You've Always Deserved My Love

Chapter Fifteen

A single light coming from the temple was the only source of brightness around Makato. She still sat in front of the pond. She still had her knees to her chest and her head resting wearily on them. She was terrified. She was sad. She was desolate, she was alone, she was… she was… she was… she was in love, and she hated it. She hated Mamoru for it; she hated Usagi for it; she hated herself worst of all for allowing herself into the tangled web that deep in her heart she knew one day would come. Usagi couldn't stay away from Mamoru; everyone with logic in their brain knew that!

The idea of strength repulsed her, hurt her, and tore her heart in two. But she told herself that she would come out of this and break away. She would go north again. She would study a few more years at the culinary institute and break herself away from all the pain until she could manage it. That was the right thing to do; the strong, noble thing to do.

To walk away. Because Usagi needed him; Usagi loved him; Usagi was his soul mate.

It just broke her heart into a million shattered little pieces thinking about it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cracking of dead leaves sounded behind her. She muffled a sob and screamed into her knees, telling the girls and Chibiusa to go away and leave her be. The steps kept coming closer though, and she kept yelling. "Go away! You've been here once! I told you no! I won't go! I won't look at Usagi! I won't look at Mamoru!"

"Mako."

A male's voice, an all too familiar male's voice, stopped her crying screams. She tensed, but refused to acknowledge the presence by turning toward it.

A soft, warm body was suddenly sitting beside her on the ground, was suddenly pulling her close and cuddling her. It startled her and she tried to back away, but the arms around her were hard and refused to let her pull away.

"Makato, look at me…"

"No…"

"Why?"

"Because I can't bear it." She sobbed. "I can't bear it."

A sigh vibrated through him; her head was against his chest and she felt it rather than heard it.

It was quiet for some time; it was obvious that he was struggling, wondering how to comfort her. She was struggling herself, toiling inside herself, wondering why, at that particular moment, it helped to just simply be held by him.

"Do you still love her, Mamoru?" She whispered, daring herself enough to peek up at him.

He started to speak, but stopped himself. She watched him. She knew his answer before he finally said it.

"I will always love her, Makato. I can't stop loving her. I…" He choked. "I'm sorry, but I do love her still."

She didn't reply. She simply sat, cuddled in his arms. If she was to give him up soon, she might as well enjoy the last few minutes she might have with him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chibiusa was disturbed. Greatly disturbed. Pacing back and forth about the living room floor of Mamoru's apartment, she was frantically breathing, everything breaking down on top of her at once.

Usagi was sitting in front of her. Her parents were there. The girls were all in tears. Makato was at the temple, and Mamoru was probably there, telling her his decision. It killed her; it simply killed her. She wanted to shout at Usagi; she wanted to yell and scream like a child, and yank the girl's short blonde hair by its root. But at the same time, she wanted to run up and hug her, tell her it was alright for what she did, or what she said she had to do.

She couldn't picture herself in that situation; she had no idea how she would have reacted if she had been placed in the same place as Usagi. Who knows? She might have run herself. She didn't hate Usagi anymore; she simply hated what she had done to Mamo-chan. He was agonized; she could see in his eyes the deep pain reverberating there, and what hurt her most was that she knew there was no perfect ending out of all this for him.

He did love Makato; she knew he did. She had seen it at his birthday party. But she had also seen the love in his eyes when he had looked at Usagi before leaving.

She raked her hands through her pink hair. It was driving her mad, all this waiting. She wanted to know, wanted to have a final answer. She wanted to know if Mamoru was her future father again.

Sure, she was selfish and she wanted that again; it was true that even though they were affectionate still, it was simply not the same as if he was really her future father.

But at the same time, she loved Makato very deeply and was scared to death to see her hurt.

And if she really dug deep into herself, she could admit that she was more scared of reacquainting with Usagi than anything. She was scared to forgive her for all the pain she had caused; yet at the same time she was scared not to forgive her because of all the pain she had endured.

It was one damn huge paradox, irony, and quirk of fate. She nearly laughed at herself for the terms all swimming inside her mind, but she couldn't refuse herself the benefit of knowing that she was right in using them. That was simply what was happening in the world around her.

She stopped pacing and looked at all the people sitting around. Her mother was staring at her; her father was clasped tightly onto her mother's hand (she could tell he was still uneasy about the revelation of his wife's possible flight). Pluto was standing at the far corner of the room, looking out the balcony doors and leaning against her time staff. Ami and Minako were sitting side by side, arms still clasped. Rei was leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, staring into the dead wood lying there. Usagi was staring at her hands.

She started to pace again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mamoru was scared to break the silence between them, but finally, thinking back to Pluto's warning, he pulled away from her and stood up.

"We have to go back now, Mako."

He held his hand out at her, waiting for her to take it. She simply stared at him, her green eyes shining still with tears. "I'd rather just stay here."

He shook his head. "You have to come." He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. Then he started walking, pulling her with him.

She started to refuse, protest, and back away, but the resolve in her crumbled and she just let herself be pulled along.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pluto was standing at the balcony doors for a reason. She gazed out, waiting for a glimpse of Mamoru.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of silence (and Chibiusa pacing), she spotted him walking down the sidewalk with a dismal Makato beside him.

