Chapter 7: Reflections Of Doubt
Hogan spent most of the next day in his room, waiting for an answer to his prayers. He felt the long talk with God lifted some of his burden, but he still didn't have direction. One of the things he knew he had to do was face his men. They deserved an apology and explanation.
Hogan paced around his room trying to figure out what he would say to them. Hogan felt uncomfortable admitting he messed up. Admitting to his men he was wrong was the hardest thing he had ever done.
Every time Hogan went to the door to talk to them, he found himself sitting back down at his desk. He was still too ashamed to face his men. I can't face them. I can't lead men who fear me instead of respect me. As soon as this mission is over…Hogan's thoughts were interrupted by a quiet knock on his door. Hogan knew he couldn't avoid his men forever. No matter what was going on or what he was feeling, there was still a POW camp to run and men to take care of, "Come in."
The door slowly opened and LeBeau poked his head in. "Colonel, I brought you some food since you didn't come out for breakfast or lunch." LeBeau set the food on the desk in front of Hogan.
"Thanks, but I'm not hungry," Hogan said, not looking at LeBeau.
"Please Colonel, you must eat. I have not seen you eat much lately. You need to keep up your strength," LeBeau pleaded.
The aroma from the food filled Hogan's nostrils and caused his mouth to water. The smell of LeBeau's food could cause a person on a hunger strike to give in. Hogan couldn't resist any longer and took a bite. "Merci, Colonel," LeBeau said with a smile. "I will be back later to get your plate."
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After Hogan finished his food, he decided it was time to face the inevitable. When he opened the door to his room, the men grew quiet. Hogan's first thought was to run back in his room and shut the door. He knew, though, running away wasn't going to solve anything or make it any easier later.
Hogan set his plate in the sink. He took a deep breath before facing his men for the first time since last night. "I want to apologize for my actions last night. They are actions I regret you had to witness." Hogan stared at the floor. This was difficult for him, but he felt it is something he had to do. If it were any of his men, he would make them go through with it. Just because he was an officer didn't mean he was above the standards he set for those under his command. "My actions were inexcusable. What is done is done and cannot be undone. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness."
The men looked at each other never expecting to see this side of Hogan. Newkirk stepped forward and said, "Sir, there is nothing to apologize for. Kinch and Christopher explained everything. I am just sorry I couldn't 'ave a go at 'im."
"Oui, Colonel. Once things were explained, we agreed you did what you had to do to stop Wright. If he would have gotten outside, he could have tipped off the guards. The next thing you know this place would be swarming with Boche and we would be shot or hauled to Gestapo headquarters," LeBeau said walking up to Hogan.
"Your actions probably saved our lives as well as the underground's," Kinch said as he stood beside Hogan.
"As a Commanding Officer, I am not supposed to let emotions control my actions. No matter how justified they might have been, it didn't make them right. I hold myself to the same set of rules I have for you." Hogan could feel himself starting to get tired. The lack of sleep and stress of the last few days was taking its toll on him. He had a feeling it was going to be along night. Now was the only time he had to rest. "I should be held accountable for my actions as I would any of you. Especially if those actions put the operation at risk."
"But, Sir, your actions might have saved the operation." Carter defended. "If Wright would have made it outside…"
"What if one of the guards heard the fight? What if that guard, happened to be Wright's contact? What if…" Hogan stopped himself. He didn't want to think about any of his men getting hurt because Wright decided to tell all he knew about the operation to save his own hide.
Kinch put his hand on Hogan's shoulder for strength. "We know the risks, Sir. If the 'what if's' happened, someone would have made sure Wright couldn't talk."
Hogan stared at Kinch. "I don't want any of you doing anything that will earn you a trip to Gestapo HQ," Hogan yelled. He swallowed hard and lowered his head. In a calmer voice he said, "That's my job."
"I didn't say who the someone was," Kinch said with a twinkle in his eyes, trying to defuse Hogan.
"Sir, every time we go on a mission, we do somethin' that could earn us a trip to Gestapo HQ or shot. We understood these risks before we signed on. Nothin' has changed. You can't take on the entire Third Reich by yourself. I heard a man once say 'Freedom is worth fighting and dying for.' If we didn't believe that, we wouldn't be here," Newkirk stated.
Newkirk was right. As much as he wanted to save his men from suffering a terrible fate if caught, he couldn't do this alone. "All right, you guys win."
"Sir, you look tired. Please try to rest before tonight," implored LeBeau.
Before he went into his room to lie down, he wanted to make sure everything was set for tonight. The sooner Wright was out of camp the better. Hogan switched gears to command mode. "Kinch, radio London to confirm the pickup for tonight. Make sure they have a couple of MPs with them.
"Yes, Sir," answered Kinch.
