Chapter 16: I'll be better

Some Colonel I make; can't even keep my kids from being stolen, burned, shot…

Roy thought to himself as he sat in the waiting room of the infirmary. It was true Edward had been shot, the wound in his lower back. Fury had called down to inform Maes and then they'd just left everyone there to deal with Anise. They were all here now, well except for Maes and Riza, they had taken Anise and Mr. Lansdale to cells. But as far as that Roy didn't know anything else at all other than Ed was in surgery and Lily was down the hall being looked over.

This entire mess was insanity pure and simple and for the third time in his life Roy didn't know what too do and felt like his world teetered upon the brink of upheaval, despair, and utter destruction.

It had been awhile since they'd arrived here in the infirmary and every second was like a year. Too long... but he didn't know how much time had actually passed, only that it was well after dark and this god forsaken room was too cold, too barren, too devoid of everything pleasant.

He looked at his hands, holding them before his face a little. It had been a long time since they'd shaken this terribly, this almost uncontrollably. Hell his whole body shook with fatigue and stress so much so, he could barely tolerate it.

"It'll be okay Colonel. Ed's never given up before and Lily hasn't either." Fury said softly from beside him. The young man seemed just as shaken as he was.

"Yeah, you shouldn't worry Sir; they'll be up and causing trouble in no time." Breda added.

Roy smirked. He wanted to believe them, wanted to say 'Yeah, you're right', but after all of this, all that had happened. God… He almost feared Lily waking, feared what her mental state would be and if Edward died now… Would he be burying two children?

"Colonel Mustang…" a soft voice, absent of all it's typical good humor said from the doorway of the waiting room.

Roy looked up but didn't really see Dr. Hiasen. The man gave him a small smile and sat beside him in the uncomfortable brown chairs. He wasn't the type of man to be this quiet and devoid of cheerfulness and just that alone sent warning signals to what was left of Roy's mind.

"I think I should start with the bad and end with the good." Hiasen said softly and rubbed his hands upon his knees. "I just came from surgery with Edward… The bullet to his lower back took his right kidney. We tried to save it but it was impossible. We were able to stop the internal bleeding but…"

Ed lost a kidney?! Internal bleeding… but? But what?! Roy didn't think he could handle anymore. How much more was there?

Hiasen gave him a sympathetic look and rested his hand upon his shoulder. "Edward lost a lot of blood,"

Roy shoved his hand away. "You are not going to tell me that my son is dying!" He snapped, glaring, panting, nearly panicking. His heart was clenching so violently inside his chest he felt the pressure so intensely, he was sure it just might burst here and now. He couldn't lose Edward, he couldn't! If he lost Ed, he might lose Alphonse and Lily too.

No God please, don't take them from me. I'll die.

Hiasen sighed and rubbed his face then ran his hand through his hair. "We're giving him blood transfusions; it would help if anyone on your staff or who is related to him who has the same blood type could donate some."

Roy shook his head but nodded even still. "I will if I'm a match," He could barely say it. "I'll do anything, just don't let him die."

"We're doing everything we can Colonel. It's pretty dark, but I have hope for him. Now about Lily," He paused to let Roy take it in. "She's dehydrated and in need of nourishment. We've stared her on some liquids to get her hydrated again. She's suffering from fatigue and hasn't yet awakened. I think in her case considering the mental trauma and how you found her she'll wake on her own when she's ready. As for her hands and fingers, there are no broken bones and we've removed all splinters and cleaned all of the cuts, got some ointment upon them and wrapped them up. She'll be alright and should awaken soon."

Roy nodded slowly, closing his eyes. God he was so tired. Ed… God Edward. "May I see them?"

"Of course, Lily's just down the hall in room 104 and Edward is in 105. I thought in case Lily awoke she shouldn't see her big brother right away. He's not awake from the surgery yet and I didn't want to frighten her with the Ivs, heart monitor, and such. I remember she didn't really like all of the equipment before." Hiasen replied.

He wanted to see them both, wanted to hold them both but knew the doctor was right. He didn't want to risk scaring Lily anymore than she'd already been terrified. But who did he go to first? What if… No, maybe…

"Can we put them in the same room and pull the curtain so if she should wake, she can't see right away?" His daughter was smart, strong, if it was explained to her; she'd understand and not be afraid.

