iWalking Wounded/i

iChapter Two/i

Jason Morgan stared intently at his visitor, pretending he hadn't heard the last question. He leaned back, one hand running through his hair, as the other tapped the arm of the couch in irritation. "I'm sorry. I think I misunderstood what you just said."

Zander Smith smiled down at his sometimes friend. He shook his head as he walked to the well-stocked bar. He studied the bottles carefully, selecting an amber-colored one, pouring a generous amount into his glass. Taking a sip and letting the warmth spread, he turned to Jason. "You heard me perfectly, Jason. I asked when you were planning on stopping my sister from going through with this ridiculous wedding."

He watched a muscle tick in the other man's cheek and grinned widely. The topic of Brenda always riled Jason up, and most times Zander brought her up to get a rise out of the guy. His grin fell and he reminded himself that this time he was serious. "Jason, I don't trust that guy."

Jason shrugged, his blue eyes cold and indifferent. "Not my problem."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Morgan."

Anger flickered across Jason's face and he fisted his hands, mentally counting to ten. He wasn't going to beat the crap out of Brenda's little brother. He wasn't going to beat the crap out of Brenda's little brother...

Zander smirked at him. "Are you doing that "I'm not going to kill Zander" mantra in your head again?" He raised his hands in a sign of truce. "This isn't a game. I really am worried."

Jason rose from his position, heading to his desk. "Now everyone's worried about Brenda and whatever the hell his name is. Now that the wedding is a few days away, now, people are thinking it seems strange. But when I thought he was a little weird, that he seemed off, well that was just crazy talk from Jason."

Zander set his drink down, quietly taking a seat. He crossed his arms and watched Jason flip angrily through his mail. Jason rarely showed emotion, so when he did it seemed best to let him get it out. The guy usually, and annoyingly enough, was right more times then he was wrong. "I never once said it was "crazy talk," Jase." He flinched slightly at the glare he received. "Well, I didn't."

"Oh no. You just implied that the reason iGabriel/i annoyed me was because I was jealous."

"You are jealous."

Jason slammed his hand on the desk in a rare display of anger. "I am not, damn it! How many times do I have to say it?"

Zander shrugged. "You know that old saying. Thou protest too much..."

Jason glanced at the ceiling. "This is useless." He looked back toward Zander. "I'm not going to argue this point with you. I've told you more than once that your sister and I are, and I use this phrase in the loosest terms possible, friends." He narrowed his eyes at Zander. "And not in the way you and my ex-wife are friends."

Zander stiffened at the dig. His relationship with Courtney was his business. He hated to share it with others, never spoke about it to anyone, and he certainly wasn't going to start with Jason. He let the comment pass, remembering something Jason had said. "What did you mean by everybody?"

Jason smiled in triumph knowing his little observation had hit a nerve. "Sonny and I had the same conversation two days ago."

Zander leaned forward. "Really?"

Jason nodded. "I don't know why the hell he was asking me. He's the one that has a thing, whatever the hell it is, going with Brenda." He pushed away the blaze of jealousy saying those words caused in him. Sonny and Brenda's relationship was none of his business.

Zander stared at him, bemused. "You are really thick, you know that."

Jason ignored the comment and returned to his desk, leaving Zander alone with his thoughts for a moment.

Zander glanced around the room, seeing evidence of his sister everywhere he looked. Her red silk shawl draped across the back of the couch. A pair of shoes thrown on the floor. Pictures of her friends on every mantel that had space. His sister. It was still difficult to comprehend that he was a Barrett. The bastard Barrett, of course, but a Barrett nonetheless.

But the news had explained Cameron's utter lack of regret at having caused his youngest "son" pain. Explained why he had let Zander believe he had been responsible for Pete's death. It was the reason he had always felt like an outsider in his family. Why he had seemed so different, so unwanted.

He rolled his eyes, remembering Cameron's claim that it had never made a difference to him and his "mother" where he had come from. That was a complete crock.

