AUTHOR'S NOTICE:
WELL HELLO THERE, PEOPLE.
This is Katie, and-
WHOA JAYSUS.
I thought I was dead. Wow. That's weird. I feel like I've been dead for a while now.
Since last... July? Huh. Weird.
Who decided to raise me?

Well, whoever it was, they're waking up with something very hairy and spikey in the morning.

HI. I am Katie and I am apparently alive. As is this fic! Oh, just when you thought you got rid of us for good. It's not that easy! (:

For all you rainbow fishies swimming under old LSD sheets, this one is for YOU.
Yeah. That's right. It's back.

THIS CHAPTER IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER 'H'.
It's called Crossdressing.
By both Heather and your hot host, Katie. (:

If you think that we shouldn't die for a long amount of time again, you get a second heart (LIKE DOCTOR WHO!). Courtsey of... well... us (and the Time Lords).

Will Turner was very, very much in love with a man who was very, very much not Elisabeth.

Well, duh, he thought. Elisabeth wasn't a man (though she did cross-dress an awful lot, and gosh, that did explain a lot of things). But anyways, the point was.

Will. In love. Not Elisabeth. What?

And this man, this not-Elisabeth, was Jack Sparrow.

You see, Will and Elisabeth got into a very heated argument about her sneaky little kissing session with Mister Jack Sparrow, which ended in her throwing her ring on the ground.

Ouch.

So, Will turned his attention to more calling things: the sea, piracy, and most of all... Jack.

Sadly, the captain did not return his feelings.

Which was a shame, really. Because Will? Couldn't stop thinking about a certain captain.

And it wasn't fair, really, because Jack just had to go gallivanting around without his shirt on most of the time. There was one time where he even went gallivanting around without his pants on, during which Will had to go lie down for a few minutes to calm himself.

Well, after that episode, poor Will decided to do something about this creeping feeling.

"...Pardon?"

Jack was nearly speechless. He'd just been in his quarters, minding his own business and searching for another bottle of rum, when Will came galloping down the stairs with a most fabulous announcement.

Will was a talkative drunk, really. You know, the one that likes to tell their whole life story within a long, fast slur of random words and then pass out right afterwards?

Well, that's Will. Except Will never passes out. It's more of a girlish faint, really.

"I love you! Well, not really love, more like, hmm, mad passionate lust, the kind where every other thought is 'God, he's got to be a good fuck', but that's okay."

And then Will girlishly fainted.

Jack shifted his weight uncomfortably. "That was rather blunt, lad, don't you think you ought to come to and sober up now?" He prodded Will's body with his foot cautiously.

"I'm talking to a body," Jack realised aloud, and bent down, petting Will fondly on the head before leaning over and stealing all the money from his pockets.

"Never know when you'll get drunk again," Jack muttered, and went to plunder Will's cabin.

Will woke up the next day with the strong urge to slap Jack.

"I was wondering why my pockets felt considerably lighter," Will mused to himself, hoisting himself up off the damp floor. On his way up on deck, he recognized the yells of Jack's deep voice and the chaos that is casting off. He quickly pulled one scurrying crew member aside and asked him what the hell was going on.

"We're headin' to Tortuga, mate," the man said in a rush, practically out of breath (he WAS a great deal overweight). Will raised an eyebrow.

"Why, exactly? Are we recruiting new members? Going to claim revenge on some deserving wretch?" With each suggestion, Will's eyes lit up. Aaah, naïveté.

The man looked at him like he was covered in bees. "No, mate, he just wants to get drunk properly, s'all."

Will blinked. "Oh. Well, okay."

Jack sauntered up to him. "William, my boy!" he said, pulling him aside. "We need to have a good talk."

Will blinked once more. He was doing that a lot lately. "Why?"

Jack shook his head. "See, mate, I don't like men. Not like… that. I'm more of a woman person, you know? Ladies' man. So, you're handsome and all, but, I don't see how it can work out. Kay? Good." Jack slapped his shoulder and walked off, ready to sail off.

Will blinked once more. What was that?

Blue was definitely a good colour on Will.

Will had to keep that in mind later, because he found himself wearing a flowing blue dress, black dress shoes, and fake breasts. And a wig.

