Title: The Gospel, according to Gilderoy Lockhart. Or, The Hogwarts Gazette
Chapter: Four: The Chamber is Opened
Rating: M
Synopsis: Prequel to 'The Meaning of Life at Hogwarts (or The Hogwarts School Band)': This takes place during Harry's second year at Hogwarts, during the time of Gilderoy Lockhart. To assist his already over-inflated ego Lockhart suggests that the students put together their own paper – 'The Hogwarts Gazette'. Unfortunately, Severus Snape ends up on the wrong end of Hermione Granger's pen.
Original Character(s): Alistor Daker, a sadistic coffee-pot and several paper eating caterpillars.
Legal: All the characters (besides those mentioned in the above) are the creation of the wonderful JK Rowling, this story has been written because I was bored and had nothing more exciting to do. This isn't for profit.
Authors Note: Muffin, my brother's six-year-old guinea pig and lover to Javert (my darling) sadly passed away on the 15th December. She will be greatly missed. In other news, thank God for book sales! I've lifted some of the office exchanges in 'The Writing on the Wall' out of the book. The word of the day is prerogative and the musical of the week is You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown!

The Chamber is Opened

"Good afternoon." Professor Snape said closing the door behind him. He walked to the front of his Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff first year class, feeling twenty sets of eyes staring at him. He glared at them for a moment.

"I am Professor Snape, the Potions Master here at Hogwarts. Unlike other teachers I do not accept excuses, homework is to be completed on time and to an acceptable standard. This lesson is dangerous and as a result any unacceptable behaviour will not be tolerated." He glanced at the first years. "There is no wand-waving, or incantations in this class. Potion making is an art and a skill; many of you will not appreciate this and so will only be with me for a short time. Those of you who prove capable will be joining me for a full seven years of study. This subject is not easy and I expect you all to work hard." He picked up his register and began to call out the names.

"Luna Lovegood…You are the daughter of Hugh Lovegood, I presume?"

"Yes professor," Luna replied "and you're Severus William Snape."

He paused, "how do you know that?"

"You have a subscription to The Quibbler." A few people laughed. "Correct." The laughing stopped abruptly. "Sarah Mitchell…" He continued.

"Here professor." A rather timid girl on the front row replied.

----

"Be warned." Lockhart turned to his fourth year class, "I am going to ask you to confront your fears, some of the things you will see today may well stay with you for life."

They were practically on the edge of their seats.

"Not everyone has the stomach for the Dark Arts; the creatures are often things of nightmares. I have come across almost all of the Dark creatures we will be discussing, for further reference please see my published works." He waved a hand at the pile of books on their desks. "In a few moments I will be handing out a short test to see how well you have read the books."

A small groan rippled through the room; it was their first Defence lesson and already a test!

----

"Welcome back!" Professor Flitwick clapped his hands. "This is going to be an intense year of study, we will be looking at more advanced Charms, such as the Summoning Charm. In a years time you will be taking your Ordinary Wizarding Level exams; so, I shouldn't really waffle on wasting precious time and let's get to work!"

He paired his class up, distributing a pillow to each pair.

"Now, the incantation is 'Accio!' For example, for calling your cushion, point your wand and say," he pointed at a nearby cushion, "accio cushion!" The cushion flew towards him and he caught it delicately.

----

Professor Kettleburn walked down the corridor, his wooden leg clicking against the stone. He wasn't looking forward to another year teaching Care of Magical Creatures, it was getting far too dangerous. He could remember with a deep fondness the times when all that was permitted study was kneazles and the like; they weren't quite as dangerous or likely to maim. Next year, he said to himself, next year I will be spending time with my remaining limbs and my wife. One more year to get through. One more year of teaching the Weasley twins.

----

Professor Snape demonstrated the Baldness Cure Potion to his class of Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff first years whilst they made notes and asked appropriate questions. He enjoyed teaching the Ravenclaw's, they were inquisitive, clever and willing to learn, the Hufflepuff's were quite fun as well.

"The potion will now simmer for twenty-minutes. Remember to stir it clockwise every five minutes, so in twenty minutes you should have stirred the potion how many times?" He looked up. "Miss Marshall?"

"Four, sir."

"Almost. Anyone else? Miss Lovegood?"

"Five."

"Good. Ten points to Ravenclaw. This potion took me only ten minutes to prepare, I expect you to take at least forty minutes, as this is your first attempt and I have been doing this for my most of my life."

He quickly paired them up; he didn't have to worry about inter-house squabbles and so they were paired house-to-house. They set about preparing their ingredients; whilst doing so Snape continued with his own potion, it would have been a waste of ingredients to dump the contents and it could be a useful sample.

