Chapter Four: Heart Held Back
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
And I do not try to change him
So hard not to blame him
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
Beautiful Disaster- Kelly Clarkson
Nearly forgetting her Arithmancy book in her haste to be in Cedric's company, Shandie rushed through the Ravenclaw dormitory and into the corridor which would take her downstairs to the library. Through the halls, she willed her legs not to go sprinting off to their destination in haste. Running after all was forbidden in the halls and her heart beat was quickening enough as it was.
Stepping into the warmly lit study, Shan looked around for any sign of Huffelpuff's seeker. Her gaze snagged on the sixth year boy as he sat slightly slouched in a chair at a table near the back. His brow was furrowed and he was holding a small book, open and about six inches from his face.
"What's that you're reading?" she asked, pulling out a chair and taking a seat beside him. Cedric's eyes flickered up at once to meet her own. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he sat forward in his chair.
"Just some theoretical stuff," he shrugged, not being able to stop her before she snatched the book up and examined the cover.
"What She Really Wants: A Guide to Keeping Your Girlfriend Happy." Shandie quirked an eyebrow at her friend. "Are you serious? She has you reading this crap?"
Cedric grabbed his book back, glaring at Shan for a minute before stuffing it in his bag and pulling out a text book in place of it. Guilt swept over her in waves as his expression gave her an idea of just how upset he was.
"I'm sorry…" she murmured, pulling out her own text book along with some parchment, ink and a quill. A sigh left her mouth and she couldn't help her self from continuing. "I just don't think you should have to work so hard to make her happy. You'd make any sensible girl deliriously happy just by being yourself."
He watched her as she kept her eyes down, dipping her quill and flipping pages absently to avoid his eyes as she spoke.
"Thank you." his voice was soft and Shandie could tell her words had had their desired affect.
"Yah, no problem…"
Cedric stared at her for a few more moments before snapping back to reality. He cleared his throat and opened up his text book to begin.
"So, what are you having trouble with?"
"Cedric? Perhaps we ought to look at my text book? Yours is the sixth year edition."
A mild blush crept to his cheeks, "Right," he chuckled nervously at himself, "I knew that."
"It's no problem," she smirked at him.
"So, what chapter are we looking at?"
"We're on chapter eight, but I think we might need to go back to around chapter five. That's when I started getting off track." she confessed.
"Right," he slid her book closer to him, leaning closer to Shandie herself in the process. He looked up for a moment, startled when he noticed the sudden scent of ginger snaps. Caught off guard and rather invigorated Cedric had trouble shaking off the surprising burst of desire he felt from simply inhaling.
"See these incantations here?" she pointed to a triangle labeled scrupulously with tiny black script all around its perimeter. "It's these formulas that give me trouble. I mean first you have to translate the Latin and then you have to interpret it. It's wretched."
"It's life." he reminded her, "Now, the trick to Latin is a pocket dictionary." Leaning down, he pulled a copy from his satchel and handed it to her. She gave him a skeptical look, taking the dictionary.
"We're wizards Cedric! Is there no simpler way to do this?"
In a series of swift motions, the boy beside her had grabbed his book back, run the tip of his wand over part of the incantation scribbled around the triangle in her text and tapped the cover of his dictionary. Shandie watched him curiously and was pleasantly surprised when the dictionary flipped itself onto its spine, opened and began flipping its pages around all on its own. Within moments it had stopped and was lying open. As she leaned forward she noticed that one of the many words on the page seemed to be almost rippling, like a flag waving lightly in the wind. Shandie very quickly realized that it was one of the words printed around the triangle.
"Is that all?" she asked in wonderment, looking back to Cedric.
"Sort of." he leaned closer to her again and laid a finger on the outline of the triangle, "Don't forget to analyze everything you can though. See the triangle here? That symbolizes luck, so it lets you know that the Arithmancy in this problem is probably going to involve finding the probability of luck somehow."
"Mhm…" she scribbled a note of this off to the side of the page in the margin.
"That's really helpful once you get to the translation because it gives you an idea of where your translation is headed and whether you did it properly or not."
"Right, makes sense." she nodded. "Can you help me with the actual solving part now?"
He returned her sheepish smile, "Yah."
