Title: The Gospel, according to Gilderoy Lockhart. Or, The Hogwarts Gazette

Chapter: Eight: Confessions of an Egotistical Jerk
Rating: M (this chapter contains slash)
Original Character(s): Alistor Daker, a sadistic coffee-pot and a few caterpillars

Authors Note: The word of the day is jurisconsult and the musical of the week is Jack: the Musical. There has been a bit of a re-titling in chapters, sorry. I would like to extend a gesture of thanks to my friend Ray, who politely answered my questions; also, I am very much debating re-writing a certain scene for viewing at a site that allows 18 (NC-17 etc...) rated fics.

Confessions of an Egotistical Jerk

Hermione Granger was a busy little bee. During the day she was Hermione Granger the Super Swot, in the afternoon she was Hermione Granger – Editor! And finally at night she was Hermione Granger, Rule Breaker.

The potion was almost ready, and she felt a little glum knowing that she couldn't get recognition for brewing such an advanced potion (Harry and Ron didn't count). Perhaps she could write an account for the Gazette, obviously setting it in a fictional environment and making sure that no one saw through it.

The Hogwarts Gazette was progressing nicely under her watchful eyes, Colin Creevy was using his camera obsession for something useful, and had submitted a lot of photographs of people with Gilderoy Lockhart. In fact, Hermione was thinking of speaking to Lockhart – maybe she could publish little tip bits from the handsome professor! A rather strange first year Ravenclaw kept submitting articles about were-snails and other such nonsense; maybe she could create a nonsense column! She certainly planned a section of interviews with the staff, Lockhart being the first on her list and Snape the last, in fact she thought I might miss Snape off all together!

-----

The mood around the castle was sombre, despite it being only a week until Christmas. Dumbledore still insisted that anyone on the staff who still wished to go home for Christmas, could do, but in a very touching move every single member of staff chose to stay at the school.

"It'll be like one big family Christmas!" Lockhart beamed round the staff room. "I hope you all remember to get me a something, I have to confess that bought each and every one of you a personal gift."

"Oh joy." Professor Sinistra smiled.

"Perhaps I could entertain you with the daring adventures that I have been on, around the fire on Christmas Eve, a bit of Mulled wine, I'll soon have you all forgetting about the Chamber of Secrets!"

Someone groaned.

"Oh, that reminds me! You must all try my special eggnog mix, secret recipe created it myself, it's probably going to be one of the best things you have ever tasted." He beamed. "Perhaps I can surprise a few of you lovely ladies with the mistletoe?"

"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you..." Snape sang under his breath, causing Professor Sinistra to choke on her coffee.

"Um?" Lockhart looked round.

-----

Albus Dumbledore paced his office for perhaps the one hundredth time that afternoon. He needed to find a way to stop the attacks, he couldn't allow anyone to die this time. There was too much at stake, why was it happening again? Had the heir of Slytherin truly returned to the castle? He was glad that his staff he chosen to spend the Christmas here, with the few students whoever it was attacking them would find the timing perfect. It was his duty to protect them.

----

There was a light snow falling outside and the castle beamed with warm light, things were starting to look a bit like a Christmas card (which I suppose is fitting as it was Christmas).

Severus Snape stretched his legs in front of the fire, it was peaceful in the staff room at the moment, Lockhart was making a pain of himself in the Great Hall with his 'decorating suggestions'. He went back to reading his book, only vaguely aware of his surroundings.

Alastor hadn't exactly taken the news that he was staying at Hogwarts well. He had been quite offended that Severus chose to spend his Christmas at the castle instead of with him. In way of peace breaker, Severus had promised to do something that Alastor was always asking him to do.

"Helloooo..."

Snape jumped slightly and turned to see Professor Sinistra sitting next to him. "Jesus." He muttered.

"I've been sitting here for ten minutes."

"You have?"

"Yes, and you've been staring into space the entire time."

"I didn't realise I was needed."

"You're not, I'd just be nice to get a reply every now and then." She smiled at him, "so, change of Christmas plans?"

"Yes. If Draco Malfoy hadn't been staying, I wouldn't be here."

"I didn't realise you cared that much about the boy."

"Lucius cares, and he happens to be on the school board." He admitted.

"Oh." Sinistra sympathised. "How did Alastor take it?"

