It was a nice, sunny afternoon, and Logan had decided to spend it taking a nap. Because he was hung-over. It wasn't his fault. All those damn kids hanging around the mansion just drove him to drink. A lot. Unfortunately, his nap was ruined by the arrival of his two favorite people, Cassandra and Samantha. And even more unfortunately, the two women had discovered the remains of Logan's stash of Canadian beer. Which was now gone. All thirteen bottles.
"Hey, Logan!" Cassandra greeted cheerfully.
"Wake up, Logan!" Samantha said.
"Yeah, you silly sleepy head. Wake up!" Cassandra said.
"Uh, you guys." Logan grunted. "This better be pretty freaking important. Is the mansion on fire?"
"No, Logan, we found a map, to Candy Mountain!" Cassandra said.
"Candy Mountain, Logan!" Samantha told him. "We're going on an adventure, Logan!"
"Yeah, we're going on an adveeeentuuuuure!" Cassandra agreed.
"We're going to Candy Mountain!" Samantha announced. "Come with us, Logan!"
Logan stared at them for a moment. "Yeah, Candy Mountain, right. I'm just going to back to sleep now."
"Noooooooooo!" Samantha said, jumping up onto the couch.
Cassandra followed her, bouncing up and down. "Yeah, Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets, and joy, and joy-ness!"
"Stop bouncing on me." Logan muttered.
"Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain!" Samantha said in a sing-song voice.
Logan rolled his eyes. "All right, fine, I'll go with you guys to Candy Mountain."
The three of them walked outside, the girls leading the way.
"La la la la la la la la." The two women sang as they walked into the woods surrounding the mansion.
"Enough with the singing already!" Logan shouted.
"Our first stop is over there, Logan!" Samantha announced.
Logan looked in the directed she pointed and saw a huge, scary looking dinosaur-like thing. "Oh, God, what is that?"
"It's a leopluradon, Logan!" Samantha said.
"A magical leopluradon, Logan!" Cassandra agreed. "It'll show us the way. The way to Candy Mountain!"
"Okay, you guys know that there's no actual Candy Mountain, right?" Logan asked.
"Shun the non-believer!" Samantha said.
"Sssshhhhhhuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn!" Cassandra told him.
The leopluradon opened its mouth, letting out a creepy gurgle.
Cassandra beamed. "It has spoken, Logan!"
"It has told the waaaaaay!" Samantha said.
Logan looked at them in disbelief. "It didn't say anything!"
Cassandra and Samantha ignored him, leading him to a really rickety looking wooden bridge. Reluctantly, he followed them, eyeing the bridge suspiciously.
"It's just over this bridge, Logan!" Samantha told him.
Cassandra grinned. "This magical bridge. Filled with hope and wonder!"
"Is anyone else getting covered with splinters?" Logan asked. "Get off the bridge, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing."
"Loooogan. Loooogaaaaan. Logan. Looooooooooooogaaaaaaaaaan." Cassandra said.
"I'm right here, what do you want?" Logan demanded.
"We're on a bridge, Logan!" Cassandra informed him cheerfully.
They finally got off the bridge, walking over a hill until they came to a huge pile of boxes with candies drawn and pasted on them. Little orphans wearing letter costumes spelled out the words 'Candy Mountain.' Logan had the sneaking suspicion that they were actually midgets, though, since one of them had a definite five o'clock shadow.
"We're here, Logan!" Samantha shouted.
"Well what do you know, there actually is a Candy Mountain." Logan said sarcastically.
"Candy mountain, candy mountain. Fill me with sweet sugary goodness." Samantha sang, climbing up on top of the boxes to dance around.
"Go inside the Candy Mountain cave, Logan!" Cassandra suggested.
"Yeah, the Candy Mountain cave! Magical wonders to behold when you enter!" Samantha said.
Logan stared at them. "Yeah, thanks, but, no. I'm just gonna stay out here."
"But you have to go into the Candy Mountain cave, Logan!" Cassandra protested.
At her words, music started playing from inside the cave. Really, really annoying music. Music that he would probably find himself humming later and then be really pissed off. The little guy dressed as a 'Y' separated himself from the rest of the letters and began to sing, while colored lights shone from the "cave."
"Oh when you're down and looking for some cheering up
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave
When you get inside you'll find yourself in a cheery land
Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land
They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day
It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town
It's a Mecca of love, the candy cave
They've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats
Candy rats chocolate bats, it's a wonder land of sweets
Find the candy train to town and hear the candy band
Candy bells, it's a treat as they march across the land
Cherry ribbons stream across the sky into the ground
Turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing candy tree
In the candy cave imagination runs so free
So, come on, Logan won't you please go into the candy cave."
His song done, the 'Y' went back into his place in the title of the mountain.
Logan rolled his eyes, but figured if he went inside, there'd be nothing in there and he could just go back to his fucking nap. "All right, fine, I'll go inside the fucking cave."
"Yaaaaay!" Cassandra said cheerfully as he walked inside the cave.
"Good-bye, Logan!" Samantha commented.
"Yeah, Logan, good-bye!" Cassandra said.
Logan blinked. "Wait, good-bye? What?"
Doors he hadn't seen when he walked in closed behind him, cutting off all the lights. Logan blinked again, looking around. "What's going on here?"
He heard footsteps coming up behind him, so he whirled around, demanding, "Who is that?"
No answer came, though, and he felt several large, blunt objects whacking him in the head.
Sometime later, Logan woke up to find himself back on his couch, with a serious headache. "What the hell happened?"
He shifted slightly and felt a sudden pain in his side. Upon closer inspection, he realized that there was now and lovely cut in his stomach that had been recently stitched back together.
"Oh, God, they took my fucking kidney!"
Author's Note: Just a brief little intermission to provide some nice amusement. Because, you know, the last chapters have all been seriously emo. And, plus, this is what happens when you guys leave my apartment. No leaving for you! Or at least no leaving me and Paesha with an internet connection and access to Charlie the Unicorn. Wahahahahahahahahahah. Hah.