Not that being a Barrett was any picnic. His father was a domineering asshole with a God complex, and his mother...

Zander shoved thoughts of his crazy mother aside. He stood and headed to the window, letting the sunlight soak into his skin. He heard Jason's footsteps heading into the kitchen, slightly relieved to be alone.

The only good thing that had come from learning the truth was Julia and Brenda. And Courtney.

When everything had come out, he'd lost it completely. The news had come on top of having lost Emily and not long after Carly. His whole life was collapsing around him and he had needed something, someone. And so had Courtney.

Carly's death and the subsequent loss of her marriage to Jason had left Courtney as lost and vulnerable as he had been. They'd found each other one night at Jake's, both intent on drowning their pain in booze and warm bodies. He couldn't clearly remember that night. Just flashes of warm skin, hot kisses, and desperation. The morning after had not been pretty. A lot of yelling and accusations. Tears and pain followed, and they'd ended up holding onto each other for dear life.

He chuckled, not quite understanding how he and Courtney had reached the status of friends from there. He only knew that she was the first person he thought of when he woke up, the only thing he'd missed when he was away on assignment, and that scared him.

The door to the penthouse opened with a flourish only Brenda could create and he turned to greet her, putting all thoughts of Courtney out of his mind. He smiled as she struggled with some bags, making more noise than was necessary. He knew that she was trying to get Jason's attention. He shook his head. He couldn't understand how two people could be so clueless.

"Need help there, sis?"

Brenda gasped, glancing at her brother quickly. "Hey there, you. Yeah. I guess I do." She darted a hopeful glance to the stairs as she let Zander help her. "I didn't know anyone was here."

Zander snorted. "Right." He carried the bags to the couch, then stopped suddenly, checking his watch. "Shouldn't you be at the church? Isn't the dress rehearsal tonight?"

Brenda made a face and rushed to the stairs. "I'm late, I know." She stopped at the top. "You are going, aren't' you?"

Zander sighed and began shaking his head. "Brenda, you know how I feel about this wedding. I don't think it would-" He made the mistake of looking at her eyes as he spoke. He ran a hand through his hair. "I'll be there."

Brenda ran down and hugged him tightly. "Thank you, little brother."

"Uh huh." He watched her climb the stairs and craned his neck, making sure she was out of sight before calling out. "You can come out now Morgan."

Jason strolled calmly from behind the corner he'd been listening from, making no attempt to play off that he was eavesdropping. He raised an eyebrow at Zander's smirk. "What?"

"Coward." Zander glanced at his watch once more. "I better go if I'm going to make it. Tell her I left."

Jason shook his head. "No way. I'm right behind you. She'll figure it out herself."

Zander turned in the doorway. "You can't avoid her forever. You're going to have to face her eventually."

Jason stared at him. "No I won't."

Zander sighed. "Jason, just tell her. Don't let her make this mistake."

"She doesn't want me to stop her, Zander. She's waiting for Sonny. She's always waiting for Sonny."

Jason brushed past him, leaving Zander staring into the empty penthouse. He closed the door quietly, staring after Jason.

"You're so wrong man. So totally wrong."

Brenda Barrett soon-to-be Black stared at her reflection in the mirror, admiring the hunter green skirt and cream blouse she wore from different angles. She could make out muffled voices from below and stopped, recognizing the rumble tone that was Jason.

She wiped her sweaty palms on her skirt, ignoring the pang in her heart when she thought of Jason. She knew it was a lost cause to think he would -

No. She wasn't going to think about Jason. She was about to go to her wedding rehearsal to a great man who loved her. So what if Sonny had been right? So what if she didn't love him? She shook her head recalling her earlier conversation with her worried friend.

i"Why are we talking about this, Sonny?" Brenda whirled around to meet the mobster head on. She knew others where watching and were more than likely getting the wrong impression as always. They saw a simple argument and began to think that Sonny and she were having a lovers spat. It didn't matter that she was about to get married. Or that Sonny's heart had long been dead and buried. They saw what they wanted.

