Rikku
He left me, I knew it was coming, but still it hurt. It hurt like hell; it hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Seeing him fade away just like that into a mass of Pyreflies, made me realize how frail human life really was. He had just been here, he had been warm, and he had seemed to be so alive, now he was gone. The cut he left was deep, deeper than any wound could be, it tore into my, soul ripping out my heart and tearing it into pieces.
He's never coming back. I tell myself over and over but he promised he would. He told me we would be together again someday. We will eventually even if he can't come back to me. Someday I will go to him. Would it have been easier if we hadn't of fallen in love? No! I'm not even going to think like that. I'm glad we did. I wouldn't take a single moment I had with him back. Even if it meant I wouldn't be feeling this pain, this suffering, like a part of me is missing.
Sometimes I can hear him in the wind saying, "Rikku, e femm ymfyoc muja oui." (Rikku, I will always love you.) It may just be me or a case of wishful thinking, but I believe it's him. It has to be him. Sometimes it sounds like he says, "E ys fedr oui." (I am with you.)
During the pilgrimage when Yuna wanted to visit the Farplane I had told Auron that memories was just, that just, memories. Now I know better, sometimes memories are all we have left to hold onto, are all we have left to cling to, are the only thing left in this world to keep us journeying to the end of our lives.
Sometimes I think about what I would do if I had one more day with him. Thinking like that is useless though. He's dead, how many times do I have to tell myself that to believe it. I don't want to believe it though! I want him back! I want him back like he was, and I want to turn back time. Time was our enemy, our time was too short. I know somehow that I made him feel alive, although he was dead. I had finally given him a reason to want to live, but it was too late. Could it be any harder?
Sometimes I get so mad at him. How could he leave me? Why did he let me fall in love with him knowing that he would be leaving soon? Why didn't he try to stay for me like he did because of his promise to Jecht and Braska? Why couldn't I have had just one more day with him? One more day to hold him, to touch him, to smell him, but most of all one more day to tell him how I feel. I know its not his fault though, he would have stayed if he could have.
Most days I picture him sitting somewhere, in what I imagine to be the Farplane, watching me. His coat off, sword on the ground, with a smile on his face knowing that we will be together soon. Sometimes its like I can feel his presence with me at night, as if he is watching over me, until we can be together again. Once in a while, I can see his face in the night sky and I know eventually everything will be alright.
For now all I have is memories of him, and hope. There is always the hope of him keeping his promise and returning to me someday. Hope, such a small word for such a huge emotion, but sometimes it's the only thing we have to cling to, hope, memories, and maybe someday him.