He bottled his sample. Opening his desk draw to get a label he discovered an envelope. Curiously he took it from his desk; he recognised the handwriting immediately and placed it in his inside pocket for later reading. He did sometimes wish that Alastor didn't leave letters around for him to discover during his first week back, they were reassuring though so he wasn't going to put a stop to it.

He proceeded to observe his class, checking with each student.

An hour later the bell rang. There had been no catastrophes; no cuts, no burns and everyone completed the potion, each bottling a sample and placing it on his desk on the way out. His homework had simply been to write 12inches of parchment on the Baldness Potion and it's ingredients.

He sat down giving his feet a deserved rest and took out his letter. He had five minutes before his class arrived and this would be enough time to read it.

He carefully opened the envelope and started to read.

By my estimation you found this letter during a first year class. You're far too predictable, my dear!

Unfortunately my powers of perception can't tell me if you've got a Gryffindor/Slytherin class, or a Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff class...hopefully the latter.

I'm counting the days until we can be back together again. I'm soppy I know, but hey can I help it if I find you drop dead sexy? I daren't even put into writing my plans for the night we are reunited; let's just say you won't be leaving our bed for at least twenty-four hours.

Possibly unable to walk.

That's right, professor, I plan to screw your brains out! (Hopefully that has just made you blush)

He did indeed blush.

Before I forget, my mother has invited us for Boxing Day. She also dropped hints about putting locks on the bedroom door this year to prevent any 'unfortunate viewing' again; I believe my niece will be in attendance with her husband and kiddie-wink.

The unfortunate viewing had been last year when they had been…engaged in a little bit of early morning fun when Alastor's mother walked in to enquire if they wanted a cup of tea. It had been hard to say who had been more embarrassed!

Alastor's sister was seven years older than the pair. She had become pregnant soon after leaving Hogwarts, and now she was a grandmother of two years. Severus had never met either the sister or the niece; there had been some sort of family argument the year previously and she hadn't been invited to the Boxing Day dinner. Snape hadn't asked what the argument had been about.

I'm taking full advantage of your absence to begin getting back into shape. I doubt I can re-join the ranks of the Elite, but I can certainly work as an Auror. My vision should be back to normal soon, St Mungo's aren't quite as hopeful but I know everything will be top notch, maybe not 20-20 and I'll have to don spectacles. Maybe something like yours...I know you hide them when you're working but really, are the headaches really worth it?

Several years ago Alastor had been a member of the 'secret' branch of the Magical Law Enforcement known only as the 'Elite Squad'; it was akin to MI5 in the Muggle world, and the government was still denying it's existence. They dealt with the spies, double agents and the other dubious characters that the Auror's used for information regarding Dark Wizards, it was dangerous work and sadly Alastor had been seriously injured one-night three years ago. He had been hit in the face with a particularly nasty curse and was almost blinded; it had cost him his job and he was still recovering physical and mentally from the incident. Magic couldn't cure blindness.

Snape did indeed wear glasses, only for reading. The torments he had endured at school made him uncomfortable wearing them in public and so he only did so in private.

My love to Minerva, Albus and the rest of the gaggle.

Alastor

The second bell rang and he folded his letter away.

----

The week progressed slowly. Minerva McGonagall sat in her office after classes on Friday afternoon. She needed to think of appropriate detentions for Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. She had thought about sending them with Hagrid into the Forbidden Forest again, but it hadn't had much impact the year before.

They got on well with Hagrid and might see it as a soft option. She had ignored Severus' suggestion of locking Harry Potter in a small room at the top of the Astronomy tower until he graduated. She glanced at her desk, and the tidy piles of marking. Perhaps some sort of non-magical labour should be in order, for at least Mr Weasley.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in." She called. To her dismay, Gilderoy Lockhart entered. "I heard you had a little trouble with Cornish Pixies."

"Oh nothing that couldn't be controlled. I could have stopped it immediately, but I felt it was a good idea to allow them to encounter the little buggers."

"Really." She smiled at him. "Can I help you, Gilderoy?"

"I was thinking about young Harry's detention. He seems to be striving for attention, to make himself known." That sounded like someone else. "As I am in a position where I am known, I receive a great deal of attention. I receive thousands upon thousands of fan letters. Perhaps it would be a suitable punishment for Harry to address envelopes. Make him realise that fame has its prices."

"Well…" She thought quickly, "Professor Snape usually needs a hand…"

"No offence to Severus, but I doubt he has the expertise to deal with children like Harry." McGonagall disagreed, she thought that Snape had all the skills in the world to deal with children like Harry.

She sighed; it might be suitable punishment to spend time alone with Gilderoy Lockhart. "All right, Gilderoy. I will send Potter along to your office tomorrow night at eight."

"I shall expect him."