That's how she had ended up in this situation to begin with.

Sonny glanced to the side, seeing that they had gathered a crowd. He sighed, grabbing her arm and steering her into an empty room. He hated hospitals. He had made the exception to come here to see her. To stop her from making a mistake. From breaking her heart and his best friend's.

Brenda let him guide her through the door and sat on the one empty chair in the room. "Sonny, it's too late. I'm marrying Gabriel."

Sonny shook his head, his dead tone making her want to cry. "You can't do this. You don't love him. You love-"

Brenda held her hand up. "Stop. It doesn't matter, Sonny. He doesn't love me back." She shook her head cutting off his argument. "He doesn't. He's convinced that I want you. That we have something going on. He thinks this marriage to Gabriel is a ploy to get you back."

Sonny shook his head. "No. He knows better, Brenda. He's using me as an excuse because he's afraid."

"Of what?"

"Feeling the way he does."

"Is that the same reason he's screwing the princess?" Sonny didn't respond and Brenda shrugged. "Like I said, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm marrying Gabriel."

Sonny rubbed at his forehead as Brenda watched him. He couldn't really muster up any frustration. His eyes were flat and dull. Hers burned with unshed tears. Sonny was dead inside. She knew that but it still hurt to see. The fact that he had come to see her meant he felt very strongly about this.

Sonny nodded. "Okay. You marry Gabriel if that makes you happy."

She watched him go and asked as his hand pulled the door partially open, "Why do care so much?"

His head hung down for what seemed hours, and when he spoke she heard pain in his voice. "Because she loved him and only wanted his happiness. It made her happy to see him happy."

Brenda felt the tears gather again and she sniffed. "You still miss her, don't you." He never spoke of Carly. Ever. Not to Jason, or Courtney, and certainly not to her.

She watched as he shuddered in a long breath, his voice hitching slightly. "She would have rooted for you."

Brenda snerked. "She hated me."

Sonny looked at her then. "Yeah she did. But she would have rooted for you when it came to him." He turned, pulling the door open, then stopped. "I'll miss her always."

Brenda frowned, feeling that secret part of her heart that still loved him close. He had never loved her this way. Not like that.

"She was a lucky woman." He nodded and she wiped at her eyes. "And you were a lucky man."

Sonny nodded. "Yes. Yes, I was." He walked through the door, closing it behind him, leaving Brenda standing in the dark./i

Brenda snapped out of her trance, checking her watch and gasping. "Damn it." She shoved all thoughts of Jason out of her head. She had a wedding rehearsal to go to. She looked at her reflection once more.

"You're doing the right thing, Brenda." It didn't matter that her heart yearned for something more. For what Sonny had found with Carly. Her fate was different. Love didn't work for her. It only destroyed her, and she was damned if she'd chase it down again only to have it slip out of her grasp.

She was making the right decision. Reassuring herself that she looked decent, she headed out the door, pausing at Jason's door briefly. Her hand brushed against the varnished wood and she blinked back tears. She straightened her shoulders and strengthened her resolve. She was going to marry Gabriel Black and forget Jason Morgan completely.

"Where could she be?"

"She's an hour late..."

"He looks really nervous."

"Wouldn't you? I mean, the bride is late for the rehearsal?"

Sonny ignored the conversations around him, preferring to stare straight ahead at the back of the church. He followed the groom's progress as he paced back and forth near the entrance. Brenda would show up, unfortunately. He still wasn't sure how the kids had talked him into agreeing to be best man at this wedding. He would much rather be at home looking over some numbers from the warehouse or just sitting by the fire. He liked the quiet and nothingness of not thinking. Not wanting. Not caring.

It allowed him to survive.

But he had made a promise. Well, more like been suckered into making a promise. His kids knew him way too well. He glanced at them sitting together in the front pew and smiled slightly. Cate was shaking her head at Michael who kept pointing at the altar. He knew Michael was trying to convince her to go stand next to Courtney, but she had refused to do her flower girl duty until Brenda showed up.