It went like that for about an hour or so. They got off topic occasionally but always found their way back some how or another. Shandie had never dreamed spending so much time on a subject she detested would prove to be such a good time. Eventually, they forgot about Arithmancy all together and were talking and laughing so merrily that Shandie was sure she'd never be welcome back in the library again by Madame Pince.
"I think she hates us." Cedric chuckled lowly as he and Shandie went to put all the books they'd taken from the shelves back in their proper places as the time was nearing curfew. Throwing a glance over her shoulder as they strolled deeper into the tall isles she giggled softly, soon loosing sight of Madame Pince's desk as it disappeared amongst the books and candlelight.
"Probably, but I'm thinking it's worth it." she gave him a flirtatious smirk.
"Why do you say that?" he arched an eyebrow. Shan's eyes met his own and she stared deeply for a few moments as her features softened.
"I really enjoy spending time with you." her confession was honest and her gaze didn't waver as she spoke it. The glow of the candlelight around them was dim and Cedric felt his senses aching with a longing to trace the burning glow that danced on her cheeks with the tips of his fingers. "It kind of scares me."
Those last words catapulted him back to reality. He could only sigh, leaning back against the book case beside them which was mounted along the wall and held no threat of tipping backwards. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at the ground.
"It shouldn't be hard for us to admit that we like spending time together." when he finally spoke his words were low and careful. As he lifted his eyes to meet hers she saw only sadness. Shandie's feelings for the boy in front of her were too difficult to repress and so when her first instinct was to lay a hand on his cheek she didn't hesitate. By the time he could feel the warmth (not to mention the light moisture of sweat) of her palm on his face Shandie wasn't about to make things any more awkward by taking it away quickly.
"But is hard." she murmured. "That's why I'm so scared."
"Why should you be scared?" he protested, wishing deeply that his denial could be a reality and that she'd share the ignorance he wanted immerse himself in. The ignorance of being so close to Shandie, hidden behind piles of books and bathing in candlelight. The ignorance of their world being uncomplicated. The ignorance of being able to break up with Cho and not having to suffer consequences. The ignorance of happily ever after.
"Be honest with yourself. We're not just admitting that we like spending time together. It goes deeper than that."
Cedric couldn't deny this because he immediately wanted to know just how deep it went. He was dying to hear Shandie spill her heart and spell out just the way she felt about him over and over again until she fell asleep in his arms.
"You're not making this easy." he breathed, subconsciously leaning closer to her. His eyes shifted to her mouth a few times and he swallowed. When she didn't respond he began pouring his heart out. "I've never been disloyal and then I met you in the middle of this thing I have with Cho"-
"Last time I checked it wasn't just 'this thing', it was you and her going steady." she reminded him.
"Right, well whatever you call it,…I just feel like I'm, like I'm being unfaithful somehow."
"You should." she told him, but he could tell by her expression that it hurt her to have to say such a thing, "You can't tell me that when we're together your thoughts are completely innocent. Even I won't lie to myself that badly."
"You've thought about me?"
She giggled and took her hand from his face, opting instead to hold his hand in a firm gesture that she was there with and for him. That they were in this together, no matter how badly either of them fucked things up. "That's not the point."
"Yah, but now I really want to know. C'mon Shan, tell me." he was smiling mischievously then and poked her in the side playfully when she refused to divulge such personal territory.
"No," a breathy laugh escaped her throat when he tickled her side a bit, but Cedric gave up before really giving it much of a go. He knew they were already pushing curfew, but if they were found in the back of the library so close together it wouldn't just get them into trouble with Madame Pince but word would be sure to travel through out the whole school by morning. Damn Ravenclaw gossips… "Cedric please, we really ought to be getting back to our dorms."
He followed after her as she started back to their table, "How can you just tell me to go back to my dorm? Do you really expect me to go back to sleep after you've just let on that you fantasize about me."
"Just like a man aren't you!" she rolled her eyes, still smiling as she threw he satchel on once they reached the table they'd been at. It didn't take them long to get there as they'd been near the back to begin with. The pair slipped out into the corridor and Madame Pince gave a gruntled sigh while glaring at the two the entire time.
"Look who decided to come to back!" Miranda Ward shouted from her bed, her thick cockney accent ringing in Shandie's ears as she entered the girls' seventh year Ravenclaw dormitory. Soon, the other girls joined in.
