Title: The Pets Chronicle part 4.5 – Zack's Fantasies

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairing: Implications of Zack/Cloud, Zack/Aeris, Leon/Cloud

Rating: PG-13. Rated for Zack's mouth. Erm, beak. Whatever. XD

Warnings: AU, fluff, sap, humour, slightly crack-tistic in nature

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy 7 or any of their characters, as much as I would like to.

Summary: Zack really hates that human who's always bothering his poor master.

Zack's biggest wish in life was simple: find a pretty female, raise a few chicks of their own, and in the process, bedazzle his master so they would always stay together.

It was a wish so simple Zack knew many pet chocobos who had made it their life goals. Some had succeeded nicely, with a large horde of chicks to carry on their family name, only to end up having their masters giving away some of those babies due to the sheer amount of greens needed to feed the whole family. Some were not so successful, and their babies ended up in Fantasia Fried Chocobos latest lunch promotion. Poor Xenmas… Zack would always remember his dear friend wailing like a crazy bird upon smelling his twin brother in his master's lunch box one day. Even though Zack had never liked that Ansem, he was always upset to see one of his kind turn out as human feed.

Then, there were also chocobos who had completely failed in the life goal of all chocobos. Basically, those losers either lost their masters or never found a life mate. Or worse, fell in love with the wrong species. Like his old friend Tidus, who got so infatuated with his neighbour's pet, a hyperactive moogle named Selphie. That moogle generally 'kupo-ed' the hell out of Zack, but well, whatever floats Tidus' boat. And then there was that pretty chocobo Lucrecia who got stalked by a tonberry named Vincent, and the knife-wielding, lantern-swinging little lizard always toddled behind her like some sort of parasitic leech.

Of course, nothing good ever came out of those romances.

Then again, he seemed to remember Cloud getting a letter from Tidus' master, telling them that the chocobo had somehow, one way or another, mated with Selphie. Zack didn't even want to begin thinking about how the babies would look like, because the minute he gave it a thought, images of a sphinx-like monster would assault his little chocobo brain. And what would the babies be called? Moocobo? Chocogle?

…Maybe it was better that he didn't think too much about that.

The important thing was Zack refused to become one of those losers. Ever since he had gotten adopted by Cloud, he swore that he would always stick by the blond like superglue and nothing short of a meteor would separate them. No, even if a meteor came and took his life, he would still stalk his master in spirit form! Cloud had never shown any signs of dissatisfaction with him either, and he was always telling Zack how they would always be together no matter what because they were best friends, buddies and partners. Zack was still very proud of the fact that Cloud had given his younger brother a good dressing-down for even implying that he wanted to eat the black chocobo.

Of course that never deterred Riku, that silver-haired jerk, who had a stubborn streak at least a mile wide.

But Zack could still live with him, because that jerk was Cloud's younger brother, and as Cloud's favourite and only pet, he was obliged to be magnanimous and forgive that jerk. And Cloud very seldom blamed him for pecking Riku, just as long as the boy didn't bleed too much.

So where did this brown-haired, scar-faced, leather-obsessed /jackass/ come from?

And why the hell was he snatching all of Cloud's attention away?

And why was Cloud letting him?

And why was that jackass always biting Cloud and removing his clothes? Didn't that jackass know that a bite could be really painful, and that Cloud could get a cold from his lack of clothes?

Zack had tried to protect his master valiantly. By pecking that jackass' feet repeatedly, hiding his shoes and biting through his socks even though those things smelled worse than sewer water, clawing his thighs once or twice, Zack thought it would get rid of that stupid human, or at the very least, deter that idiot from getting too close to his master. As the saying goes, desperate calls for desperate measures, so when none of those had worked, Zack had even showed that blockhead his middle feather, something he had seen Riku do on several occasions when the boy was driving or to get unwanted people like salesman off his back.

Unfortunately, even that gesture failed to chase away the sieve-head idiot. All of Zack's angry warks just passed through his head like water through a sieve. What an utter, bumbling idiot.

Worst of all, why couldn't Cloud understand that Zack had done all that for his sake? Why was his pretty, naïve, trusting master still hanging around that abomination?

Zack's little chocobo heart bled in pain for his master.

And that was why it was little wonder Zack had the wildest dreams about that idiot's downfall, five nights in a row.

Monday

Zack cackled, ahem, warked happily when he saw his master chase the jackass out of their apartment with a broom. He warked even more happily when Cloud scooped him from the ground for a nice, sweet cuddle and gave him a belly rub. Zack always loved the belly rubs, especially when Cloud would coo softly to him and talk about their future together. He suppressed his evil laughter when he heard Cloud yell at Leon for mistreating his little pet, and the poor sod was banging desperately on their apartment door and begging to be let inside again. Aw, Zack felt so loved.

Tuesday

Zack preened his feathers smugly, completely ignoring the brunet who was currently pushing plates and plates of his favourite greens towards him. He vaguely heard the human pleading for his forgiveness and put a good wark in for him so he could get Cloud's favour again. Zack turned away to give that human a good view of his sexy butt, still preening his slick black feathers. When his stomach growled, Zack gave the greens a tentative bite, to which he thought he heard the human cheer, and he quickly spat the food out. Yuck. Uh uh, no way in hell was he going to let that /human/ rejoice. Hey, was that water leaking out from the human's eyes?

Wednesday

Woah, what did the human take him for? A sluttish, promiscuous chocobo with the sex drive of a rabbit? Why had the dumb human shoved like, twenty female chocobos before him? And was he, Zack, so easily swayed by females to betray his own beloved master? No way!

Then again, when his beady chocobo eyes finally couldn't resist and took a quick glance at the horde of females, he started to rethink his position a little. Just a little. That golden chocobo really didn't look half bad, and if Zack wasn't mistaken, that female had a twin! Cool, they could have a threesome! No wait, if this was his personal harem, he was going to have more than a threesome! Woo-hoo!

But before Zack could act on his erm, breeding instincts, Aeris stomped out from nowhere, chased all the females away with a sweeping tornado kick and glared at him. Sheepishly, Zack pointed his wing at her master, and Aeris turned her glare to the human. The human yelped and quickly ran off, with the normally mild-mannered pink chocobo warking like a crazed lover after him. Hell hath no fury like a female chocobo scorned.

Thursday

Man, did Zack love the awesome milk that Roxas kid had brought along that day! When Zack finished lapping up his bowl, he looked up for the carton, hoping for a refill. Unfortunately, he only found an empty carton tossed carelessly beside him, and his feathers drooped like a child who found no presents under his Christmas tree. Noticing the human kneeling nearby like a servant, Zack warked angrily at the bumbling idiot and he quickly ran off to the supermarket to get him a fresh carton. Hooray for the awesome milk!

Friday

Zack blinked blearily, eyes hazy from sleep. He yawned loudly, instinctively bringing a wing up to cover his beak. Cloud always covered his mouth whenever he yawned like this; he said it was good manners, and Zack took that to mean that good, sweet chocobos would cover their beaks when they yawned too. Yes, he was Cloud's sweet, well-mannered little pet.

And then he saw it: instead of a wing over his beak, there was a hand over his mouth! Zack warked in alarm, only to hear a surprised yell like that of a human's!

He cupped his cheeks, amazed to feel the softness of his human skin underneath his human hands. Running a hand through his crown, he grinned at the thick and slick hair, which he knew were spiked up just like Cloud's. Zack had never felt so proud of his spiky hair.

And speaking of Cloud, just where was his master? Zack couldn't wait to show his human form to him! Surely, Cloud would tell him he looked absolutely stunning, whether he was a chocobo or a human! He giggled in glee at the thought of Cloud praising his attractiveness and falling once more for his unique charms. Hey, it wasn't everyday a chocobo transformed into a human! He was special, okay? No, scratch that; Zack was very, very special, and woe to anyone who didn't feel that way.

