Disclaimer: I don't own the series Gilmore Girls or the original characters. All I own is my imagination.

A/N: I haven't really been good at updating frequently when it comes to any of my stories, but that's because I have too much time to do whatever I want now, no matter how much I love writing. I tend to pen down a lot at night so I will have the actual days to do other things like, of course once in the process I forget about the fact that I actually have to typ everything up into a decent enough chapter for y'all to read, something I'm not sure I pulled off when it comes to this chapter.

Love, Hate

x-x-x

I hate him.

I hate him for kissing me and I hate him for holding back during all of the times that he could have kissed me. And I hate him for letting me think that I meant more to him than her, although I always thought that he looked right through me when really he was looking right at me.

He gives me the same fluttering feeling in my stomach that I used to get whenever I was on a swing and swung up higher than I should simply because I was still young enough to believe that if I swung high enough, I would be able to touch the sky, even though I couldn't.

Just like the sky, he has been unreachable to me and untouchable, even though I've known him for years. I never seem to get through to him completely, no matter how well I think I know him. He will always have his secrets and a past that will never even come close to mine; he has had a hard life, much harder than mine will probably ever be.

Ever since we were kids I would like to think that I was the white in his black, the only one he couldn't do without, but I was wrong because I'm not the only one and he can do without me.

He can do just fine without me.

Sometimes I even feel like I'm holding him back by asking him questions he has already found the answers to and that he would be better off without me.

Leah's supposed to be the one that is special enough to keep him in line, even though he has already crossed it by leading me on or maybe I broke the boundaries by leading him on... In the end it doesn't matter because it's just a game, something he admitted to with words that cut deep, whether he was just saying it or truly meant it. I hope that it was all in the game because he is the kind of person that would do and say anything to win.

I don't know what to do anymore, but whatever I decide to do, I want it to be right; I've got to learn that I can want anything, but that I can't have everything.

x-x-x

Rory closed her journal just as a bell rung somewhere in the building across from her. From experience, she knew that she would only have two or three more minutes to waste before the first students would come hurrying down the steps, their faces relieved and their backpacks empty.

After a handful of minutes the rest of the majority would follow in their footsteps, smiles present as they talked to their friends about the night's plans while thinking of an excuse or a reason why they couldn't make it to Saturday's bash, not wanting to admit that they were looking forward to a morning of sleeping in, an afternoon of doing homework, and an evening of watching TV.

Meanwhile the die-hards were still at their lockers, struggling to get all of their books into their book bags while figuring that they would have both Saturday and Sunday off if they finished all of their schoolwork tonight.

Rory was one of the people that took school seriously while Jess only showed up not to take it seriously. He had other thoughts when it came to all nighters and Ivy League School; they were out of his reach, even though he could get the grades if only he wasn't so damn stubborn and persistent in doing the exact opposite of what people expected from him. She knew that he had it in him and she had told him over and over, but he always just let it go into one ear and out the other.

As always, Jess was one of the first to exit the building, his backpack missing and his hands in search of a lighter and cigarette before he had even completed all of the steps. He was addicted and the school's no smoking policy made both his fingers and nerves twitch, though when he caught a glimpse of Rory from his eye's corner, he was really killing for a smoke.

He positioned himself against a lonesome tree, hidden within the shade and from everyone's view so he could smoke in peace. His eyes were on her during his first drag and would still be during the last of his third or fourth cigarette. While he didn't approach Rory, Dean did walk up to her, his backpack slung casually over his shoulder and a book in his other hand, just for show.

''Hey,'' he said before placing a kiss on his girlfriend's cheek.

Rory nodded in return as her eyes darted back over to Stars Hollow High.

''What are you doing here?'' he asked while dumping his things on the hood of the car he had made for her.

''I'm picking up Lane, well, actually I was supposed to meet her at her house, but my bus was early so I decided to surprise her, and you,'' she added as a quick afterthought.

Dean sought out her hand. ''Why is it that you still insist on taking the bus when you have a perfectly running car?'' He tugged her closer until their sides lightly touched.

''You're feeling a bit cocky today, aren't you?''

''Well, hasn't your car been running like a dream ever since you've had it?''

''It has.'' She abruptly paused when she came eye to eye with Jess, the hint of black hair beneath the leaves and his worn leather jacket, now in a heap at his feet, making him hard to miss. ''Although when something is running in my dreams it's usually not a car,'' she coyly went on, her motivation standing across from her, having his way with her while Dean got to find pleasure in the benefits.

''Did you just say what I think you just said?''

Rory bit her lip while timidly glancing up at Dean, her eyes big and innocent. ''Why do you ask? Did I say something wrong?'' she played naively.

Dean cleared his throat. ''No, it's just that-''

''It's just what?'' she asked, letting go of his hand so she could turn around to face him. ''It's just what, Dean?''