Why in the hell he was dressed like a woman, he didn't really know. Some great idea about how, if Jack didn't like men, he should dress like a woman- he was drunk, and it was a good idea at the time. But the point was, he looked pretty damn good as a woman, judging by the way that every guy in Tortuga, drunk or not, stopped, turned, and dropped their jaws at the sight of him.

That, or he was ugly. But he was pretty sure it was because he looked good as a girl.

Which was sort of scary, now that he thought about it.

Will sped up as a couple of men's hands went in search of his ass. He turned around and batted his eyes. Putting on his best falsetto, he said, "Sorry, but that's reserved for a certain Captain Sparrow." He giggled femininely, having no idea what had just come over him.

The two men looked at each other strangely. Almost as if they were jealous. They could've been grossed out... but Will hoped the former for his own sake.

Word spread pretty fast. "The pretty chick is taken, by Jack," the sailors whispered, scowling as Jack Sparrow walked by.

And Jack had absolutely no idea why. These people were his friends, and when Giselle walked up to him, said, "Oh, so you're with HER now?", and then pointed at the single most beautiful woman ever, Jack realised he was more drunk than he thought.

But hey, he apparently was with a beautiful woman.

Jack turned back to her and tried to strangle out (through all of his gaping), "Well, er, I don't exactly remem—"

However, he was cut off by a cold bitchslap to the face.

Giselle stormed off as Jack rubbed his cheek... but he had more pressing matters.

It was time to see who exactly this drop dead gorgeous woman was, and why she wanted in HIS pants.

"Hello," Jack drawled, walking up to her, and the woman giggled daintily.

Hot.

Jack blushed just a bit. "And what might your name be?"

"Wilma," she giggled again.

"Ah," Jack said, staggering a bit. "And... what's this I hear about you wanting me so badly?"

Wilma blushed, saying something along the lines of 'I must make you mine'. Jack wasn't paying very much attention. He was busy trying to get a front row glimpse down her blouse.

"So, uhm, why don't we just head on back to my ship and..."

Wilma giggled again, twirling her hair and nodding. "Sure, that would be-"

"WILL!?" someone screeched, and Elisabeth emerged from the crowd, staring at him. "Are you wearing a DRESS?!"

Of course. The cross-dressing king knew how to spot out Will in a dress. It was like she was a fucking bloodhound or something.

'Wilma' whipped around in shock, choking out a "What?", minus the falsetto. She cleared her voice and tried again. "What?" Her voice tinkled; Jack had no idea how SHE could really be a HE. A HE that worked on his ship. Dear Lord.

Elisabeth tsked and looked him over. "William, you do know you don't have the ass for that gown, really." She folded her arms and looked at him as if they were still a couple and he just got caught eating something he shouldn't.

Jack stared at Wilma- Will- and blinked. Wow, boy looked smokin' in that dress.

Jack Sparrow did not just use the term 'smokin'.

He coughed. "Uh, Will, can I see you back on the ship? Now?" And before Will could answer, he was being dragged off by the wrist by Jack.

"And next time, I would suggest a little less eye make-up!" Elisabeth called after them.

Will stumbled into his too-high heels as Jack literally yanked him on board.

"What the hell are you doing, mate?" He whispered furiously, looking around as if there were ninjas stationed everywhere.

"Well, you said that you wouldn't be with me because I'm a guy," Will said lamely. "So I thought... if I dressed up as a girl..."

"That has to be the stupidest plan ever," Jack said, shaking his head. "Here, is this what you want?" Before Will could question, Jack kissed him lightly.

Will danced inside his skin as Jack pulled away. He stared in shock; Jack, noticing his pretty strange expression, shrugged and just said, "When in Rome, love. Speaking of which..."

At that moment, Jack grabbed Will's 'breast'. When Will looked up him, bewildered, Jack nodded. "For good measure."

After Jack had sauntered off, Will hugged his fake boob tightly.

"I'm never washing you."

The next morning, Will woke up, rubbed his eyes, and walked out on deck.

What he saw... sort of surprised him.

It was Jack, in a dark, purple dress and heels. "You know, Will, gay pirates doesn't really sound as hot as 'lesbian pirates', does it? So, I'm thinking, if we're going to do this..."

Will shook his head and walked away laughing.

Now where did he put that dress?

Note: BWHAHA. Lesbian pirates. My two hearts beat simultaneously for you guys. SEE YOU NEXT TIME!