Pleasantly Depressed – Ch 25 "Of Wallflowers and Conditioner"
The first thing Irvine realized about the universe was that his hat was missing. Headache, wooziness, and empty bed aside, the lack of hat was cause for much alarm. Once he found the hat everything would be okay. It wasn't on the bed, so he pulled himself over the edge. It wasn't under the bed, so he managed to collapse to the floor. It wasn't on the floor, so he wriggled over to the closet. It wasn't in the closet, so he wriggled to the bathroom. It wasn't there either. After a few minutes and a couple more sweeps, three things occurred to him. One, there was no more room to search. Two, that meant the hat must be outside the room. Four, if he wanted to go outside, he needed to learn to walk.
Once he got passed the walking test, barely, he solved the doorknob puzzle, and set himself to working on the stairwell mystery. Gravity gave him a hand with that one. He'd probably hurt later. Maybe.
It was NOISY downstairs.
It got louder when another group, in matching outfits, came in the door. One of them had a loudspeaker. They switched it on. "WE ARE HERE FOR THE SEEDS. ALL OTHER PEOPLES, VACATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY OR FACE CONSEQUENCES."
Irvine yelled back "Shaddup!" and rubbed his ringing head.
Squall grabbed his pants and pulled him behind the table. He fell down. Something smashed nearby.
"Heya Selphie, whadarya doin' 'ere babe?" He leaned into give her a hug and smooch, but she just pushed him back. Hard, actually. Ow. She glared hotly, and shot a Meltdown at the new group. They all fell into defensive positions and started firing back. Growling, Selphie hollered "Cover me!" over the din and bolted for the stage. Squall kept the enemy pinned down with ice spells until she could set up a little barricade out of the drum kit and speakers.
Irvine leaned against the table to keep from falling over, befuddled. The table wobbled under him. "D'I do somethin' wron'?"
The local hick team was thrown off by the newcomers. A general expression of confusion went through them, and resolved in a unanimous look to Jeffton for leadership. He snarled "Damn Timber Rezzies can't mind their own charred business." That seemed to be the signal to attack, so the two teams laid into each other.
Squall noticed that everyone had become too occupied to attack him, and took the opportunity to feel Irvine up. No, wait, he was checking for injuries. Dang. Wait. Selphie was here.
Selphie was angry at him.
…Um…
…Oh Shit!
…Hey! There's my hat!
Grinning, he crawled towards the bar and his discovered hat. Squall started squawking, but whatever he said could wait. More important thing here.
Something pinged near his legs and back, and made the hair on his neck sizzle, but it could wait too. Only a few more inches and he was behind the bar, and within reach of his precious baby.
"Huh? Who're you?"
"Well hello to you too, sugar."
"Yer… yer da Sssee! Ah dated yoo." He beamed, happy at having remembered. He was pretty sure it was a big accomplishment.
"Yeah, you did. Just, don't move, aight? You're in a good cover spot."
He plopped the hat back on his head. It fit perfectly. All was right with the world.
There was an awful lot of shouting in the room. He peeked round the corner to see what was up. People were falling down all over the place. Red all over the walls. And that guy's head came off. Eww.
Sssee pulled him back. "Stay put, I said."
"Tha' guyz 'ead came 'ff."
"Yeah, that happens. You just couldn't keep a low profile, couldja? Had to go blow up a bar. I was gonna smuggle you outa town before they caught wind you were here." She loaded the chambers of a tiny pistol carefully. "So much for that." She handed it to him. "They're tranq rounds. Shoot if anyone grabs ya." Taking a quick glance over the counter, she hoisted her semi automatic and smiled. "Stay." She winked and leapt into the battleground.
She fell right back again, torn in half.
"Ey!" This was probably what angry felt like. "Ya sho' mah… ex? Don' do tha'!" He stared at the gun, and figured out what the trigger was for. "Asshole!" He couldn't see from here, so he pulled himself up to his knees and took down the first six people that looked like good targets. Then he took her automatic. "Squelphie! Saall! Wallflower! No, wai', tha's Gee Gar'en. Um… Starburst?"
"Oh shit," Squall muttered. "Selphie, DOWN!"
"Wha'ever's code. Get otta der way!" He switched the gun to automatic, stood up, and raked the room.
Then his chest HURT.
