Standard Disclaimers Apply.
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts/FFVIII
Pairings: Leon/Cloud, Irvine/Squall, some mentions of others
Warnings: Boy/Boy Love, some icky, gory bits. Angst, and plenty of it.
Well, okay, this one took me two days instead of one. Reasons: I sucketh at the fight scenes. I'm in the middle of moving, and the application for the association on my new trailer is like…a zillion pages long. Bastards. The next one may take a bit too. Over the next 2 weeks I'll be living half the week in NJ and the weekends in NY--this, obviously, requires lots of driving. And packing, let's not forget packing. Well, you cry over the story, I'll cry over the fact I have way too much crap.
First SnowHe hid his memories in the top of his closet.
He always disappeared for the first snow.
I want to know you better than this.
Not just who you are, but why.
And when your eyes will be on me alone.
Hey, would you miss me if I were gone?
Would you know what you'd lost?
Even the memory of your touch is too much
to bear when you're not here.
---
I want you to know me.
Not just who I am, but why.
But the words get stuck in my throat,
and I choke.
The difference between hello and goodbye
no longer means a thing, if you're not here.
---
So much has happened I can't even cry anymore.
Someday, maybe, we'll cast away our pride and fear
Chapter Nine: Grasping at Straws
"I don't know what your world was like, but in mine, we were used to monsters," Leon said slowly. "SeeD was a mercenary institution. We trained at places known as Gardens since childhood and when we attained the rank of SeeD we were hired out for all kinds of jobs. A lot of the 'simple ones' were monster exterminations in or around different towns and villages when the population was getting out of hand and causing the townspeople trouble," he explained. "Because of that when the heartless first started showing up, we probably didn't take it as seriously as we should have…" Leon paused, tone laced with regret. He blamed himself for so much of what had happened—Cloud could tell from the way the silence felt when Leon stopped talking this time. He was the Commander of one of these 'Gardens'. Even so many years after the fact he felt his own negligence was to blame. Cloud could understand the feeling, but wanted to comfort Leon somehow. "Even you can't take sole responsibility for the fate of an entire world, Leon," he whispered into his hair. "Even here in Hollow Bastion you always try to do too much on your own."
"People depend on me," Leon protested.
"I know," Cloud replied. "You're the type of guy who hates to disappoint them."
"And you're the type who doesn't give a damn." Leon's lips curled very slightly. It was an old and very private joke between them and calmed his nerves a bit. "No more secrets, then?" he asked with a sigh, righting himself a bit but not so much that Cloud would have to relent on the gentle embrace.
"No more secrets," Cloud said. "Please. They've caused us nothing but trouble as it is."
Leon sighed. He understood, but it was still so painful to recall. "Right then. Wish I had a glass of water. There's a lot to say."
Cloud smirked slightly, appreciating the joke Leon made at his own expense. "You want me to get you one?" he asked.
"No," Leon answered. "It would mean you have to move." He wet his lips and thought another moment before saying. "I was so nervous."
-----
"Why do I have to be the one to walk down the isle anyway?" Squall complained a bit finding the task very…effeminate.
Zell grinned. Even he found Squall cute when he was trying not to admit that he was this nervous. "Because that's your dad waiting to give you away at the end of the isle," he joked.
"…didn't know I belonged to him," Squall grit out. Damn it, why was he so nervous?! He wanted to marry Irvine more than he thought possible, but add a room full of people, a few hundred cameras and a penguin suit to the equation and his stomach went all knotty and his feet wanted to pace and his hand was reaching for a gunblade and something to kill with it.
"Well, now you know. Let's get this show on the road, best buddy o'mine."
"…you're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"Nope."
"Hey, you're date…"
Zell shifted awkwardly. "…ask me about that after the wedding, okay? It's kind of complicated."
Squall blinked, "I was just going to ask if you thought he'd actually wear the hat."
Zell grinned, realizing Squall didn't know the half of it. "I can pretty much guarantee it."
"…he must be a real idiot then," Squall said, smirking faintly, his mood dramatically improved.
Zell laughed and replied, "you don't know the half of it."
-----
Cloud thought a minute and then realized, "wait…ah, not that I want to interrupt now that I finally have you talking but…stupid black beanie with a kanji on it?"
"Yeah, why?"
Cloud blinked and gave Leon a 'you've got to be kidding' expression. It just goes to show you, you never know what kind of crazy things might happen in life. "…I've seen that hat."
