Hello all my devoted readers for sticking with me for so long, so I went back and decided to update this classic poem/fic as a special treat for all of those who continued to review more for that story. Sorry again for taking so long but it's always sweeter to obtain something you thought was lost to you forever. Isn't it?
-A Day with Myself
Why is it so hard to get up everyday?
I try to get up but I'm slipping away
Aching and sore all over. A blond boy lying in a bed slightly shifted with the morning sun. Semi-dark with brilliant rays intruding through the cracks on the blinds. Everything was dead silent except for distant noises of traffic and cars. Rolling over once more, the boy had landed in a spot where the sun shone directly in his eyes, waking him from his slumber.
Open my eyes only to be blind
Curse the sun with its broken shine
Waking up in an instant, he jerks to the side only to moan out a protest and curse. Slowly he sits himself up and realizes that this isn't bed. It was too soft to be his. Testing his eyes he peers at his surrounding to find whitewashed walls and a soft tan carpet. This wasn't his, he was sure of it.
I must be going crazy, so it would seem
A hallucination, must be a dream
Still his head wasn't clear at all. His brain hurt and everything was muddled. He couldn't think of a reason why he was here. Or what kind of good fortune would dare smile upon him. Then he started to doubt himself, this really couldn't be real. But his head started to pulse from the length of time he had been sitting up. He couldn't think straight.
I think someone's trying to play a trick on me
Guess being the joke is all I'll ever be
Glancing once more around him there seemed to be one thing that remained familiar. He was alone. There was no one anywhere. He couldn't hear anything. Yes… that felt the same. Alone. Completely alone in a nice fluffy bed that wasn't his. He still felt as empty as he did every morning.
I feel so ugly being faded and stained
Am I worthless now, becoming insane
He got tired of simply wondering where he was, so he slowly slipped his legs from under the blankets and onto the floor. The ground was soft as he counted to himself to three. Then at the end of the count, hefted himself to his feet. He almost fell forward when a swell of dizziness claimed his nerves and black clouds threatened to take his vision.
Haze clogs my mind as I walk through this mess
Let my soul out only to return less
His limbs felt like lead and all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. But the nagging feeling that he didn't belong here kept pushing into his mind. Dragging his whole body with each step he trudged to the door. Pain running up his legs with each step. He was surprised he didn't pass out from the pain. Stumbling on his own feel he began to fall but caught himself on the door frame of the room.
They say it was supposed to get better with time
But they lied to me, that should be a crime
'Come on Naruto… Think! Why are you here… what happened?!' While he closed his eyes in concentration he couldn't come up with anything. Then he opened them and heaved a heavy breathe. Then opened his eyes only to see his hands still resting on the frame. They were bruised and bandaged. Confused he touched a bruise on his arm. It hurt. Then fear and dread filled him. He remembered! He remembered what happened yesterday. 'Oh no!'
I can only see the truth through muddled fear
I wish I could just fade away or disappear
But that didn't explain why he was here. He should have awoken in the forest if he could remember correctly. He felt dizzy so he rested his hand on a nearby dresser. When he glanced down he saw a folded piece of paper with his name on it. Picking it up gingerly began to read its contents. All it said was; 'Take a shower. Clothes on dresser. Food in microwave. Get back to bed'. And it was signed, 'Sasuke'
Just to hear my voice I have to scream
This is 'my' reality, this isn't a dream
Naruto felt sick all of a sudden. Sasuke had seen him in his most weakened state. Embarrassed and self loathing, he couldn't stand himself at that moment. But he, nonetheless, followed the note and forced his body to the shower. But the thoughts of 'What does Sasuke think?' kept drifting in his mind. 'Well he probably wouldn't want to see me ever again.'
Being lost so long is becoming lonely
Afraid to know what's real or phony
Going into the bathroom, he sat at the edge of the tub while he started to peel of blood crusted bandages. He knew it hurt but he was used to pain so he didn't even flinch. What caught his attention was how clean the bathroom was… and how he was dirtying it his own blood. He smiled a spiteful smirk towards the bloody bandages. 'Isn't that how I am to the whole world?'
I may look fine, but I'm not doing so good
Who could call me happy… No one would
When all the offending bandages were gone he turned on the shower and got in. The water stung every part it touched but he simple stood there while it washed over him. Drifting thoughts made him wonder wither to use soap or not, but decided against it. He had too many open wounds. Leaning his head against the wall he watched all of the blood as it went down the drain.
Losing dripping life that I cannot hold
Becoming numb as my body turns cold
After time passed as he stared at the drain, he turned off the water when the red ceased to seep with water. Wrapping himself in a towel, he sat on the edge of the tub once more. Thinking of everything and nothing all at once. It was cold all around him as allowed himself to drip dry. It felt like he was sitting there for an eternity.
Banished to the misery of my own mind
I can't go where the true sun shines
Finally deciding he should get up he moved despite his limbs that protested. A few steps revealed how sore he was and became dizzy. Balancing himself on the sink he looked up only to look at his reflection. His face looked dark with melancholy. He looked pretty banged up, but luckily he didn't get a black eye. But that didn't mean he wasn't worse for ware. Sullen blue eyes empty and reflecting all that they could see.
Shallow eyes, morbid face, what can I do?
Weighed down by all they didn't know I knew
Tearing his eyes away from the mirror, he continued his dragging path back into the room he'd awoken in. Glancing around, the room seemed as bare as he felt, but not as clean as it was. Blinking at the brightness in the room, he noticed there was a balcony connected to the room.
