Title: The Gospel, according to Gilderoy Lockhart. Or, The Hogwarts Gazette

Chapter: Six: The Hogwarts Gazette
Rating: M

Synopsis: Prequel to 'The Meaning of Life at Hogwarts (or The Hogwarts School Band)': This takes place during Harry's second year at Hogwarts, during the time of Gilderoy Lockhart. To assist his already over-inflated ego Lockhart suggests that the students put together their own paper – 'The Hogwarts Gazette'. Unfortunately, Severus Snape ends up on the wrong end of Hermione Granger's pen.
Original Character(s): Alistor Daker, a sadistic coffee-pot and an army of paper eating caterpillars

Legal: All the characters (besides those mentioned in the above) are the creation of the wonderful JK Rowling, this story has been written because I was bored and had nothing more exciting to do. This isn't for profit.

Authors Note: Hm…this was technically written on December 31st 2005, however I didn't finish it until the wee hours of the morning, so it was finished in 2006. Happy New Year everyone! I really really don't want to go back to college to finish that stupid Theatre Electrics course…why did I do it??! The word of the day is couverture and the musical of the week is Snoopy: the Musical

The Hogawrts Gazette

Severus Snape turned to face his Thursday afternoon second year Gryffindor/Slytherin class. He hated this lesson; he spent far too much making sure the little buggers didn't blow up his classroom. Not that it was a particularly nice classroom but it was the principle of the thing.

Three years ago he had had to evacuate the dungeons and surrounding area after a potion had gone disastrously wrong, he hadn't appreciated having to spend the next year stuck in a cramped classroom on the third floor.

He also had a headache.

"Recipe, ingredients, cauldron…get on with it."

Halfway through the lesson, disaster struck. He was momentarily reminded of 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy', like Arthur Dent, he could never quite get the hang of Thursday's. Gregory Goyle's cauldron exploded, showering surrounding students with Swelling Solution and hot bits of a metal. Hell broke loose.

"SILENCE!" He roared, attempting to get to his desk and slipping somewhat unceremoniously on Neville Longbottom's bag. He caught the desk and straightened himself. "Anyone who has been splashed come here for a Deflating Draught. When I find out who did this…"

Half the class lined up at his desk; thank God he had made a large supply of the Deflating Draught, perhaps expecting a disaster of sorts. To make matters worse his headache had now become a full-blown migraine. He helped Lavender Brown drink the potion, as her hands were too large for her to hold the bottle.

Everyone had been 'cured' and he headed over to Goyle's cauldron to investigate. When he had last checked, his potion had been going well and everything appeared to be correct. Oddly, there had been no foul smell, or strange hiss that usually accompanied a potion-making hiccup…this meant it had certainly been a prank.

His suspicious were confirmed as he scooped out the remains of what looked like a firework. How could someone be so stupid to attempt a prank in his lesson? Apart from being incredibly dangerous, it was…plain stupid.

"If I ever find out who threw this, I shall make sure that person is expelled."

He looked at Harry Potter. He was involved, somehow.

"Hello, Severus." McGonagall said as the potions master stalked into the staff room, took one look at the coffee and got a class of water instead. He didn't respond. "I heard there was a bit of a…incident…"

"It wasn't an 'incident'." He put down the glass; "some little…bugger threw a firework into a cauldron of Swelling Solution."

"Oh dear."

"It was…luck that it landed in a correct cauldron. I imagine what would have happened if it had landed in Longbottom's cauldron."

"So…you're blaming the Gryffindors?"

He sat down. "The evidence certainly suggests that. I doubt that a Slytherin would attempt anything quite as stupid during one my lessons."

McGonagall had to agree, it was unlikely that anyone in Slytherin would even dream of playing such a public prank on their House Master. They did pull pranks on him, usually at select times of year and in the private of their own house.

"Did you remove any points?" He shook his head, "why not?"

"I can't prove it was a Gryffindor. I think that Harry Potter was something to…"

"Severus."

"He looked very guilty."

"Looked?"

"Don't even think of accusing me of that."

"Of course, I'm sorry." She quickly changed the subject. "So, are you looking forward to 'assisting' Gilderoy with his demonstration?"

He'd forgotten about that. "Oh bloody hell."

"It's tonight."

"I know." He rubbed his head. "Am I going to live to see thirty-four?"

"You're thirty-four in January."

