Pleasant Surprises

Chapter 4

Okay guys, here is chapter 4…I truly want to thank everyone that has posted a review. It means the world to me that all of you like my writing – especially when Mer/Mark is not a pairing that has that much following…yet. Maybe they will, maybe they won't – however -- I am going to write this story because this is what I would love to see happen in the lives of Meredith and Mark.

I had a bit of trouble writing this chapter and it might jump a bit here and there…the reason is that I am trying to figure out how I am going to transition Meredith from Derek to Mark…I need to be comfortable with the way I am doing it so if this chapter seems a bit choppy it's because it probably is. Please review anyway…there might be more questions on this chapter than others so please feel free to ask them of me.

Please keep the reviews coming – they absolutely, positively keep my creative thoughts flowing…just the fact that I know people are reading and looking forward to my updates makes me raise my own writing bar.

Happy reading!

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"Meredith." Mark called out her name. "Where were you just now?" he questioned. Meredith had a blank stare across her features and for a moment she looked like she was a deer in headlights – absolutely petrified of her own thoughts and the fact that they were centered on Mark – of all people Mark.

Uh-oh! She had just been caught daydreaming about Mark Sloan and by him nonetheless…"Nowhere." She said, as she focused back onto reality and the priority at hand: to not let Mark know that her thoughts were focused on him instead of Derek. "I was just wondering why all the questions about my personal life with Derek." Meredith retorted. "It's not like you guys are still friends, or is that it? You want to get in his good graces again by what…telling me he loves me when he himself doesn't even know it?" she questioned. She smiled at his reaction – bingo…she had succeeded! Now he was the one that looked uncomfortable.

Uh-oh! Now it was his turn to be taken aback. How could he answer that without lying? "Well I was just talking to Derek a little bit ago and he seemed agitated and for once I didn't think it had to do with only me." He said, as he looked into her eyes and smiled. "But he was unwilling to share any information with me so I decided to question you." He said, plainly. He looked at her intently waiting to see what she would say to that. For some reason it was important to him to see how much Derek meant to Meredith. He knew she loved him but how much would she take? What would be her breaking point with Derek? But most importantly, why was it important for him to know?

"Ah." She said, as she smiled. "And here I thought you cared." She joked. He smiled at her more widely and she knew that Mark caught on to her joke. "I do care Dr. Grey." He stated. "I don't know why but I do." He said, as his breath caught in his throat. Did he just say that out loud? Oh boy. Here he had just managed to get out of a jam and he went ahead and put himself in another one bigger than the first one. Good going Sloan!

"Thanks." She managed to croak out. She didn't know why but Mark managed to make her feel special and unique. "Can I ask you a question?" she said, suddenly shy and intent on not thinking about her confusing emotions in regards to Mark.

"Anything." He found himself responding and contrary to popular belief he would answer her anything that she wanted to know. He knew he was a cad, a big cad at that but he would be willing to – if he had the ability – assuage any guilt from Meredith. He would try to make her feel better with any means, except lying. Funny, he was the master of manipulation and the master of lying but he wouldn't do it with this woman. That was the second time today he thought that…in the span of thirty minutes…he would be in a heap of trouble if he wasn't careful. Seeing Meredith was like treading on dangerous territory yet it seemed like he was moving full throttle forward instead of retreating – he should have listened to Derek when he told him never to speak to her.

Her question brought him back from his reverie: "Why do you want Addison back? I mean I know you love her but what makes her the one for you?" Meredith questioned, innocently. She really did want to know how Addison had made two of the most wonderful and successful men in medicine fall at her feet. Addison was a beautiful woman and highly intelligent. Any man would fall for her but to have managed to have Mark and Derek in love with her at one point…well there had to be something in her that made her unique and she had to know what it was.

"If I were to tell you I don't know why I want her back or if I know she's the one would you believe me?" he questioned. That was the truth – he didn't know what he wanted – he didn't even know if he wanted to make things work out with Addison. Hell he had even cheated on Addison when he had finally got her where he wanted: in what they called their home, in his bed and all to himself. It still for some reason wasn't enough for him not to go and seek out another woman. Derek was right. He was always on the prowl and he didn't understand why he couldn't just be content with one woman. Maybe it was because he had not found the right one.

"Maybe." She responded, a little uncomfortable. Maybe he didn't want to talk about it with her but why else would he fly across the country for a woman that he didn't love? "I mean if you really don't want to tell me I understand. I don't want to pry but I really think that if you came to Seattle and settled here – at least for now – it has to be because you love her and you want to make things work out with her." Meredith said. At Mark's silence she continued: "Mark I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I mean she has every right to hate me but she is a remarkable woman who has made mistakes but I don't hate her – I've tried but I can't." Maybe that's what Mark thought…that she hated Addison and he didn't want to talk about her if she was going to have to defend Addison.