And no amount of pleading, bribing, or threatening by them had made her change her mind. She wanted to be perfect for the first wedding she'd ever been to. Even if it was just the rehearsal.

She reminded him of Carly a little more every day.

His heart lurched and that familiar emptiness inside him began to spread. It felt like the walls were closing in and he couldn't breathe, think, feel. He closed his eyes, her image flashing into his mind, and he shuddered, forcing his mind elsewhere.

Courtney stood five feet from her brother, watching as his face changed, a look of pain hardening his features. She knew he was thinking of Carly. He only looked that way when he thought of her. She flicked a glance toward her niece and nephew and caught Michael's eye.

He had noticed Sonny's reaction too and was keeping a close watch on his father.

There was not a thing they could do to help. Sonny always pulled himself out of the thoughts and memories. Never really letting his mind or heart get too deep into the past. Or the present.

She glanced at the kids once more. Except for Cate and Michael, Sonny had closed his heart off completely.

Sonny breathed in deeply, inhaling the smell of incense and candles, letting the hush of the church flow over and around him. He could do this. He had to do this. He'd avoided public celebrations of any kind for five years. He hadn't even gone to the last 4 Nurses Balls, no matter how much Cate and Michael had asked him to join them.

But one sentence from his much too perceptive daughter and he'd found himself getting fitted for a new tuxedo.

i"But Daddy I..."

Sonny shook his head, a look of amused annoyance flashing across his face. "I said no Catherine."

"This isn't fair!" Cate stamped her foot in frustration. Her Daddy needed to go to this wedding. It was the first time she was going to appear in something, and it had taken everything she had to get him to say yes to letting her be a flower girl in Brenda's wedding. She glanced at Michael from across the room and frowned when he shook his head, turning back to his book. He wasn't going to help her. He knew better than to push their father and had told her so.

He'd said she should feel lucky he was letting her go and not to ask for more. But he had to go. She didn't know why, but she just bknew/b that her Dad being at the wedding was important, and she knew that unless he bhad/b to be there, he wouldn't attend.

"Please, Daddy. Momma loved weddings, remember? She'd want you to go. "/i

Cate was too smart. Just like her mother. He'd caved almost immediately, taking note of the angry flash in Michael's eyes at the mention of Carly. It hurt to think that Michael still blamed her for leaving them. Her death was no one's fault but his. Sonny shuddered in a breath, his chest constricting as it always did when he thought of Carly.

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes, turning his head to meet his sister's concerned gaze. She smiled warmly and patted his arm softly. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good."

She nodded once, pausing to study his face before returning to her position on the altar. The doors to the church burst open and an embarrassed Brenda waved to the crowd. "I'm so sorry I'm late. Just a couple more minutes while I beg my fiancé's forgiveness and we'll get this going."

Sonny shook his head and watched as the bride and groom argued in the far corner. This wedding was a disaster and the biggest mistake Brenda could make. She was going to regret it. He glanced down at his hand, rubbing the faded gold band on his finger.

Finding Carly had taught him that once you had real love in your life…when you touched it, felt it, breathed it…nothing else could compare. Nothing.

Cassie rubbed at her eyes, blinking away their dryness. She surveyed the papers strewn across the bed. Black and white photos, old newspapers, magazine covers. Anything she could get her hands on she'd taken from the Port Charles public library. The rest she'd acquired through skills better not spoken of.

iAnd lots of bullshit./i

She picked up a photo from the top of the nearest pile and smiled softly. There had only been two color photographs she could scrape up. The first was fairly recent, taken that year at the park. The boy was handsome in an almost odd way. The red hair from childhood had darkened to an almost copper color. His blue eyes seemed to pierce into the camera, serious and sad. Her eyes moved to the little girl at his side. Soft brown hair covered her face and her dark eyes shone out at the world. Her smile was radiant, open and joyful. Twin dimples added to her beauty. Cassie found herself smiling back down at her. She was definitely a combination of her parents.

