One hell of a wedding!
By Marie B.
First chapter: Wedding? Where did that come from?
Rebecca Chambers couldn't be happier than she was right now. Her small apartment was so chaotic that even the Devil wouldn't find its way through it.
"Where is it? Where is it?" she said gleefully, her smile and her eyes shimmering like a Sailor Moon character.
Rummaging through her tons of piles of clothing, she was trying to find a certain piece of cloth that meant A LOT to her.
"Billy? Can you help me?" she said, looking at the man who was endlessly polishing his dog tags. Yes, Billy was now living with Rebecca (we all wanted that to happen at some point…) and he was also added to the RE crew since 2002. So, we had to include him in this story. Having fun with Brad Vickers was getting a little bit boring. And that guy was dead long ago and was somewhat very unpopular with the ladies. So, we could say that Billy was now fresh meat to this universe, handsome fresh meat for that matter.
"Mmh?" mumbled the ex-commando or ex-whatever because I don't remember what he was.
"Oh Billy!" exclaimed Rebecca, singing and doing scary figure skating poses. "You never listen to me, you big-sugar-duper-chocolate-chip!"
Billy Coen didn't understand -and surely never will- why he was with that girl. Maybe because she used to play basketball (he saw a picture of her in her outfit…man she was hot!!) Maybe because she had "medicinal" herbs growing in her apartment. Or maybe it was because he was a fool in love…more of a fool than in love though…
"What are you looking for, doll face?" he asked, now polishing his handcuffs.
"'told you to never call me like that!" retorted back the eighteen-year old girl, still searching for her clothes.
"But you said that it was turning you on…" replied back the man, ignoring the fact that Rebecca was angry, because Rebecca can't possibly be angry…it would be just funny to see.
Upon hearing that, the girl stood up rapidly and froze like a Mr Freeze in a cold snowy day. She then started to giggle uncontrollably, her face red and on the verge of exploding. Billy was also on the edge of exploding…but from laughter. He then saw something glimmer beside Rebecca's feet.
"Is that what you were looking for?" he asked, showing her the piece of cloth.
"MY HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATING DRESS!!!" shouted the girl with pure happiness and glee and everything that a young teenage girl can feel when she sees a picture of Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake or of any preppy and popular handsome boy that girls fall in love with for no apparent reason.
Billy sighed with desperation. That wedding was going be to a big pain in the ass…
And he didn't even know who was getting married with whom.
"Please God, save me from this suffering…"
"CLAIRE?? WHERE'S MY TOXEDO??" yelled a russet-haired boy that no one likes for any apparent reason.
"Jeez, Steve. You don't have to yell like that, I'm not deaf," said the nineteen-year old brunette known as Claire Redfield whose faith is obligatorily to, no matter what, no matter how and no matter why, fall in love with a certain rookie cop who has nothing to do with this story.
The girl handed the boy the famous tuxedo that he had worn during that memorable party a few months ago. Steve grinned and placed a big wet kiss on the girl's lips which turned in mere seconds into a fiery and passionate kiss as both young adults dropped on the floor and rolled under the couch to do – you know – what normal horny teenagers do.
After a moment, the couple reappeared in the living room, their hair and clothes all messed up. They were both out of breath and when they heard someone knocking on their apartment door, they could just gasp.
Without permission, a certain S.T.A.R.S. member known as Chris Redfield or the blue sumo boy entered the place with such enthusiasm that it would wake up your grand-grandma in her grave.
"HEY CLAIRE!! YOUR BIG BRO IS HERE!!" shouted the man, almost running in the apartment. He then stopped on his tracks when he saw Claire and Steve in the living room.
Claire's heart skipped a beat when she realized her attire as well as Steve's. "Oh shit…" she thought.
"Heeeyyyyy…." started her brother, narrowing his eyes. "You two were pillow-fighting?? Can I join you?? Can I??" asked the man, jumping like a puppy that its master would be wavering a stick in front of its nose.
The two teenagers slowly looked at each other and grinned sheepishly.
"Oh well, these wedding preparations will come afterwards…" thought the brunette girl.
"Tip toe through the tulips with meeeeeee….mmmoouuaaaahahahahaaaaaah!!!" cantoned Alfred Ashford while taking his bath.
"Alfred!! Enough of that!" echoed the blonde beauty bitch's voice from another room.
"Don't you see it, Mr. Duck? That little whippet is sometimes getting on my nerves. I can't even sing when I'm taking a bath!" explained Alfred to his friend, the yellow plastic duck. And, surprisingly, the duck was actually replying to the Ashford heir. Speak of something weird…
On the other hand, Alexia Ashford, the future bride, was clumsily dancing in her bedroom with her wedding dress on.
"Oh my, oh my! I can't wait to get married and conquer the world!! Muwahahahahahaaa!!!" she evilly giggled- yes, giggled- because it's even more evil.
The woman then stood in front of her mirror, watching her reflection with such adoration. "Mirror, oh mirror! Tell me who's the most beautiful and evil woman in the world?"
"Leon Scott Kennedy"
"…"
"I'm serious."
"…"
"Really."
"…well, I have always wondered if he was gay," finally said the blonde woman.
"Go ask him and his good friend Luis Sera."
"I will," replied the woman, turning her back to the mirror. "And, by the way…I am the most beautiful and evil woman in this world!"
"Wa—waaaaiittttt…!!! Arrrghhhh!"
"ALEXIA! WHAT HAPPENED??" yelled Alfred who just burst into her bedroom.
"Oh, nothing…" said the woman, taking off her dress.
"But…the mirror…" whispered Alfred, looking at the exploded object.
Alexia sighed, putting her dress on her bed. "Alfred, just go back playing with your duck.
The twin pouted for a second and then noticed that his sister was naked. Her wedding dress was carefully lying on her mattress.
"Alexia…can I….hum…try on your dress?" asked the man.
"NO! Just go away, Alfred!"
The cross-dressing freak, that title warily chosen by the hot catastrophe known as Claire Redfield, obeyed to his twin and returned to the bathroom.
"Just you wait…I'll try that magnificent dress on no matter what…haaahahahahaaaaah!!!
"SHUT UP ALFRED!!"
To be continued!!
A/N: Yay! First chapter! Let me tell you something: this is just pure randomness and stupidities. You don't have to take this story seriously. And I am sorry if you're offended that I make fun of your favourite characters. Don't take me wrong, I like all the RE characters, some more than others. But I make fun of all of them, because I like them. Maybe I won't make fun of Steve as much as the other characters, cuz, poor kid, not a lot of people like him and he deserves respect. But what about Chris and Leon? Everybody loves them! That's why it's so fun to make them silly and funny. So please, don't come and tell me : "Why are you bashing that character! He's cool! I love him!" I'm bashing no one in this story. This is just pure fun and crack. And no one will be spared, so don't be angry! And, thanks for reviewing, I really like that, you know. I didn't even receive one review for the last chapter that I updated and it makes me feel a bit...ignored. So, please, pleasure me! And by the way, the song that Alfred is singing is "Tip toe thru' the tulips" by Tiny Tim. That song is just...incredibly silly!