----

Madam Pince hummed to herself as she dusted her precious bookshelves with a bright pink feather duster. You had to be careful around magical books, most of them hated being dusty. She cast a beady eye at the long tables, making sure that the students where behaving themselves. They were.

She saw Professor Snape enter and hurried over to speak to him.

"Professor."

"Good afternoon, Madam Pince."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"No. I was returning these." He handed several books over, all them about Potions.

Madam Pince didn't trust the Potions Master, he read far too much. She remembered him as a student, he spent hours in the library reading and making notes. He had been a very jumpy child, whenever she had approached him at closing time he had almost jumped out of his seat. There was something very strange about him.

She took the books and check the return dates. "Thank you, professor."

----

Halloween was fast approaching, the ghosts were excited and the House Elves were fast preparing the castle for the forthcoming festivities. Professor Dumbledore was rumoured to be booking a group of dancing skeletons. There was the extra excitement over Nearly Headless Nick's five hundredth Death Day.

Harry Potter had been wandering around seemingly in a daze. He didn't like hearing voices; the dismembered voice haunted him. No one would believe him. He found himself distracted in most of his lessons, and to make matters worse Gilderoy Lockhart seemed to enjoy making him an exhibition out of him during his lessons. He found himself in a daydream as Snape addressed the class.

"From your Transfiguration lessons you should all have a basic understanding of how you can change one object into another. There are potions that can do a more effective job. You can even change who you are." He glanced round the room and saw that Hermione Granger had raised her hand. He sighed, "yes Ms Granger?"

"What do you mean by who you are?" She asked.

"There is a potion called the Polyjuice Potion, which you would use for turning into someone else. For example if you wished to change places with Mr Malfoy, you could drink the Polyjuice Potion and for one hour you would have the body of Mr Malfoy, but not the mind. It's a complex potion and which the Ministry has tried to ban on numerous occasions, but has not been successful. If you are interested there is a book called Moste Potente Potions, which we do have a copy in the school library, which would tell you more." He turned and pointed his wand at the blackboard. "Today we will be working on a much simpler potion, one of which I can assure is very useful, for treating acne."

The class set to work. Harry set about cutting up his ingredients, he hadn't really been listening to Snape's lecture and found himself unable to concentrate on his potion. It made a gurgling sound and he instinctively stepped back. Snape walked over, without saying anything he waved his wand at Harry's cauldron and the gurgling concoction vanished.

"I don't want to waste my time putting you in detention, Potter." He said. "Nothing can clearly penetrate that thick skull of yours. Twelve inches of parchment on my desk tomorrow about the importance of paying attention during a Potions lesson." He stalked away.

----

"Does Luna Lovegood remind you of anyone?" Professor Flitwick asked Minvera McGonagall as she helped herself to coffee. For once the coffee pot was in a good mood and so coffee was indeed what you got out of the thing. You had to be careful though, the slightest thing could set it off.

"Now you mention it, yes she does." She sat down with her mug. She had absently selected the bright yellow mug with the happy faces on it; it had been a gift to Severus Snape from his partner, Alastor. They all appreciated the irony.

"She's quite the loner. The other Ravenclaw's don't really want much to do with her, she's a bit too eccentric for them I think."

"What can you expect, her father is the editor for The Quibbler."

"Do you think we should perhaps point out the similarities?"

"He probably recognises her traits."

"Do you think I should be concerned?"

"About Ms Lovegood? No, I don't think so." She sipped her coffee thoughtfully. "We're all eccentric, Filius. She probably fits in more than she realises."

"You're right."

----

Luna Lovegood was in the library again, Madam Pince observed. She was another one who spent her time with her head buried in a book or that outrageous magazine The Quibbler. Really, that sort of thing shouldn't be allowed in a school. She had her quill stuck behind her ear…funnily she reminded her of someone.

----

Albus Dumbledore casually scribbled a note in the margin of the book that he was reading; it suddenly jumped up and began beating him around the head. Ah, he'd forgotten it was a library book. He tried to duck out of the way, but the book continued to attack him. Flustering slightly he grabbed his wand and froze the book mid-attack. He might have a word with Madam Pince about her charms; someone could lose an eye.

He put aside the book and picked his copy of 'Transfiguration Monthly' only to discover several caterpillars enjoying dinner. He shook them off his magazine; they landed on his desk with an undignified 'thud'. The slightly larger one (clearly the ringleader) raised itself up and appeared to be in the process of shaking his fist…well, it seemed like that.

----

The Halloween celebrations were going well. For once Severus Snape was enjoying himself. The dancing skeletons amused him, and he was generally in a good mood. Professor Flitwick hiccuped into his wine, if the little man didn't slow down he was going to have to be carried out of the Great Hall.

