Chapter 23: Watch Me Slip Away.
Hands were shaking. Backs were arched. Black clothing blowing in that cold bitter wind as th at tiny casket lowered into that cold ground. With slow red too fast movements, piles of earth covered its top until it finally disappeared. The white flowers on top of it became brown with the dirt and the image of them slowly disappearing beneath it was stuck in everyone's head.
She stood there. Her eyes were red and swollen and her hands were gripping a worn out tissue with all the strength she had left. She didn't put any time into her looks that day, she didn't take the time to put on her makeup or do her hair. And everyone could see how broken she was by her lack of self assessment. She could feel the people around her slowly leaving, and she watched as the priest let out a final breath and he too walked out of the graveyard. But she knew she wasn't alone. She could feel him next to her, standing so that their arms grazed, but he didn't reach out and touch her.
He was afraid to, he thought she needed her space. But most of all, he was afraid to touch her because he was afraid she'd break in his grip. She hadn't opened her mouth to say more than ten words. She didn't even sob. Her cries were soft and silent, even more heartbreaking for everyone to watch as she sat in that new nursery which her daughter never did get to use, holding dearly onto her blanket.
Lucas walked past her, and softly kissed her forehead before walking away as well. Two or three more people lingered around, and when they passed they gave her sad nods and then went on with their lives. Their worlds hadn't stopped turning. They hadn't forgotten how to breathe or feel or love. They hadn't lost their appetites, or their speech... or their daughter in that case.
"Haley..." Nathan finally tried. She didn't move to look at him. She stared coldly ahead at that now completely covered grave. And she finally realized that it was over. There was no chance that she could come back, there was no chance that t his was a dream. Their daughter's infant body was laying beneath that heavy cold soil, and there was nothing she could do anymore.
"We could have done more..." She whispered. She still didn't look at him, she took a deep breath and watched as a leaf blew over the grave and the wind began to blow harder.
"No... we're not doctors." Nathan whispered back. Still, he didn't reach for her, he was positive it was what she wanted. This was how she was. When tragedy struck, she'd want to be alone. He had it all figured out, and though it wasn't what he wanted, he knew it was what she needed. He was wrong. For the past few days, throughout all the funeral arrangements, he had been so strong, and she had been waiting for him to at least reach out for her, to show he was there. This was what she needed. She didn't want to be alone, she didn't want things to be quiet and enable her to think about everything, her mind spinning quickly as she tried her best to think of other things.
She took one last look at the grave and let out a long, hard, loud sigh. The sigh shook around them and she almost couldn't get her breath back afterwards. "Im ready to go home now." She whispered. Nathan nodded and placed his hand on her lower back to guide her away.
"Is Brooke soon coming home from her trip?" Erica asked as she sat on the couch, eating popcorn. Lucas stared at her, he had been lost in his thoughts about Natalie. About how Haley and Nathan must feel. They had fought so hard to keep their daughter alive, to keep her with them, and while his was safe and healthy, he had given up. It wasn't for long, but he had still given up. He hadn't fought half as hard, but that was over. And he was promising himself he would cherish every single moment with Erica. He would have with Brooke too, if he hadn't gone so far to drive her away, with his son.
"No... I don't think she's going to come home." Lucas sighed. Erica's eyes shot up at him in terror, but before she could speak, the doorbell rang.
"Peyton..." Lucas said after swinging the door open, hoping it would be Brooke.
"Don't act so disappointed." Peyton joked. She was dressed in all dark clothing, which normally wouldn't have been strange for her, except that today was the day where it was almost mandatory, and it seemed... fitting... that she would today. "I know, I'd be disappointed if I showed up on my doorstep too." She smiled again.
"Hey!" Erica squealed from behind Lucas when she saw Peyton. "Daddy, let her in!" She whined. Lucas at first wanted to object, but in order to keep his only daughter happy, he opened the door wider and stepped aside, let Peyton nervously step into the hall.