Selphie was standing over him saying how stupid he was, and crying. Squall was groping him. No, wait, he was tying a tourniquet around his thigh. Dang.
"'ere's mah hat? Hadit minit 'go…"
"I've got your hat. I've got your stupid, stupid hat, you stupid idiot. Don't you EVER do that again."
"'kay. G'mme da hat."
She pressed the hat onto his head. "Sometimes you're the bravest, sweetest, most selfless guy I know, and I never want to lose you. Other times I want to strangle you with a guitar string."
"Ah lik' da firs' one. S'rry bou' bein' wit' da smooches wit' Sk'all."
Squall twitched, and Selphie snickered. "You were with that girl, silly, not Squall, and I'll hurt you for that later. Right now you need to rest."
"Yer stan'in' on her foo'."
"What?"
"Her foo'. Da girl. Yer standin' in her."
"Whoops. Oh, wow. Eww. Oh Hyne. Ewww! All over the place! Guts everywhere! Ewwwwww! Let's get out of this place!"
"Grab his legs." Squall took him by the shoulders, careful of the places that hurt, and they dragged him out the backdoor. The one made out of a big hole in the wall.
His hat fell off.
"Get da hat!"
"You and your thrice cursed hat!"
Not me. Anyone but me. Please. For the love of… aw dammit.
Selphie sat down next to him on the seats that lined the train hallway, sniffling. She very much had a look of sorrow that desired to be expressed, loudly and frequently, to anyone who would listen. And it appeared she fully expected him to.
The gods are laughing at me.
Ha ha, love. Call it karma.
Shaddup.
Selphie peered up at him with wet eyes, lips trembling. "So, h… he's going to be alright, right? Right?"
"Don't know. He's been through a lot of injuries recently."
"It's that stupid…" She huffed out her breath, and ducked her head. "He's always so stupid…"
There are sixty eight people on this train. She couldn't whine at the conductor?
"I just… I love him, I know. He's great. Really. He's just so…"
"Stupid," Squall supplied.
"Yeah. No! He's not stupid. He's really smart, really. He's just…"
Squall realized that he didn't know where Grrface was.
"Just… you know?"
"No."
"No? Oh. Well, he's…" she huffed, and shifted in her seat purposefully. "He's an idiot! He's always chasing some girl, and can never keep a date, and he's always distracted even when he's sweet talking you, and I think I'm exaggerating. But it's true! He can be a real… a real…"
Squall could guess the word she was looking for, and made a point of refusing to say it for her.
"… A real… MAN! You know?"
"Yes. I mean no."
"See! Men are so… so… fickle! Gah! I mean, aren't I good enough for him? Huh!"
"Um…"
"No, don't say it! If I was, he wouldn't have to chase tail, so I'm not!" She sobbed into her hands.
Squall, comfort her. You owe her that.
I didn't do it!
Oh yes you did. She just doesn't know it.
She's gonna cry at me!
A little salt water never hurt anyone except maybe slugs.
Are you calling me a slug?
Squall.
As far as insults go, you could've picked a more-
SQUALL.
Alright already.
"Squall? Am I unlovable?"
Oh she didn't just ask… Shiva! It's a trap! I don't want to do it!
And you're going to walk into that noose with head held high. Go to it.
Shiva!
Squall.
Women. "No, you're not… you're not unlovable."
"Then why doesn't he love me!"
"He does. He…gets distracted."
"I'm not enough to keep him distracted? He has to go prowling after the first ugly bitch that-"
"Ugly?"
"-gives him the time of hour?"
"It's not… look. He loves you. He was-"
"Don't you try and blame it on him being drunk."
"Drunk? He wasn't drunk whe- right. Drunk. I wasn't going to. He's…" How am I supposed to explain Irvine when I don't understand the cowboy either? "Look. Not everything in real life is like those TV shows you watch. People make stupid decisions. But that doesn't make the decisions wrong."
"You think he should dump me!"
"I didn't… don't put words in my mouth! Look. Irvine was with… that girl… because he probably was interested in her. He might even like her. That doesn't make him love you any less. And when it's all over, he goes back to your bed at night. And that should be enough, damn it! Even if that…girl… cares about him, even if she might love him, he's not going to even look at her twice because he's got you! And he's always going to have you!"