"Er..." he thought for a moment, "not at first, but I can be quite persuasive."

"Oh, so you finally agreed to do it."

He was taken back for a moment, "agree to what?"

"You know..." She winked at him.

He blushed violently, "how do you know about that?!" He demanded.

"Alastor was complaining about it." Snape fumed slightly.

"You're awfully red Severus." Professor Flitwick said hopping up onto the nearby armchair.

"He knows we know." Sinistra replied cryptically.

"Oh and about time! You really should have agreed to it earlier, it's wonderful..." Flitwick trailed off, realising what he was saying. Sinistra smiled at him, he too turned the colour of beetroot.

"Do you all know about my sex life?" Snape demanded.

"No," McGonagall replied sitting down in a nearby chair. "Just the things that you won't do."

"I'm going to kill him."

"Before or after you boink him?"

-----

Snape hurried down the corridor, after his grilling into the staff room he wanted to sit somewhere quiet where people were unlikely to disrupt him with comments about his sex life. Personally he believed that he had a very adventurous sex life, although there was the odd one or two things he wouldn't do... possibly by the end of the year he would have tried the ones he wouldn't do, if Alastor got his way.

"Severus!" The last person Snape wanted to see (or hear) at this moment bounded down the corridor towards him. Lockhart was a sickening display of bright pink and tinsel, and worse he was holding mistletoe.

Oh.Shit.

"Severus, I've been meaning to speak to you." Lockhart slipped his arm through Snape's. Snape glared at the offending arm.

"Move it before I break it."

"Oh...yes." Lockhart did so. "Anyway, I wanted to speak to you... in private."

"What about?"

"Something that should be discussed in private."

Snape sighed. "All right." He knew if he didn't listen to what the bugger wanted to say he would annoy him for the rest of Christmas. "My office is nearest."

"Excellent."

-----

The caterpillar eyed the paper-trap suspiciously. There was paper, true, but there was also a nasty looking metal thing... and well, recently it had noted, the numbers of caterpillars had decreased around the castle – could there be a link?

Cautiously it nibbled the corner of the paper. Suddenly everything went black.

-----

"What did you want?" Snape asked sitting behind his desk.

"I heard about your unfortunate situation."

"Not you as well!" He groaned, how did this jerk find out about Alastor's proposal?

"You must be finding things very hard at the moment, knowing whether to trust him or not. After all you can't keep an eye on him all the time, I have to say when I met him the other day I sensed that he was troubled – I have a gift in that area."

Snape was puzzled, "what are you talking about?"

"Oh I understand that you're in denial, I would be too. Over the years I have been in several situations where the dragon has tempted me."

"The dragon..." Snape nodded slightly, "are you high?"

"Good gracious no!"

"Then what in God's name are you on about?"

"Your...partner's problem. You know, tempting the dragon? I just wanted to let you know that I have published a book on coping with difficult situations, and of course I deal with my own problems in my autobiography which I have been told have been a great source of support for people..."

"Who told you?" Snape interrupted icily.

"Who...er...no one. I thought that had seen his name somewhere before, and I asked my agent to look him up..." Something from the look on Snape's face told Lockhart to shut up.

"If you ever speak to me again regarding...Alastor's problem, I will not hesitate to hurt you." He said quietly, "I will also make sure that you never publish another book again as will Alastor's lawyer. Is that clear?"

"P...perfectly."

"Get out."

------

No one could fail to enjoy the wonderful Christmas that Dumbledore had arranged. There were no fewer than twelve Christmas trees, glistening with beautiful frost. There were streamers of holly and (to Snape's annoyance) mistletoe suspended in mid-air. The enchanted ceiling was mirroring the light snow falling outside, except this snow was warm.

Hagrid hiccuped as he reached over the jug of eggnog. "Wish we 'ad this stuff all ye'r 'round."

"I'm glad we don't." McGonagall observed, "I think you should slow down."

There was a little 'thud' behind her, she turned to see a rosy faced Professor Flitwick lying on his back with his feet in the air, giggling madly.

"It's pure cashmere." Malfoy's crooning voice could be heard from the Slytherin table. "Highest quality, my mother makes sure I get nothing but the best."

Somehow Dumbledore had persuaded Snape to bring his guitar, and he was leading the school in his favourite Christmas carols.