"We can, I'll have some nurses get started on moving Lily. Now as for you Colonel, I know you don't want to hear this, but I need you to do something for me."

He was supposed to do something? There wasn't anything wrong with him, he didn't understand.

Hiasen smiled. "You're worn out, think about it. The last thing those kids need is to see their father so drained. They'll need you to be the strong ground to stand upon. So I'll have a nurse come to draw some blood before you see the kids but as soon as you're in there with them I want you to rest. I'll have some one bring you something to eat, you need to eat, just a little and then try to get at least an hour of sleep. I promise to wake you if anything happens, if either Lily or Edward wakes."

But he didn't want to sleep!

"Please Colonel, don't do it for you, do it for them. They'll need you."

Roy found himself promising. He did say he'd do anything and if one hour of sleep, a little food, and some blood was what it took to make Edward and Lily better he'd give it gladly, he'd give his own life.

Throbbing could only describe the ache within his chest for he didn't think the pain could grow any worse than it had. Of course Roy knew that was wrong. He knew if the conditions of either Lily or Edward darkened or Edward died…

He tried not to think of that possible future as he leaned forward in his chair, the chair Fury had placed in between the two beds, and reached out to hold their hands. It was probably so selfish to be in here with Alphonse out in the waiting room wanting to be in here, but only one person was allowed in to the room at a time, a stupid rule, and he had to be in here incase Lily awoke.

The Colonel sighed. He was too tired to think on who had the most right, which was what or what ever. He was just too… tired period and seeing Edward like this, the Ivs, the heart monitor, so pale, his face slack and devoid of that mischievous grin or scowl… Roy was about to truly break. He knew it; he could feel it and he'd only been this low once before in his life, swore to never allow himself to come back to this place again. He wasn't any good to anyone broken.

"Ed…" He said softly. "Ed you can't go. I forbid it." He waited for Edward to sit up and call him a bastard, tell him to shut up and defy him with words but Ed didn't move.

"Lily wake up and talk some sense into your brother." He breathed. She didn't budge or bat an eye either.

"Damn it if you two don't…" Getting angry with them wasn't going to help matters and realizing that only infuriated him. It wasn't fair, he was being denied the chance to even fight with them, argue, give orders, compromise.

"Don't leave me… don't leave Al, we need you both." He whispered and felt a tear trickle down his cheek. "Just… please, I love you both so much."

Hours passed, long hours and soon night was day, marked with the sunlight peaking in from behind a break in the clouds and shinning into the stark white room. He slept off and on, the stressful kind that didn't help much at all, didn't seem to do him much good other than to prove how worn he really was. He waited, seeing the change in shift by the change in nurse. Riza came but didn't report anything. Al came in for a bit, Maes, Havoc, but he remained rooted to his chair.

Hohenheim came, Al must have called him. Roy supposed he'd forgotten too but wasn't too remorseful about the forgetting and he wasn't going to leave the room while the man was in here. It might upset Edward if he woke to find his real father in here and not Roy.

"He said I was hurting him." Hohenheim said after sometime.

Roy lifted his eyes from his still sleeping daughter. "Edward?"

Hohenheim sighed. "Yes, but he told me not to leave, for Al's sake."

"Sounds like him." Roy muttered.

"It seems that's all I ever seem to do, hurt my sons."

Oh nice, Roy thought sardonically. This was just what he needed, to listen to this man wallow in self pity at a time like this.

"I had one before Edward and Alphonse, a very long time ago."

That got Roy's attention in the fullest. "Another? Where is he? Do you even know?" It exited his mouth a lot harsher than he'd intended. "Did you abandon him as well?"

Hohenheim seemed to wince a little. "No, not in the way I did Ed and Al. My first son… died from mercury poisoning. To this day I still don't know how he got a hold of it, he never went into my study and lab without permission and I never left it within reach, accessible."

Mercury poisoning? Well one could get a hold of mercury if they broke a thermometer… Ugh, he wasn't going to try and go over the possibilities of a child lost who knew how many years ago and surely there was an investigation into it at the time.

"I'm sorry," It was all he could say.

"I am too," There was a darker, more pained note of guilt rooted deep within the man's voice, "I'm not going to allow another son of mine to die before me." Hohenheim breathed quietly.

