Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy VIII

Pairings: Leon/Cloud, Irvine/Squall, some mentions of Seifer/Squall and Zach/Cloud

First Snow

He hid his memories in the top of his closet.

He always disappeared for the first snow.

I want to know you better than this.

Not just who you are, but why.

And when your eyes will be on me alone.

---

Hey, would you miss me if I were gone?

Would you know what you'd lost?

Even the memory of your touch is too much

to bear when you're not here.

Chapter Five: House of Cards

"What do you want, runt?" Seifer had finally asked. "Don't tell me you came all this way just to see me because you're jealous."

'Arrogant bastard,' Cloud thought. 'Leon called you a bad idea. I would've called you a regret.' "It's not important anymore. Tell me what happened to Irvine."

A dark smile twisted Seifer's lips and a shadow entered his eyes that made Cloud almost shudder. It was a look that reminded him of the darkness in himself that he'd been trying to get rid of for so long. Sephiroth. Someday he would, really…just…not right now. Trying to salvage what was left of his relationship and sate his curiosity was more important. "I killed him," Seifer said as if he were talking about the weather. "…probably."

Cloud's eyes widened at how easily Seifer said so. "What do you mean probably."

"Obviously, pipsqueak," Seifer began, and Cloud's jaw tensed but he remembered a certain saying about dead men telling no tales. "I didn't stick around to find out if it took."

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Beep … Beep … Beep…

The rhythm of the monitor was slower and stuttered more often than Squall cared to think about. He'd done this once before—sat in the infirmary in the middle of the night clutching at cold fingers, praying for a response. Then, he had thought it was love, but the prone form of Rinoa Heartilly wasn't half this painful to bear. Irvine's entire torso was covered in bandages, the stomach already stained a brownish shade from blood and effluent as Irvine's body tried to heal. The cowboy, pale-skinned enough when healthy, turned sheet white when ill and he felt so cold. Squall had draped his coat over Irvine's torso and hadn't pulled himself from the other brunette's side in days, Garden be damned. He was lucky enough to have capable friends who could cover for him when he was being impossible to deal with.

Squall Leonheart was just that type. He tried to push the world away, but when he committed to something, it was for good. Before he realized it, Squall had committed to Irvine. Dr. Kadowaki had said 'the next forty eight hours will be critical'. That was five days ago and Irvine's condition hadn't changed. There was nothing anyone could do but wait.

"Don't you dare leave me now," Squall whispered. "I'll never forgive you." Silence and the semi-rhythmic beating of Irvine's heart was the only answer he received. "Damn you Irvine Kinneas, say something."

-----

Cloud shivered. It wasn't the chill breeze that ruffled though his hair as he sat on the rooftop, thinking. It was the cold words that gripped his chest. He himself had killed people before. He wasn't claiming complete innocence, but he didn't feel good about it. Sephiroth fed on death and destruction. Seifer Almsay—Seifer didn't seem to care. Still, if Leon's lover at the time was killed by his previous lover…well maybe Cloud could understand why he didn't want to talk about it, a little. Sephiroth had killed Zach, after all and that was kind of similar in a bizarre, sick, and twisted sort of way, but what bothered him even more was that Leon preferred tall guys, and he lied about it. It should be a trivial, pointless thing, but it told Cloud how much Irvine's death had affected his lover and it made Cloud feel as if his entire relationship was built on a house of cards, just waiting for the slightest breeze to come along and make everything go crashing down around them.

He lowered his face into his hands.

Without Leon what would he have? Just his hate for Sephiroth, just his desire to destroy Sephiroth to keep him going. That was probably why, he realized, he never asked Seifer about his silver-haired counterpart—he needed something familiar to hold onto. Frowning up at the darkening sky, Cloud realized it was the end of summer. He'd accomplished very little, but might as well just go home. He needed to talk to Leon.

'What am I to you, anyway? Do you really love me? Or will anyone do? Anyone who doesn't remind you of Irvine Kinneas, that is. Damn you Squall Leonheart. Damn you and damn your past too.'

-----

Leon frowned at the bed and rubbed his eyes. It was hard to sleep when half the bed was cold, especially when he'd spent all month torn between his memories and wondering if said half the bed was going to stay that way. 'Damn you Cloud Strife, don't you know when I'm impossible to deal with is when I need you with me the most? Can't you guess that much without me having to say it?'

