Welcome to another edition of Turk Olympics... In this episode, we look at the effect Mary Sues have on Turks... But first, we need a disclaimer, now, my assistant here:
Points to pink haired woman, dressed in a bunny suit
Teresa Green: Hi!
Will be helping me in getting the Turks to talk... Any ideas Teresa?
Teresa: Why don't we tickle them into submission?
As you can see, Mary Sues are idiots, and as you should know by now, idiots are fun to make fun of... Anyway, lets get down to the disclaimer, according to the reviews, Nando King wants:
Nando: For the torture, you could threaten to force them to read a lemon starring Red XI, but that might be too inhumane.
Gah! Have a heart man!
Teresa: Think of the children! Why god won't you think of the children!
Erm... Anyway, anymore ideas?
Cyraxis: DON'T say a disclaimer if you think that Tony Blair/ Patrick Moore/ some person of equivalent unattractiveness, is sexy!
Teresa: Isn't that the guy that runs that small country? And that other guy, isn't he that guy that hosts that space program?
Well, this is getting kinda long, so... Elena, how's it goin? Fancy saying the disclaimer?
Rude: We sold Elena to Corneo for gas money...
What about Tseng?
Rude: Fighting with Twang... Go Twang! Erm... I mean... Go Tseng!
And Reno?
Rude: Dying his hair... Again...
Hn... Well, remember that deal we talked about?
Rude: The one with the...?
Yeah, thats the one...
Rude: Heh, okay then... Cueball doesn't own the characters used in this story... Or a motorbike... Or those socks... He's a trainee, go easy on him... What he does own though, is the idea for this story... Good enough?
Yeah, I'll wire that money to your swiss account...
Rude: Excellent...
Cait Sith: PIE!
Anyway, on with the story, enjoy:
Just Past The Mythril Mines...
Reno groaned as he pulled his foot out of yet another particularly deep patch of swamp mud, he looked to his bald friend, who, despite taking the same path as himself, was practically spotless.
"This sucks yo..." He said, and looked back to the path.
"..." Rude replied, as he stepped onto a rock.
"Yeah, I wish I had a Jet-bike too, but life's a witch and then you fly... Wait, that doesn't sound right..."
Two Hours Later...
"Reno, Rude, take a seat please." Tseng spoke into his phone, from behind his desk, the two Turks, who were also holding phones, nodded, and sat. "Now then, good evening Turks."
"Good evening Charlie... Er... Tseng..." The two replied in unison, speaking into their own phones, despite the fact that they were barely a couple of feet from their leader.
"Ahem, now that the copyright infringement is out of the way, let's move onto business... To recap what has happened over recent chapters, Reno, you attacked Rude's maid, who ended up suing you both for all of your money, then, in an attempt to get the rest of the money to pay for the lawyers costs, and to buy back your stuff, your both entering the Olympics... Sorry, the Old Person Olympics... And right now, correct me if I'm wrong, but your looking for an instructor, to teach you how to pass off as being old?"
"That about sums up everything that's happened, except you forgot to mention that Rude has a teddy-bear called 'Mister Sergeant Snuggles McMuffin'." Reno spoke into his phone, and sniggered as Rude's face reddened.
"Regardless of the fact that Rude has a teddy bear with such a linear name... We still-..." Tseng was cut of as Rude chose to speak up.
"I'll have you know I was four and a half years old when I named him, and so what if I happen to sleep with him beside me... At-least I'm not short sighted, like somebody in this room, who happens to have red hair."
"Yo! It's a genetic problem! I don't see the problem of wearing those glasses, if it stops me from running into a pole!"
"Those glasses weigh more than you do! The glass is so thick, you could cut it up, and use them to re-glaze the whole Shinra building, and still have more left over!"
"Gentlemen-"
"Yeah! Well yo momma so old, she owes the Ancients five gil!"
"So you wanna go into momma jokes, eh? Well your mother is so fat, when she go's out in a yellow raincoat, people yell taxi!"
"ENOUGH!" A new voice shouted from behind Tseng. The three Turks jumped from their seats, and turned to look at the new arrival. It was a short, petite woman, dressed in a blue suit, in her early twenties, short pink hair framed her face, and eyes shone a deadly green.
"Ah, there you are Miss-..." Tseng was cut off, unsurprisingly, by one of his subordinates.
"Yo, who the hell are you! And why the hell are you jumping out of nowhere and interrupting one of our numerous, and sometimes funny arguments?" Reno screamed, er... Shouted... Cough...
"As I was trying to say, before I was interrupted, you were both looking for an instructor, to teach you how to be old... Well, I'd like you both to meet Miss Teresa Green. Miss Green, meet my idiots... Erm, Employees..."