It was Roy's turn to feel accountable. If he hadn't taken Edward into his home, hadn't sent Edward to get Lily in the first place, none of this nightmare would have befallen the kid.

"Don't blame yourself Colonel Mustang, Edward wouldn't want that." Hohenheim said. "He loves you too much to ever want you to feel at fault for any of this. You're not to blame and I will be disappointed in you if you try to blame yourself for what's happened. You didn't know, he didn't know.

"You can't watch them every second of everyday. When we care for those around us, even those who mean us harm we still can't control all or if any of their actions. I have faith that the state will take care of your sister-in-law and that Edward will get better. Al will get his body back and Edward his limbs. Lily will awaken and soon you'll all be able to put this terrible nightmare behind you.

"Bad things happen to all people, good or bad, it's just how the fabric of the universe works and if bad things didn't happen, how would we ever learn from our mistakes, from the lessons we are taught? I think in this one, Edward will learn to watch his own back a little better."

He might be right but Roy wished he'd shut up. He didn't want words of wisdom at the moment. He wanted Lily and Edward to wake and pull through so they could go home and resume the moments where they were happy and together.

Hohenheim rose from the other side of Edward's bed. "Well, there are some things I need to take care of. Will you call me if Edward wakes before I return; I shouldn't be gone too long?"

Roy frowned. "You're leaving?"

Hohenheim nodded. "For a short while. If it wasn't important I wouldn't, but it is so I must."

What the hell was more important than sitting beside his wounded child?!

"Yeah, I'll call." Roy replied, hoping his confusion and annoyance wouldn't come through.

Hohenheim left the room. Roy sat back to do what he'd been doing since coming yesterday, wait.

It was sometime near midnight, that's when the shift changed for the nurses, when one of the children stirred. Lily whimpered, her little sweet face contorted, and her hands reached out to push against something.

Roy lifted his head and scooted his chair closer to her bed, taking one of her tiny hands in his. Bringing it to his lips, he kissed her wrist since her hands were wrapped in light bandages.

"It's alright poppet, you're safe now." He soothed, brushing her bangs from her forehead. She rolled over, facing him and slowly her slanted, obsidian eyes blinked open.

Roy's breath caught in his throat. She was looking right at him but didn't seem to see him at all; the light in her eyes vanished leaving her with an empty, dead visage. "Poppet…"

See me Lily, look at me. Say something baby, please say something. Reach for me; don't look at me like…like that.

Lily shifted in her bed but her hand within his was slack. She wet her lips. "She said..." her voice was so raspy. "You wanted me dead, weren't coming, hated me. She said I was sucking the life out of you and you wanted to get rid of me."

He shook his head violently. Her voice held no emotion, was just dead, monotone. "No sweetie, I could never hate you or want you dead. I love you so much." He prayed she believed him, prayed she'd see the truth and know it, feel it. He prayed she'd understand that her aunt was a monster who wanted to hurt her. But Lily was just a child and in a child's mind…

"She said I was a disease and hurt everyone I touched. I was the reason that Edward was hurt and he hated me for it and that's why he didn't come when I called for him." She met his eyes a tear rolling down the side of her nose. "Am I Daddy? Am I really a bad person? Am I really hurting everyone? Should I be dead so I can't hurt anyone anymore?"

He couldn't believe… This wasn't… Roy nearly yanked her from the bed and into his lap, holding her close, his tears gushing forward unbridled to join hers. He rocked her limp form as she didn't lift her arms to wrap them about his neck, didn't move to hug him back, just remained still like a rag doll some child yanked around. She was breaking his heart with her obvious torment, pain, and confusion.

"No Lily, no, you're not a bad person and you've done nothing to hurt any of us, she was lying!" he cried and pushed her back, sat her up, made her hold on to him so she wouldn't fall from his lap, and held her face in his hands. The tears upon her face were like small waterfalls.

"I do not ever want to hear those words from your mouth again is that understood?! You are not better off dead." He was harsh, nearly yelling, but he desperately needed to get his point across to her, make her see.

Lily nodded, wincing.