''The, ah, the double meaning behind it, I, you, I can't-''

She silenced him with a kiss, slightly affected by the jumping of his nerves. He pulled back, removing his lips only an inch or two from hers. ''Rory-''

She leaning into him and cut him off with another kiss, carefully roaming his mouth with her tongue to keep him quiet. She was putting on a show for all to see, though her focus was on one particular set of eyes, eyes that darkened at the sight before them; Jess now saw her as she had seen him many times before and the realization of how it must have felt to be in her shoes slowly dawned on him.

His hold on his cigarette tightened as he watched her place her small unexperienced hands on Dean's knees and run them up his thighs slowly so he would spread his legs just enough for her to fit in between. She was all over him and all Jess wanted to do was stop her and tell her that she wasn't ready to experience and experiment with Dean. He wanted to tell her that Dean wasn't the right guy, even though he really was.

He looked on as Dean's hands disappeared beneath her shirt and were placed flat against the hollow of her bare back, revealing a strip of her skin. His fingers turned just as pale as he nearly crushed the cigarette between them. Dean was getting into it more and more, touching her where not even his fingers had strayed yet while she seemed to make the best of the situation. She looked beautiful, though not like Jess wanted her; he wanted her clean and untouched. He was drawn to her innocence and wanted to be the one to undo her step by step.

Bye the time Lane became a witness to the scene, he was already gone, the burnt cigarettes beneath the tree the only evidence.

Lane didn't know what to make of any of it and stood at their side at a safe distance before making herself known to them. ''Uh, guys.''

Rory's open eyes shot over to her best friend and she pulled back only to hide her flushed cheeks and swollen lips against Dean's chest, wondering what exactly she had been thinking while he held on to her a little longer. '

''Hey Lane,'' he said with a small smile that erupted into a soft chuckle as a groan escaped Rory's throat.

''So, I guess you two had fun while waiting for me, that is if I can assume that you are, excuse me, were actually waiting for me,'' Lane directed towards Rory while crossing her arms and cocking an eyebrow.

''Lane,'' was her mumbled response.

''Hey, you can't blame me for misinterpreting this whole scene because, well, you would understand if you had been the one to walk in on it, trust me.''

''Well, if you'd just get a boyfriend then that might still happen,'' Rory returned while pulling away from Dean slightly and turning her head to look at her friend.

''You know that's an unfair thing to say because Stars Hollow only has a handful of guys walking around in the first place where you've managed to snatch the only good one out of the bunch and then there's the small detail that none of them are Korean which means that none of them will ever even have the luck of marrying me unless I actually want to be disowned. And hey, that was below the belt, a place you two seem to be approaching rather quickly,'' Lane pointed out all in one breath.

Rory's blush deepened while Dean bashfully lowered his head and loosened his hold on her.

Lane couldn't help but smile at their shyness; they did seem like a match made in heaven. ''You two are so in love.''

''Yeah...'' Rory trailed off, not knowing what else to say because there was nothing she could say, not at the moment.

Dean ran a hand through his hair, no longer comfortable, something Rory caught on to quickly as she moved from between his legs. ''I should get going,'' he said while standing up straight.

''I hope I didn't embarrass you?''

''No, my shift starts in a couple of minutes. That's the only reason why I'm leaving,'' he added while throwing a look at the raven haired girl to his side.

Lane smiled. ''Whatever you say, Romeo.''

''Don't you two have a date or something?''

''Yeah, although I doubt that I'll have the same effect on her,'' Lane teased, earning herself a gentle shove from her best friend and an intense look from Dean.

''I'll see you at school tomorrow, Lane.''

''Unfortunately.''

Dean ignored her remark as he leaned in to modestly place a kiss on Rory's cheek. ''Bye,'' he whispered before grabbing his things and walking off, leaving the two girls alone.

'''So, since when are you and Dean getting so hot and heavy?'' Lane asked while leaning back against the hood of the car, her arms still crossed as she glanced over at her friend.

''It's a recent development,'' Rory answered.

''Really, well, is that the thing you needed to talk to me about because to be fair, I don't think I'm going to be that comfortable with discussing this new stage in your relationship with Dean, best friend or not; I draw the line at where he puts his hands and where you put yours.''

Rory's expression didn't change as she remembered how for the first time, Dean's hands had came in such close contact with her skin and how she hadn't felt anything shiver down her spine when he had started to rub circles on it with his thumbs. He hadn't affected her in any way when he should have left her breathless. She lowered her head in shame as she fished for her keys. ''We'll talk at your house,'' was all she said before unlocking the door and getting into the car.

x-x-x

''Okay, so what's going on?'' Lane finally got the chance to ask once they were up in her room; she had been respectfully silent during the ride to her house, though she couldn't contain her curiosity anymore. It had been killing her.

Rory sighed as she leaned back against the door. ''It's complicated.''

