Cait sith was having a really bad day... No home, to friends, And now, as if God himself was trying to humiliate him, his clothes had been taken by a crazy red head... And if that wasn't bad enough, the guys friends had tied him to a chair and stole the rotten fish he risked life and love to get...

Of coarse, he was a robotic fortune telling cat, so he couldn't have ate the fish... But it was the principle of the thing...

Poor little fella...

He just felt like crying... This was worse than the time Barett accidently set his tail on fire, then tried putting it out with lighter fluid...

"Reno... Can't you at least give him back his crown? Look at him, he looks so sad!" A female voice pleaded, Cait looked up with a new found hope, somebody feeling sorry for him? Just what he needed!

"No!" The red head replied, slamming his hand down on a table. "I feel more nekkid now than I did before!" Reno continued.

"That look suits you Reno..." Rude spoke up with a smirk, as he glanced at his friends new clothes...

White boxer shorts, covered with love hearts, a small red cape, bare chest, hairy legs, and red hair, topped with a gold crown looked back. "I hate you so much right now..."

Cait sith meanwhile, was using his best puppy dog eyes... Erm, kitty cat eyes... Big, round, mushy and watering... Teresa didn't stand a chance, poor Mary-Sue...

President's Office... The Conspiracy Team is talking...

"Palmer and Mog? What are you two doing here?" Elena asked, as she watched the Stuffed Mog struggle with the weight of Palmer's large... Body...

"Well..." The fat-man started, unsure how to continue.

"Well what? Hurry up, we've got loads of other people to interview!' Elena barked, pointing around the empty room.

"Erm... That is to say... Oh... Er..."

"Speak. We're getting impatient." Vincent ordered.

"Wark!" El Penguin'o added... Translation... "I like toenails!"

"Erm..." Palmer continued, his forehead was starting to feel wet... So were his armpits, and was his shirt always this sticky?

"Dammit Palmer..." Elena said under her breath, the Executive was too nervous, they were going to have to calm him down. "We need to calm him down... Any ideas?"

"Wark!"

"We can't do that... We've got no pies..."

"I may have an idea..."

Ten Minutes Later...

El Penguin'o, Vincent, Elena, Mog and Palmer are sat on the floor in a circle, in front of them all was a table, on top of that was...

"Tea! Isn't this marvelous?" Palmer asked with a jolly smile.

"Yeah, it's... Marvelous alright..." Elena replied with an unsure smile.

"I must admit, this is very... Pleasant..." Vincent stated, before lifting his cup up and taking a sip of his tea.

"Wark!" El Penguin'o added, and attempted to drink from his own cup... Of coarse, beaks aren't exactly easy to use when it comes to cups, and wings aren't very good for lifting... The cup shattered for the sixth time...

"..." Mog said, and lifted his thumb up.

"I just love having a spot of tea during the day, all that we need now, is plenty of Sugar and the secret ingredient." Palmer stated happily.

"What secret ingredient?" Elena asked.

"Oh, I shouldn't really tell you, but the secret ingredient is Lard!"

"Erm... Okay... Lets move onto business shall we?" The blond Turk asked, as she attempted to find out what was going on.

"Well, as you may have noticed, the other Executives have been acting strangely lately, so I did some investigating..."

Flashback time... Cue wavy flashback sounds...

You see, it was an ordinary day, just like the rest of them... I was having a nice cup of tea with my secretary, when who should pop-in but Scarlet... Nothing odd so far, she always comes by for a spot of tea.

But, she was wearing a pair of Sunglasses, which I thought was a little strange, but that Turk does it all the time, so I figured it was just a fashion thing.

"Good morning Scarlet, my dear! What can I do for you?"

"The President wants to see you... Now..." She said to me, I was happy to tell the truth, it's not everyday the President wants to talk to me, or sends Scarlet herself down to get me, thats probably why she's acting kind of off.

"Right away! Be a dear and clean away this mess for me would you Patty? Thanks."

Being the nice man that I am, I decided to talk to my fellow Executive... To put it bluntly, she wasn't very talkative...