Roy shook his head searching her eyes to see if she believed it, if she believed him but there wasn't anything to indicate so. There was only fear and loneliness. "My poppet," He breathed, "If you were gone it would kill me. I would die without you do you understand? If I lost you and your brothers there would be nothing left of me."

Lily's hands lifted from his arms and touched his cheeks.

This wasn't enough, not enough to ease her. But it wouldn't be, aside from words, the lack of food and water, and being locked inside that terrible thing in the dark, he didn't know what else she'd endured.

"Lily, he didn't hear you. Ed didn't hear you calling for him. When he awoke, he searched all over the house, every hiding place, and closet, everywhere. He was so scared, so upset that he'd lost you. I've been looking too. I'm so sorry it took so very long to find you, but we didn't give up, we didn't. Maes, Al, Riza, Havoc, Fury, Falman, Breda, other people, we've all been looking for you because we love you and need you."

"D-daddy," she spoke so meekly. "I was so scared and calling for you. It was so dark and they made so much noise, it hurt so much."

Roy pulled her back to his body. "Shhhh, baby it's alright now. You're safe and I won't let anyone take you from me again."

"They shook me inside the coffin. She said she picked it out just for me and I tried to hard to get out. I really did."

She was sobbing now, clinging to him as if he were her anchor, her lifeline.

"It's alright, I know you did. It's alright, you're safe."

"I promise I'll be better. I won't be bad ever again."

Roy closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair. Good god would this ever end? She wasn't a bad little girl, she didn't misbehave. She was mischievous yes, but never in such away that she did anything wrong or caused problems. "You don't have to be, you didn't do anything wrong."

"So dark, I wanted to come home! I wanted you and my brothers! Daddy don't let her take me away again please! I promise I'll be good! I'll do everything you want me too!"

"No baby, no, don't promise. I just want you to be you, it's all I ever wanted from you. You don't have to be perfect, please don't be perfect. I love you just the way you are."

"Don't let me go Daddy, please!"

"I won't poppet, I won't." He promised, holding her tighter. She couldn't see Edward, she just couldn't. Not right now, later, but now it would be too much for her.

Carefully he rose and pulled the curtain closed before she had a chance to see then sat upon her bed. "Shhhh, it's alright."

Apparently someone had heard and Dr. Hiasen came with a needle, a sedative. Roy asked him with his eyes if it was really necessary. She was frightened, hysterical needed to be held and comforted, assured, not drugged but like this, she might wear herself down.

He held her still as the doctor injected the sedative into her IV, held her even after she quieted and drifted into a drug induced sleep. Hiasen stayed and checked her over, then brought a blanket and helped Roy wrap her up in it.

The doctor shook his head with a sigh. "She's awake now, that's good and she's got a little more color aside from the obvious splotching from weeping. Later we'll try to get her to eat solids but I don't think we should push her too much."

The Flame Alchemist nodded. "I know,"

Dr. Hiasen took the chair with a sigh. "I heard most of it, was outside the door, coming to check on them… I don't think it would be in her best interest if she saw or knew anything about Edward, at least for awhile."

Roy shook his head. "I know, but I can't lie to her. It would only hurt her more." It was a vexing problem. She wouldn't be able to handle Edward's condition, think it was her fault but if they lied, she might lose trust and faith in them where she desperately needed it.

"Then we'll just tell her he's sleeping for now, if she asks for him, which would be my choice. It's not a lie and you wouldn't endanger her. I think once the shock wears a little she'll be able to cope with this a little better, less likely to jump to the wrong conclusion." He sighed. "I should check on Edward. You should get something to eat, just a little something. Lily won't wake up again for awhile. Just get some air."

Roy didn't want to part with her, was afraid she would wake and think he'd abandoned her, but a bit of fresh air, untainted with hospital sterilizers would probably do him some good, a short walk. He'd tell Al and everyone else waiting… He needed to talk to Riza, Maes… He needed to talk to them, needed someone to help him convince his baby girl she didn't need to be perfect, that they needed her.

Slowly he laid her in her bed and tucked her in. He'd send Havoc to the house to get Bandit for her. He still couldn't believe she'd ask if it was better if she'd died. His head reeled with that even now; his stomach tied itself into knots so tight he thought he might vomit.

He kissed her forehead, whispered he loved her, then left to let Dr. Hiasen check Edward over.