"Yes." He took out his cigarette case; "I'm worried about this Duelling Club. I'm a bit concerned someone is going to get hurt, and I don't mean our precious celebrity."

"Disarm him."

"Good idea." He lit the cigarette. "Do you think Professor Dumbledore will pay me danger money for taking part?"

McGonagall laughed, "I doubt it."

"I'll go and write my last will and testament."

"Can I have your guitar?"

"You don't play."

"No, but I feel like learning."

"If I live through this, I'll give you lessons."

Gilderoy Lockhart stood in front of the mirror checking his appearance for the four-hundredth time that evening. Various robes lay scattered around the room; he always dressed for occasion. He opted for the purple breaches, with yellow stockings, pink cravat and deep plum robes. He smiled at himself in the mirror he looked handsome, no, no, he looked gorgeous!

He pulled on his gloves and admired his appearance for one last time before going down to the Great Hall. Things were going great for him at Hogwarts, he had a willing audience for his adventures, and the headmaster himself had agreed to two of his ideas for student improvement. He was very much looking forward to the launch of the Hogwarts Gazette!

He met Severus Snape in the antechamber. The man hadn't even made an effort! All he had done was take off his collar, waistcoat and jacket…far too casual.

"Oh I am looking forward to this." Lockhart grinned.

"I'm not."

Lockhart stood in front of the students. This was the life, showing other people his skills and better still helping people become more like him. How the students were looking at him in admiration, it was marvellous. Snape on the other hand stood towards the back of the stage, he really wasn't cut out to be in the limelight, Lockhart decided. Perhaps he would have a word with the potion teacher about self-image after the lesson.

He waved an arm. "Gather round, gather round. Now, I'd like to introduce to my assistant, Professor Snape, who tells me he knows a tiny bit about duelling and has been a good sport and agreed to a demonstration." He looked at the students, hanging on his every word! "Don't you worry, you'll still have you potions teacher when I'm done with him."

They turned to each other. Lockhart made a show of his bow, whereas Snape simply jerked his head irritably. No showmanship, no showmanship at all…and he calls himself a writer! Snape raised his wand; blast the man's a leftie.

"One-two-three…"

"Expelliarmus!"

Lockhart found himself being blasted through the air. Oh shit. He hit the wall with a thud and slid down, they were cheering! Why were they cheering? He got unsteadily to his feet, ouch ouch ouch!

"That was a disarming charm. Excellent, Professor Snape. It was very obvious you were going to do that, but I felt it would have been instructive for them to see what the charm looked like. Enough of this demonstrating, let's get the class into the pairs for practice."

And thus the Duelling Club continued in mild chaos.

Alastor Daker made his way slowly up the drive, there was clearly something going on the Great Hall. Good he thought, that means I should be able to get in no problems. Hopefully Filch wasn't around, they had never really got one and he got the distinct impression that he didn't exactly approve of his relationship with Severus. Rich really, coming from a man who's wife was stuck as a cat.

He knocked on the door and waited. He shuffled from foot to foot, wondering if perhaps he should have worn his glasses. Professor McGonagall opened the door. Daker grinned.

"Evening, Minerva."

"Alastor! What a pleasant surprise. Does Severus know you…?"

"It's a surprise."

McGonagall had always liked the wiry ex-Auror, although technically he was still an Auror (and not quite as wiry). He wouldn't official leave until ministry decided they no longer wanted to pay him sick pay. It was a shame, a complete shame. Daker was a fantastic Auror and for all his faults he hadn't deserved to be treated like he had been.

"I'm sure he'll be delighted. He's in the Great Hall."

"Yeah, I saw the lights on. What's up with that?"

"Duelling Club."

"Duelling Club?"

"Ask Severus. Come on, don't stand out in the cold."

He stepped gratefully into the warm. Hogwarts hadn't changed a bit since his time there; he had no doubt that Hogwarts had hardly changed in the several thousand years it had stood there. The only thing that changed was the staff and pupils.

"I hear that you've got another celebrity in the school." He said wiping his feet.

"A fairy useless one." She lead Daker towards her office, "you've got about half an hour before they finish in the hall. Fancy a cup of tea?"

"I've never heard more beautiful words."

"Don't move, Potter. I'll get rid of it." Snape stepped forward to vanquish the snake. He knew that it was very evil of him to suggest the spell to Draco, but well he was allowed his fun.

"Allow me!" Lockhart practically leapt forward brandishing his wand. There was a loud bang, and instead of disappearing, the snake flew several feet in the air and landed with a thud, making it angrier.