"You've what?"
"…Seifer was wearing it."
Leon blinked, remembering the conversation he'd had with Zell that fateful day and putting it all together. Complicated indeed. He brought a hand over his mouth suddenly, trying to hide his odd amusement, but the corners of his eyes wrinkled in mirth, which made the atmosphere much more bearable.
"I take it this is all terribly amusing and I should feel let down that I'm not in on the joke," Cloud said dryly, secretly glad to see Leon looking happy for the moment.
Leon managed not to laugh outright and replied, "you have no idea."
Cloud realized they'd gotten a little distracted from the topic, and he did want to know how the story ended, very much so, but it was the first time he'd seen Leon smile in months and was hesitant to put an end to it. He found the slight upturn of his love's lips heartening—maybe they could get through their troubles after all. And just maybe someday Leon would love him as much as he'd loved Irvine. 'I guess…maybe it would be okay to be a replacement until then.'
A few more minutes passed before Leon got back on subject and said, "but that's not important now. Zell is gone too. And Laguna, Selphie…everyone. In the end, only Seifer's gang and I survived. I guess that's what they mean by 'bitter irony'."
Cloud finally understood the depth of what Sephiroth had taken from his lover and he grew to hate the silver-haired male even more, which he really hadn't thought was possible. 'And I kissed him.' He felt the urge to brush his teeth...repeatedly. What Leon suffered wasn't a pain that came simply from losing the man you loved—though that certainly did hold the most sting. Leon had lost everything, and the only people he had to blame were Sephiroth and himself. He did understand Leon a little more even from only this much—he'd been lost for a long time, grasping at straws for something solid to hold on to.
-----
Irvine grinned at him as he walked down the isle. Squall felt kind of stupid about the entire affair, but that made it all worth it. The sun cast a golden halo over the crown of the cowboy's head where the hat would normally be present and that satiny auburn hair tumbled down his back. Hyne, but Irvine looked gorgeous. It made the camera flashes and all the people feel a little less important.
Selphie stood a bit to the side of Irvine, smiling widely, and all of his friends were seated in the front row—a little embarrassing, really—but he appreciated their support. Even though most of the time he acted irritated with them, it was nice not to be alone.
And of course there was Laguna, grinning stupidly as he thought about giving his son away. "I want grandchildren," he informed Squall quietly, "so you and Irvine had better get used to the idea of adoption."
Squall frowned at him for the badly timed joke and replied just as quietly, "you get stupider every time you speak."
"You're awfully abrasive for someone who's trying not to smile," Laguna teased gently. "…and losing."
Before Squall could retort, Laguna was passing him off to stand opposite Irvine, who gently took his hands. He could feel the cold sweat on Irvine's palms and it comforted him. "You're nervous," he said quietly.
"Excited," Irvine corrected. "I waited so long for you to remember me, to take notice of me, it's like a dream, knowing you'll finally be all mine."
Squall's cheeks reddened and he became aware of the cameras and their watchers anew.
Honestly! It was embarrassing that Irvine could say such a thing in front of so many people, even if most of them couldn't hear him. The priest waited only a moment longer before beginning the ceremony. Irvine had run the idea of personalized vows by Squall, but the Commander of Balamb Garden had protested it, claiming he wouldn't know what to say, and besides, it was too embarrassing to have everyone know so intimately what he felt for Irvine. He wanted to share that with Irvine alone, and so, this rather untraditional couple settled on a traditional ceremony. Vows, kisses, dancing and cake. At least that was the plan, but you know what they say about the best laid plans.
Irvine was adoring and anxious, taking the ring from Selphie. He'd been waiting for this part. Soon, the kiss would come and it would all be official. Squall tried to look like his usual stoic self, so Irvine decided he would never mention how adorable he looked, or the way those smoke-gray eyes smiled up at him with utter trust and love. It would be his own little secret, something to tuck away safely in his heart.
"…with this ring I thee…whoooa!" a loud crack was followed by the entire room shaking violently.
Squall stumbled forward and Irvine just barely caught him against his chest. "What the hell was that?!" Squall demanded, eyes darting to the sound of heavy footsteps creaking outside.
"Ah damn it!" Irvine complained. "Can't those bastards cut us some slack? Just for one day??" he frowned. Monsters. Had to be. Everyone assumed the same thing.
