Chapter 2 (A longer chapter! Woot!)
"Attention, all personnel. There will be a surprise at lunch time today at 13:00 hours. Sadly, the answer is not fresh vegetables. Come one, come all to witness something you're not likely to see again soon. That's all, folks."
The PA woke Hawkeye and Trapper, who had been comfortably sleeping off the effects of another night of drinking. Trapper sat up and rubbed his eyes, whereas Hawkeye would have literally rolled out of bed had the Still not been sitting next to it. Cursing himself for nearly destroying so sacred an object, Hawkeye rolled back into his cot and he too sat up.
"D'ya hear that, Hawk? A surprise at lunch!" Trapper was quite excited at the idea of something different (new wound varieties excluded of course).
"Well, it ain't vegetables, the PA said, so it must be something non-edible… even this lot wouldn't trumpet the arrival of a different variety of brown tasteless slab." Hawkeye hauled himself out of bed and started to get dressed, as did Trapper.
A thought struck Hawkeye. "Hey, Trap."
"What is it, Hawk?"
"Where's Frank? I mean, I don't remember seeing him in here when we went to sleep, and we were up pretty late."
"Didn't we ask that last night? Let's not get too worried." Trapper seemed, if anything, supremely unconcerned.
"We did… but that was last night, and he's still not here…"
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. He's probably sneaking another snog with Margaret."
Hawkeye realised Trapper was probably right. "I suppose… well, let's get over to the Mess Tent and see what this big surprise is."
With that, the two doctors headed out of the Swamp towards the Mess Tent.
Trapper and Hawkeye were half-expecting many things; Klinger in a uniform/dressed up as something ridiculous, Margaret being civil, even something other than brown tasteless slab. As they walked into the Mess Tent, they were greeted by something they never thought they'd see.
Frank Burns donning a chef's hat and dishing out food.
One could almost hear the two's jaws crash onto the ground. Right in front of them was a smiling Frank, cracking jokes as he happily spooned onto trays servings of the ubiquitous "mashed potato." They couldn't believe their eyes.
"Pierce! McIntyre!" Frank spotted them and cast a joyful wave, looking happier than they'd seen him in months. "How do I look?" he asked, showing off the chef's hat he was sporting.
Trapper and Hawkeye glanced at each other. "It's, er, very nice, Frank," called out Trapper, slowly and with as much sincerity as he could muster, which admittedly wasn't a lot.
"Why, thank you. I think I could possibly get used to this!" called back Frank.
Hawkeye and Trapper joined the end of the line. When they got to Frank, they took the opportunity to give him a look from head to toe. Frank was beaming. Knowing that Frank rarely beamed about anything, they resolved to find out what was making him so damn happy.
"Well? Would you like some tasty, er, meat, or some flavoursome mashed potatoes?" Frank seemed all too eager to dish them up some "food."
Hawkeye answered, "Frank, we'll take the slab and the mystery mash, and don't put spin on it, you'll get our hopes up." He motioned to Trapper, who nodded in agreement.
"Two slabs and potatoes, coming up!" Frank splattered the "food" onto their trays. "Hope you like it!"
"Frank, that's ridiculous. This food is crap and everyone knows it." Hawkeye was beginning to get a little irritated.
As Hawkeye and Trapper sat down to eat, they noticed something very strange.
"It's not the food, Hawk," mumbled Trapper through another mouthful of 'potato,' "because that tastes the damn same; if anything, a little worse. It's the people! Look at them!"
Hawkeye turned around to see a tent-full of people, smiling and looking as they were thoroughly enjoying the food; a huge difference from their normal glum and/or disgusted looks. They all thought the food was fabulous. Hawkeye could even overhear snippets of conversation.
"…and Frank seemed really happy, I don't know what's gotten into him, he hates this stuff…"
"…that chef's hat looks ridiculous, but then again Frank looks ridiculous without it…"
"…the food tastes so much better! Igor must have done something to it because this is fantastic!..."
The whole tent was abuzz with conversation relating to the food and Frank's appearance behind the counter. Hawkeye and Trapper didn't bother joining them, choosing to sit and eat until they were finished.
Since there were no incoming casualties, Trapper and Hawkeye took the opportunity to sit in the Swamp, enjoying a martini… or three…
"You know, Hawk,"
"Mmmm?"
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about the Frank matter, which is a big deal because I don't normally do a lot of thinking."
Hawkeye couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, and?"
"And I think that Frank has a sinister motive."
"What, Frank trying to poison us? That's ridiculous. He knows that if we got sick, he'd have to do our work, and Frank would never want that. Plus, he'd have to take care of us and put up with us in the Swamp."
"I hadn't thought of the last one, good point Hawk…"
'Maybe Margaret asked him to."
"Nah, Margaret would want Frank to sit next to her always, and he couldn't do that if he was serving up slabs."
"Attention all personnel. Incoming choppers with wounded. Report to the hospital, all personnel."
The PA announcement cut short their discussion. The two men put down their martinis and got up. As Hawkeye stood up, he felt a little woozy.
"Hawkeye, you all right?"
"Of course I am; I've just had three martinis. Let's get to Pre-Op."
The two headed out the door, with Trapper in front. However, he noticed about halfway to Pre-Op that Hawkeye wasn't jogging next to him as normal. Trapper turned around just in time to see Hawkeye collapse on the hard, brown earth…
"HAWKEYE!"
…to be continued…
Well, if that isn't an overused "cliffhanger" then I don't know what is… Read and review! Don't forget, you gotta write 'em to get 'em.