"Thanks for understanding. However, I don't want to see any of you acting like that. I also don't want you to let me off the hook, Heaven forbid, it happens again. Understood?" Hogan said, looking each man in the eyes.
"Yes, Sir," everyone answered.
"Wake me for roll call," Hogan stated as he headed to his room
"Yes, Sir," answered Kinch.
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After a long nap, Hogan felt better than he had in a long time. The rest of the day was uneventful. When Hogan woke for evening roll call, he noticed in the mirror a hint of something he hadn't seen in a long time. He had a little of the gleam back in his eyes. Getting everything in the open was good medicine for him. After roll call, Hogan met with his men in the tunnels.
"Okay men, listen up," Hogan began as he addressed the men standing around the table, "London is going to have a plane waiting for us here." He pointed at the map. "If something goes wrong, I don't want anyone being a hero. I want shop closed as soon as you get word." Hogan made eye contact with each man making sure they understood how serious he was. "Christopher, I want you to accompany Wright and I to the rendezvous." Hogan raised his hand to quiet the protest. "I want Christopher to go. In case I lose my temper with this idiot," Hogan said, pointing to Wright, "I will need someone there who can talk me out of doing something I might again regret."
"But, Sir…" they protested.
Hogan was getting irritated with his men's protests and cut the comments off, "I have spoken. Christopher, get ready." While Christopher was getting ready, Hogan told the men, how they would use the tunnel they dug to explain Wright's disappearance to Klink.
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A short time later Christopher showed up all in black "Ready Sir."
Hogan stood eye to eye with Wright. In a low voice fitting for his code name he growled, "Please, give me a reason to send you back in a box."
Wright stared back at Hogan and said nothing.
Hogan remained calm and took keep breaths. "You don't have to tell me anything, but London will get the answers they want out of you. Too bad I won't be there to help them." Hogan pushed Wright toward the emergency exit.
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When they reached the tunnel exit, Christopher looked through the periscope to see if the coast was clear. Christopher looked at Hogan and shook his head. There were two guards standing a short distance from the tree stump.
"Carter!" Hogan yelled down the tunnel. In a short time Carter ran toward them. "Do you have any smoke bombs?"
"Yes, Sir. I have…" Carter answered eagerly.
Hogan waved his hand stating he was in no mood for a story. "Go into the motor pool and light them up so we can get out of here.
"Yes, Sir." Carter grabbed a couple of smoke bombs from his stash and headed for the motor pool.
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Carter looked around to make sure no one was around. When he was sure it was safe, he lit a bomb and threw it into a trashcan. After the smoke started pouring out of the trashcan, he ran back to the barracks.
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While they were waiting, Christopher kept a lookout with the periscope, waiting for the guards to move. They didn't have to wait long before Christopher saw the guards leave. He gave Hogan the go ahead nod. The three men headed up the ladder and into the woods.
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Guards rushed over to the motor pool with buckets of water. They started throwing water toward the smoke. Klink came out yelling, "What is going on here?"
Schultz ran up to Klink, coming to attention. "One of the trashcans started smoking and the men are putting it out. Corporal Berlitz admits to smoking on duty. The fire started when he threw his cigarette in the trash."
Klink shook his fist. "I want him on report. All future passes canceled for him until further notice. He knows smoking on duty is verboten."
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. It is already taken care of," Schultz lied.
Tonight, when Schultz saw the smoke, he suspected the men in Barracks two were up to some monkey business. Schultz didn't want to lie to Klink, but he knew if Hogan and his men got into trouble over this, so would he. A smile appeared on Schultz's face as he thought about Klink's reaction to the lie. He was proud of himself for being able to pull it off since there is not a Corporal Berlitz working there any more.
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Eventually, curiosity got the better of Schultz and he wandered over to Barracks two and stepped inside. He took a quick look around and found two beds empty. Schultz was puzzled for a moment because it wasn't any of Hogan's regular men. He quietly went over to Hogan's room and tapped softly. Upon hearing nothing, he tapped louder.
"'Ay bugger off. Some blokes are tryin' to sleep around 'ere," came Newkirk's irritated voice.
Schultz walked up to Newkirk and shook his shoulder. "Hey, Englander, where are Sergeants Wright and Christopher?"
"Out to lunch now leave me alone," Newkirk growled.
"Where is Colonel Hogan?" Schultz asked, knowing his suspicions were confirmed.
Newkirk sat up on one elbow. "Look 'e is out also and most of them will be back before mornin'"
Schultz turned away and headed toward the door "As long as most of them will be back in the morning." Then he realized what Newkirk had said and ran back to him. "What do you mean most?"
"Gov'nor will explain everythin' in the mornin'. Now be a good guard and leave. Some of us want to get back to sleep."