''No, it's not,'' Lane said while sitting down on her bed. ''You're just saying that to stall so you'll have more time to think about whether or not you should change your mind about telling me whatever it is that you wanted to talk to me about.''

Rory sunk her teeth into her bottom lip while slowly nodding. ''You're right, it's not complicated, it's just hard.''

''The subject where supposedly going to talk about or-''

''I kissed Jess,'' Rory abruptly confessed.

''You kissed Jess?'' Lane's eyes widened in shock.

Rory nodded. ''I didn't plan it or anything and I didn't mean to, but after he walked me home we were just standing there looking at each other in the rain and he just looked so-''

''Kissable,'' Lane finished.

''I just couldn't help it.'' Rory crossed the room to join her friend on the bed. ''I don't even know why I did it.''

''Yes, you do.''

''Are you saying that I like him?''

''I think you just did,'' Lane said.

''But Lane, I can't like him, he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend.''

''Maybe you guys should try swapping partners,'' Lane jokingly offered.

''This is not something to joke about. I kissed Jess!''

''Hey, don't panic, there's no reason to; I mean, Leah and Dean both know nothing about this, right, and you two have only kissed once-''

''Actually,'' Rory tentatively began, ''there were two other encounters.''

''You're kidding, right? You could have brushed it all of as a stupid mistake, something that happened only once, but making the same mistake three times... What were you thinking?''

''I wasn't, Lane, that's the whole problem; when I'm near him I don't think.''

''When did that happen 'cause the last time I checked you two were friends, just friends, without benefits of any kind.''

Rory shrugged. ''I don't know, it just happened.''

''Are you sure that the way you're feeling has nothing to do with Leah?'' Lane asked with a serious look on her face.

''What do you mean?''

Lane sighed. ''Well, you've been the only girl in Jess's life for a while and now that he has Leah, he's been spending more and more time with her.''

''What are you trying to say, Lane?'' Rory snapped at her friend lightly, something she hadn't meant to do, but Leah wasn't her favorite person and therefore a touchy subject.

''I'm just saying that you might be feeling this way because you have this idea that Jess doesn't need you as much as he did before-''

''He never needed me,'' she interrupted. ''He doesn't need anyone, including her.''

Lane frowned. ''I'm not sure whether you're standing up for him or if you're taking a shot at Leah.''

''I don't like her.''

''Because she's Jess's girlfriend.''

Rory nodded while casting her eyes down. ''It's just that I used to have him all to myself and I took that for granted because he was just always there whenever I wanted him to be, but now it's not that simple anymore because I do have to share him with Leah and I guess I miss him and want him all for myself again, no matter how selfish that sounds.'' She looked back up at the girl across from her. ''I like him, Lane, and he likes me. I heard him say it last night.''

''That still doesn't make what you two are doing any less wrong,'' Lane told her softly.

''I know and I told him that we couldn't go behind Dean and Leah's backs anymore and that it was wrong...''

''And?''

''And he agreed,'' Rory started while looking down at her hands, ''right before making a crude remark.''

''That's Mariano for you,'' Lane uttered dryly.

''Does he look in love to you?''

Lane saw the desperate glimmer of hope in Rory's eyes as their eyes met once more. ''Ror,'' she began softly, ''I don't know what goes through his mind when he sees you or Leah, but he does seem to genuinely care for her, but we both know that he also cares a lot about you, no matter what he says.''

''I just don't know what to do,'' Rory exclaimed while falling back onto the bed.

''Yeah, who'd ever thought that you'd be this wanted.''

''Hey!'' Rory poked at Lane's side with her finger.

Lane laughed and laid down, too. ''You know what I think you should do,'' she said once they were side to side. ''Talk to him.''

Rory's bottom lip protruded into a slight pout. ''Do I have to because my plan was to avoid him for a couple of days so he'll know that I just want to forget it ever happened and that way we can both move on with our relationships.''

''Yeah because your current relationships are going real steady so far.''

''And it's all my fault.''

Lane glanced at her friend. ''Did Jess ever try to stop you?''

Rory shook her head. ''No, but I did stop him the last time.''

''Well, look at you, resisting temptation and all.''

''Lane.''

''Sorry, but there was an opportunity,'' Lane started apologetically, ''but the point is that it's just as much Jess's fault as it is yours.''

''But I started it by-''

''And you're going to put an end to it,'' Lane cut her off quickly.

''By talking to him?''

''By talking to him,'' Lane repeated.

x-x-x

That evening, Rory visited the bridge, finding Jess sitting out in the open beneath the dim glimmer of moonlight in a place that lay secluded from the rest of town. It was their secret garden, a sanctuary, and a place they both kept close to their hearts, despite the old creaking boards and the slivers of wood they were risking whenever they would lay their hands down on the rough surface. The many memories made it a hard place to be at, but also a hard place to leave. It used to be a place where they could be alone together, although nowadays they seemed to take turns, just missing each other time after time and letting one and other be, something she thought about doing as she stood hesitating at the other end of the bridge. He looked like a stranger from where she had her feet planted, someone she no longer knew, although she desperately wanted to.