She sprung away from the balcony doors. "He's coming!" She loudly announced.

All eyes turned to her, and Chibiusa stopped pacing.

"Is Mako with him?" Minako asked in a whisper.

"Yes, she is." Pluto answered.

The room was quiet again until the door was opened (Rei had thankfully thought to close it a few minutes after Mamoru left). Mamoru walked in, pulling Makato in behind him, her hand clasped tightly in his. He stood quietly for several moments staring at all the faces around him. Turning to Makato, he nodded toward the couch and bid her to sit down with Ami and Minako. She did, but still his hand did not release hers.

Pluto watched this without interrupting, but when Mamoru didn't speak, she spoke for him. "I assume you've made your decision? Shall we speak in private, Majesty?"

"No, we won't speak in private, Pluto." He mumbled, staring down at the carpet. He finally released Makato's hand and walked to the center of the room, turning around to face everyone. "They all have to hear this. It's their future, too."

His eyes caught Usagi's, holding them in his gaze. "Especially your future… Usako."

Usagi gulped, choking back a sob in her throat.

Mamoru took a deep breath, lowered his eyes, and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He didn't speak for several moments, and every sat quietly, waiting expectantly for him to say something, anything.

"Usako is carrying the child of a man she despises." He finally murmured. "I want more than anything to rid her of the pain she feels… because, as everyone knows…" He looked at Usagi. "I love her."

Usagi's eyes widened.

A sharp gasp filled the room. Almost everyone felt their eyes cutting a glance at Makato, who stared down at her lap as if she had expected it. Then their gazes rested on Usagi, who had taken up biting her nails and staring at Mamoru.

Before the blonde could muster up any courage to say anything, Pluto stood. "So I take that as your decision, Prince?"

Mamoru was quiet for a moment, before he turned his head and looked at Pluto full in the face. "I will always love Usagi. But that is not my decision."

He continued slowly, talking as if he was in a trance. "I know that this will make our time strain unique… I realize that Chibiusa will never be my daughter… but after what happened, after months and months of trying desperately to find some solace in the world, I did. I found it in Makato."

Makato's head snapped up. "What?!"

Mamoru found himself suddenly smiling as he looked at the startled brunette. "I may always love Usagi, Makato. It's in my nature to do so, as it was my entire life's purpose to protect and care for her." He paused. "But I love you. You showed me what it was like to love again, and you're…" Again, he paused. "You're my decision."

Makato looked as if she was about to swoon. Mamoru went up to her and got down on his knees in front of her, taking both of her hands in his. "You think that I don't love you. And you think that I'm going to give you up for my past. You think the past will always haunt me, and you're right, it may. But I still love you, and I always will." He smiled up at her, tears in his eyes. She was blinking, eyes wide, closing and opening rapidly.

"I may always love another, but it's a different kind of love, Mako. It's the love for a first love. The kind of love that will never leave a person. But what I feel for you is true love, and… though I know you may not believe me, that love will fade. Because I love you so much more." He kissed the backs of both of her hands. "I don't deserve your love, but you deserve mine. You've always deserved my love."

The room was deathly silent yet again. Makato simply looked down at Mamoru with bewilderment, amazement, and love passing through her eyes.

Chibiusa went to her parents, sat down between them, and nestled her head against her father's shoulder. She closed her eyes. 'Mamo-chan will always be special to me. But I'll always have Daddy.' She smiled softly and took both her mother's and father's hands in hers.

Pluto watched Usagi's reaction. At first, it seemed she didn't comprehend what was going on, but then she stood silently and walked outside to the balcony, not mentioning a word to anyone.

Mamoru noticed her leave and stood. He patted Makato's hand before turning to Pluto. "Pluto, I hate to ask you to bend Chronos's rules, but I must beg you to change Usagi's past."

Pluto nodded. "I will. The only remedy I see to this is to change the past in order to have the child become Seiya's child. The attack will have never occurred, and Usagi's reasons for leaving would have been what she told you all. She loves Seiya."

Rei frowned. "Can you really bend her own mind that way? Shouldn't that be her choice?"

Ami spoke up. "What if she doesn't want that?"

Minako jumped up as well. "What if we don't want her to leave again?"

Pluto closed her eyes. "I'll speak with Usagi."

Mamoru shook his head and headed toward the balcony. "No, let me talk to her."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a single tear fell from Usagi's eyes. Leaning over the railing of the balcony and staring out at the city of Tokyo, she felt nothing. No pain, just… nothing.

The balcony door slid open and Mamoru was suddenly leaning against the railing with her. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, but said nothing.

He cleared his throat. "I stood out here for hours thinking, Usagi."

"I know. I watched." She whispered.

"After all that happened… I just can't go back. I just can't go back."

"It's alright. You love her." She said. She almost smiled. It was just so completely ironic.

"Are you going to be alright, though?" Suddenly his hand was on her arm. She looked over and down at her arm where he held her. She stared at his hand. Looking up, she saw concern in his blue eyes.