"…Squall? What are you-"
"I'm not through! You really don't get it, do you? Irvine's a MAN. Just like you said. He's never going to be perfect. He's going to make stupid, regretful mistakes. And you're going to hate him for them, but you can't let yourself, because in the end, he tries to do what's right. Isn't that what matters!"
"Squall… I know he-"
"And you know what? Your hair conditioner sucks! It's too watery!"
"…Did we switch channels? I think I missed a memo."
Squall roared in frustration and punched the chair, which thankfully held. Then he remembered Selphie said something. "What?"
"Squall?"
"What."
"Hair conditioner?"
"Hair conditioner?"
"You were talking about my hair conditioner?"
"We were talking about Irvine cheating."
"Yeah, and then you jumped into…" A puzzled frown crossed her face, then jumped into outraged shock.
Oh shit. She knows.
She hopped up and pointed at him accusingly.
"I didn't-"
"YOU!"
"I can explain!"
"You stole my hair conditioner!"
"We did- what?"
"You owe me a new bottle! Do you have any idea how much they cost? I had to import it from Trabia! It's my favorite brand, and I couldn't find my bottle so I had to use Irvine's, and men's hair stuff is NOT meant for a feminine body! I reeked! Like spice! Your fault!"
"…Sorry?"
"Damn right you're sorry!" She huffed indignantly, then blinked, and smiled. "Thanks, Squall. You're really good at this talking stuff, even if you don't want to admit it."
"Huh?"
"I thought I was sad, when I really just needed to be angry at someone. And Irvine's too hurt to be angry at. You're a good friend. I'm gonna go check the buffet car!"
Squall watched her skip off, and felt a piece of his logic functions go with her. Did I just win or lose that argument?
You came out alive. I'll call it a win.
Yay for our side. He punched the chair again, but without any real strength behind it.
The nearby car door slid open, and Irvine blinked at him sleepily, IV still attached and dangling along the floor. "Y'argu'n w' Seffie?"
"Was."
"Don'. She eatcha live. Say yes'm, no'm, luvya darlin'" He nodded firmly, turned and fainted.
"If I said that to Selphie, you'd be the one coming after me with the nunchucks. Damn hypocrite." Sighing, he hauled himself up to drag Irvine back to the bed.
He was laying the Galbadian down when the train jerked, coming to a stop. It lost him his balance, and he went down beside the sniper on the mattress.
"D'nwrg," Irvine murmured.
"No stops scheduled until Deling. We can't be there yet." He meant to go see what was the matter, but Irvine grumbled something again, and he couldn't bring himself to leave.
Squall, Selphie's just down the hall…
I know. Believe me, I know.
The cowboy was flushed from all the excitement of recent days, and it stood out against his paleness from blood loss. His hair was mussed and frizzy, and probably hadn't been washed in a week. Squall just looked. And petted a little, but mostly looked.
Selphie pulled the door open while his hand was cupping Irvine's shoulder. His arm shot back of its own volition, and he did his best not to look guilty.
She smiled sweetly at him. "It's good that Irvine's got as good a friend as you. Means I don't have to worry as much. Hey, no good food, but the train people say we've stopped because the tracks got blown up or something. We'll have to get off here."
"Blown up?"
"Yeah, apparently the people from Timber weren't so happy about being evicted. It's a big mess. We should call Garden. Cid would know what to do. Should we try and take Irvine with us, or what?"
"You go look for a car for us. I'll watch him."
"Thanks! Knew I could count on you." She bounced out of the door, but popped back in after only a moment. "Hey, Squall?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't make any stupid decisions." She giggled. "Man." With that last word, she headed off.
Author's Notes : Since you missed most of the action because Irvine was too drunk to describe it well, I'll give you a play by play. The local group of Galbadians were still facing off with Squall, while Selphie helped him (ignoring the 'hussy' for the moment), when in comes a Timberian Resistance group (displaced from their homes by the whole Quarantine thing). If we remember our FFVIII history, Timberians HATE Galbadians. And vice versa, probably. So they launched into battle with each other. Why the "Rezzies" wanted the SeeDs, though, we may never know.
Then Irvine got pissed and hosed them all down. Squall and Selphie took whoever was left, then tended to their fallen comrade. Then left before the local authorities could arrive. The end!
And yes, Sensiny was Irvine's ex girlfriend. And he's forgotten this because Ifrit is finally getting around to eating some of his memories.