Flitwick reached for the bottle; Professor McGonagall took it away before he could reach it. "I think you've had enough, Filius."

"Oh just one more." He slurred.

"No, not unless you want to be carried out of here." She cautioned. Flitwick stuck his tongue out at her. "Really Filius." Snape smirked behind his goblet.

"I wonder where Gilderoy is." Madam Hooch asked looking at her watch.

"He probably walked passed a mirror." Snape replied. Several people snorted into their goblets. "If he so much attempts to discuss Potions with me tonight, I might scream."

"You don't strike me as the vocal type." Dumbledore smiled as the Potions teacher blushed. "I wonder how Sir Nicholas is getting on with his Death Day Party."

----

At the end of the Halloween Feast the school made its way sleepily back to their respective dormitories. Or at least they tried to. Several people screamed when they saw the writing on the wall and backed away from the frozen Mrs Norris. Most just stared at Harry, Ron and Hermione, what had they been doing here?

Argus Filch burst through the crowds, screaming at Harry. "You've murdered my cat! You've killed her! I'll kill you –" He lunged at Harry but at that moment Dumbledore appeared and seized Filch's arm.

"Argus!"

He detached Mrs Norris from the torch bracket and turned to the gathered students. "Prefects take everyone back to their houses." Dumbledore called. No one needed telling twice. He never allowed his eyes to leave Harry's. He turned to Argus Filch, "Come with me, Argus. You too Mr Potter, Mr Weasley, Ms Granger."

At Lockhart's suggestion they had gone to his office. Snape had prevent himself from gagging seeing the many portraits and pictures of Lockhart staring down at him. What a complete pillock he thought to himself glancing at the portraits.

Dumbledore bent over Mrs Norris, muttering and carefully examining her. Meanwhile Lockhart was hovering around like a great big blue bottle. Snape was struggling not to laugh at the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher as he pranced around the room.

"It was definitely a curse that killed her – probably the Transmogrifian Torture. I've seen it used many times, so unlucky I wasn't there, I know the every counter-curse that would have saved her…"

Snape found himself wishing that Lockhart hadn't known the counter-curse and had been frozen in some far off country. He knew what the Transmogrifian Torture curse looked like, he'd seen it used first hand, and it certainly didn't leave the victim in a paralysed state. He felt sorry for the caretaker, slumped in the corner; Lockhart certainly wasn't making the situation better.

"…I remember something very similar happening in Ouagadougou, a series of attacks. Full story's in my autobiography. I was able to provide the townsfolk with various amulets which cleared the matter up at once…" Lockhart continued.

Please shut up. Snape thought, glancing at Professor McGonagall who was clearly thinking the same thing.

"She's not dead." Dumbledore said turning to them. "She's been petrified."

"Ah! I thought so!" Lockhart cried.

After Filch once more accused Harry of bewitching his beloved cat, and once again Snape tried to get Harry removed from the Quidditch Team (which would have been his own personal revenge) the conversation turned to how they were going to undo what had been done.

"We will be able to cure her, Argus." Dumbledore said patiently. "Professor Sprout recently managed to procure some Mandrakes. As soon as they have reached their full size, I will have a potion mate which will revive Mrs Norris."

"I'll make it," Lockhart butted in. "I must have done it a hundred times, I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep…"

"Excuse me," said Snape icily, "but I believe I am the Potions master at this school."

There was an awkward pause, during which Dumbledore dismissed Harry, Ron and Hermione who seemed only too glad to be getting out of the suddenly tense office.

"I think I'd better…" Lockhart attempted to leave.

"Do you believe that you would make a better Potions master?"

"No! Of course not, Severus, I respect your abilities after all you are the youngest Potions master in over a century."

"Quite."

Before another awkward pause could descend, Dumbledore spoke.

"I think that it is best that we don't draw unnecessary attention to this." He indicated Mrs Norris; "we don't want to cause any panic."

"I'll speak to Professor Sprout for a update with the Mandrakes." Snape made to leave the room.

"I'll do…" Lockhart caught Snape's eye, "you best." Snape left.

"Argus, I know that you are very upset but I think it would be best if you…removed the writing on he wall."

"Yes sir." Filch wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. "Can I…?"

"Of course, take Mrs Norris to your office and make her comfortable." The headmaster smiled kindly at him, "do not worry she will soon be back to normal." The caretaker left with his beloved cat cradled in his arms. "Gilderoy, Severus is very good at his job and I think it would be very wise not to help."

"Yes…" He replied meekly.

"His barks worse than his bite." McGonagall reassured before leaving the room, "although it is best to provoke him. Goodnight, Gilderoy." She left.

Coming soon, 101 Days of Randomness!