"Well, I suppose I will. I mean, I'll be in love with Seiya, won't I? I don't agree with Pluto changing my past like that, but, whatever, right?"

"Usagi, if you don't want the child to be Demando's, what other choice to you have?"

"I don't love Seiya, though." She closed her eyes. "You don't understand, Mamoru. I left with him because he was the only person who knew, and he was the only one there that night."

"You should have come to me." His voice was soft.

She shook her head. "I was ashamed."

"But not ashamed enough to leave with Seiya and break my heart in the process?"

She cringed. "I'll never be able to make amends for that, Mamoru. I can plead for your forgiveness for all eternity, but my conscious will never be clear."

She turned and faced him. Standing for several minutes, she pursed her lips and thought. He watched her, wondering what it was she wanted to say. Finally, she spoke.

"I don't want Demando's child. I don't want Seiya's child."

He sighed. "Those are your only two options, Usagi. We can't just pluck some hap from the streams of time and stick his kid in you."

She shook her head. "No, those are not my only options. You want Makato and you want to lead your life with her." She pursed her lips. "I know I have no right to ask you this, but…"

"But?"

"I want your child, Mamoru. I want Chibiusa."

He blinked. "That's impossible, Usagi."

"No, it isn't. We can just ask Pluto to impregnate me with Chibiusa. Surely she could sift through the time streams and find the instance where Chibiusa would be conceived and give me that seed."

Mamoru sighed deeply and leaned over the railing. "You have no idea what you're asking of me."

"I do know, Mamoru. But I promise I would leave you and Makato alone. I swear it. I would go to America with the baby and… make a life for myself." She cringed. "Alone, without Seiya."

"Chibiusa would never know me."

"No…"

"I can't have that, Usagi, I can't have that. I love Chibiusa; you know that."

Usagi turned again and leaned over the railing. She found herself turning her head to look at him. "Could you and Makato stand me being in Tokyo with Chibiusa?"

He looked at her. "What?"

She took a deep breath. "You could be in Chibiusa's life. I could stay here. If the girls could somehow forgive me… I could make my life here. I could live with my mother; she needs the diversion of a baby in her life. Chibiusa could make both me and my mother happy."

"Usagi, there's just one big problem here." Mamoru frowned. "I agree, yes, sure, I'll let you have Chibiusa if you stay here so I can be a part of her life as well. But we do have one problem."

"And that is?"

"We never slept together. Not once."

Usagi pursed her lips together. "Surely Pluto could sidestep that."

He looked at her blankly. "You ask her about it."

She nodded. "Alright then."

She walked inside and left Mamoru alone. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Makato suddenly opened the doors and stepped out. She stood beside him, gazing down at him. She wrapped her arms around him. "Usagi wants Chibiusa?"

Mamoru nodded. "She does. But we never slept together… there's no way Pluto can do this."

Makato bit her lip. "I was expecting to lose you today."

"I know you were." He nuzzled his nose against her hair. "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I could bear the thoughts of never seeing Usagi again. I could. But not you." He smiled. "It's an ironic twist, isn't it?"

She nodded against his chest. "It very much is. You and Usagi were supposed to last an eternity."

"Well, I suppose it's obvious that if not for the past, I would have never been with Usagi."

Pluto suddenly stepped out on the balcony. "Majesty, have you agreed to this?"

Mamoru turned, still holding Makato. She pulled back slightly so only his arm draped around her.

"I did… if you can find a way to fix it. As long as she agrees to stay in Tokyo so that I can know Chibiusa, I agree."

Makato blinked. "Usagi's going to stay?"

He nodded. "I have to know my daughter, Mako."

She smiled softly. "I wonder if once we all get past this we will be able to have Usagi in all of our lives again."

Mamoru looked at her and blinked. "You have all forgiven her?"

Makato nodded her head in the direction of the room. Mamoru looked in and saw Usagi sitting on the couch, Rei's arm around her, Minako sitting at her feet, and Ami sitting on the arm of the couch beside the girl. Chibiusa was behind the couch talking animatedly with the blonde.

"I don't believe it."

Makato tilted her head. "Perhaps things will be alright, then."

He smiled slightly. "Perhaps."

Pluto cleared her throat. "Majesty, are you completely sure about this? Chibiusa was not meant to exist but only as the princess."

Mamoru shook his head. "I agree with Usagi. Neither of our lives will be the same without her. Make the child Chibiusa, but change nothing else. Not Usagi's love for Seiya."

Pluto nodded. "Then I see I must return to the time gates. I will return when the changes have been made."

She left the balcony quietly, and Makato looked at Mamoru. She watched him looking out at the city again.

"You really love Chibiusa, don't you?"

He laughed slightly. "She's my daughter."

"You still love Usagi, then."

"I love her for what she was, Makato. Not what she is." He pursed his lips. "I love her for Chibiusa. I love her for our past. I love her as a first love… as I told you before. But I love you as the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with." He smiled. "You are my love."

Makato nodded. She wrapped her arm through his and looked out at the city with him. She was content with that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End Chapter Fifteen