As she took her first step onto the bridge, the wood shifted beneath her. He felt it and turned to look at her, something he normally wouldn't have done, but he hadn't seen her all day and he had missed her, despite the words that had been exchanged; he would rather have her around just to look at instead of not having her around at all.

As she got closer and closer, his urge for a cigarette grew, though he held back, not wanting to add another dent to his picture when hers looked so damn perfect. She looked so damn perfect and too good for his taste, even though he wanted nothing else now that he had one. She had been like a drug ever since he had first come to know her, one he had vowed never to touch because of the addictive consequences. Looking at her was enough to trigger his nerves and even now, when she was fully covered up in a pair of faded jeans and a sky blue hoodie, she had him making up scenarios in his head. Her skin would be pale and soft beneath his and she would squirm in innocence and inexperience while he would mutter compliments close to her ear and take his time in unwinding her like the fragile china doll she was.

He held back a smile, although she thought that she saw something in his eyes, but it was gone before she could completely catch and place it. Her icy blue orbs held his dark chocolate ones for a second longer, the contrast in color revealing their opposite sides and as her eyes averted themselves, his closed in. He followed her graceful movements as she sat down next to him, her long legs right next to his as she hung them over the edge.

''Let me guess, you came here to talk things out?'' he half asked, half stated with a quick glance in her direction.

''Don't I always.'' She pushed a lock of hair away from her face before dropping her hand next to the other in her lap. ''I just don't like going to bed feeling the way I do.''

''How do you feel?''

She looked up at his question, his eyes straying down to her reflection in the glistening water. ''I feel guilty,'' she began honestly, ''even though Dean and Leah don't know about what happened between us, but that doesn't make it any less wrong,'' she finished, repeating Lane's words.

Jess glanced up at her. ''Do you regret it?''

''No,'' Rory said after a couple of beats. ''But it shouldn't have happened and I feel really bad about it.''

''Well then, why don't you just blame it all on me and get it over with so we can both move on with our lives, like you want us to.'' He looked away, his voice and expression both bitter.

''It's just as much my fault as it is yours; I kissed you, Jess.''

''Yeah, I remember,'' he replied.

''I don't like the way you're talking to me,'' she told him, not liking the belittling tone he had struck with her.

Jess chuckled at her childish comment.

''And I hate it when you do that.''

''I'm not doing anything,'' he said.

''Yes, you are!'' she cried in frustration as his eyes shot back over to her face. ''I know I'm a year younger than you, but you don't have to treat me that way.''

''I don't,'' he told her calmly.

''You do and I hate it!''

''I don't fucking treat you that way!'' he said exasperated.

''Well, you don't treat me right!'' Rory crossed her arms and turned her head away from him while Jess stubbornly refused to say another word. ''Did you really just want to see how far you could get with me?'' she asked only seconds later, her voice soft as she did so.

''You know I didn't,'' he answered while casting his eyes onto her once more.

''Then why did you say it?''

''I was upset,'' he confessed, thinking that it would be enough for her to turn back around and look at him. When she didn't, he did the only other thing he could think of to get her attention, he reached out to touch her. As the tips of his fingers came in contact with her shoulder she shrugged away from his touch. ''Don't.''

He dropped his hand down to her side. ''I didn't mean it, Ror, and I would take it back if I could, but I can't so please tell me what else I can do.''

She uncrossed her arms and let them fall back into her lap as she looked at him over her shoulder. ''Tell me what you want from me?''

He turned his head away, giving her the impression that he was going to keep quiet instead of answering her question, but as she started to get up, he grabbed her by her wrist to pull her back down, giving himself away before he spoke the words, ''I want you.''

She pulled her hand from his without thinking. ''Yeah, well, unfortunately I can't give you your wish since I'm currently already taken, and so are you. You can't have everything,'' she sharply made clear to him.

''So you settled for Dean?'' he asked, knowing that he was out of line by the afflicted look in her now stormy eyes. She balled up her hands, but didn't strike him as he had expected; instead, she got up slowly and walked away from him again.

Somewhere along the way she ran into Leah and she sped up, not wanting her to see the tears that had sprung to her eyes.

The truth hurt.

Review Please? (: Although I'm happy with how some parts of the chapter turned out, I am slightly disappointed when it comes to others. I tried my best, but it still seems to be a horrible chapter. I am just not having the feeling that I'm getting any better, at all. However, I love the idea of this story too much to put it on hiatus for a while so I hope one bad chapter didn't ruin the total effect. And thank you so much for the comments you gave me on last chapter.