BJ: I'd love to see his reaction, too. Hmmm...that's something to think about when I finally write the ending.
Purple skies: Coming from someone who doesn't usually like parodies, I'd have to say....well, thanks!
wyldheart: It sure is.
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The man in black soon reached a clearing near the top of the mountain, overlooking the sea. If he had taken the time, he might have noticed the tiny black dot--his ship--miles away at the Guilder port. But that didn't concern him at the moment. He was much more worried about the thing waiting for him in the middle of the clearing.
A picnic.
Well, no...not a picnic, exactly. There was a flat, table-like stone on which a tablecloth had been spread. A plate with grapes and cheese sat in the center, between two wooden goblets and a flask. Seated on rocks on the opposite side of the table, facing him, were Curllini and a blindfolded Helganna. A long knife was held against her throat.
The man in black took a deep breath and walked towards them.
"If you want her dead, by all means come closer," said Curllini.
The man in black paused, then started forward again. "Surely we can reach an agreement," he began in his friendliest tone.
"There will be no agreement. You're trying to steal what I've rightfully stolen. I don't respect that kind of behavior," said Curllini.
Walking slower now. "Let me explain..."
"There will be no explanation...and you're killing her!" Helganna suddenly drew a sharp breath, flinching away from the point of the knife.
The man in black retreated quickly. "Let me explain!..." he shouted from some distance away.
"That's more like it," said Curllini with a smug smile. "Not that I want to harm her, you understand, but better her than me. And somehow I think if you ever got the chance--two seconds, and sskkkxxxx, I'm out of the way. Then neither of us would be happy; you would lose your ransom item (here, Helganna scowled)...and I, my life."
The man in black crossed his arms. "So, we are at an impasse?"
"Exactly. I'm no match for you physically, and you can't possibly compete with my amazing brain."
"You're that smart?"
Curllini scoffed. "Ever hear of Plato? Socrates? Aristotle? Idiots...all of 'em. Some people even say I'm psychic."
"You mean, psy-cho..." Helganna muttered under her breath.
The man in black smiled, an idea forming in his mind. "In that case--prove it! I challenge you to a Battle of Wits. Winner take all."
Curllini raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "For the princess?"
Nod.
"To the death?"
Nod.
He grinned wickedly, lowering the knife. "I accept!"
"Wonderful," said the man in black. He joined them at the table, carefully taking a tiny bottle from his pocket as he did so. He opened it and handed it to Curllini. "Smell this, but do not touch."
"I smell nothing," said the genius, returning the bottle.
"What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It also has no taste, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is one of the more dangerous poisons known to man."
"Whooo--real threatening. You haven't impressed me yet."
The man in black motioned to the flask. "Pour," he ordered.
Once the two cups were full, the man in black picked them up and turned around where Curllini could not see what he was doing. He was busy for a long moment with the powder, then he put the goblets back on the table and stuffed the empty iocane bottle into his pocket. "So...where is the poison?" he asked cheerfully. "The Battle of Wits starts now, and does not end until you decide and we both drink. Then we find out who is right...and who is dead," he added.
Curllini chuckled. "It's so simple! All I have to do is deduce from what I know about you. The question is, are you the sort of man to put the poison into his own drink or into his enemy's? ...Now, a great fool would put the poison into his own cup, knowing only another great fool would reach for what he was given. I am clearly not a great fool--so I can't choose the goblet in front of you."
"That's your decision then?"
"Of course not. You would have known I was not a great fool and would not reach for your drink. You would have counted on it--so I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of me."
The man in black made no comment.
"You also know that only one of us will leave this place alive, and therefore it doesn't really matter whether anyone discovers your identity. Yet you continue to wear a mask, like a common criminal. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as I do not trust you. So I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of you. But then again, you may have this foolish idea that wearing a mask intimidates and confuses your enemies, and encourages them to think of you as a fellow criminal. I don't care whether you're a fellow criminal or not, but I am clearly not intimidated and confused--and so I can clearly not choose the one in front of me."
"You have a dizzying intellect," said the man in black.
"Just wait 'till I get going! Ha-ha!" He paused. "...Where was I?"
"Foolish ideas."
"Oh, yeah. As I was saying.....you've beaten my giant, so you must be very strong. Therefore, you might have put the poison into your own goblet, trusting your strength to save you--so I can clearly not choose the one in front of you. But you've also defeated my swordsman, which means you must have studied. And by studying, you would know full well that men are mortal, and you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible--which means I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of me."
"Criminy!...Shut up and pick one, already!" interrupted Helganna. Her outburst was ignored.
"You're stalling," said the man in black. "You're trying to make me give something away. It won't work."
"It has worked. You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!" sneered the genius.
"Then make your choice."
"I will. And I choose..." He froze, and pointed a finger. "What in the world can that be?!?"
"What? Where?" asked the man in black, turning around to look behind him. "I don't see anything."
"Oh. Well, my mistake." Curllini began to snicker.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, nothing!" Curllini grinned, lifting the nearest goblet. "Now let's have something to drink--me from my glass, and you from yours."
They emptied their goblets.
"You guessed wrong," said the man in black.
Curllini laughed gleefully. "You only think I guessed wrong. That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned!!!"
The man in black said nothing, as the genius continued to gloat.
"You fell for the oldest trick in the book! You overconfident ignoramus! You buffoon! You came all this way...just to fail miserably at the end!!! Ah ha ha Ha HA HAAA! HA HA HAA HAAAAAh!..."
He kept on like this until the powder took effect.
The man in black removed Helganna's blindfold and set about untying her hands. "It's about time," she muttered, glancing over at the still form of Curllini lying sprawled across the grass. "So--all this time, your cup was poisoned."
"They were both poisoned. I've been building up an immunity all year."
Something moved in the corner of one eye... "Hey. Wait a minute." ...and she turned back to the body, scrutinizing it suspiciously. "He's still breathing! What kind of screwy poison was that?"
For the first time, the man in black looked sheepish. "Well...technically...it's a very strong sleeping powder. I--er, made up that part about the iocane."
"You lousy faker!"
"Can I help it if I'm not very ferocious? Now come on...we really ought to get going." He grabbed her arm.
"Ohhhhh, no..." she said, yanking her arm away. "After what I've been through today, you're not holding me for ransom that easy."
The man in black sighed in exasperation. "Look, princess...I don't have time to stand around and argue with you all day. You've got two choices: either come with me, or I tie you up again and leave you here to wait for that sleeping powder to wear off."
Pause. Silence.
Then Helganna began to stuff what remained of the grapes and cheese into her pockets.
"Fine. But I'm bringing the food!"
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A/N: Those of you familiar with the original movie or book probably have a couple of questions at this point. Obviously, there is a slight change in the storyline from what you were expecting. Allow me to explain:
1. Yes, Curllini is still alive. I really liked the character of "Vizzini" from the original story, and frankly, was sort of sorry that such a great villain got bumped off so soon. Ergo, Curllini/Vizzini lives to laugh another day.
2. Because it's my parody and I'll change it if I want to. I'll say this much: he may show up again later for something very important and surprising...heh, heh, heh.