"Hey..." Peyton smiled down at her. Erica laughed then bounced back into the living room as if she wanted Peyton to follow. But she didn't, not right away.
"Lucas... I need to tell you something." Peyton said nervously. There seemed to be a huge weight in her voice and a sorry guilt lurked around her.
"What's up? You going to tell me you rigged the paternity tests, that Erica still isn't my daughter?" Lucas snapped. He could see that Peyton was trying hard to be positive and easy to get along with here, so he swallowed his pride and listened. "Sorry..." He whispered.
"Don't apologize, I've been a bitch, I get it." Peyton began, then before she could begin what she came to tell him, he snapped again.
"A bitch? That's what you think you were? A little easy on yourself aren't you?" Then once more, as Peyton nodded understandably, he kept quiet.
"Since my father died, I've been walking around here, and I've seen you guys. Your lives have finally fallen into place. You were so happy. I saw you and Brooke... and Erica... at the park, with your son too, and it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that I had to be so miserable, while you guys... were so happy. With MY daughter. I guess I just... I wanted to take that away from you, since it had been taken from me."
"You threw it away, no one took it." Lucas corrected her. Still, he could hear the truth and meaning in her voice, so he once again quieted down to let her finish, she shifted nervously, but spoke again.
"I knew that Erica was you daughter." She spat out. Lucas's eyes opened widely and he examined her for a quick second.
"You didn't cheat on me with Jake?" He questioned.
"No..." She chuckled a little. "I did do that... I love Jake, it doesn't mean it was right but... I love him."
"So how were you sure she wasn't Jake's?"
"I was pregnant before I was with Jake." Lucas stood there for a second, wondering how someone could be so cruel and make others suffer so much.
"Can you leave... please?" Lucas asked quietly. Peyton nodded and then left again. Leaving Lucas standing alone in the hallway.
"Where'd she go?" Erica asked sadly as she appeared in the hall.
"She left." Lucas whispered.
Erica's eyes swelled up with tears and her lip quivered. "Why do all my mommy's always leave me?" She pouted, trying not to cry in front of her father. Lucas just stared at her, not knowing what to say, and never realizing how hard it had been for her, to have people come and go in her life so quickly. "Was I bad?" Shw questioned. But before Lucas could object, she charged up the stairs and disappeared into her room, leaving nothing but the sound of her door slamming, lingering in the air.
Nathan shut the door behind them as they entered the house. He watched her as she weakly took the stairs to go somewhere, somewhere that she was now practically living.
"Don't.. Haley..." Nathan objected. She stopped for a second, her head down and her back to him, but soon she continued on her way, her image fading as she turned the corner at the top.
He just sighed, then loosened his tie and pressed the button on their answering machine.
"Nathan, It's Jack, your lawyer. Sorry I haven't been able to return your calls, the wife and I were in Hawaii on vacation. But, I checked in on this divorce as soon as I got home. And I want you to know that it isn't real. There's no way this is possible. Someone has simply been tampering with your mail, sending out false letters. I even went to confirm it with the judge and social services. Your divorce is not final, it will still take a year, or in this case, since so much time has passed, five more months. Ah, Im sorry for the misunderstanding, and Im sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. But I'd like you to know that we can look into finding out who did this. Call me when you get the chance. By the way, Im terribly sorry for your loss. We'll be in touch."
"We're not divorced?" A small voice came from the doorway. Nathan looked over in surprise to see Haley standing there, arms draped around herself.
He let a small smile dance on his lips and then whispered, "I guess not." Haley smiled brightly and slowly walker over to him. "Im surprised your down here so early." He admitted.
"So am I." She whispered. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he pulled her in closer for a brief second. The hug was short and quick, but tender. "I Love You." She whispered with her back to him. Then once more she disappeared upstairs, to her new bedroom, filled with the sweet, but haunting memories or their daughter.
"I Love You Too." He whispered to the empty space in his arms.
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven