Chapter 24: Just Breathe
The emptiness of their house was deafening. The sadness in his daughter's eyes was breath taking, and the numbness in his body was over taking. He couldn't remember the last time he heard his daughter speak. She sat at her grandmother's café with her, all day long. She would sit on a tall bench, her feet dangling in the air, staring down at the floor. To his surprise, she never asked questions, just sat there sadly, her face emotionless.
He opened the door to his empty home late that night, walking in and staring into the darkness. Shutting the door quietly, he stood in one place, trying to find strength in such weakness. Throughout the house their voices and memories were driving him insane. He could still hear two children laughing, but now not even one child wanted to stick around. He could often hear her humming as she bounced down the stairs, but the humming was beginning to fade with her. There was still the smell of her strawberry shampoo in the bathroom, and her perfume on his old jersey. There was still that batman movie in his son's DVD player and there was still clothes of theirs in the laundry. Laundry he'd never be able to do.
It reminded him of something he had heard Peyton say back in highschool, after her mother died, it was a line from her favorite poem. In the endless perfection of your absence. His family's absence was so choking, it was perfect. The groceries she had picked before she left still sat in the cupboard. No one ate there anymore, it's too empty. Her list of things needed was still on the refrigerator, right next to a picture of him and Erica. He hadn't noticed how empty the picture was without Brooke and Michael, not until they left.
Their old house wasn't like she had remembered it. Before it had been so full of life, even without Lucas. There was always chaos that kept her from thinking of him. But now the deadness of the house was haunting her. She'd tried to get back to her old job, but it wasn't as fulfilling as she remembered. Unlike Erica, Michael always asked questions. He always wanted to know where his father was, when they were going back home, or if Erica could come visit to play with him. He had never needed anyone but his mother before now. But when he played, it was too lonely, when he ate, there were too many empty spaces at the table and when he cried his mother's comforting wasn't enough anymore.
Brooke stared at him, worried about how he'd get along in school. He'd start soon, here in New York. He never seemed to pay attention to anyone or anything anymore, just the things that were obvious to him. She couldn't help but blame herself, because from what she could see, it was her fault. She had dragged him from New York, to Tree Hill. He finally gets on his feet and she pulls him to the ground again, ripping his rug from his feet and bringing him back to New York.
She had come to a realization in the last few weeks. She left because she was hurting, but she hadn't thought about how all of the running was going to affect her son. She hadn't thought once. She ran back when she was pregnant with him, and she was running again. Though these thoughts shouted for her to go back, she didn't want to. Not yet. She needed to know that Lucas wanted this family and she was just too tired of being the first person to take a step.
Nathan came home from another long day. He didn't bother to call out to Haley when he closed the door behind him. Because if he didn't see her laying sadly on the couch, then she was sitting in that rocking chair in the nursery, staring out the window and holding Natalie's teddy bear. He had been trying to be patient, to be understanding, but he was beginning to get angry. Haley sat there all day long as if this only affected her, as if Natalie hadn't been his child, just her's. He was hurting too, but he wasn't allowed to show it, he was too concentrated on holding them together, he had to hold up his own weight, as well as her's. But he was afraid that he was just getting too weak to hold up either.
He looked around the house and threw his coat on the bench. It was dark there but there was something different he couldn't point out. Slowly he walked to the fridge and poured some water for himself. As he walked across the hall, he stared at the stairs going up with Natalie's door on the right. He looked up, and wondered if he had the strength to beg her today. He probably did, but he didn't want to anymore. He was too tired and battered.
She knew he was angry, and she knew he had the right to be. She stood in that room with the door closed, unable to believe she had let herself fall so far. She stared at the walls, wondering if she was ready for this. Even if she wasn't, it was time for her to be. She was too tired of being sad, and she was tired of being lonely. She could see how Nathan was beginning to lose faith. This was hitting her now, all at once it took away her breath. She was hurting Nathan even more than Natalie's death did. And she was tired of being so weak.
