Ryan's desolation

Ryan walked the streets aimlessly. He had no destination in mind. Just a need to distance himself from what had just taken place. He needed time to think. The streets around the Moulin Rouge in the Pigalle district of Montmatre were still a hive of activity even at this late … or probably more correctly 'early morning' … hour. The street prostitutes, peep shows and lap-dance bars all spilling on to the sidewalks … their clientele resembling the waste of mankind.

He was approached by a few 'ladies of the night' … all offering to ease his pain and show him a good time. A few beggars had taken in the expensive cut of his clothing and asked for his help but he had ignored them all … and they had left him alone. It was obvious to them that he was zoned out. He didn't even acknowledge that they were there. They all just assumed he was high on something. Best to leave him alone.

He crossed the street and left the brightly lit areas and headed off into the darkened streets that seemed to suit his mood so much better. These streets were nearly deserted. He was followed for a while and if it hadn't been for his powerful build then he may very well have been mugged … but the guy that looked him over thought better of it. Who would walk around in this temperature without a coat? He figured that Ryan must have been on something. Plus he looked like he could fight back, so the potential attacker changed his mind and decided to look for easier prey.

Ryan realised it was cold. In his haste to get out of the club and away from everything that had happened in there, he'd left his coat in the cloak room when he'd walked out … but it didn't matter. He liked the cold. He was hoping that the cold might finally get into his bones and make him numb … then he might stop hurting. There was an ache in his chest that was a physical pain. He wondered if it was actually possible to feel your heart breaking inside you?

Why didn't she tell him? Sure he was bothered by the fact that she'd slept with Karl but he'd had a lot of one-night stands himself, he couldn't hold that against her. But none of them had any emotional connection like Marissa obviously had with Karl. Had she lied because Karl was a serious boyfriend and Marissa still had feelings for him? If that wasn't the case … then why wasn't she honest with him in the first place?

He looked around and wondered if he was lost? But then he thought that to be lost, you had to have somewhere that you wanted to go, that you couldn't find … and he didn't ... He had no where to go.

Ryan shuffled on. No idea where he'd been or where he was headed. He knew that he couldn't go back to Marissa's. He wasn't ready to talk to her yet. He needed to try to understand just what it all meant. Had he rushed her in to a marriage that she hadn't been ready for? Had he some how forced her to lie?

He continued on and came across a large brightly lit hotel and wondered about going inside and getting a room. But then thought better of it. He wouldn't be able to sleep anyhow. He thought that he could always drink him self into oblivion in one of the bars so that it wouldn't hurt anymore … but he was having enough trouble trying to sort out his thoughts with a clear head … he'd have no hope with a few drinks in him.

His thoughts were only of Marissa. Why would she lie to him? Why?

It's not as if he had been an angel when they'd been apart. But at least he had been honest with her when the time came.

It wasn't the fact that she'd slept with Karl that bothered him the most. Although the thought of her with any one else was hard to deal with. But why had she lied to him? And if she lied about this … had she lied about other things? He didn't know what to think.

And why had Sasha suggested that she was after his money and that she was like her mother? Surely nothing could be further from the truth?

But then what was the truth? It seemed that Marissa didn't always tell the truth. He couldn't help but think back to years earlier when he had returned from his time in Chino with Theresa. Marissa had lied about DJ to him. He had asked her if she was dating anyone and she had said no. She had kept her relationship with DJ from him and had continued to see DJ even after she had accepted Ryan's invitation to the kick off carnival. He could still remember how he felt when he saw the two of them making out in the driveway of her house. He hadn't been able to believe that she would do that to him. He had spent the whole summer in Chino thinking about her. Thoughts of her had kept him awake night after night and it was often only through pure physical exhaustion that he could finally manage to fall asleep. Was that what had happened here? Did she not want to break off whatever she had going on with Karl? Would she have been happy to have the two of them on the go at once? Sure when he had overheard them she had been telling Karl that what they'd had didn't mean much to her. But what did their marriage mean to her if she was prepared to lie to him?

And of course there was the other time that she lied to him. The biggest time … the time that they still had never dealt with. He still didn't think that he was ready to even go there.

Round and round the same things went in his head. Questions galore but answers none.

As the first hint of dawn showed in the sky he looked up and realised that he was near the Eiffel tower. He wandered to the forecourt and sat on a park bench thinking about the fact that he had actually been to the top of it less than 24 hours ago. How had his world come crashing down in such a small amount of time?

---

Karl had finally managed to get Marissa home. After her shocking confession at the club … he had felt bad about stopping her from following Ryan. Although he knew that it had been important for he and Marissa to sort out what was going on between them.

If only she had told him in the first place that she was married then he would have kept away. Sure there were heaps of married women that were happy to sleep with him. But he'd always known that Marissa wasn't that type. That was one of the things that appealed to him when he was considering her becoming a permanent part of his life. She wouldn't cheat on her husband. He liked that in her.

So why hadn't she told him in the first place? It seemed that she liked keeping things to her self if she hadn't bothered to tell Ryan about sleeping with him. Maybe she wasn't quite the person that he'd always thought she was.

He could tell from the state that she was in that she really loved Ryan but he had no idea how to help her find him. He'd tried to get her to go to bed, telling her that he was sure that Ryan would appear by the morning but she would have none of it.

She was just sitting beside the telephone and every few minutes she'd pick it up and call again. She had been doing it continuously ever since they'd got here … calling Ryan's cell. He'd had to convince her to put the phone down for a few minutes in between her calls just in case Ryan was trying to return the call.

He didn't really want to be here anymore but he didn't think that he could leave her either. It was nearly 6 in the morning and he knew that he would have to make a decision soon and maybe leave her to her own devices but she was in such a state that he was scared about what she might do.

---

All Marissa could think about was finding Ryan. She had no idea what she was going to say to him when she did. She just needed to find him. She needed to be with him.

Everything that had happened was going over and over in her mind. What would he think of her? How could she fix this? Why hadn't she just told him when he'd asked?

She picked up the phone and tried his cell again.

Still no answer. She tried to think of where he might be and in desperation she picked up the phone and dialled again. But this time to a different number.

---

Summer answered the phone. "Hey girl. About time you called. I hope that you're nearly finished over there because I need you back here to help me with …"

"Summer." Marissa barked into the phone and cut her off in mid sentence, she was in no mood to listen to Summer rattle on about wedding plans.

Summer pulled back stunned. She could tell from the tone of Marissa's voice that something was wrong, dreadfully wrong. "Coop. What's wrong?"

Marissa regretted being short with her friend but right now she could only think about Ryan. "Is Seth home?" Marissa asked.

"He's just gone to pick up some take out. What's wrong?"

"Has Ryan called?" Marissa asked the desperation now evident in her voice.

"Honey what's happened?" Summer said. She could tell that something was wrong.

"Summer … " Marissa started to cry. She just wanted Ryan. She thought that just maybe he would have called his brother to talk to him She couldn't think of anyone else that he would want to speak to. At this point, she just needed to know that he was okay. What if something had happened to him? She would never forgive herself.

---

Ryan sat looking at the Eiffel tower in front of him as the morning glow flooded the sky. He knew that he would never have gone up it yesterday without her. But when she was beside him … it had seemed that anything was possible. He needed that. He needed her. He knew that he had to go back to the apartment and see Marissa. He still had no answers. Hopefully she would supply them. He went to stand up … realising for the first time just how cold he really was. His body was reluctant to move. But he forced it to obey and hailed a passing cab.

The time had come.