Squall cursed under his breath. They were almost official and then this! The room shook violently again and his brow furrowed. No fair! The soon-to-be-wedded couple gave each other a look. Squall nodded. Irvine sighed. "Alright," the latter said, turning to the priest. "Just hang out a bit, huh? It looks like we'll have to deal with this before we finish up."
"Hyne!" Zell declared, looking out the window. "When'd it get so dark out? And that thing is huge!"
"And me without my Exeter," Irvine cussed under his breath as he pulled the blinds back all the way.
"We'll hold him off here while you get your weapons. Second floor, third room on the right," Laguna said, pulling a machine gun from behind the altar.
"When this day is over," Squall told his father. "I'm going to ask why you thought a cathedral was a good place to store your gun."
Laguna grinned. "Then you'll be in for a funny story," Laguna said, shooing them off before diving out the window after Zell and…some guy in a beanie, at least that's what it looked like. Who wore a beanie to a wedding, anyway? Well, a question to be discussed at another time.
"When this is over, remind me to kill you for this stupid hat," Seifer informed the other blonde.
Zell grinned. "You're the one who wanted a disguise. It's not my fault you're so gullible."
"I'll kill you."
"You're all talk."
"Uh, no offense," Laguna said, "but can you two have this conversation later? We have bigger problems right now than the big guy's stupid hat." He looked up at the gigantic heartless that looked just about the right size to use him as a toothpick. "…much bigger."
-----
Squall grabbed Irvine's wrist and pulled him from the room. "Come on!" he said, "just run like hell for now."
Puddles of darkness seemed to be everywhere, swallowing the topmost levels of high rise buildings, pooling up from underfoot, and out of them came monsters that Squall would later learn were known as 'heartless'. It was like the Lunatic Pandora all over again.'
"This is not how I pictured my wedding day," Irvine griped as they dodged debris on their way up the stairs.
"I thought you liked surprises," Squall retorted.
"Only the good ones."
"Then shut up and hurry, the day's not over yet."
-----
Leon swallowed and licked his lips again. It was hard to think about that day, let alone talk about it, and getting it all out at once was more than a little stressful. He felt a little pathetic, leaning on Cloud like this too as he related the story of how he lost his previous lover. It just seemed too awkward, talking about how much he loved some other man to the man he currently loved, but Cloud was insistent and he understood if he didn't explain what happened clearly there would be no way to get around it. He supposed he was willing to suffer a little if it meant they could somehow get past all the bullshit and finally, finally be happy. Still, he was so afraid that Cloud would start comparing himself to Irvine. It was half the reason he kept it to himself for so long. He saw the two as completely separate entities…and he knew that was a bit hypocritical when he'd spent so much time being jealous of Zach, but even so, his brain understood things logically, if his heart was sometimes a little childish.
"I trusted in his strength," he said at last. "I trusted in all of him so completely, but believing he would always be beside me wasn't enough…I don't want to make the same mistake again."
Cloud sighed, a little exasperated by the pause but understanding that emotionally, Leon needed to take a short break from the story. He let his fingertips lightly caress Leon's cheek. "You can't protect everyone," he said.
"I should at least be able to protect the one I love," Leon protested.
"Idiot. You'd think by now you'd realize that you need to be protected at least as much as everyone else, maybe more." 'And I'm sorry I haven't been more dependable,' Cloud thought. 'I
intend to make up for that now, if we can somehow forgive each other.'
Leon frowned, sulking at the implication that he needed anything or anyone, but he knew Cloud wasn't wrong. The one he needed to support him was the very man he'd been unintentionally pushing away for years. 'I guess I should thank any god listening that he's so damn stubborn.'
He rested against the blonde for a few minutes without saying anything before finally beginning again. "I don't know how long we fought. The more heartless we killed, the more showed up. It was like running through quicksand. The harder you fight, the faster you drown. I can't be sure of the details, but by the time we got back to the cathedral they were all…" Leon bit his lip.
"Selphie, Zell, my father…it was too late."
It was the first time Leon had openly referred to Laguna as 'my father'. He usually called the man by name, and that in itself showed how much he felt the loss in spite of what he cared to admit.