Leon buried his head in his hands. Even now he was still so terrified of being alone, especially in August. And so, naturally, Cloud chose August to disappear to hunt for Sephiroth. Leon secretly prayed he didn't find him. If he did, after all, Cloud might not come back.

"…Yuffie tells me you've been more impossible than usual."

Leon startled and jolted up, shooting his gaze toward the doorway, eyes giving him away. 'Thank god you're safe,' he thought as Cloud stepped into the room, dropping his duffel bag and buster sword by the door.

Cloud tried to act casual, but it was difficult, especially with the uncertain look in Leon's eyes and the way that as soon as he was within arm's reach Leon pulled him up against him in a desperately tight embrace without saying a word and it didn't feel as if Leon planned to let go any time soon.

Cloud sighed, still not sure if Leon really loved him, but understanding that the gunblader needed him, and wrapped his arms around the larger man in comfort. 'I'm back' he said without words, and Leon's embrace tightened as if answering without words 'welcome home'. "You should have told me that Seifer killed Irvine," Cloud said after staying in the position a long while, when Leon seemed calmer.

Leon blinked and leaned back. "Who told you that?" he asked, perplexed.

"…Seifer did," Cloud answered a little hesitantly, not sure how Leon would take it.

"Ah," Leon answered briefly, as if Cloud's comment made more sense to him now. He let go, sat on the edge of the bed and gave Cloud's hand a brief tug to get the blonde to sit with him.

Cloud did, a bit hesitantly, and noted that Leon kept him close and didn't let go of his hand as if afraid he might vanish at any moment. "Seifer didn't kill Irvine, but I understand why he thinks so," Leon began hesitantly. "The wound was bad. They didn't know if he would make it. He was in critical condition for a long time. He didn't open his eyes for a month."

Cloud put two and two together. Irvine had been comatose for a month. Leon was impossible to deal with in August. "You were afraid of losing him."

Leon leaned his head against Cloud's shoulder and let out a shaky breath. "…terrified. Even now thinking of how pale he was scares me to death."

Cloud ran his fingers through Leon's long, dark hair. He always thought of Leon as a pillar of support for everyone in Hollow Bastion. Mostly silent and easy to overlook, but always there when you needed him. It had never dawned on him to ask who was supporting Leon. He didn't realize how much the taller man depended on him. Just his presence was enough. He prayed that was enough to keep them together when he felt like a convenient substitute for what Leon really wanted. He would ask for the details about what happened to Irvine later, he decided. Leon was obviously not up to it at the moment, but he still felt bitter and moody about the entire affair.

"…did you find Sephiroth?" Leon asked to break the awkward moment and try to drive the subject away from his own past.

"…I hear you prefer tall guys," Cloud retorted.

Leon lifted his head and blinked. Huh?

"Seifer is huge, and he tells me Irvine wasn't much smaller," he huffed, knowing it was stupid to needle such a trivial point when there was so much more going on that he wanted to know about.

The tension broken by Cloud's cute little pout, Leon let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding in an almost-chuckle. "Cloud, I was only 5'8. Most guys were tall guys by comparison. I only even knew one guy shorter than me, and he was kind of…" Leon tried to find a way to describe Zell that wouldn't be an insult to Cloud. After all. They were both short. They both had spiky blonde hair. Never mind that their personalities were completely different, Cloud would still be offended if he wasn't careful. "…eccentric."

Cloud huffed a bit, which prompted Leon to quirk a brow at him, wondering what the issue was now.

Cloud frowned at being forced to elucidate before muttering, "…I'm only 5'7."

Leon smirked at the adorably self-conscious gesture and pulled Cloud back suddenly onto the bed.

"Wha..!?" Cloud protested.

"Your side of the bed is cold," Leon said seemingly out of nowhere, kissing Cloud's temple gently.

Some people might find such a non sequitur confusing, but Cloud relaxed, understanding the way Leon's mind worked. It was too embarrassing to say 'I missed you.' Relenting for now with a sigh, Cloud wrapped his arms around Leon's neck and said, "then you'd better help me warm it up."

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To Reviewers:

shrouded-obsession: thanks, and here's another chapter then.