------

Madame Pomfrey stared as Hermione Granger was hurried into the Medical Wing under a blanket and escorted by Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Her eyes almost popped out of head upon observing the somewhat obvious tail that Hermione seemed to have grown.

She sighed, "I'm not going to ask."

------

Back in the staff room, the festivities continued (but without Flitwick and Hagrid who had both been sent to bed in disgrace). The traditional present swap took place and soon the lush carpet was covered in wrapping paper. Lockhart have given everyone signed special editions of his autobiography, and he had received gifts of quills and notebooks from the staff.

Albus Dumbledore was beginning to wish he had never mentioned his desire for socks this Christmas, instead of books. What was he going to do with over twenty pairs? The saying "you can never have too many socks", wasn't true.

"Instead of you, I got Petrus a little present." Professor Sprout handed over a small parcel. "I hope he likes it."

Petrus was Snape's rather sweet pet hedgehog, he was getting to be a little elderly and spent most of his time asleep but considering the large amount of little hedgehogs he sired every year, he wasn't quite past his prime.

Snape smiled and opened the parcel. "I'm sure he'll love them." He held up the multi-coloured little booties. "I take it you knitted them yourself?"

"Oh yes. I had some wool left over from the Mandrake hats."

"They're very nice, thank you."

They were interrupted by Gilderoy Lockhart tapping a glass with a spoon. "Eh-hem! Can I have your attention please?" He got their attention. "Wonderful. Now I thought that I would regal you with a few tales of thrilling adventure to take our minds off the recent events." He beamed, jumped onto a chair and cleared his voice loudly; "my defeat of the Wagga-Wagga Werewolf."

------

Two hours later, Lockhart was still enthralled with his 'thrilling' tale, completely oblivious to the fact that no one was listening. Snape was making origami animals out of the wrapping paper that was still lying around the staff room, and Professor Sprout was snoring loudly.

Lockhart reached the climax of his tale, and was met with a somewhat muted applause. "Thank you, thank you." He bowed theatrically. "And now, for my adventure..."

"Oh for Christ's Sake!" Snape exploded, he couldn't take any more. "Your head is so far up your own arse that, that lump in your throat is your nose!"

"I'm only trying to help!" Lockhart replied a little meekly.

"Trying? The only thing you're trying is my bloody patience! None of us want to know how you single handily saved fucking the world!" People stopped what they were doing to stare at the heated exchange, Professor Sprout continued to snore.

"At least I'm doing something, Severus. I'm not sitting around being miserable and complaining, I'm trying to lighten peoples spirits." Lockhart replied hotly.

"And you think this is helping?"

"I'm just trying to regal a few stimulating tales."

"The only thing you are stimulating is my urge to kill you!"

"Is that a confession? Are you perhaps assisting whoever it is, who is committing these atrocities because if I didn't know better Severus Snape I would say you are trying to hinder me because you're involved!"

There was a deadly silence. Snape glared at Lockhart before storming out the room, slamming the door behind him. Professor Sprout woke up with a snort, and couldn't quite figure out why everyone was staring at her.

"What?" She asked.

------

Later that night Snape stalked the corridor, he was is in a foul mood. Beware the student who crossed his path that night.

How dare Lockhart... The little fucker.

He almost kicked a house elf as it hurried by in a Christmas costume, but managed to stop himself, it wasn't fair to hurt the house elves. He headed outside, he needed to smoke and he wasn't any where near his office or the staff room.

He sat on the steps, shivering slightly and watched the snow. The light was still on Hagrid's hut and he could hear his drunken singing, and could it be that he was accompanied by an equally drunk Flitwick? He couldn't be sure.

The cigarette was beginning to calm him down somewhat, perhaps he had over-reacted to Lockhart. After all, he mused, he was only trying to help... in a egotistical way. He lit another cigarette and began to muse on the subject that was Gilderoy Lockhart.

The snow began to fall heavier, and Snape was beginning to get a little chilly. He sighed and extinguished the cigarette, it was better to head inside than freeze to death out here.

------

The coffee pot was in a merry mood, it was Christmas and someone had fed it vodka. It was contemplating finally making that move on the tea-pot, the fact it was an inanimate object seem to pass it by completely, but even coffee pots dream.