She knew it wasn't fair to him. She stared at the walls again, and then pulled the brush down across them, little by little letting go of those bright yellows and pinks, and most of all, letting go of her. She kept telling herself it was okay, as she lived off of each stroke of the brush. She knew it was her turn to be strong, and she knew that he missed her just as much as she missed him. She thought this was crazy, to miss someone so much when they're always just down the hall. She took a deep breath and kept painting, only now realizing that she hadn't heard him come in. She wasn't sure if he had been quiet or just late, but she wanted to finish this before he begged her again. She was praying he'd beg her again.
He couldn't take it anymore, whenever he breathed, it hurt. He couldn't breathe without them. Whenever he walked it hurt, he couldn't move without them. Whenever he spoke his words got lost, he was meaningless without them. And every second of his day, he hurt, he couldn't live without them. He ran his fingers across the numbers on the phone just as he had so many times before, but this time he pressed down and listened to the rings. They were long and threatening, and as each one went out, another came. But no voice.
He was sitting on his counter with that picture of him and Erica, wanting to fill that empty space. She said he could have called her, but maybe he had waited to late, because the rings went on and on and no one answered.
"Guess you're not there..." He whispered as he hung up the telephone. He sat there alone and stared at the floor.
"Daddy?" A voice called from the hall. The voice was happy and cheerful and it bounced off the walls like one of his small toys. Lucas jumped from the counter and switched on the hall light as he ran out. Michael was running towards him, laughing and throwing himself into his father's arms. Lucas smelled his hair, the same shampoo as his mother's. The door was still open but Lucas couldn't see anyone there. He could see headlights in the driveway, and knew it was her.
"Is she going to come in?" He asked Michael as he pulled his up into his arms, still hugging him tighter than he ever did before. Michael looked out and then shook his head. "Where is she going to go?"
"A hotel... can I stay with you and Erica... please?" Michael dropped his book bag on the floor and stared at Lucas with hope in his eyes.
"Of course... Erica's sleeping at her grandmother's.. but..."
"My grandmother too!" Michael giggled as he hugged Lucas again. Lucas laughed and hugged him back.
"I'll tell your mother..." He whispered. Michael nodded and Lucas walked out into the dark, bending over to look into Brooke's car window. She had her head on the steering wheel, and he could see her back shaking. He tapped on the window and she stared out at him. "Why don't you come in Brooke..." He smiled sadly. "Im really..."
"Don't say it!" She cut in. "I don't want to hear it. I'm not here for me, I'm here because I know he needed you..." She said as she screwed down the window. "It wasn't fair to him or you. But I can't be with you again, not yet." She whispered. Lucas nodded and stood up as she back out the driveway.
Nathan stood in the bathroom and took of his watch at the sink. There was still something different here. Something he hadn't seen in a long time. But still, he couldn't figure out what it was. She pulled off his shirt and ran the water in the shower, but stopped everything when the smell of paint crossed his nose.
"Haley?" He asked as he rushed into the room. He swung open the door and hit the paint can, spilling paint everywhere. "Shit!" He spat as he rushed over to pick it up and dab the floor with a rag. He looked around at the room, it was almost completely covered with the sweetest shade of dark blue.
"I was hoping you'd come up earlier." She whispered from the corner. Her face had small stains of paint and her clothes was covered. "But I don't blame you for not coming..." She admitted.
He walked around the room and then realized what had been different about the house. All of the baby things, all of the toys that they could never manage to pick up, were gone. And in here, there was no crib, there was no baby clothes or toys, it was a normal room now. The only special meaning that was left, was in the one strip of pink that she was spreading blue over.
"What are you doing?" He breathed. She turned and looked at him, and for the first time in what felt like forever, she smiled.
"I'm trying to move on... I think I'm ready now." She nodded. She dropped the paintbrush and stepped back to stare at the room. She let out a deep refreshing breath. "I put the things in the garage, for the future... you know?" She smiled and walked next to him. He didn't speak, just stared around the room, not sure what he thought.
Okay.. its terrible I know... but its all I could fit in in the time I have! sorry... but review anyways!