I Don't Want To Be

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Note: This is AU. Deb Roe is Lucas' mom. Dan and Karen are married with two children – Nathan and Crystal. There are other things, but I'll just let you read and find those out.

Oh, and I doubt that 'Marie' is really what's used as Haley's middle name, but that's what I'm using.

------- … scene change/break or indicated flashback

Italics … thoughts

Bold … emphasis

I Don't Want To Be: Chapter 5: Always Look Both Ways

I hate the rain.

A young Lucas Scott came to that conclusion as he stood there in the rain. It was wet. It was freezing. It was really dark outside. Why couldn't they have pushed…this back to a sunnier day? He was sure she liked sunny days. She seemed like someone who loved to bask in the sun on the beach or something. Lucas wished they could have played at the beach together. Or just sat around in the sun together.

Anything…as long as it had been together.

But he couldn't do that now. She was gone, dead, and she wasn't coming back. It wasn't fair! She had been so nice. She was supposed to be the exception, the one he would let in, the one who wouldn't hurt him.

I suppose that's what I get then. He had been stupid to think that he could get close to someone and not have something bad happen. It was usually moving, and this time he would have actually preferred it that way. He'd rather have lost her to moving than to…this.

What was 'this'? 'This' was getting hit by a car, a really big car – a black SUV to be specific. Lucas probably could have given you the make, model, and year, but now was not the time. Not now...

The driver? It was some guy, he hadn't paid any attention. All his blue eyes could take in was the limp form of his new friend sprawled out on the pavement. Lucas' eyes squeezed shut as he remembered the thoughts that had flowed through his mind. He remembered what little he had managed to get out as the ambulance pulled up and someone started to pull him away.

"I-is she…?" Disbelief.

She wasn't really dead…right? He had wanted to believe that so badly.

"H-her arm a-and her legs…they, they aren't supposed to bend that way." Shock.

This couldn't be right. He was just seeing things, that's all. Tears could blur your vision that way. O-or maybe that cafeteria food was doing something to him now. He had needed to believe that she was okay. He had been hoping that she would, somehow, be okay.

"Why isn't she moving? No, let go! Why isn't she moving?" Hysterics. He remembered a man trying to pull him away. He remembered a woman trying to calm him. They were both medics. At the time, he hadn't even thought to wonder who had called for an ambulance.

This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening!

"Haley?" Denial.

No, she couldn't be… She was just in sixth grade – they were just kids! Presently, Lucas supposed it didn't matter.

"H-Hales…?" Realization.

She was really dead wasn't she? He had felt like she had taken him with her.

"Haley!" Loss..

She was really dead… God how admitting to that had hurt.. He remembered sinking into the arms of the female medic, staring at Haley's still body with wide eyes. Then everything went black.

And then came the accusations. Emotions were running high and adults yelled a lot when they were angry. It had hurt, but Lucas knew they were right. He could have saved her. He could pushed her out of the way, even if he would have gotten hit himself. Or he could have dove in and gotten them both out of the way if he had tackled her hard enough.

He could have done something, anything, anything but stand there looking stupid. He should have done more than call out her name, distracting her, keeping her from diving out of the way in time.

It was his fault, clearly. He was the reason Haley was being buried right now. His cowardice had cost Haley her life. He was a murderer, just like her mom had screamed out.

He, Lucas Eugene Scott, had killed Haley Marie James. A numb sort of feeling settled over Lucas as his mom tried to guide him away from the gravesite. The devastated blond had stood there for what seemed like forever, even after the James clan had left.

"Come on sweetie," she had told him. "You'll catch your d—" She had paused then. "You'll catch a cold baby."

He didn't care if he caught some stupid cold. What was a cold compared to death? Haley's skin had been cold when he had touched it... Haley was dead. His first, and by his intentions, only friend in this stupid little town was dead.

And it was all his fault.

His mother was startled, no doubt, as he sank to his knees in front of Haley's grave, crying loudly. Lucas hadn't moved, spoken, or shed a single tear throughout the service, but now he was letting it all out. He cried out for her, as if it would bring her back. As if she would hear him and come back. As if it would make this all go away.

"HALEY!"

Surprisingly, it did all go away.

What's wrong with you? a voice screamed in his mind. Save her!

Haley had the distinct feeling that something wasn't right. That something happened to be the huge black SUV headed straight for her. Was someone screaming? Oh right, she was screaming. A voice was screaming for her to move, or was that a voice in her head? No wait, where was Lucas?

She whirled around, brown eyes wide. It really was a big SUV. Why wasn't she moving out of the way? The girl felt frozen as the car came rushing closer. Didn't they see her?

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Guess not.

"HALEY!"

Haley felt a body crash into hers roughly, taking her down to the asphalt and concrete. It hurt, but at least she hadn't been hit by anything. Moments later, the little brunette felt a hand shake her cautiously. Haley wondered when she had screwed her eyes shut. Releasing the breath she had been holding since someone tackled her, Haley cracked one eye open.

A tall, dark-haired man was squatting next to her. She shifted back, or tried to anyway. Oh! The person that had tackled – no, saved – her was in the way! There was an arm around her waist, but it wasn't moving. Not even twitching in pain. Wait, she was on this person!

Wincing as she weakly scrambled off of the person, Haley's hand shot to her mouth.

"Oh no - !"

She crawled back over to Lucas as the man called for an ambulance. There wasn't much blood, except for the small bits leaking out of the cuts on his arm – the one that had scraped across the pavement, his legs – which had dragged across the asphalt, and his head – which had hit the concrete curb a little hard. Okay, so maybe the blood flowing from his forehead was a little much...

She reached out a hand, preparing to shake him, but stopped. What if that hurt him?

"Lucas?" she whispered.

The blond, predictably, didn't respond. He didn't respond when the paramedics came.

He didn't respond when they carefully put him on a stretcher, and then on a gurney.

He didn't respond when she told him that they, the medical staff, had called their parent(s).

He didn't respond when the doctor started to work on his injuries.

He did, however, respond when Haley started crying at his bedside after they patched him up. Face buried in her folded arms, Haley jumped as a hand brushed her head. Bleary, reddened brown eyes were overjoyed to see Luke's baby blues.

"Lucas!" She impulsively hugged him, but let go as if burned when he hissed in pain. She bit her lip as he breathed slowly, eyes closed. "Lucas?"

"H-Haley?"

She beamed at him, but that was before she noted his confused look. "What's wrong?" Aside from you being in the hospital...?

"What happened?"

"Lucas!"

Deb rushed into the room, sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the hospital bed. She'd never been so scared in all her life when she heard that her baby was in the hospital. Deb hoped she never got a phone call like that again. "Oh my poor baby, are you feeling okay now?" It sounded like such a stupid question, but it was all she could think of.

He gave her a weak little nod and she wasn't really buying it, but Deb smiled anyway. She had to keep his spirits up. Everyone looked up as the doctor came in. "Ms. Roe?"

Deb nodded, but didn't stand. The blonde woman just held her son's hand; Haley was holding the other one. "Yes?"

"I'm Doctor Jameson. Your son got away with some minor injuries; he's very lucky." He gave Lucas a kind smile. "And very brave."

Deb frowned in confusion. She hadn't waited on any details; having hung up as soon as she was told where he son was. "What do you mean?"

Dr. Jameson turned to her, frowning in equal confusion. "You weren't told? Your son saved young Miss James here from getting hit by a car."

Deb stared at Dr. Jameson for a while before shifting her gaze to Haley. "Is this…true?"

Haley bowed her head, unable to look at Deb. "Yes ma'am."

"I see…" Deb looked back up at the doctor. "What are these 'minor' injuries?"

Dr. Jameson flipped through some papers. "Well, he has some cuts and bruises –only three stitches were needed for the cut to the lower part of his right temple. The most serious injuries he has is a concussion from his landing and some bruised ribs."

Deb gasped. "And those are supposed to be minor!"

The doctor smile weakly at the upset mother. "Yes ma'am, they are. Considering the circumstances, it could have been much worse."

"Worse?"

"He could have gotten himself hit by the car." And then he wouldn't had gotten by with anything at all.

After Haley's parents arrived and took her home – but not before profusely thanking Lucas and apologizing to her – Deb was left alone with Lucas. She wanted to yell at him for being reckless. She wanted to cry. She wanted to ask how he could do this to her. How could he be so careless?

But Deb couldn't bring herself to do it. Her baby looked so helpless and hurt in the too big bed and too big hospital gown. How could she yell at her little angel? Her little hero?

Gently running her fingers through his messy blond locks, Deb hummed a song to Lucas. He drifted off to sleep, soothed by the humming and his mother's gentle touch. As happy as Deb was with Lucas being okay, she couldn't help but think about their ever-present financial problem.

How am I going to pay for this?

See? Haley's still okay. I'm not that mean. Not right now anyway...heh. Who's paying for the bill? Where was Keith? When is Dan and his clan coming in? Meh, I'll tell you later. See you next chapter and review please!