Severus Snape poured himself a cup of coffee (or what was masquerading as coffee). It was nearing one o'clock in the morning and he was still awake, chances are when the clock turned nine he would be still sitting in the staff room. There were no lights on, he preferred it this way, and it helped him think, reflect on the day's events.

He heard a snuffling sound in the dark and cautiously drew his wand. He spotted someone sitting at the dark conference table. "Lockhart?"

Lockhart jumped slightly and turned to face Snape; "Severus! What…what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question." He lit the lamps with a flick of his wand; Lockhart turned quickly away to hide his face but not before Snape had spotted the tell tale signs of tears. He paused for a moment not quite knowing what to do.

"I'm tired." Lockhart said indicating his face, "always makes me emotional."

Snape coughed slightly, "erm... I... I wanted to apologise for earlier."

Lockhart waved a hand, "I should be apologising to you. I shouldn't have accused you."

"It's forgiven." He sat down next to Lockhart. "I shouldn't have flown off the handle, I know that you were only trying to help, in your way."

"Minerva did mention that you were a little stressed."

He eyed Lockhart, "I think we all are." The sat in silence for a few minutes, "look, is everything all right?"

"Christmas is a very emotional time of year."

Snape agreed, "but what concerns me somewhat is that you of all people are sitting alone in the dark, crying."

"Oh, I'm not crying dear boy."

"Of course not." Snape took a breath; "look, Lockhart, I've been teaching a long time now. We're under a lot of pressure from all sides, students, parents, other teachers; and then this year we've got the added pressure of something trying to kill us. Sometimes we have to…talk about things that are bothering us."

"From what I hear, you don't talk either."

"Touché. I have outlets though; I've got my partner. Who do you have?"

"My writing is my outlet."

"It's clear that what you're writing about doesn't bother you." He stood up, "friendly advice? Talk to Dumbledore, anyone." He walked towards the door.

"I hate Christmas." Snape stopped and turned. "Which is silly, because everyone loves Christmas. The coloured lights, the... the presents and family. What's to hate about Christmas?"

Snape returned to the sofa and sat down next to him. "Christimas can be a very trying time of year." He conjured up a bottle of Odin's Old Fire Whiskey, and poured two glasses.

"My family had very little. We couldn't afford much, you wouldn't think that I come from nothing would you? It wasn't that we never had money, it was more we couldn't keep the money. Father was always owing people money. Sometimes when he couldn't pay, they'd come round..."

Snape topped up Lockhart's glass and gulped down his own.

"I used to sit in my bedroom and pretend it wasn't happening, I couldn't understand why my mother let them do that to her, she was a witch she could have protected herself...and my sister."

"I didn't know that you have a sister."

"Had." Snape left it alone and they continued drinking in silence for awhile.

"It was Christmas Eve, once again my father had gambled everything we had and couldn't pay. The men came round and..." Lockhart was crying again, "I couldn't protect them."

"You were only a child." Snape said softly, "you weren't expected to protect them." He handed Lockhart his handkerchief. "Why isn't any of this in your autobiography?"

"You read... People don't want to read about those things. You can't tell them everything."

"Not even the truth?"

Lockhart looked at him for a moment, "You asked me if I was…queer." Lockhart stared at his hands. Snape didn't reply.

The kiss was gentle and exploring at first before becoming more intense and passionate.

"I say!" A nearby painting exclaimed before hurrying out the frame.

Lockhart lay back on the sofa and Snape followed, still locked in their kiss. They continued in that position for a few minutes allowing their tongues to explore their new surroundings. Snape moved to unfasten Lockhart's trousers.

"Wait, Severus...I've never..." Lockhart gasped.

Suddenly Snape came to his senses, realising what he was doing. He sat up.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled.

Lockhart sat up, "Severus..."

"I've had too much to drink." Snape stood up and quickly crossed to the door, he paused before rapidly leaving.

Lockhat fell back on the sofa and cursed his inability to keep his mouth shut.

The coffee pot gurgled with glee. You waited a life time to enjoy this sort of scandal!

"You should have kept quiet." A rather miffed painting broke the silence. Lockhart turned to see several faces squashed into the frame. He glared. "Well you weren't exactly being private."

"Shut up." He sighed and decided to go for a very cold shower.