Her eyes focused on the man behind them and her smile fell. She felt a small ache tug at her heart. He was, for lack of a better word, beautiful. And he was smiling. For the camera. Probably mostly for his children. But his eyes. His eyes gave away his pain. His sorrow. His emptiness.

She knew that look. She faced it every day. Had to watch as someone she loved walked through life simply existing. Not living, barely breathing.

She pulled out the other photograph. Taken more than 5 years before. She still couldn't get used to the difference. Not just the change in physical traits, though that was jarring in itself. But what stood out was the glow that radiated from the couple. They'd been caught in a candid moment at some random party.

It seemed as if no one else existed. Their eyes on each other. Her smile teasing and warm. His hand on her cheek. Heads almost touching.

Cassie shoved the photo back under the pile, feeling like an intruder. That moment had been personal, for them alone. It seemed wrong to share in it.

Rolling off the bed with a groan, she went toward the window, opening it and breathing deep. Crisp, clean air cleared her head and she stared intently at the moon, wondering if what she was about to do was the right thing. Hoping to God it was.

Knowing it probably wasn't.

Sonny shrugged out of his suit jacket, hanging it on the back of his desk chair. He paused, listening to make sure all was quiet upstairs.

Cate had fallen asleep in the car and he'd tucked her into bed when they had gotten home. She'd woken up briefly, wanting a promise of waffles for breakfast. She had mumbled a thank you when he'd agreed and gone right back to sleep.

Michael was too old for their nightly ritual and Sonny missed it. He'd almost cried the first time Michael told him he didn't need to be tucked in or read to anymore. Sonny knew it was true, but it was just one more thing that had changed.

One more thing that reminded him of Carly, gone. That had made him still feel close to her, gone.

Graciella had left a fire going for them, and he went to stoke the dying embers. He glanced at the mantel and, replacing the poker on its stand, he picked up the photo he kept out. He sat down, leaning his head on the back of the couch and staring at the framed picture.

She smiled out at him, her eyes full of love and laughter. He remembered taking the picture. She was holding Cate in her lap and had an arm around Michael's shoulder. She said she wanted him to capture how happy she was that day. So when they went through rough times he'd only have to show her the photo and she'd know it was worth it.

bI'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears/b

He closed his eyes, shutting out the memories that tumbled into his head. He knew it was useless to try but he did anyway. When it was light out and the world was awake, it was easy to forget. Not that he ever really did, but he could pretend for a few hours that his world was normal. That his heart still lived and he could breathe.

But when night came, when the world stopped moving and the quiet was deafening, the lies would fall away and he'd be left with nothing. With an emptiness so deep and endless that his only escape were memories.

He allowed dreams he buried away in some dark, secret corner of his soul to overwhelm him. To take away the pain for just a moment. He laid down sideways, closing his eyes. He was so tired. Of fighting off the memories. Of fighting away the wanting.

bAnd if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone/b

The sounds and the smell of the ocean rushed his senses. He could feel warmth penetrating his skin. Breathing deep, he opened his eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this was a dream. That none of it was real.

i"Whatcha doing down here by yourself?"/i

bThese wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase/b

He smiled, her voice echoing in his head, and he remembered. Remembered how good it felt to hear her. To see her face.

He watched orange and red paint the sky over the horizon and felt her sit next to him.

"Just waiting for you."

bWhen you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me/b

i"Been waiting long?"/i

He turned to look at her. It still seemed strange that she looked different in his dreams. Her hair was darker, her eyes a different shade, but she was still his Carly.

He remembered asking her once why she didn't look the same and she'd smiled sadly. "People change" had been her response.

Sonny gazed at her lovingly and nodded, smiling. "But you know what?"

i"What?"/i She grinned at him slyly, knowing the answer.

