Title: The Gospel, according to Gilderoy Lockhart. Or, The Hogwarts Gazette

Chapter: Seven: Hermione Granger, Editor!
Rating: M (due to strong language in places, implication of consensual gay sex and Gilderoy Lockhart)

Synopsis: Prequel to 'The Meaning of Life at Hogwarts (or The Hogwarts School Band)': This takes place during Harry's second year at Hogwarts, during the time of Gilderoy Lockhart. To assist his already over-inflated ego Lockhart suggests that the students put together their own paper – 'The Hogwarts Gazette'. Unfortunately, Severus Snape ends up on the wrong end of Hermione Granger's pen.
Original Character(s): Alistor Daker and a sadistic coffee-pot

Legal: All the characters (besides those mentioned in the above) are the creation of the wonderful JK Rowling, this story has been written because I was bored and had nothing more exciting to do. This isn't for profit.

Authors Note: The word of the day is iatrogenic. Oh...and after Office '97 finally pissed me off, I switched to Open Office 2.0. Sadly Javert, my nine year old guinea-pig, died on January 30th. The delay with his chapter has been the usual, college work...and if anyone can explain power correction factor to me, send me an e-mail to the usual address (s.dawsonlycos.nl)

Hermione Granger, Editor!

It was three in the morning. Alastor stared up at the ceiling and tried to stop thinking about how life was going to be life when he could no longer see. At the moment his sight was reduced to a dim haze, he knew it was getting worse and he knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it – no one could. Severus snored gently next to him, Alastor smiled – Severus would kill him if he brought up his snoring, not that it was annoying just gentle and somewhat reassuring.

"Hey." He prodded Severus, who merely rolled over. "Oi!" He prodded him again, still no response so he resorted to the ultimate evil...tickling.

"Fuck off." He murmured sleepily.

"You're really not a morning person."

Severus sat up "it's three o'clock, hardly morning!"

"So you're awake."

"I'm awake because you woke me up."

"When you're feeding the ducks, what are thinking about?" It was a slight quirk of Severus', whenever something was troubling him he would go to the park and feed the ducks. Alastor had never really asked him about it, and had learnt over the years that Severus was best left alone when he feed them.

"If I give you the honest answer, will you let me go back to sleep?"

"Possibly."

"All right, nothing. Absolutely, nothing. That's why I go to feed them." He lay back down, "good night."

Alastor thought for a moment before prodding his long-suffering partner again. "Since we're both awake, maybe some physical exercise would help."

For the past few months Alastor had been getting up at the crack of dawn to exercise, Severus had joined him once or twice over the holidays but running for miles in the early mornings wasn't a great way to great a new day.

"If you think I'm doing squat-thrusts at this time of the morning, you are surely mistaken." He murmured in reply.

"Well it does involve thrusting."

----

The Hogwarts Gazette competition had been active for about a week now, much to the staffs dismay in addition to their usual marking they were wading through articles of various quality. The weather had also taken a nasty turn, forcing Professor Sprout to cancel her last Herbology lessons for the term as she wanted to fit socks on the Mandrakes. On a plus note, it was the last week of term.

"What do you think?" She asked holding up a hideously bright green pair of socks on winter morning in the staff room.

"Vile." Professor Sinistra replied. The coffee pot gurgled in agreement. "But I suppose they won't know."

"Ah, that's where you'd be wrong. They are tricky little buggers."

"Really?"

"Just like children."

"I'll remember that."

----

Snow, bloody snow. Madame Pince eyed the various groups of students in her library, they were all up to no good she supposed. She shushed a group of first years who were being far too noisy and continued to polish the various spell-books.

Spell books were very proud objects and as a resulted demanded to look their best at all times, and believe me you never want to get on the wrong side of a spell book in need of a good clean!

-----

Mark Watson transformed his mouse into a teapot and back again. This was boring, he could do this sort of thing in his sleep! He looked over at his friend Peter Flecther, who was struggling to master the spell.

"Hey, Fletch!"

"What?"

There was a loud POP!

"WATSON!"

Uh-oh.

McGonagall charged across the classroom, waving her wand. "What on Earth do you think you are doing?"

"Well it worked."

"Yes it did, but it was very dangerous!"

One of the girls had handed Peter a mirror. It took him a few moments to register what was going, his head was spinning slightly and he had a strange feeling in his stomach. He finally looked in the mirror.

"Hey cool!" Whatever his friend had tried to do to him, he seemed to have been left very snazzy black and white hair.

"I'm sorry Professor." Watson mumbled.

"It's not me you should be apologising to!"

He turned to his friend, "I'm sorry Fletch, I shouldn't have tried to turn you into a badger."

"You tried to turn me into a badger?"

----

Justin Finch-Flecthley checked round the corner before he headed down the corridor. He was on his guard in case he met Harry Potter, he didn't want to be the next one on his hit list.

He turned on his heel, he was sure he heard something, a sort of...clanging sound.

Probably just the plumbing. He told himself, but just in case it was Potter he took out his wand. The corridor was deserted, apart from the muffled voices from behind the classroom doors.

