Disclaimer: Degrassi isn't mine. Nor is the line in the summary or the italicized lines in here. All from various episodes.
A/N: Ellie's POV. Revampted, reposted! Re Titled as well. Formal title "What About You?"
Summary: I'll wave goodbye, cuz I have to. Craig. Ellie.
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It's been three months and he's still in rehab. I know that's to be expected and everything, but I can't help feel worried anyway.
What about Manny? What about Joey, Angie?
They'll manage, they'll be fine.
What about you?
I'll wave goodbye, cuz I have to.
I did wave goodbye as he drove in the red sports car to fame, money, and coke. I sent him books on Thoreau and talked to him about drowning allegories for his song. I understood most of the references in his words and followed him around like some stray puppy while he was here, unwilling to believe my boyfriend when he tried to show me the truth. I called him jealous for it. And he said he wasn't jealous of some singer/songwriter wannabe that I was still crushing on. I told him that that was wrong on so many levels, even though it wasn't. Jesse spoke the truth, I just wouldn't see it.
What made me believe Manny when she gave me my "present" of breaking up with him? What made me finally stand up to him for those 30 seconds of yelling, and then give in when he pleaded for me to -not be mad at him.-
I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never change because of some guy. That I'd always hold on to my dignity and I'd always stand up for myself. Part of that attitude came with seeing my mother grovel for my father all those years. She was weak, and I promised myself I'd never do that.
But I did. I let my feelings for him control me. I believed him when I knew he was on the coke when he kissed me. I believed him when he told me he loved me, even though I knew it was a drugged statement.
So don't make me stop.
Part of me didn't want to make him stop. It was the same part of me that wanted to go into the bathroom and start cutting myself when I got home from the airport. The same part of me that stayed in the back of my mind and told me that I wasn't worth it or good enough. The part that told me I had to cut. That told me I was weak and needed to cut.
But I pushed it away just like I pushed him away. That part liked to play with me, just like he had played with me to get exactly what he wanted: coke.
I sent him to Joey because I knew he was the only one that could help him now. I had helped him as far as I could. I kept an eye on him just like Ash wanted me to.
We hung out, we had inside jokes, and he could feel normal around me. I accepted him in group and he began to feel not so crazy anymore around everyone else.
I threw him a surprise birthday party and he threw his arms around me even though I knew he hated surprises. I told him the truth when Ash wouldn't and even though he was mad at me, he let it go easier than I think he would have forgiven other people.
He let me into his band and would teach me the art of funk drumming. And we were able to pop a DVD in afterwards and call it a night.
We got over the wedding fiasco a lot easier than I thought it would be and were back to best friends. We'd "study" for history finals and have tickle fights. He'd ignore Manny's phone calls even when he knew he shouldn't because it made not only her, but even observers such as Joey, wonder.
He had faith in me when I myself knew that I wasn't a good drummer, but he insisted that I was. He always said we were going to do it together, a Juno, a Grammy. He stood up for me when Leo was an ass and told him that Toronto had a lot of great singers, too.
And he was worried about me when I was the only one who told him to chase his dream. Joey wanted him to go to U of T. Manny wanted him to be there for her during her senior year because she was young, and selfish and hey, she had every right to be.
Craig, go to that club and knock them dead… for all of us.
Me, though, I told him to go. He had signed the papers for U of T because he was all about the band and obviously Leo just wanted him. But he didn't want to do it without the band even though I wasn't great on drums, Marco wasn't much better on bass, and Jimmy wanted to paint. He wanted everyone to be okay. He wanted me to be okay.
And I was. I started university; I got used to college life, the paper, and my gorgeous Editor-In-Chief boyfriend who still wasn't Craig, but hey close enough, right?
But I talked to Craig while he was on the road. I sent him books and we had deep conversations over the summer even though I knew he'd be tired the next morning and so did he.
And he came back and immediately went to my/Marco/Dylan's house. And he played his songs until god knows what hour even though it meant breaking a promise to his girlfriend.
He played the supportive boyfriend and even invited Manny to that dinner because she was his girl even though she wasn't technically part of his "Club" as she referred to it.
And she attacked me about constantly being rejected by guys which was completely uncalled for because she knew how I felt and thought I was a threat, or whatever. And I guess I was.
He ran after her but defended me. (I overheard in the dining room. It's not like his voice doesn't carry, you know.)
And he didn't want me mad at him when I caught him with the drugs. And so I pretended not to be to give him what he wanted. I wanted to help. I wanted it to go back to what it used to be, even though I knew it never could.
Ellie, I love you.
He kissed me and I kissed him back. And it was everything I thought it was going to be, but then it wasn't. Because I truly believed that it was a drugged action, and hey, it was.
I fly too close to the sun. I chase the whale along the run.
But then he played his song and I thought (maybe) everything was going to be okay, if he could just get through the song. But then the blood started coming down and the worst part about it was that he was so used to the bloody nose that he didn't even notice until he could feel the bitter taste in his mouth. The audience was whispering, people were shaking their heads, and even Adam was completely disappointed. Everything he thought he would avoid by doing the coke was happening to him because of it. Irony, much?
And I showed up at the airport even though that little part of me told me not to. I handed him his ticket and he looked at me a bit surprised, a bit relieved. He asked me whether or not I was there to make sure he was going to get on the plane or not, and that much, I couldn't handle. I couldn't handle seeing him leave again, knowing that I sent him off, again.
I walked away crying, but he grabbed my arm and told me to wait.
I meant what I said.
He tried to be truthful with me for the first time since he came back and wipe away my tears like he used to sometimes after I got really emotional in group. But I shook my head and said no, even though every other part of me was telling me to say yes, to give in to him like I did that entire time. But this time I wouldn't. He needed help. I knew it, and so did he.
Goodbye, Craig.
I walked away crying. I drove home, crying. I sat on the living room couch, Marco's arms around me, and cried into his shoulder until I was so exhausted that I couldn't anymore.
I cried for Craig. I cried for me. I cried for what he had told me. I cried because I loved him. I cried because even though I walked away, I knew I'd always be there and wait for him, just like I told him I would. I didn't tell him one lie, ever. Except at the wedding when I told him that dress wasn't for him. But he knew it was, so technically, it was okay.
He's written me letters. Four to be exact. He's only sent one other one out, and that was to Joey. Only after completing 1/3 of the program has he been able to write to anyone. The first letter was to me. I haven't written back, partly because he says I'm not allowed to, partly because I don't know if I can if I was allowed to.
For now I'm just waiting.
Maybe I'll go to Calgary eventually when he's allowed visitors. I know Manny won't go. She's found someone else. I had a chat with her not long after Craig left.
I apologized. I didn't want to. But you know that naggy little voice? Yeah. It wouldn't shut up.
I don't know quite why I apologized.
Maybe it was a bit of courtesy. Maybe it was because in a way, I was responsible for her pain. Not intentionally, of course. It's not like I asked to be in love with Craig. I didn't ask for him to do coke. I did ask for him to love me back.
Now he did. He said he did for a while. I believe him, I do.
I believe him, so I'm waiting.
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Fin. Reviews, yes?