"He better have a good explanation. If I get into trouble for this, I am taking you boys down with me. Good night, Englander," Schultz said and walked out.
Newkirk once again tried to get comfortable. He wanted to be alert in case there was trouble tonight so he only took some aspirin for the pain. Newkirk didn't know if it was from hanging around Hogan so much or what, but his gut told him there was going to be trouble before morning.
Newkirk tossed trying to get comfortable again. Part of him was angry with Hogan for not confiding in his men sooner. So what if London made it an order? We are supposed to be mates and mates don't keep secrets from one another.
As Newkirk tossed again, he was met by a pounding on the underside of his bunk by Carter. "Sorry Mate, my arm and all. 'Ope you understand," Newkirk whispered
"I do, but toss gently. I feel like I am in the Navy instead of Air Corps," Carter whispered back.
Newkirk laid on his side facing the common room and watched the light pass through the cracks in the windows. I shouldn't be angry with him. He was only following orders and you can't blame him for that. I should be mad though at Wright for this hole in my arm and for all the trouble he has caused. Now I know why I never liked him.
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Carter got jostled every time Newkirk tossed and turned. Newkirk wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep. Usually Hogan didn't escort anyone to the pick up point. After the way Hogan acted earlier, Carter was worried. Granted, Hogan acted more like his normal self after his nap, but Carter couldn't get the images of the fight out of his mind.
Even though he had seen Hogan remain calm under Gestapo questioning and against rebellious underground members, it unnerved Carter to watch Hogan and Wright fight. Granted, Carter learned later Wright deserved it, especially for hurting Newkirk, but he never thought Hogan was capable of reacting the way he did.
Carter waited for the bunk to stop rocking before he continued thinking. Colonel Hogan has not been the same since Koch and I doubt he will ever be the same again. A single tear rolled out his eye as he remembered the pained look in Hogan's eyes while Koch forced Hogan to watch him torture his men.
"Say it, Hogan, and save this man's life," Koch said silky to Hogan as he delivered a punch to Carter.
"You can't do this. According to the Geneva Convention…" Hogan said, but was cut off.
"My dear Colonel, that doesn't apply here. Words are meaningless. There is no harm in saying these meaningless words." Koch hit Carter a couple more times and put his gun to Carter's head. "Last chance, Colonel. Say them or he dies."
"I can't. It would be treason. You can't do this," Hogan defended.
"Then he dies." Koch took Carter into the hall with the door open and Carter out of view.
"You can't do this. Let him go! Let him go!" Hogan pleaded.
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LeBeau listened to Newkirk and Carter and realized it was going to be a long night. It bothered LeBeau a little he wasn't the one to accompany Hogan to the rendezvous, but he figured it was for the best. After discovering Wright was a traitor, he wanted to get a few licks in as well. If Hogan lost his temper again with Wright, LeBeau would not try to stop him. Truth be told, he would probably help Hogan teach Wright another lesson.
The fight between Hogan and Wright came back to LeBeau's mind. Everything had happened so fast. The fight was over before he could react. In the last few months, he noticed only slight differences in Hogan. Last night however, it was evident something major had changed in Hogan. He was not the same man anymore. His patience was thinner with everyone. There had been no schemes or plans to annoy the Nazis for the fun of it. Except for the supply drops and downed flyers, Stalag 13 ran like a normal POW camp.
Hogan's actions could be attributed to seeing his men tortured, but now LeBeau realized something deeper happened.
LeBeau rolled over not wanting to continue his thoughts. The thought, however, refused to leave. Could Koch have brainwashed Colonel Hogan? Having such a thought made LeBeau feel guilty. LeBeau felt like he was betraying Hogan by having such a thought.
Colonel Hogan is only human after all. No, he would never do anything to betray his country, no matter what they do to him, but what about getting Colonel Hogan to betray himself? Koch brainwashed Hogan into doubting his own judgment. Tears slipped from LeBeau's eyes as he realized how much Hogan had really changed. How could I have been so blind not to see it sooner? LeBeau chastised himself.
Simple, Louis. If Colonel Hogan does not want a person to see something, they won't.
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LeBeau could not stand it any more. He got up and quietly made his way to the stove to pour himself a cup of coffee. After he poured his cup of coffee, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Almost dropping the pot of coffee he turned around.
"While you're at it…" Carter asked holding out his cup.
"You are too young to drink coffee. Besides it will stunt your growth," LeBeau whispered while filling Carter's cup.
"So why are you drinking it?" Carter asked with a playful smile.
"Might as well pour me a cup as well mate. I missed the train to dreamland," Newkirk said as he carefully climbed down from his bunk.
A few more people decided to get up also. Everyone was worried about Hogan. There would be no sleeping until Hogan and Christopher were home safe.