-----
Seifer groaned and cursed, irritably shoving the beanie into his jacket pocket. It was just getting in the way of his vision fighting something so large. He shoved some debris off of his chest, something heavy and shook himself back to consciousness. His hand came away from that something sticky with blood and when he realized what—who—it was, his stomach lurched into his throat. "Zell?" No answer. "Chicken-wuss?" That always got a reaction, always. "Damn you, wake the hell up. It'll be a pain in the ass to finish this thing off alone. Come on…you're not this weak, are you?"
Seifer's voice cracked. Zell had a hole going straight through his stomach a good foot wide in diameter. He forced a phoenix down past the martial artist's lips, but nothing happened.
He wasn't given the time to react or even mourn as the clawed hand of the goliath heartless swiped at him again, flinging him across the square. He wheezed, trying to get air back into his lungs. The hand came again, too quickly, but the claw that nearly skewered him was blown off with a loud bang. Seifer's gaze shot over his shoulder to find Irvine, his tux looking kind of tattered, with Exeter raised, the safety being pulled back already for another shot. He didn't stop for thanks, scrambling for his gunblade as Squall attacked the creature.
"After we finish this guy off, I'll ask what the fuck you think you're doing here," Irvine told the blonde. He couldn't stand Seifer and felt a competitive streak toward the taller blonde, especially given his former relations with his fiancé/soon-to-be-husband.
"Then for the moment," Seifer grit out. "You won't mind if I tell you to kindly shut up and shoot."
The heartless, seriously weakened by their fallen comrades, was still by no means weak. Slashing claws led into thick coils of taut black muscle a whip-chord neck and vacant yet angry eyes. Those eyes made Squall think of some kind of crazed sociopath. Dark portions of armor, when hit, made his bones clatter and his teeth vibrate and he cursed under his breath every time a missed strike caused the jolting vibrations to wrack through his slim form. "Aim for the head, I think," he told Irvine.
Irvine cursed under his breath, complaining about bad omens and something about the monster's claws being "sharper than a t-rexaur's incisors."
Seifer, as far as Squall could tell, wasn't listening to what anyone had to say. He seemed almost like he was about to go into some kind of rage blackout. Each time he saw Zell's un-moving figure in a pool of blood the large blonde got angrier and seemed to slash randomly, damning technique in favor of violently hacking away at anything he could reach.
It was a long battle that left the participants bruised and battered. "Don't look much ready for a wedding now, do we?" Irvine said nursing a nasty scrape across his abdomen that had forced a bloody tear through his cummerbund. "Well, we'd better rouse our fallen comrades," he said.
Seifer's lips twisted in a dark smirk, "It's too late for that."
"Why you…!" Irvine grabbed the blonde's lapels. The last thing he needed was some pessimistic bastard telling him what could and couldn't be saved.
Seifer turned his head away but for once, didn't seem to have any fight left in him. "I already tried," he muttered.
"What was that, Almsay?!"
"I said I already tried you damn rodeo wannabe!" Seifer snapped, shoving him away.
-----
Leon shuddered, pausing in his story.
"I thought.." Cloud began. Hadn't Seifer thought he killed Irvine before this?
"I…we," Leon corrected, remembering that Cloud had met and spoken to Seifer. "May have led you to believe things that weren't entirely true up to now. They weren't lies, per say, but…" Leon paused guiltily. "It's so hard to talk about, Cloud. It's true that Seifer probably thought he'd killed Irvine that day he found us together, but that's not the only time he felt as if he was to blame."
"Leon…"
"We thought it was over," Leon began again, determined to force the rest past his lips in what he prayed would be the last time. "We were wrong."
-----
"Well well, Commander Leonheart, I must say, that was impressive."
Squall's eyes darted from Irvine and Seifer's bickering to the direction of the voice. He emerged from the darkness, rising through the pool of black plasma that remained from the defeated creature. Silver hair and aquiline features--a thin jaw, but tall, handsome really. He was no Irvine Kinneas, but even so, he was an attractive man--that was Squall's first impression anyway. But those metallic eyes sent a chill down his spine. The thin, bemused smile was no better. He raised his sword slowly.
It was at that precise moment that Seifer shoved Irvine away from him.
