I Drive Myself Crazy

12:01. That's what the clock says. This has been happening every night for the past few weeks. I wake up at some horrid time in the morning, hours before I should, and I don't know why. Ok just kidding, I know why. It's because I don't have her. She's not here, lying in my arms or vice versa. She's not here to hold me when I have nightmares, I'm not with her when she has a crazy dream she wants to tell me about the second she wakes up. I guess I didn't know what I had.

Now I toss and turn for hours on end trying to get back to sleep, but I can't. My mind is too flooded with thoughts of her. My Spencer, my beautiful blonde haired, ocean blue eyed beauty. So again, I cry. I cry for being so stupid as to let her go, to give up the best thing to have ever happened to me.

I made the biggest mistake ever by letting her go. But, I can't really be held accountable for my actions right? I mean, we all just got shot at, Aiden professed his love for me, Aiden got shot…so it's really not my fault! Ugh…who am I kidding? Of course it's my fault. It always is. However, this time it's also Aiden's and those bastards from Northridge. See, this is why I like girls. Sure they cause drama, but they don't go as far as to get into a gang war. I said it before and I'll say it again, stupid boys and their stupid testosterone.

She always put me and our relationship before everything else, even her family. That core group in her life, she made them second, for me. And what do I do? Put her, our relationship, and everything that I could ever want in second position. I put my friendship, yes friendship, not relationship, friendship with Aiden first. I took her for granted all the time, always thinking that she was going to be there when I needed her. She always gave up everything for me without a second thought. She was there for me through my worst times taking care of me. I did nothing for her, nothing.

Sure sometimes it looked like I did, like running away. I did that for purely selfish reasons though. I wanted her all to myself. I didn't think of the possible danger that could've lurked. Take the diner for instance. Here I am, Ashley Davies; self proclaimed bad ass, Ashley Davies; tough girl that can kick anyone's ass, Ashley Davies; I laugh in the face of danger, and what do I do? I cower, sure I step in front of Spencer because I know I don't want that freak to get his hands on her, but she wasn't the only one on that dirty diner floor. I was right there with her, scared out of my mind. I put her life in danger and I could've gotten her killed. God I'm so stupid.

How many times did she tell me she loved me? Countless. How many times did I tell her? I could count on one hand. She deserves so much better than me…and yet there she was; telling me how much she loved me, making sacrifices left and right, taking crap from everyone including her brother and mom, and putting up with all my drama. Did she ever complain? No, never. She never would because she's that amazing of a person. When she loves someone it's not just certain aspects, it's everything. And she loved me even with all my issues.

12:02.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

All that thought and only a minute passed…this is ridiculous. I can't keep spending the nights like this. Every minute is exactly the same as the one before it; it drags on seeming like hours. I need to call her, explain myself. I need to hear her voice, make her realize how wrong I was. I need her. I need her in my arms, my lips on hers, her body against mine.

"Where's my phone…oh! Here we go…speed dial 1. Now there's a number I haven't hit for a while…she probably won't answer…but hey, even her voicemail is enough for me at this point."

Riiiing…Riiiiing…Riiii…

"mwerfsf Hello?"

Oh shit…

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Uh…"

"Who is this?"

"Spence it's --"

"Ashley? What do you want? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"I know it's late, and I'm sorry for calling but --"

"Ashley it's the middle of the night and we haven't spoken in a month. Why don't you go call your boyfriend and leave me alone?"

"Spencer please, I really need to talk --"

"Well too bad. I don't want to listen. Goodnight."

Click.

Well that went well...not.

I guess it's official, she hates me. Can't say I blame her, because I don't. Hell, I'd hate me too if I was in her position. I'm not giving up though, I won't. I refuse to not have her back in my life, to not hold her like she deserves, to not kiss her, to not treat her like the princess she is. I'm getting her back damn it.

"I'm gonna need help though…but who?"

I could try Clay, but he probably wouldn't do it. Sure he approved of Spencer and me together but, after what I did there's no doubt that he'd bite my head off for hurting her. I sure as hell can't ask Glen because he'd try to beat me up probably. I'd ask Kyla but like she said, Spencer won't talk to anyone but Clay, Glen, and Chelsea.

"CHELSEA! That's it! I'll ask Chelsea!"

Riiiing…Riiiiing…Riiiing…Riiiing…

"Hey it's Chelsea's phone. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you."

"Hey Chels, it's Ashley. Look, I need your help with something…something BIG! Call me back when you get this, no matter what time. Talk to you soon, bye."

I can only hope for the best now…