my peripheral vision as four pre-teen girls, my best friends, walk into the bathroom. I see more than they think I see by their actions.

Hay Lin takes no note of my surroundings and crouches parallel to my hidden abdomen.

Taranee's first glance is at the pile of clothes next to the hamper. The clothes I had been wearing.

Will eyes my razor near the sink just to make sure no one is playing mind games with her. And to make sure it's still untouched.

Irma inspects the water. No doubt she, all of them, expected to find it filled with blood and not bubbles.

After all, they know I don't take long baths.

"Cornelia?" Hay Lin whispers. Her voice is so terribly melodic and full of innocence, that for a second I confuse it with the voice of an angel. But in all my hallucinations and dawdling, part of my mind is still sharp. Part of me is still Cornelia Hale, Guardian of Earth. It's just the other part of me that's shattered.

"You'll need to burn them" I say, voice low. I don't even recognize my own voice. It's the first thing I've said in hours, all afternoon in fact. Hay Lin, who is closest, is the only one that hears me. My friend shuts off the water. Imaginary friends should have names. I decide to call him Tee.

Hay understands. Hay always understands. She turns around and relays the message to the others softly. Tara nods and grabs the clothes, putting them as noiselessly as possibly into one of my plastic laundry bags. There is a pool of blood under where they laid and I shudder despite the hot water and my eyes dart back to the bubbles. They look like clouds in the sky and I pick out a few shapes.

"Cornelia, it's—"

"Not my fault" I finish for her, my voice colder than it was moments ago. Will seems a bit surprised. I'm still not watching any of their faces but almost magically, I can fell the air around me change with their emotions. "I'm not blaming myself"

Irma sits down at the edge of the porcelain tub near my feet and the faucet. I feel her stirring the water at my feet with her abilities. I don't know if it's subconscious or if it's supposed to be soothing but nonetheless, I am grateful. She's still not in my line of vision.

"You can't blame us for being worried about you, Cornelia" she states.

No Corny. No Ms. Narcissist. Not one of the teasing nicknames she's accumulated for me over the years. There isn't the slightest bit of humor in her voice. That means more to me than anything else said this entire 'f'ing day and it's what finally snaps me out of it.

I look her straight in the eye, the first pair of eyes I've seen clearly all evening, and that's all I need to verify her words. "Thank you" is all that escapes my lips.

My eyes find Taranee's beyond hers, standing cautiously with my clothes. She was going to get rid of them, no questions asked. Clean, paranoid, inquisitive Taranee just picked up a pile of bloody germ filled clothes and shoved them into a bag way too small without saying a word.

Hay Lin's eyes had never left my face, though I never looked straight into them until now. Her eyes were filled with such concern and such empathy that unless one knew her as I did, they'd never detect the glimmer of hope that had begun to sparkle at my words.

Lastly, there was Will. I actually had to turn my head to look at her and in my mind, it gives more weight to this particular silent conversation than the other three. If I had looked straight in her eyes, I would have thought she was thinking of nothing but the present. But my eyes observe her posture before they reach her actual face and I see the way her fingers are curled slightly upwards.

She's planning. Planning on a way of making me better, planning on a way of easing the pain, planning on a way to remedy this, at whatever the cost.

I attempt to glance at myself in the reflection of the water but it suddenly ripples out. I hadn't even felt the tear slip down my cheek. It's my first one. I take in a sharp breath after the quick exhale of a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

Because as close as my friends are, I don't want them to see me cry my heart and soul out over something like this.

I bite my lip and squeeze my eyes shut as I strangle a sob that threatens to make it out my throat. "I'll see you tomorrow" I squeak, still staring at the water as another tear ripples the surface.

It sounds so stupid in my mind. I should be telling them what it means to me that they care this much about me. I should be telling them how I couldn't have better friends, how I love them and always will. Instead, I'm telling them to leave.

But they understand. Thank God, they understand. Hay Lin rises to her feet and places a gentle kiss on the crown of my head. The kiss of an angel. Irma touches the part of my hair that is still dry with what I presume to be a sympathetic smile on her face and follows out after Hay Lin. Taranee whispers a small 'bye', her arms full with the bag of clothes. And then Will crouches next to me and places something on the rim of the tub.

My eyes can't help but drift to the dark shape. My hand can't help but reach out and touch it. My ears can't help but remember. My skin can't help but tingle. Another two tears make it past my eyes.

Will warmly places her hand over mine as I pet the object. She says no words but our eyes meet again and I nod twice. She squeezes my hand and releases it, getting up to leave.

Tee sees her out, shutting and locking the door as she leaves. I sob freely now, pushing more tears from my eyes, forcing my hands to clench the object tighter. I cry for about minute until I am swept over with exhaustion I'd been keeping pent up in me all day. It hits me like a hammer and I am far too weak to even out up the smallest of fights. I give in willingly as my hand slips off back into the tub and I lean my head back against the wall, shutting my eyes.

"Have you ever given death a second thought?"

"And a third and a fifth and a sixteenth" he responds. "Who hasn't?"

"And you're still not scared? About what happens to us when all's said and done? You do risk your life every day"

"Should I be?" he continues, holding her hand. "It can't be any worse than this. And it is inevitable"

Ten heartbeats resound in the silence.

Then he resumes. "You're scared you're going to loose me aren't you?"

"Of course. Are you going to tell me I shouldn't' be?"

Six heartbeats this time.

"Yes"

"I have a right to fear and grief…"

"As I have a right to courage and happiness, don't I?"

"But…it'll still hurt"

"Of course, my heart. Of course"

Seven heartbeats then him again.

"What do you want done with your remains when you pass away?"

"Don't I have time to consider?"

"Not if you pass away tomorrow" Eight heartbeats. "I want to be cremated. And cast into a strong west wind"

"Curious" she says. "Why not buried? Perhaps, next to your ancestors?"

"A wise man once told me, it is better to cover the land with love than to have it cover you with its hate"

Five heartbeats this time.

"Good advice" Two beats. "Why a west wind?"

A smile.

"I like sunsets"

Another smile.

"Me too"

A skipped beat and warmth. His warmth.

"I'm not going anywhere from here. I'll wait for you"

A kiss. "Thank you"

I woke up shivering. Without the refilling of the water, the tub had emptied out while I slept. Tee fetches me a towel for my hair and a robe as I get up and step out of the tub. I put my hair up in a turban and drape myself in the robe. I grab the sword and take it with me to my room, placing it delicately and gently on my bed. It is an object to be revered.

I unsheathe it a little bit, grabbing it by the emerald studded handle and pulling about five inches out. At the top of the blade, engraved into the polished metal, read the words:

To: Cornelia
All my love

I smile. A very small bittersweet smile. Another first for the evening as I re-sheathe the beautiful sword, my beautiful sword, and stare out my window.

I wonder if Hay Lin could make me a west wind…

I wanted to write a Cornelia angst story that was true to her character. I've read some on fanfiction that are good angst stories but I just don't see Cornelia as being suicidal like that, especially not in the series where she's a little more…uptight.