Regrets?

Ryan's breathing had not even returned to normal before the guilt invaded his consciousness. What was he doing? Well … he knew what he was doing … there was no question about that … but … there was no doubt that he shouldn't have been doing it. Withdrawing from her he rolled to the side and lay beside her … waiting. What for … he wasn't sure.

Marissa felt him pull out and instantly felt bereft. He lay beside her silently. Not touching her. Their breathing still laboured as they both returned to earth with a thud. If there had been even a skerrick of doubt that what they'd done was wrong … it was removed as soon as he didn't pull her into his arms. Normally he would draw her in to him and cocoon her and they would bask in the afterglow of their love making but not this time. They knew what they'd done was wrong. It felt good for a short while but it didn't fix anything. It was pure escapism. Marissa reached for the sheet to cover herself, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Why? When Ryan knew every square inch of her body probably better than she did herself …. She had no idea. She desperately wanted to cuddle up to him. To have him put his arm around her and pull her close … and tell her that everything was all right. But that wasn't going to happen. There may have been only a few inches between them … but it may as well have been a brick wall.

Ryan waited.

Marissa searched for something to say ... but couldn't find where to start.

The elephant in the room got larger by the minute.

Finally Ryan broke the awkward silence and said. "We need to talk…"

Marissa hesitated. She had no idea where to start, so maybe if he did … "So talk." she said softly.

"Not here. I think we should get dressed and go into the lounge room." Ryan said flatly.

"Why not here?" Marissa asked. At least he was close to her here.

"Because I can't think straight here!" Ryan said exasperated. "When we're here … like this … look what happens." He said admitting his weakness whenever she was around him. He was angry at himself for not being able to resist her in the first place.

"You make it sound like I did this to you deliberately … that you didn't want to … that I forced you …" Marissa started. She knew that she was being unreasonable but on some level she thought that even starting an argument with him was better than having to deal with what was to come.

"You know that's not true." Ryan said hanging his head. "I wanted it just as much as you did … I always do." Ryan added the self-disgust evident in his voice.

Marissa turned to him petrified by the tone of what he'd said as much as the actual words. "Is that so bad?"

Ryan looked at her. "It is when we have so much to sort out." He said. "If we stay here … like this " he indicated their nakedness " … we both know what will end up happening."

"And obviously you don't want that to happen anymore? I'm so sorry I forced you into it." Marissa said cattily. She knew she was being unreasonable and yet she couldn't help herself. She was scared of the alternatives.

"Ris. Please." Ryan said and looked over at her.

Marissa felt her heart break at the plea clearly evident in his eyes. She sat up and put her feet over the side of the bed and meekly said. "Fine." But all she could think was … would it be fine? What was he going to say once he knew the full story? How could she make him understand why she'd done what she'd done?

Ryan watched her as she sat quietly on the side of the bed. His eyes traced the outline of her naked back and all he wanted to do was to pull her back in to him. Wrap her in his arms and hold her close. But he knew that it couldn't happen. Not yet. They had too many issues that they needed to sort out.

He moved to get out of the bed as well and picked up the hastily discarded boxers from the floor and pulled them back on. He grabbed a t-shirt from the chair and made his way to the door and turned to her still sitting naked on the side of the bed. "Would you like a drink?"

"No." she replied as she stood and pulled on one of his wife beaters.

Ryan still stood at the door watching her as she moved. It took every bit of willpower he had not to go and take her in his arms. But he kept re-playing Sandy's words over and over in his head. For them to have any future they needed to sort this out. It would only get more difficult the longer they left it. He turned and walked into the kitchen, getting a bottle of water from the fridge on the way passed and then sat on the sofa waiting for her to join him.

---

Marissa slowly dragged her feet towards what seemed to be awaiting doom. She couldn't read Ryan at all. When he'd showed up downstairs and saved her from the paparazzi she'd felt like everything was going to be all right. But now …. She knew that she owed him an explanation but every time she had tried to compose one in her mind it had sounded so lame. She sat gingerly on the sofa beside him. Not touching but close enough that she could almost sense his nearness. Even that gave her some comfort. She looked ahead. Not wanting to see the condemnation in his eyes. "So where do we start?" she whispered softly.

"How about you tell me about Karl?" Ryan said trying hard to keep the jealousy and bitterness from being evident in his words.

"What about him?' Marissa asked her head hung low.

"I'd like the truth this time. If we have any chance of making this marriage work you need to be honest with me. I may not be perfect … far from it … but I don't believe that I have ever knowingly lied to you."

Marissa's heart broke a little more with every word that he said. Was there a chance that he wanted out of the marriage? Had they come this far only to have her destroy it by her well meant stupidity? She had to get him to understand. She knew what a life without him was like and she couldn't go back there.

She began slowly and softly. Ryan had to lean closer to her just to make out what she was saying. "I've worked with Karl ever since I moved here. And I didn't lie. I have never dated him." She looked up at Ryan and could see the confusion clearly on his face. "But a few times … " she didn't think that she could go on. How do you tell your husband that you lied to him about sleeping with someone else? She knew that Ryan had slept around while they were apart but he had told her honestly and truthfully about it. And he didn't even remember their names. They meant nothing to him. This was different. This was a friend ... a friend that she had sought comfort from … that she hadn't wanted to give up. But that's all he was. A friend …. A friend with benefits.

"Marissa?" Ryan said urging her to continue. "I need to know." He had no idea just what the details were and a part of him was scared to find out. He gathered from what Sasha had said that they'd slept together but how and why were still a mystery to him. And the fact that she'd lied about it made him petrified that the relationship was important to her. Just how important he needed to know. "I need to know all of it."