"Where were you?"
"Bit past your bed time, Shan."
"It's a wonder you weren't caught by a prefect."
"Actually, I was with one." Shandie's reply to their teasing was quiet and she avoided their eyes as she threw her satchel down by her bed. The other girls exchanged looks before another girl, Lindsey Applebee, voiced what the others were thinking.
"Who were you with?"
"Percy Weasley no doubt." Miranda teased lowly, yet loud enough for Shan to hear. Miranda could be summed up in one word: Boisterous. She was loud with rosy cheeks, terribly frizzy ginger hair that she always kept back and a few extra pounds around her stomach. There was no denying that she was a nice girl and a good friend, but she could also be a bit obnoxious.
"Oh, ha ha." Shandie smirked wryly as the girls shared a giggle, "For your information I was with Cedric Diggory."
Again, the others all exchanged glances before blurting out their own responses.
"Are you joking?"
"The quidditch captain?"
"The gorgeous quidditch captain?"
"Well, the gorgeous quidditch captain dating Cho Chang, yah." Shandie reminded them all.
"Don't be so sure, she's been down in the common room moping all night about how her boyfriend keeps spacing off when they talk. At least now we know why, eh?" her tone was provocative and it was clear to Shandie that Miranda was very proud of herself for presenting her with the juicy rumor.
The dancer certainly couldn't deny that her interests perked up a bit at this news. "Has she?"
"Interested, are we?" Miranda cocked an eyebrow.
"Well…I mean her and Cedric do always seem to be on thin ice."
"Always? How long have you been seeing him?" Lindsey exclaimed.
"We're not seeing each other, he's helping me with Arithmancy because you all are horrible tutors." she insisted, going over to her drawer and throwing things around to find some pajamas.
"He can be my tutor any day." one of the other girls licked her lips. This threw the others into a fit of giggles.
"Oh, honestly girls. You'd never guess any of you were in their seventh year." Shandie rolled her eyes, still smiling as she shook her head and began changing for bed.
"Keeps us young." Miranda leered.
"Of course Miri dear. Now, if you don't mind I'm very tired. Good night girls."
"I'd be tired too if I'd had the chance to study so late at night with Cedric Diggory."
Even Shandie couldn't help but giggle at Miranda's last words, "Good night girls."
The day after next was Saturday and it found Shandie sitting in the only compartment on the Hogwarts Express that she dared to. Miranda and the other girls were laughing all around her at the red head's stories as they sped back home. Shan remembered hearing that The Express averaged about 105 kilometers per hour. Still, as she sat there, she couldn't help thinking that it wasn't nearly enough. It killed her to have to sit all day despite the jittery way her muscles and bones cried out to flex and bend in her studio.
Restlessness driving her out of her mind, Shandie excused herself from the compartment without a word. She came to a stop at the line outside of the train's bathrooms. Considering she had no where else to go and that breakfast had been a few hours ago Shan stayed in the line, figuring it would at least kill ten minutes. And then the girl in front of her turned around, her dark, sleek hair flipping effortlessly as she did so.
"Oh, hello Shandie." Cho was a very social young lady and knew nearly everyone in her house. Shandie wished she didn't.
"Hello Cho." she forced herself to smile back. "Going back home for Christmas?" she asked a question that she knew was stupid for the sake of expected conversation.
"Mhm," Cho nodded, a sweet smile lighting up her features, "I go home every holiday. I really miss my parents over the school year."
'Little miss perfect is a family girl too. Figures.' Shan kept her thoughts to herself and instead opted for small talk.
"Yah, me too. Do you have any plans for the holiday?" She hated small talk. She despised it. Wished she could set it on fire and watch while it curled up into a dark pile of ashes and blew away into the winter wind.
"Just Christmas." Ravenclaw's seeker laughed softly, "And Cedric's party of course."
That caught Shandie's attention firmly, "Party?"
Cho nodded, "His parents throw a big bash every year on Christmas Eve. Don't feel bad if you didn't get invited, it's really intimate, just family and friends."
The elder of the two girls had to keep herself from reacting much even as she felt like she'd just been sucker-punched. And though she was tempted to say something along the lines of "I've actually grown very close to Cedric over these past few weeks thanks to your negligence as a girlfriend. In fact he prefers spending time with me over you." she was forced to settle with keeping up that personable smile and nodding in faux understanding. She didn't trust her mouth to speak and for that reason kept it shut. Thankfully Cho had been next in line and the girl's loo found itself vacant before much more conversation could be exchanged.
