A/N I hope that you llike this post. It is fairly intense and not the sort of thing that I usually write so I hope that it all hangs together okay. Drama is not my forte but I guess that you'll tell me what you think.

The explanation

Marissa glanced at Ryan. She could see the worry and concern written on his face and felt guilty that she was responsible for putting it there. "Promise me that you won't run away?"

"What?" Ryan asked.

"I want you to promise that you will hear me out. If we are going to do this I need to know that you aren't going to take off on me half way through?"

"Why would I ..?" Ryan said sceptically … wondering just how bad what she had to tell him really was.

"You did last night. You didn't even give me a chance to explain." Marissa said now grasping on to the idea that she could make him feel a little guilty about what he'd done as well … rather than everything being her fault. "We could have had this conversation last night."

Ryan saw red. "Sorry. But I think that we should have had this conversation before I even met Karl. As for last night … I'm sorry if I wasn't feeling up to finding out about my wife's … what? … affair … fling … bit on the side … I don't even know what it is … in public. Do you have any idea how I felt? When Sasha told me about you and Karl I defended you. I thought I could trust you. You of all people. The person I wanted to share my life with. And then I find out that you'd lied to me."

Marissa was startled when she heard him use the past tense. "You said 'wanted to share my life with … not want'. Does that you mean you've changed your mind and don't want to anymore?"

"How would I know what I want? I don't even know what went on because you won't tell me. Marissa … whatever it is, it can't be as bad as my insecurities are leading me to believe at this point. Please let's just get it out there. And then we'll try to deal with it."

Marissa knew he was right. She had to try to explain. But where to start? "Where do you want me to start? With what happened or why I didn't tell you?"

"I don't know. I guess I'd like to know exactly what happened first. My imagination has been in overdrive ever since I overheard you talking to him."

"Okay." She looked straight in front of her not wanting to see the condemnation and disappointment in Ryan's eyes that she knew she would find there once she'd revealed everything to him. "As I said … I've worked with Karl ever since I got here. And he has become … a … good friend." Marissa said and was actually aware of Ryan flinching slightly as she said the last words, recalling that she'd used the same phase to introduce Ryan to her friends at work. "But … a few times over the last couple of years when I was feeling down he ended up in my bed." She waited for some reaction from Ryan but got nothing and so continued. "On each occasion we'd all been out together as a group. We never 'dated' as such. I didn't even realise that anyone else knew what had happened until Sasha said something to me just the other day. We would have a few drinks all together and then Karl would volunteer to see me home. And most times that's all he did. He sometimes tried to go further but I was usually not interested. But there were times …" Marissa glanced at Ryan but he wasn't looking at her. She had no idea what was going on in his head. She continued. "How does that old Simon and Garfunkel song go? 'There were times when I was so lonesome, I took some comfort there.'" She waited for a reaction from Ryan. But when he didn't respond she added. "It meant nothing."

Ryan ran over everything that she'd said in his mind and then commented. "Uh huh. To you maybe. But obviously not to him … from what I overheard." Ryan wanted to believe her but how could he? If that was all there was to it then why wouldn't she have told him in the first place? She knew about his past. Knew what he'd been like. There was no way that he could question her sleeping with someone else when they were apart especially after the way that he'd behaved. What concerned him the most was that she wanted to stay friends with this guy. It was no passing one night stand. She had a relationship with him. Just what form that relationship took he still had no idea. But it was obviously a relationship that she valued. Just how much was the question?

"I can't help what he thought. I can only tell you what I thought." She added.

Ryan nodded. "So … if that's the case then why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you mean 'if that's the case'? Don't you believe me?" she asked.

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know what to believe anymore. If that's all there was to it … then why didn't you tell me in the first place? I can't help but think that there is more to it."

"There isn't. But if I'd told you back at the start … then you wouldn't have even given him a chance. He's important to me. He's not just some faceless body that I slept with like you did." Marissa said hoping that Ryan would back off a bit.

"Right ..." Ryan said the doubt obvious in his tone. "I guess that's the problem isn't it? He obviously IS important to you. So it did mean something ... What exactly does he mean to you? "

"Nothing. He's just a friend from work."

"A friend that you weren't prepared to give up?" Ryan commented.

"I couldn't. I owed him." Marissa replied.

"Owed him for what? It sounds like he got more than enough as payment for the occasional lift home." Ryan stated getting angry because he was sure that she was still keeping something from him and not telling him the full story.

Marissa's head drooped even lower. "I owed him … because I used him." Marissa whispered.

"You used him? It sounds to me like it was the other way around. That he plied you with drinks and then took advantage of you."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you. Because I knew that you would see it like that and hate him for it. Don't you understand? It wasn't like that. I USED HIM. I'd numbed my life to such an extent that every so often I needed to see if I could still actually feel something. Sure I had a few drinks to take the edge off but I was never drunk. The drinks were just an excuse for me to be able to behave the way I did and not admit to myself exactly what I was doing. But I just needed to feel something. To prove that I still could. But do you really want the honest truth?" she asked.

Ryan nodded. He couldn't help but be scared about what she was going to say but they'd come too far to stop now.

"The reason I feel so bad was because I never felt anything for him. I used him. Sure I'd let him use my body but the rest of me was never there. He must have thought I was the worst fuck in the world because I would lie there like a lump of wood and as he pounded in to me I would close my eyes and try to pretend that it was you. To pretend that I was back in a tiki hut on the beach at Newport and we were making love for the first time. But it never worked. He was nothing like you. And each time it happened, I'd wake up in the morning and be more disgusted with myself than I was the time before. The last time it happened was a few days before I accepted the movie role. I woke up with him in my bed and I knew that I had to do something to change my life. The main reason for coming back to LA was to find out what had happened to you. I needed to either find you or get over you … I couldn't go on the way I was. But I was never interested in Karl. I used his body to try to see if mine was still capable of feeling anything. But it meant absolutely nothing to me. And I didn't want to tell you because I was embarrassed about it, about my behaviour, about the sort of person I'd become. This was supposed to be our honeymoon. I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't want you to know what sort of person you'd married, in case you changed your mind."

Ryan was stunned. He sat for a moment trying to take in everything that she'd said and then he slowly reached over and took her hand in his, linking his fingers with hers and squeezing gently. "I will never change my mind. We're in this together."