Title: The Gospel, according to Gilderoy Lockhart. Or, The Hogwarts Gazette

Chapter: Two: Team Games
Rating: M

Synopsis: Prequel to 'The Meaning of Life at Hogwarts (or The Hogwarts School Band)': This takes place during Harry's second year at Hogwarts, during the time of Gilderoy Lockhart. To assist his already over-inflated ego Lockhart suggests that the students put together their own paper – 'The Hogwarts Gazette'. Unfortunately, Severus Snape ends up on the wrong end of Hermione Granger's pen.
Original Character(s): Alistor Daker and a sadistic coffee-pot

Legal: All the characters (besides those mentioned in the above) are the creation of the wonderful JK Rowling, this story has been written because I was bored and had nothing more exciting to do. This isn't for profit.

Authors Note: I'm writing this chapter with an extra spring in my step. I've been informed by the DSM at work that We Will Rock You has been given it's nine months closing order and The Lord of the Rings: The Musical will be the new musical entering the Dominion Theatre. Good. Now someone PLEASE close Blood Brothers? (I work there, sadly). Oh, also…congratulations to The X Factor for winning Best Comedy; see Simon that's how we see you. The word of the day is floccinaucinihilipification and the musical of the week is Jerry Springer: The Opera.

Team Games

Professor Annie Sinistra wanted to go back to bed. She had spent much the night travelling to Hogwarts for the staff meeting. She wondered what it was all about. Albus Dumbledore didn't usually have a full meeting two weeks before term. Privately she was rather fed up and considering leaving Hogwarts. This summer she had talked with her husband about the possibility of children. They had both decided that due to their 'careers' it wouldn't be a good move at this time.

"Good morning." Professor Sprout said entering the room and heading straight for the coffee-pot. She paused before pouring a cup. The pot hadn't been the same since that incident last year and seemed to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder…you weren't always guaranteed that it was coffee in the pot.

"I wouldn't," Sinistra called, "tastes like something's been swimming."

"We should really replace this thing."

"Last time we tried Filius spent a week in the hospital wing."

"Oh dear." She put the pot down carefully. "How was your summer?"

"Not too bad. My niece visited and that got me and Charlie chatting about having kids of our own."

"So the sound of pattering feet?"

"No. Our 'careers' would get in the way."

"Ah. That argument."

"I had a hard enough time getting him into bed when we first started seeing each other."

"If this is women's talk I'll come back later." Severus Snape said slinking into the room behind them.

Professor Sinistra tilted her head back to look at him: "how long was it before you and Alastor slept together?"

Snape picked up the coffee-pot and sniffed it, "about eighteen months." He grimaced and put the pot down.

"Took me almost a year to get Charlie to sleep with me." Professor Sprout gave a sympathetic smile.

"Conducting a survey?" McGonagall asked sitting down next to her.

"Of sorts."

She thought for a moment, "me and Archie didn't sleep together until we were married. Been engaged two years."

"I think that's what Charlie wanted. When I married Mark we didn't sleep together until the honeymoon…I think that's where it all went wrong. I didn't want to make the same mistake twice."

"At least you know he wasn't just going out with you for your body." Madam Hooch settled herself into an armchair. There was a crash and they looked round. Snape was searching through the various cupboards around the sink.

"What are you looking for?"

"There was a jar of instant coffee…"

"Can I have your attention please?" Albus Dumbledore called over the chatter. No one had seen him enter. He often did that, appearing when they least expected it. They silenced almost immediately. "Now, as many of you are aware we have a new teacher. May I introduce Gilderoy Lockhart?"

There was somewhat muted applause and a scattering of muttering. They had all heard the story of his interview, many people (mostly the females) where non-the less, impressed. Gilderoy Lockhart beamed around the room (today wearing bright yellow).

"Greetings!" He called proudly. "I hope that we can all enjoy working together and I look forward to getting to know you all. Just treat me like an ordinary teacher, ignore that I am somewhat well-known on the publishing circuit." No one said anything, a few glances where, however, exchanged.

"Gilderoy has a few suggestions about how we can strengthen our team. I would like to give some of these suggestions a go." Dumbledore added.

"What sort of 'suggestions'?" McGonagall asked suspiciously.

"Team building games and exercises." There was a collective groan.

"No offence, headmaster, but I am rather busy getting things ready for the new term."

"Severus, I would like you to participate. That goes for everyone." Another groan. "It won't take too much of your time and it would be an interesting experiment."

They were getting used to Dumbledore's wild ideas for 'team bonding' that he seemed to be getting from the many Muggle magazines that he read. They were all secretly wishing they knew who had given him a subscription to a management magazine in the Secret Santa (except obviously the person who had given him the subscription who was wishing they hadn't).

"I think it sounds like rather good fun." Madam Hooch said.

"You just enjoy inflicting pain." Professor Flitwick squeaked. "Professor, some of us…don't enjoy physical activities."

"It's a good time to start, New Year's resolutions."

"Well, mine was get more physical…but not in the way you're suggesting." Sprout muttered.

There was a further crash and everyone turned to Snape, who they discovered was wrestling with the coffee-pot. Albus Dumbledore groaned inwardly, it was going to be another one of those years.

Several hours later the staff filtered into the Great Hall, which they discovered had been set up as a sort of obstacle course. The only people who seemed excited by the prospect of racing round a demanding obstacle course at half past two in the afternoon where Madam Hooch (who enjoyed any team game), Gilderoy Lockhart (it had been his suggestion and a chance to show off) and Albus Dumbledore. To Severus Snape's irritation Madam Pomfrey had pronounced him fit enough to take part after the coffee-pot incident and so he, like everyone else was forced to the Great Hall.

"Ah, excellent." Gilderoy beamed. He was now wearing a ridiculous pair of shorts that left very little to the imagination, and a t-shirt bearing his initials (in bright pink). "Now, I want you all to split into two teams which will be headed by myself and Professor Dumbledore." They reluctantly split.

"I'm starting to agree with you." Professor Sprout whispered to Snape as they crossed the hall to Dumbledore.

"About what?"

"That Lockhart is a puff."

"Ah."

"Oh dear. It seems that we have uneven teams." Specifically, Lockhart had two. "Perhaps everyone under forty should join me." Several people shuffled reluctantly over; "Oh I will enjoy being the youngest."

"He surely can't be younger than Severus." Flitwick muttered under his breath to McGonagall.

"He can't be."

"Now." Lockhart said from his stand, " the aim of the exercise to help each other around the obstacle course and the team that completes it in the quickest time will be the winners. Each team member must complete at least one obstacle."

"Perhaps you should demonstrate." Snape said with an evil grin.

"Demonstrate?" He seemed suddenly nervous.

"Yes, give us an example of how it is done."

"Well…I…I hardly…I hardly don't think that's fair."

"How is it unfair?" Sinistra asked.

"The…the idea is that…they are obstacles…if I demonstrate overcoming…overcoming the obstacles it would hardly be a challenge." They had to hand it to him, he could defiantly think on his feet.

Several exhausting hours later, everyone was battered bruised and humiliated. They all however took some comfort in Gilderoy Lockhart's disastrous attempt at climbing the wall; his rather tight shorts had split, he'd messed up his hair and shock horror, broken a nail.

"I've got bruises in places I didn't know could get bruised." Flitwick said walking gingerly across the staff room.

"Where did Dumbledore get the idea to hire that…" Snape couldn't finish, he was too exhausted to be callous. They all looked at McGonagall.

"No point looking at me, this isn't my fault." She transformed herself into a cat and jumped up onto Snape's knee.

He tickled her absently behind the ears. "I'm not moving."

Tune in next time for the Start of Term!