"Shouldn't you be in class?"

Justin jumped at the sound of the voice. He turned and to his relief he saw that it was only Nearly-Headless Nick.

"Cancelled because of the snow." He replied. He was sure he could hear a low hissing sound; "can you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That sort of...hissing sound."

----

"Fifty points off Ravenclaw! You will also have a detention with me. I don't know what's go into you! How many times have I told you about the dangers of human transformation?"

"But he's all right!"

Fletcher continued to stare at his friend, "you tried to turn me into a badger?"

"See!"

"My decision is not negotiable! Fifty points from Ravenclaw, and a detention." She turned to Peter Fletcher, "incidentally Mr Fletcher your hair will return to..."

Before she could finish there was a loud shout from outside the classroom:

"ATTACK! ATTACK! ANOTHER ATTACK! NO MORTAL OR GHOST IS SAFE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ATTAAAACK!"

----

"It's such a pity I wasn't there." Gilderoy Lockhart looked around the somewhat sombre staff room. "I suppose it's just like with Mrs Norris and young Creevey." No one replied, and not taking the hint he continued to talk. "Such a pity. Oh, I don't believe we've met."

Alastor Daker had spent most of the day sitting in the staff room, he had considered braving the library but he didn't think it was a good idea for a stranger to wander round the school at the present time.

"Alastor Daker." He said holding out his hand. "Gilderoy Lockhart I presume?"

"Oh, well, yes it is. Would you care for an autograph?"

----

"I heard you got your wish." Severus Snape looked up from the parchment he was reading.

"Not exactly my wish." Alastor held up the piece of parchment with the somewhat extravagant signature.

"It's true what they say, he'll sign anything providing it stays still long enough."

"He probably signed his dick."

"With a signature like that, he'd be lucky to get a letter on it."

Alastor grinned, "has a certain someone been stalking again?"

Snape glared at him, "why don't you make yourself useful and help me read some of these articles."

"Oh this is the Hogwarts Gazette competition thing, isn't it?" He picked up a few sheets of parchment. "I suppose I could practice my Braille."

----

"I think it's time we did something Albus. Two students attacked, if we don't do something..."

"Minerva, there is nothing I can do. There are charms all over the school, there's nothing to tell us who is doing this." Dumbledore was weary. "The best thing we can do is patrol the corridors, make sure that students are always with a teacher."

"There aren't enough of us to be everywhere!"

"The ghosts can help with patrols, as can prefects. We just need to keep our eyes open."

"Alastor Daker is currently around..."

"I don't want anyone outside of Hogwarts getting involved, at least not yet."

"Alastor's hardly outside of Hogwarts."

"He's linked with the Ministry, I don't want them involved."

"He's not going..."

"Minerva, please." He stirred his tea. "I trust Alastor, and would welcome his involvement...however, the way things are it's likely to attract attention."

"I don't think people in the Ministry are that bothered about what he gets up to."

"They're keeping an eye on him in case he goes off and writes a book spilling secrets. Chances are the Ministry are well aware that he spent the night here, they would become interested if he spends more than the odd night or two."

----

The staff assembled for their end of term staff meeting. They all knew that it was going to be a sombre affair, and all were keen to hear Dumledore's plans for approaching the events – even the coffee-pot was being relatively well behaved.

"You still here Alastor?" Professor Sinistra asked as she sat down next to ex-Auror.

"Severus has got me practically chained to the bed." He replied.

"Ooh, kinky." Flitwick grinned as he joined them.

"Oh believe me, I'd love to try kinky but Severus is a little...reserved."

"What are your plans for Christmas?" Sinistra asked, getting herself more comfortable on the edge of the armchair.

"Quiet Christmas at home, Boxing Day at my mothers. That is providing circumstances allow it."

"Can I have your attention please?" Dumbledore asked, standing in front of them. There was instant quiet. "This is beginning to become a taxing year, and I'm sure you can all appreciate the serious of these matters. As many children will be heading home for Christmas, I'm sure that we can longer keep this from the press and I would appreciate your co-operation by not talking to anyone." He looked at Lockhart. "I also intend to keep the Ministry out of this for the present."

"Surely as soon as Fudge hears, he'll put two and two together about last time..." Sinistra started.

"I'm not proud to say this, but last time it was covered up. As far as everyone was concerned the death of young Myrtle was unrelated."

"I would be quite happy, over the holidays, to explore the castle fully in the attempt to locate this monster." Lockhart volunteered.

"Thank you, Gilderoy, but over the years the school has been searched many times and I doubt that you will be successful."

"Headmaster, I don't mean to be insensitive in this situation but those of us who have booked the Christmas holidays off..." Snape asked.

"That still stands. I see no reason to cancel leave at this time. However, once you are all assembled again in the New Year I have a few safety systems I would like to place, but it is best we talk about those after Christmas." Dumbledore cleared his voice, "oh, and I believe that today is decision making day for the Hogwarts Gazette, yes?"

And so they decided – and obviously, Hermione Granger was appointed the editor of the Hogwarts Gazette!

Tune in next time for the Beginning of the End!