Strolling along in the park where Cloud used to always take him out for his daily walks, Zack peered high and low for his missing master. Finally, after a while, he spotted that telltale crown of blond spikes, and Zack mentally cheered at his success. His friends were always amazed at how he could home into his master's exact location like he had some sort of Cloud-radar installed inside his brain. Truth be told, Zack's nose was the thing that kept him from becoming a lost pet; Cloud had a distinctive scent of Zack's favourite greens and vanilla ice cream, and the little chocobo would always be able to smell that aroma a hundred miles away.

He was about to wave and run over when something, a very irksome thing he had never thought he'd see here, caught his eyes and he skidded to a halt. That idiotic, touchy-feely octopus of a human was with Cloud! How dare that blasted human show his face to Cloud here, when Zack was in human form and wanted all of Cloud's attention? Uh uh, Zack wasn't going to allow that human to interfere.

Wishing he still had his claws and powerful beak that had once served as a nutcracker for Cloud, who happened to have the habit of eating cashew nuts while watching television, Zack charged towards the abomination with a battle yell. Strangely enough, a buster sword materialized in his hands the moment he was close enough, and with a mighty swing, he chucked the human away like a golf ball. He could almost hear the congratulatory yells of a 'hole in one', whatever that meant.

Before he could even grin, however, Zack found his arms full of a bundle of blond energy.

"Oh Zack! You saved me from the octopus! I love you!"

"Heh heh… I was just fulfilling my duties as your faithful pet, master! I love you too!"

They probably would have gone on to yell more of those mushy love-dovey stuff about who loved the other more, but unfortunately, that was when Zack the chocobo woke up.

Zack blinked blearily, eyes hazy from sleep. He yawned loudly, instinctively bringing a wing up to cover his beak.

…Damn, it really was a wing over a beak this time. He didn't even get to hear Cloud sing his praises about being an insanely handsome human!

Sulkily, he shifted his body a bit to get more comfortable. It was probably pretty late at night already, judging by how dark it was outside the cage, and Zack needed to catch up on his sleep if he needed to terrorize the human again tomorrow. He had to protect his master's virtue and health!

Wait, rewind that thought! Insert the screech and crackle caused by vinyl-spinning DJs.

Cage? Why was he in a cage? Cloud never locked him up at night unless Zack had misbehaved, which was like, never!

…Oh right. That blasted human had persuaded Cloud into locking him up with Aeris to mate. Right. He settled down to go back to sleep and hopefully dream more.

What the? Reinsert the screech and crackle caused by vinyl-spinning DJs.

Mate? That might explain the warm body cuddling up beside him right now.

Swallowing a gulp, Zack turned to his right, and nearly warked in alarm when he saw a half-asleep Aeris yawning. Her feathers were rumpled and ruffled, and she definitely looked like she'd had a rough night.

When Aeris noticed him through her glazed eyes, she offered a sated and tired grin, nudged him lightly with her head and went back to sleep. Things would have been okay, and Zack would have moved away to the other end of the cage to sleep his nightmare off, but Aeris just had to wark in her sleep.

"Wark wark wark… Wark. Wark. Wark wark. War-war-war wark… zzz…"

For the sake of human readers, Zack will translate that above statement for us. Take the mic, dear. Yes, yes. Uh-huh. Oh, is that what she said? Oh I see… Uh yes. Okay, I got the message.

"Zack honey… let's name our babies Yuffie and Cid after my cousin and uncle. Zzz…"

Erm, human readers, you might want to stuff your ears right now because Zack's going to uh, well… Let's just say he's not taking the news very well. That's pretty understandable, since Zack didn't even know he had mated.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRK!"

Just in case you didn't understand that, that earth-shattering, ground-breaking, ocean-parting wark is a much used swear word for chocobos. The closest equivalent in human language, or English to be more precise, is known as the magical F-word.

What? Why am I using euphemisms? There is a reason why this fic is rated PG-13, okay? And there are baby chocobos (even if they haven't been born yet) around! Shh!

-tbc