As the countryside passed rapidly on the other side of the windows Shandie crossed her arms over her chest in thought. Why hadn't Cedric told her about the party?
'Well, he obviously doesn't want you there, you dolt.' she reasoned with herself. She wondered how she could have expected him to have asked her to be there in the first place. Cho would be there and it would be insane (not to mention somewhat hurtful) if he'd asked her to be there. After all she didn't fancy a night of watching the two canoodle and dance and laugh while she played the wallflower and stared at them with jealous eyes. 'I'm sure he wants me there…he just can't have me. It makes perfect sense. And anyways my grandparents are coming in. I wouldn't be able to go even if he did invite me.'
Just after lunch the prefects began their usual patrol through the train and Shandie once more grew restless. She half hoped Cedric might stop in and invite her to his party but no such luck came. Evening fell and The Express steamed into London. Bits of flurying snow remained gathered at the windows as it pulled into the station. Hugging her friends good bye and wishing them all happy holidays Shandie left to find her parents.
Her mother was there to greet her with open arms, explaining that her father was picking up his parents from the muggle airport. Shandie's grandparents on her mother's side were waiting near the muggle platforms in King's Cross since they were muggles themselves and couldn't cross the barrier that hid platform 9 ¾ from the rest of the world.
"Have you got all your luggage with you?" her mother asked.
"Yah, we can just go"-
"Shan! Shandie!" Her head turned and her heart leapt as she recognized the voice calling out her name. Cedric had run over to them and was not very successful at hiding a wide smile. Having changed from his robes he was still wearing his school uniform. Shandie had always admired the way he filled out that uniform, though she certainly wasn't going to say so in front of her mother. Over his shoulder Shan noticed Cho, Cho's family and Mr. and Mrs. Diggory all waiting for him. A smug smile spread across the young girls face, knowing they were all wondering why he was talking to her.
"Hello Cedric. Mum, this is Cedric Diggory, he's captain of the Huffelpuff quidditch team. Cedric, this is my mother."
The two shook hands, "Wonderful to meet you Mrs. McAndrews. Your daughter is an exquisite dancer."
"Thank-you." Mrs. McAndrews beamed proudly, laying a hand on Shandie's shoulder, "We're very proud of her."
Shandie smirked at her mother quickly before turning her attention back to Cedric, "Well, have a good holiday with Cho then." she bit off, her smile still intact. She hadn't planned on being so rude, however the sting of what Ravenclaw's seeker had said earlier remained as in tact as Shandie's fake smile.
Cedric's own grin faltered, "Well, I was actually hoping I'd see you too."
"I'm afraid I can't, I have family over." she told him, as disappointed as she was upset.
"Well…maybe if you get the chance, my parents have a party every year on Christmas Eve. It's only for family and friends. I'd really love it if you and your family came."
"That sounds lovely," Mrs. McAndrews smiled appreciatively, "However, I'm afraid Shandie's right. Both my parents and her father's parents stay with us every holiday. And on such short notice I'm afraid we simply can't. Perhaps, next year?"
"Oh, alright then. Can't say I didn't try, eh?" he looked Shandie square in the eyes. She could tell he was hurt and it made her guilty enough to slip her arms around him in a hug good bye.
"I'm sorry." she whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry about it. I'll give you your Christmas present when we get back from holiday." he shrugged.
"You got me something?" she nearly laughed from surprise.
"Cedric! Hurry up lad!" Mr. Diggory called across the platform.
"I'll be right there dad!" Cedric shouted over his shoulder. "Look, I've got to go. Try to write?"
"I will." she nodded before shouting at his retreating form "Merry Christmas golden boy!"
"Merry Christmas Shandie!" he laughed, then turned and ran for the small crowd which awaited him.
A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I meant to on thurs. but I'm running tech for the drama club production at my school (Mystery at Hotel Ormond) and it's been nothing but long nights every night for the past four days. On top of things that was def. not my best work, lol. It was necessary though. I swear the next chapter will be better...and possibly R-rated, ehe. Review! Review!