I have a craving to find something more
Not wanting truth, beaten and sore
Stumbling to the window, he hit them making them clatter, disturbing the quietness that had settled on the home. Glancing around he found the stick that pulled the shades away. With one swift yank he allowed the blinding light to envelope everything in the room.
Alive, seeking no peace, my heart was bent
Hate has triumphed, no savior was sent
Leaning on the cold glass window, he began to slowly push it open to reveal a world beneath his feet. It was noticeably quite. Maybe it was because everyone was at work. Or maybe it was because he was up high. It could've been both. But for now, it seemed as if the whole world had stopped because he was watching. Or maybe… it was watching him.
Out here losers win and honest men lie
We're all in denial, no one here tries
Leaning against the rail, he contemplated just letting go. It would be so easy. All he would have to do is to keep his head downward so it would be permanent. Be less painful. The only person that would care about him killing himself is the person who would be forced to clean up his body.
It bears on me like the weight of the world
Seeing all the earth bound truths unfurled
"sniffsniff" Is someone crying? Confused Naruto glanced around to the adjacent balconies only to see a girl already sitting on the rail and leaning outwards. It seemed as if she was set to do what he was just thinking about. But she seemed more emotional than someone who was actually set on doing the deed. Usually the serious ones were … 'like me'
I'm almost at the point of no return
Watching my life and hopes crash and burn
"If you're going to jump, you might as well get over with it," The hollowness of Naruto's voice even surprised himself. He just watched her as she turned her head in surprise. "But I don't think your gonna do it? If you were, you would've jumped before anyone could see you." Her knuckles were white and she was shaking. 'As if this was her last resort'
After it all, I might end up dead
An eternal battle, taking place in my head
Tears dripping down her face she yelled at the blonde boy. "What would you know?! You don't know how hard my life is! You don't know anything about me! How dare you assume you can judge me! Who do you think you are?" Then silence ensued. With a sad smile Naruto simply replied, "…your right… what would I know?" With those words she stopped her frantic frenzy and finally took a good look at him. He was mangled and had bandages with bruises coming from them all over his body.
Right now, we don't need another hero
Besides, No one expects anything from a zero
She said, "But at least you have someone that cares about you. The bandages look clean…" Confused for a second, Naruto looked down at his own wrapped up arms. His smile disappeared as he spoke, "It's not so much as caring as in obligated for the sake of pity. But no one cares about me. I truly have no one…" She had finally stopped crying and she felt bad for him and discussed by herself.
Each day I tried with all my might
Yet no finish line has come in sight
This boy was having a harder time then she was and she had to act all dramatic… but she still hurt. "My boyfriend broke up with me for a prettier girl and called me fat and ugly in front of everyone in my school," she sobbed, "And I'm scared that he's right!" She cried. Naruto truly felt bad for her. To be isolated, ridiculed and alone. School humiliation was one of the worst kinds. People never forgot those kinds of things.
I wish someone could see me and not think
That I am forever the weakest link
"But doesn't that mean you still got a chance. To find that one person who will make everything better?" Naruto smiled a little, "I always hold onto that chance that maybe my life could get better. Even if it's just a little…" She still watched him quietly. "Hey let's promise to wait another day, if something good happens we'll stick it out another day, okay?" She nodded slowly, crawled over the rail and just stood there. Then in a whisper she said, "…promise…?..." He smiled, "Promise."
Laughing at death with nothing to lose
It's not easy or hard, it's what you choose
With this quiet reassurance, she went inside her house. After a few seconds, Naruto did the same. Except it wasn't his home. He was exhausted with the turmoil that he almost witness a girl kill herself. It vexed him to no end that everyone that tried to kill themselves had no idea how much better they had it then he did. Then, remembering that the note said to eat; he proceeded to the living room.
Staring at the plastered walls, they know everything
Your own lies come back echo and ring
Going to the microwave he opens to see a bowl of ramen. He grabs it and sits to eat. It's cold though so it doesn't taste as good in all its ramen glory. But he eats it anyway. The blonde boy continued to eat in silence. Though the food was filling his stomach, he still felt this heavy emptiness that weight on him wherever he went. Then his temple started to throb for some unknown reason.
Day after day, I bury my sorrow
Always hoping for a better tomorrow
Glancing around, his eyes follow the walls to the front door. Then slowly he notices that his backpack is sitting there on a short stool. His headache starts to throb and he starts to hear his own conscious again. 'You don't belong here. Who do you think you are? Don't you know that kindness only goes so far! What will he think if he comes back to find your still here'
But every now and then it comes back
Just to come and hurl you off your track
'You're weak. And you know it. Now he knows it too' Tears started to stream down his face. His head ache started to pulse so painfully that it was starting to blur his vision. All he could hear was his own thoughts fueling his anxiety and fears. He did the only thing he could do. The only think he knew how to do in his life. The only thing he ever trusted he could do. He ran.
Scared and terrified about what's at stake
You try to run but you trip and break
Taking a hold of his bag he ran to the door, yanking it open. But everything was going black now; he exerted to much energy in to quick a movement. He fell to the ground and was almost out cold when he head a faint 'ting' of the elevator door open down the hall. And soon appeared the person he most cared for and feared approach him. Please… don't look at… me…
And he was out.
Always distracted with what you see
Why couldn't you, just once, think of me?
I'll be honest. I don't know if I will finish this
Well hope you enjoyed this!
-aivivi