Reno smirked, one of those smirks that only a complete idiot could or should use.
Rude sighed, and pulled out a note book, the name tag reading: 'People that know about Mr. Sgt. Snuggles McMuffin and need to be dealt with'. The bald man jotted down three names.
Teresa looked bored.
"Now then, one last piece of useless information... I've found out, from a very good source, that Avalanche have found out about your plan, I don't know what they're planning, but you should all be extra vigilante."
"And what's this very good source?" Rude asked, eyebrow locked, cocked, and ready to rock.
"The script." Tseng replied simply. The Turks eyebrows shot up, and they scrambled over to their leader.
"No way! Let us look! Come on Tseng!"
"You can't." The leader replied.
"Why not?" Reno asked.
"..." Rude added.
"Yeah! What he said!" Teresa joined in, agreeing with Rude.
"I kinda... Shot it... A few hundred times... With a bazooka..."
Reno and Rude looked to each other, before diving at their leader, fists flying in all directions, Teresa's mouth dropped, and she jumped in, in an attempt to break it up.
A loud cough echoed throughout the room, and four pairs of eyes looked to it's source.
"Am I interrupting something?" Elena asked.
The four fighting figures, stood up, and readjusted their suits, trying to look as professional as possible.
"I got you that Chocoburger sir, no sauce... There was a cue if your wondering what took so long... And it was snowing... And that punk behind the counter kept looking at me funny..."
"You talk too much." Teresa stated.
"Who are you?" Elena asked.
"Teresa Green."
"Yes, trees are green, but I asked for your name, not random trivia."
"No, thats my name, Teresa Green."
"Your parents didn't like you much, eh?"
Later, At Kentucky Fried Chocobo's...
"So, with the Olympics less than a week away, and you two being psychically fit, we've got alot of training to do, so that you don't look too out of place amongst the old people. Now, the first thing we've gotta work on, is your posture, Old people tend to slouch over alot, and walk slow, mostly due to hip replacements, or the fact that they're just generally slow. To demonstrate this, I want you both to eat twenty Chocoburger's. Your stomach will bloat, and you will feel sick... Hopefully... Anyway, once your done, you should feel sick, and thus hunch over, this emulates the slouching... When you rush to the toilet to throw up, I want you to walk extremely slowly, and stop every couple of feet, to swallow any sick in the back of your throat. This will emulate the slowness of old people. Now gentlemen, eat up."
The two Turks looked at each other, and shrugged, before turning to the Burgers, and beginning their feast.
"So, Old coaching huh...? I can't imagine that being a very popular service, do you get alot of customers?" Rude asked, before taking a large chunk out of his burger.
"You'd be surprised, there's alot of Actors, Mad Scientists, Terrorists and the like that are interested in learning how to emulate being old, to be honest, I was thinking of quitting this profession and becoming a Vet, but as soon as the Old Peoples Olympics was announced on TV, business boomed... I wouldn't be surprised if there were other people entering, in an attempt to win all that money..."
By the time Teresa had finished her sentence, Rude was on his fourth burger, and Reno was on his Twelfth.
"You like to say 'emulate' don't you?" Reno more stated, than asked.
"You try thinking of an alternate word..."
"What about... Pretend... Or, erm... Wow... It's harder than you think..."
"Wait... A moment ago, you said you've coached Mad Scientists and Terrorists? What were there names?"
"Well, like I said, business boomed, so I hired a couple of Employees... I sent one of them to go and teach a Professor... Hojo I think his name was... And then earlier today, I got two cases, one of them was teaching you guys, the other was for somebody named... Barett? I think he said he was a Doctor too... So I sent my second in command to teach him."
"I could have sworn we know somebody called Barett..." Reno said, and took a sip of his coke.
"Maybe he's related to that Dr. Barett guy outta Avalanche..." Rude added, and bit into his seventh burger. "But Professor Hojo... We should check that out tomorrow..."
The Seventh Heaven Bar... Thirty Minutes Ago...
"Ok, my name is Ivan, and I'm going to be your Teacher of all things old... I'll take it your Dr. Barett?" Ivan said as he took Tifa's hand.
"No, I'm Tifa, he's Dr. Barett..." Tifa replied, and tilted her head in Dr. Barett's direction.
"Oh, my bad... My eyesight's not so good since I had my eyeballs roasted in a pigs intestine... What a fiasco that was..."
"Erm... Okay then..." The brunette gave her new instructor an odd look, before continuing. "Where do we start?"
"A wise man once said, 'Everybody must eat, including old people, to be as the old, you must eat as the old do..."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Dr. Barett asked.
"It means we're going to Kentucky Fried Chocobo..."