It hissed and turned towards Justin Finch-Fletchley. The fun was over, Snape pointed his wand at the snake and was about to utter the correct charm when something very strange happened. Harry Potter stepped forward and began to talk to the snake…in Parseltongue.

Snape stared. He quickly waved his wand and the snake vanished. He looked at Harry; there was more to this boy. There was certainly more. He watched as Potter's friend pulled him off the stage and out of the hall, he certainly didn't blame them; the Duelling Club really was a terrible idea.

Severus Snape hurried back to his office. He certainly didn't fancy answering lots of questions from curious Slytherin's, or putting up with Gilderoy Lockhart's company any further. His migraine was still there; he was going to have to take a Pain-Reducing Potion if he wanted to sleep tonight.

He noticed that his office door was slightly ajar. He had locked it before heading up to the Great Hall, taking out his wand he approached the door carefully. With a bit of luck this would be the thief, returning to steal, and he was about to be caught red handed. He pushed the door open with his foot and stepped quickly into the dark room.

Before he could react someone leapt on him.

"Oof!" He was slammed into the wall, at the same time the door closed with a snap as the lock turned. He tried to utter a curse, but his attacker kissed him. "Alastor?"

"The one and only."

"I could have hurt you!"

"Oh no you couldn't." Alastor kissed him again, "and besides I'm well-trained."

Snape kissed him back, "what brings you to my humble office?"

"I thought that lying naked on your bed was too obvious." He nuzzled at Snape's neck. "Hmm, I love it when you don't wear a collar."

"I have a headache."

"Not very original."

"I really do." He managed to slip out of Alastor's grasp. "Could you pass me the Pain-Reducing Potion?" He did so.

"What's this about a Duelling Club?"

Snape sat down, "one of Lockhart's bright ideas."

"I think he's a bit phoney. A damned sexy one, but a phoney."

"I think I agree with you…" He paused, "about being phoney…"

"Aw, that's sweet, you've got a crush."

"Oh grow up."

Alastor went over to his lover, put a knee on the chair, leant over and kissed him passionately. "Did you get my letter?"

"Yes. You were right on all counts."

"Excellent. You really are far too predictable my dear."

"And you've got too much free time."

"I'm enjoying it. I'm definitely going to start getting back into shape, they can't sack me just yet."

"I like you this way, more cuddly." Snape hugged him. "What will you do if they ask you to leave?"

Alastor shrugged, "spend all my free time fucking you."

"Is that really all I'm good for?" He replied playfully.

"Pretty much." Alastor slid his hand inside Snape's shirt, "what are you doing tonight?"

"Not much." Alastor leant forward and whispered something in his ear, "no. No. Not a chance."

"Oh come on, don't you feel like taking a risk or two?"

"A risk or two? Someone could walk in!"

"And all they'd see is your gorgeously naked body tied up."

"If anyone is tying anyone up, it'll be me tying you."

"I reckon you're submissive."

Snape was amused. "You seem very adventurous all of a sudden."

"What do you expect? Without you all I've got is questionable porn."

"I expect you've been trying out that Braille spell on them."

Alastor began to unbutton Snape's shirt. "Of course." He replied, kissing him softly on the neck. "So, are you coming to my mothers for Boxing Day?"

"Probably." He put down his glass of Pain-Reducing Potion and began to help Alastor undress him. He was beginning to forget all about the Duelling Club, Lockhart, the Chamber of Secrets and Harry bloody Potter.

Hermione went down to the main school notice board the next morning. She liked checking the various inter-house messages, many of them were amusing and there usually was something of interest.

There was only one other person there, a Ravenclaw that Hermione didn't know.

"Morning." She said, standing next to the girl.

"Hello." The girl replied. "There have been were-snail sightings, so you might want to watch where you step if you go outside today."

Hermione stared at the girl, "um…okay."

"Look, there's a writing competition."

Hermione looked at the notice.

SCHOOL COMPETITION!

IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT YOU WILL HAVE YOUR OWN SCHOOL NEWSPAPER AND SO WE ARE LAUNCHING A SEARCH FOR THE WRITING STAFF.

IF INTERESTED, PLEASE SUBMIT AN ARTICLE OF ANY LENGTH TO YOUR HEAD OF HOUSE BY THE END OF THE WEEK

GOOD LUCK!

That did sound very interesting. Very interesting.