"She doesn't hate you either." Mark found himself saying, happy at the fact that Meredith had taken the conversation back to a territory that he didn't mind talking about. He could talk to Meredith about anything it seemed but he just couldn't talk to her about Addison and his not-so-clear-feelings for her, at least not yet. Why? Because he wasn't sure he wanted to share with Meredith his feelings for Addison – maybe that would push Meredith away and he realized that he did not want that. Damn Derek to hell! Here he was sitting in front of this woman and his thoughts were all over the place and he couldn't do anything about it because Derek and Addison were his priority right now and if he even tried to delve into his thoughts he could not even fathom wanting Meredith in his life – as a friend or God forbid anything else – because that would be the last nail in the coffin with Addison and with Derek and he had been working so hard for the past year to have them back in his life. His thoughts were all jumbled up and he hated feeling like his emotions were taking over his rational and logical thought.

"Mark?" Meredith questioned as she saw him stare into nothingness. "You okay?" she asked. "I didn't mean to upset you." She clarified. "Lets change the subject if you want." For some reason she was afraid of him wanting to leave and she couldn't explain it but she was right. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine." He responded suddenly getting up from the bed. "Listen I just remembered something that I had to do. How about I go do it and I'll let you rest?" he stated as he smiled slightly and walked out the door without once looking back.

Meredith looked at his retreating form and furrowed her brow. What had she said to make him so upset? She had asked a question. It wasn't like he hadn't delved into her personal life with Derek. She turned to look at the door one more time – as if by sheer magic she could make him reappear – but she couldn't so she sat up a bit and winced for a second in pain and decided to watch a little TV. It was so rare that she have time to do anything mundane, so she was not going to let this opportunity pass her by.

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Mark walked down the hallway hastily. He needed to get away from Meredith as fast as possible. She was making him feel things that he did not want to feel or worse yet things he had never felt before and that scared the hell out of him. He turned the hallway and bumped into a nurse, apologizing as he kept on walking barely acknowledging her. He needed to get out of the hospital, he needed a drink and he needed to get some perspective. He needed to put his focus back on Addison and he needed to get the hell away from Meredith – he told himself again -- Far, far, far, away from Meredith.

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Meredith shut off the TV after 30 minutes. There was nothing good on and she could only take bad reruns one at a time – Frasier was what she had watched and found herself laughing out loud but once it was over there was nothing else that caught her interest…so she shut the TV off and tried to doze off – it was impossible. Flashes from her conversation with Derek and Mark came back to her. What was she going to do? Was she going to look for Derek? Tell him the truth about Finn or not? He didn't even let her tell him that she had chosen him. He had no clue about that and it infuriated her. Right now they should be happy!

When their argument began she told him that the choice was hers to make yet she didn't tell him that she had chosen him and that she had made up her mind already. Now she was left with all these pent up feelings inside of her and she needed to tell him what she felt but he was not listening to reason. So he needed time to think…well fine, he could think but she was not going to let him get away that easily. Derek could think all he wanted but while he was thinking he needed to know how she felt as well. Maybe it would make a difference. She paged her nurse and as she walked in the door she smiled: "Hi. Do you mind getting me some stationary paper and a pen please?" she questioned.

"No problem Dr. Grey." The nurse responded as she walked back out only to come back a couple of minutes later with what she had requested. "Here you go. Need anything else?"

"Nope. Thanks." Meredith stated and looked down at the pieces of blank paper. It was funny how something so meaningless became -- in an instant -- meaningful when you filled it up with words that resemble exactly what your feeling or what your thoughts are. She didn't know how to get through to Derek -- out loud and looking him in the eye -- so she would try to write it down. She had no idea what was going through his head but she knew what was going through hers.

Derek,

It's so hard for me to write this to you when what I want to do is stand face to face with you and tell you exactly how I feel but for some reason you're not listening to me and if I cannot have your undivided attention then I am going to have to resort to the written word to tell you exactly what I'm feeling.

When you came into my hospital room this afternoon and told me that you were walking away I was floored…I didn't know what to say except that you were walking away from me without giving me the chance to choose. But that was not the only thing that was bothering me…I had decided that day – right after surgery – to choose you, to love you and you come into my room and pulled the rug from under me…again. Derek, do you know how hard it was for me to choose you? Not because I don't love you but because I do and every time that I decide to give my heart to you, you manage to stomp it into a million little pieces. I know this might not be helping you in your decision to be with me but if you want to stop hurting me don't you think that the rational thing to do would be…well to be with me?