Back To The Present...
Reno was now on his Seventy Fifth Chocoburger... Rude was on his Fourteenth... And Teresa was on her seventh fingernail...
"So, there I was, on this dark Highway, hanging from a helicopter, above an eighteen wheeled truck that had just been stolen from a high security nuclear testing facility, onboard it where super secret, highly classified Garden Gnomes, so anyway, I drop onto it's roof, and then, from out of nowhere pops..." Reno stopped his story as he turned to look at whoever had just entered the KFC. "Avalanche?" He asked.
Rude, who hadn't been paying much attention to Reno's story... --Particularly because he was there at the time... And the Garden Gnomes weren't highly classified, super secret weapons... They were just Garden Gnomes... And the Truck wasn't an eighteen wheeler... It was a mini-van... And it hadn't been stolen from a high security nuclear testing facility... It was just on it's way to drop of the Gnomes at the DIY store... Such is the life of a Turk, when alcohol is consumed in large amounts...--, suddenly perked up at the name of their enemies, he looked over to the doors, there was a young man, wearing thick glasses, greasy hair, and a pair of pants that looked like they came of an action man. Behind him was a bigger man, donning a huge afro and Doctors coat... Nothing odd so far... But the last person to enter caught the Turks attention.
Wine colored eyes, dark hair, white tank top and black miniskirt, held up by a pair of suspenders... Rude's eyes, though hidden by his glasses, turned into gigantic cartoony love hearts...
Teresa looked at Rude, who hadn't moved for a couple of minutes, she looked to the red head, who shrugged and bit into another burger. The Teacher of Old suddenly got a bright idea. Her finger raised, and moved forward, connecting with the bald mans head. Rude didn't move.
"Is he okay?"
"Rude? Yeah, he's always like this when what's-her-name shows up..."
Dun... Dun... Dun!
Cueball's Notes begin...
I enjoyed this one... I think I've got my mojo back, this chapter was written in about three days, which will probably mean nothing to you guys, but by my standards, thats fast, and, if I can keep up, that means I'll hopefully be able to get two chapters a week, seeing as I only get the chance to use the internet on Saturdays though, that should mean you get a double update each week... No promises though.
I think maybe I can get another five chapters out of this, or up to ten if I stretch it out... Not really sure... As you may have noticed, I like to write long chapters, which is why they take time... But there will be more, spin offs, maybe a sequel, and defiantly lots of merchandise, look out for cheap crappie toys of characters you love, comic books, bedding covers, slippers, even earrings, yep, I'm cashing in... Oh, and there's gonna be a film too, I've got Vin Diesel to play Rude, Jim Carry as Reno, and a midget in a costume to play Cait Sith.
Anyway, I read a fic recently, starring a Mary Sue, and I just had to write about it... This was gonna be like a zombie thing, only with Mary Sues... But you can all see that didn't happen... And yes, Teresa Green does have a silly name, but she's a Mary Sue, so it doesn't count...
To those new to the land of Fan-Fiction, a Mary Sue is a cheaply made character, which tends to fall for the hero of a story, and ends up making the story into a sappy romance thing... Is this a hint of things to come? Well... No, it's just a parody... To those that write Mary-Sues... Well, good luck with that...
Anybody that reviews... I'd like to wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year... To anybody that doesn't... Review or I'll poke you... That is all...
One last thing though, since I can't respond to reviews in my stories, thanks to somebody... Cough Admin Cough... Sorry, it's this cold weather, I'm starting to get a cough and cold... Anyway, you'll all be receiving a personal reply, you lucky, lucky people.
Onto the questions...
Which muffin is best, White, Brown, or Chocolate chip? Will Tseng's Chocoburger still be warm after two hours in the snow? Are there any similarities between Kentucky Fried Chicken and Kentucky Fried Chocobo? Why does Hojo want to know how to act old for? Was this chapter long enough? Is that a masked burglar behind you? Can Gnomes drive cars? Is Teresa Green really a professional? Who else will turn up in this story? If a train leaves Midgar at twelve o'clock and heads to Junon at four miles an hour, and a Train leaves junon ten minutes later, traveling toward Midgar with a speed of ten miles a minute, can a woodpecker make coffee? Is it physically possible for Rude's eyes to turn into bright pink love hearts? Is that enough Tseng and Elena for you people, or do you need more? Why do old people always call me 'sunny-jim'? And, if, by any chance, I decide to add a love element, who do you want it to be between?
All these questions and more, probably won't even be brought up again, when Teresa And The Turks Confront The Troublesome Twosome At KFC, next time, in Turk Olympics, Episode six ' Lefty Loosy, Righty Tighty'.