"So what does the President need me for?"

"Something important."

"Oh... Nice weather we're having eh? Don't get much sun these days..."

"Yes..."

I gave up then, because we were both stepping out of the Elevator... We walked up the stairs, then knocked on the doors, before stepping in.

This is where things get kinda fuzzy, you see, the door opened and we stepped in, I saw a few sets of red lights, and then something hit me, I think it was a lamp... Or maybe it was a gun, or a poodle... But everything went dark...

When I woke up, I felt different... It was like I was there, but not in control, like a spectator.

End Dodgy Flashback Sounds...

"So then what happened?" Elena asked, interested at the story.

"I was one of them, I don't know how, or why though..." Palmer finished.

Elena went over the story again, something was nagging at her, she couldn't just figure it out though...

"What happened to you after that? Obviously your not one of them anymore..." Vincent asked, beating the blond Turk to her question.

"Well, after that, I... Did some strange things..."

Flashback Time Again...

I found out what they were... Parasites, they somehow managed to infect the Executives, my guess is Dr. Hojo got one from a car boot sale... But anyway, wherever they come from, they seem to have two enemies that resemble female underwear... Pantie-Talons and Bra-liens... They used my own body and the others to test measure's to destroy the threat...

This went on for some time... But, probably one of the most important things we were required to do, was to act normal, which is what saved me...

You see, I was sitting down for tea with my Secretary, and as per usual, she added the secret ingredient, Lard... I believe the high fat levels and carbohydrates in this product killed off the Parasite... Either that, or that two week old sandwich had something to do with it...

So Ends The Flashback...

"So the Lard kills the Parasites?" Vincent asked with curiosity, looking from Palmer, to Mog, briefly wondering how the hell his old fighting friend carried Palmer's larger than life ass... Ets... Cough... Assets...

"That's what I'm guessing..." Palmer replied, sipping lightly at his tea. "But like I said, it could have been the two week old sandwich."

"So that means we've gotta somehow get lard or two week old Sandwiches into all those infected?" Elena asked.

"Yes, but for all we know-..." Palmer started.

"Wark!" Interrupted El Penguin'o, Mog nodded, and stuck a thumb up.

"What are they saying?" Palmer asked, pointing toward the non-human's.

"I dunno, that dumb Chocobo never makes any sense to me..." Replied Elena with a smile, she looked back to Palmer, shook her head as if deciding something, and turned to Vincent. "We seem to be the only two capable of having a coherent conversation, let alone a dangerous mission... What do you say we ditch these three and save the day?"

Vincent raised an eyebrow, before nodding and speaking: "After we finish this tea."

Dun... Dun... Dun...!

So very sorry about the long wait! Hope you guys are still interested in this story, it's not dead yet!

Anyway, about this chapter: Mostly finished a week or two after the last update, the reason I couldn't upload it on here is simple: No internet connection, which sucks. I normally use a PC at my local library, but they closed down and moved buildings, just opened back up today, so yeah, there you go. My new Xbox 360 had nothing to do with it what so ever... Nope, not a thing...

Things are shaping up in this old tale, a few more chapters and it'll be done.

Now for the interactive bit: The questions.

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobodies around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does Teresa really feel sorry for Cait? How the hell can Mog carry Palmer? If Cloud dressed like a fairy, and started dating a biker named Boris, would you be surprised? Why does nobody like Cait? What's with Palmer liking Lard so much? Where did these Parasites come from? Are the creatures insane, or do they really have enemies called 'Pantie-Talons and Bra-Liens? What's the difference between a Sandwich and a man-wich? Does a Bear st in the woods? Is this enough questions, or do you want more next time?

All these questions and more will join a folk singing back and have a platinum album, next time, when Vincent and Elena try to cure the Exec's, Palmer, Mog and El Penguin'o pick flowers in a daisy field, Reno and Rude tackle the Repo Men, while Cait Sith finds a friend, who happens to be a girl... Next time, in Turk Olympics chapter 9. "Crouching Bald Guy, Hidden Red-Head"