"You're worth the wait. You always were."

Carly laughed then, her now dark hair blowing in the wind, and she laid her head on his shoulder. i"So were you."/i He watched her glance at him quickly. i"You still are."/i


bYou used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind/b

They sat in silence, letting the ocean soothe them. Sonny played gently with her hands, needing the contact, knowing it would have to sustain him for his waking hours.

"This can't be healthy, you know."

Carly glanced at him strangely. i"What can't?"/i

Sonny tucked her head under his chin, kissing her head softly. "These dreams, I mean. It makes it harder to let go." He saw her look behind her and followed her stare. He caught a glimpse of the beach house that always accompanied his dream.

Carly turned to him and smiled sadly. i"I know."/i

bYour face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me/b

He touched her face softly taking in every detail. "I miss you so much it hurts."

Carly eyes filled with tears and she cupped his face in her hands. i"I'm sorry."/i

He grabbed one hand, kissing the inside of her palm softly. "I've missed you for so long that the pain is familiar. It's part of me. And as much as it hurts, I want to feel it. Because feeling it means that you were real. That our life truly existed." He stroked her hair, holding the back of her head in his hand. "That you weren't some dream I had."

Carly smiled through her tears, leaning forward until their foreheads touched. i"We lived a dream. We had it great and happy for a while, didn't we?"/i

He pulled her closer. "Yes, we did."

He kissed her lips softly, tasting her on his tongue. Her scent surrounding him, soothing away the hurt. She reached for him and he met her mouth with his. It was almost...

Sonny jerked awake, needing a moment to remember where he was. He glanced at the picture he was clutching in his hand. He caressed Carly's face, knowing it had all been a dream.

Knowing it would always just be a dream.

bThese wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase/b

She awoke startled, her hands still outstretched, reaching for him. Needing him.

She took in her surroundings quietly. The beach house was silent. But not for much longer. She glanced at her watch and sighed. Rubbing her face, she willed herself into the present. Into reality.

It had all been a dream.

They always were.

No matter how real they felt and how much she needed, wanted them to be, they were always dreams.

They were a blessing and a curse. She always felt so lost after one. So damn alone.

But it was worth it to have those few moments with him. Even if they weren't real.

She gazed out at the water, watching the waves crash to the shore. They'd sounded so real before, and she wondered not for the first time if her dreams were just that. Or if there was something more.

"You need to get a grip, Carly."


bWhen you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me/b

"Had another dream did you, Cari?"

Carly jumped at the voice behind her and turned, facing one of the few friends she had. "Can you read me that well?"

Sonia shook her head. "Not really. You just tend to talk to yourself afterwards."

Carly sent her a tired smile. "I always talk to myself, you know that."

Sonia cocked her head to the side, looking amused. "That's true. But the only time that you refer to yourself as Carly is after you've had a dream." She smiled when Carly gave her an annoyed glare. "Don't look at me, it was your daughter that first noticed it."

Carly frowned. "Cassie spends too much time worrying about what I'm doing."

Sonia rolled her eyes. "She loves you, Cari. You know that." She stared at her suddenly. "That was the reason I came out here. She emailed and said that everything is working out."

Carly nodded. "I knew it would. Cassie knows how important this is. I can count on her to do what needs to be done. Always."

bI've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along/b

Cassie closed the laptop and rose from her chair. She hated using that stupid thing because it was traceable, but it was too late to call and she had needed to update Cari.

She scooped up the papers, placing them on the desk gently. Tomorrow she would find Uncle Enzo and get this ball rolling.

Some papers had fallen to the floor and she bent to gather them up. Her eye caught the photo she'd been studying earlier. She picked it up, letting the other papers drop back on the floor.

Cassie headed to the window once more, looking at the picture as she did. She knew what she had to do. She clutched it to her chest and stared out over the river.

"It's time to bring you home, Carly. Whatever it takes."

bWhen you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me/b

iLyrics: My Immortal by Evanescence/i