I know it seems that Finn was in the running for my affections but I finally was honest with myself and now I want to be honest with you: Finn was an excuse. There. I said it. I'll repeat it: Finn was an excuse. An excuse to keep you at arms length when you were still with Addison, an excuse to not keep on hoping that one day you would leave her and come back to me. An excuse – plain and simple – because I was scared, scared of my feelings for you and how deep they ran. Now it seems that you are the one whose running scared and for the life of me I don't get it.

I love you Derek. So much that sometimes I wonder where so much feeling, emotion and turmoil can come from – and then sometimes I even wonder if it's worth it. I have cried for you – like I have never cried for anyone -- and it seems to get me nowhere because just as I'm about to think we can make a life together…you throw me into another tailspin and I am spinning without knowing where were headed or if were headed anywhere. Derek, you need to make me believe that all this suffering was worth something…that missing you, loving you and wanting you for so long will be rewarded.

You say you love me – then prove it to me. Prove it to me by staying, by not walking away and by forgetting all about your doubts and your own fears. Lets have a life – together. Don't prove to me that I was wrong by choosing you – prove to me that I was right by holding my hand and walking into the uncertain future with me and facing any obstacle together.

Love,

Meredith

There…she had done it. She was going to be a grown up and face her fears head on. Derek either understood her letter or walked away from her. There was no going back now. Being a grown-up was hard to do.

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Derek came back to his office hoping – maybe against hope -- that Mark wouldn't be there waiting for him; he wasn't. Well one good thing had to happen today, he thought to himself. He had been in surgery for a few hours and he was exhausted. All he wanted to do was go and see how Meredith was doing and talk to her. Maybe not about them, as he had promised her, but about other things – he honestly did not care about what: the weather, the surgery…hell ferryboats! He just needed to be by her side to make sure she was all right.

With that in mind he pulled off his white coat and made his way out the door. "Derek." He heard Addison call out to him. "We need to talk." She said, sheepishly. Derek turned to her and smiled. He really didn't hate her. It had been 11 years of marriage with good times and bad and if he concentrated on the good times he could give her a couple of minutes of his time. "What's up?" he questioned.

"Ummm" Now that she had him in front of her she didn't know how to start her conversation. "Okay. This is so hard…" she said. Her eyes filled with tears and she fought the urge to let them fall and won. She composed herself, looked Derek in the eye and stated: "We need to talk divorce proceedings."

Derek was taken aback. He knew that they had to talk about it and that they had to settle their divorce once and for all but coming out of her mouth…the word that they had fought so hard to stop – well it made it so final. They were getting a divorce. It was so sad. He was so sad but it had to be done. It wasn't that he was in love with Addison anymore. He would always love her and care for her but their time had passed. Whatever the reason – Meredith, Mark, the job, it was over. "Yes. We do." Derek said. "How about over dinner?" he questioned. "Addie…I don't want you to hate me because I don't hate you and if we can make this as amicable as possible over a bite then let's do it." Derek said. "How about once your shift is over?" he questioned. He didn't know what time she was at the hospital till but it would give him time to go and see Meredith as well.

"Okay." She said. "I get off in about an hour. You off already?" she questioned, knowing perfectly well where he would be headed if he was.

"Yes I am." He confirmed. "But I'll wait for you." He said, not telling her where he was headed. She already knew. Why confirm or deny it.

"Okay. I'll meet you in the lobby in an hour." Addison said and turned her back on him and walked down the hall.

Derek saw her leave and felt his heart constrict. He didn't want it to end this way but it had to. He had wasted a year of his life trying to make it work with Addison and all the while Meredith had gotten away from him possibly so far away that he wouldn't be able to get her anymore. He wasn't blaming Meredith or Addison; no this was all on him. Every single thing that was happening to them was his doing. All of it and sometimes the guilt just wouldn't let him live. He wondered if the guilt was what was holding him back from Meredith? Then the Chief's words as well…well it wasn't easy to avoid guilt.

He wouldn't push Meredith, he had promised her that -- in her kitchen -- when he had told her for the first time that he loved her. The dating thing was a bad idea. He wanted so much for her to choose him and she still hadn't. Walking away was just another alternative he was giving her because of the immense guilt that he felt every time he looked at her – so fragile, broken even. And he had done that. He had been the one to do that to her. What gave him the right to try to make things work now? He had chosen his wife and in the process broken her.

He didn't deserve her love.