A sharp pain raced through Irvine's stomach and he looked down, shocked, to find a rather long sword piercing his sternum. Blood pooled outward in a macabre tie-dye from the wound and he looked up, hands coming up, but with the blade still through him held awkwardly near his ribs, having nowhere to go. He looked up at Seifer, then Squall, unable to put two and two together. How had he…? He opened his mouth to speak, but choked on the blood that had started to bubble out of his mouth. How? What??! This had to be a nightmare, a bad dream. Wedding jitters, that's it. Soon the alarm clock would go off and he'd wake up to find Selphie pestering him about sleeping in on his big day. He'd marry Squall and drag him off on a honeymoon--somewhere tropical. They would make love every day and he would teach Squall all about the wonders of fruity drinks with little umbrellas…
…it was about then that the pain registered. Why wasn't he waking up?
"Unfortunately," Sephiroth said fluidly, a wicked smirk twisting his features as he twisted the sword a full one hundred eighty degrees so the blade faced upward, causing the wound in Irvine to bloom a deeper scarlet at the center. Irvine's features twisted in agony, but he didn't have time to react beyond that as Sephiroth swiftly raised the blade, shearing the cowboy in two from the wound upward.
"…loss always breeds greater strength."
"IRVINE!" Squall screamed, taking a step forward as if to approach his lover's twisted figure as it sprayed blood and slowly fell to the ground, as if he could somehow put the man back together again.
Seifer winced and looked away, but at least had the presence of mind to pull Squall back from the badly mangled, yet still warm, corpse of his fiancé.
"LET ME GO YOU BASTARD!" Squall demanded.
Seifer wasn't hearing it.
"I look anxiously forward to seeing just how strong you can become, Squall Leonheart. I imagine it may prove terribly interesting."
Sephiroth disappeared the way he came, slowly through the black darkness.
"LET ME GO!" Squall demanded again, struggling against Seifer's firm hold.
"There's nothing you can do for him now!" Seifer declared. "Just live." He shoved Squall away from the carnage and jumped in the swiftly closing darkness behind Sephiroth.
-----
This time, Leon really did cry. They were silent tears as he buried his face against Cloud's shoulder. The memory of his lover being cleaved in half from the waist up was just too much to bear, the image brought fresh and anew to his mind.
Cloud did the only thing he could for the brunette, he clung to him tightly as if he could somehow assure him that that would never happen to him even though he knew he couldn't make such an assurance. He wanted to kill Sephiroth more than ever now, for both of their sakes. And he felt terribly guilty about making Leon relive such painful memories. 'What's going to happen when I tell him who that 'silver haired man' is?' he thought, praying the knowledge wouldn't do irreconcilable damage to his lover's state of mind. He was barely hanging on as it was. 'Which I am at least mostly to blame for,' he reminded himself bitterly. Leon had been holding in these tears for so long that he didn't dare ruin it by speaking. Maybe a good cry would help the brunette come to terms with all that had come to pass. Maybe Leon would never fully recover from the loss, but even if that was the case, Cloud knew that he couldn't leave him now. He'd already lost too much.
'I'll be the one to support you,' Cloud thought. 'Just like everyone has depended on you all these years, you can depend on me from now on. I promise…and I'm sorry.'
-----
To Reviewers:
fullmetalguitar: Hah! Well, Aeris's got to be good for something, right? And when you've got two stubborn boys like Leon and Cloud someone's got to push them in the right direction.
krad: Hah! Sorry sorry, but to make up for it, this time the chapter was very long and dramatic, right?
shrouded-obsession: Hah! Good! I'm glad. I thought the beanie thing was fairly obvious and that I wouldn't have to hit everyone with a neon sign for them to get the hint. It's just a subtle reference. As you can see I've chosen not to go into that here, but I am considering writing a short Seifer/Zell fic as a companion to this one…but probably not until I'm a) done with this fic and b)settled into my new place --which I imagine will be about a month from now. And yes, it is sad. Poor Irvy. Poor everyone. As for Until the End of Eternity and Longer, do keep in mind that everything but First Snow is so old that I kind of think they're really lame now. That said, I hope you enjoy it anyway.
Gold Silk: Thanks, I hope the explanation of Irvine's death is alright, I do suck royally at the writing of battle/fight/gore scenes. And I think at this point I won't be surprising anyone if I tell you that you can rest assured that Sephiroth/Cloud isn't really much of a possibility. To be honest, I've never really liked Sephiroth much anyway. He makes a damn good villain, but the FF world just has so many cooler characters…at least I think so. And don't worry about it, I know what you meant.
SUFFERINGLOSTSOUL: Thanks, working on it.