Chapter 12

"Signal to Noise"

"Peter, mein freund, you need to relax. They will be all right. You know this," said Kurt in his most reassuring tone. His large friend had been pacing back and forth since Kitty's call, encased in his armored form. There was a nervous energy about him, bespeaking a strong desire for action. He lay a three-fingered hand on Piotr's shoulder, and gestured with his other, "Now, please, get out of your changeform. You are frightening the children."

The students of Xavier's were nervously milling in the hallway, casting wary glances at the hulking figure. Colossus was staring into the distance, his fists clenched tight. For a moment, he just stood there, brow furrowed, face twisted into a scowl. Then, with agonizing slowness, his eyes closed and, with a distinctive flash, organic steel was replaced by flesh and bone. With an almost audible sigh of relief, the tension in the hall noticeably diminished.

"Da, you are right. It does little to quiet the mind, to know that such men are still out there. I would prefer to be there with Katya."

"Careful Peter, people might think you still care," laughed Kurt.

The Russian's shoulder's sagged, "It is not a very good joke, friend Kurt. You know that I care for her. Very deeply." He walked over to a window and gazed out at a small hill in the distance.

"My apologies. I did not mean to hurt you." He frowned, hesitant. With a faint shrug, he continued, "But in that vein, I worry that you are hurting yourself. And our Kätzchen as well."

Peter's face fell, "It seems that even in my best efforts I cannot help but hurt those I love." He paused, struggling with some untold weight. "You saw earlier a picture of my greatest shame, the first time I betrayed and hurt Katya. My second was the night I nearly murdered that Wisdom person, and broke her heart yet again. Even more than my betrayal of all of you to join Magneto. I have talked with Dr. Campbell, and I realize that the brain damage I had suffered and my grief led me to that point, but he could not help me understand why I continue to hurt this woman I purport to care so much about. Am I just some selfish ass who thinks only of his own needs..."

"Peter, I did not say..."

"Please, tovarisch, let me speak. I seldom try to put things into words. I do not know if I have any to express my sorrow. But during my confinement by Ord, I had much time to think. I remember how I came to Muir Island that night. It was... perhaps two weeks after the battle against Sarah's Gene Nation. It had felt good- very good- to fight alongside my comrades again, but I knew I had no place with them. Not then, no matter what Ororo had said."

His face was tense with the recollections, "I first tried to reconnect with my art, but had not been able to pick up a brush. So I spent what funds I had to go to Paris, to go to museums. I found no solace in the works there, not even among the great masters in the Louvre. I considered returning to my homeland. I have a few remaining relatives there." A bitter twist had joined his already somber tone. He was a man for whom family had always been paramount, and had suffered much. His parents had been brutally murdered by his government. The brother he had idolized, thought lost to an explosion, then found again, but totally mad, and then lost once more.. And then the tragic death of his younger sister to the very disease he'd later given his life to cure.

Drinking coffee,
Have to stay awake and think of you.
Aching awfully,
Knowing my perceptions aren't true.
If you were what I've made you,
Not as your acts betrayed you
How could I keep away?
But things still lead me on,
A word, and then it's gone.
What lives here, and what's stray?
Tell me please, what's signal and what's noise?

Kitty's mind was focused on a single image. Sitting on a hill, hugging her knees, as the man with whom she had planned to spend the rest of her life tore out her heart and shattered her dreams. The memory stood out among a montage of her history with one Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin. Rachel saw this much clearly- it was a lodestone around her friend's neck, standing in the way of her personal growth. Coupled with the bitterness of her parents' divorce, it went a long way towards explaining the lack of success in her love life.

Rachel wasn't even sure how to begin. Kitty was singing along to the CD, a throaty sound tinged heavily with sorrow. The few tentative psi touches she'd made hadn't been rebuffed so much as lost in the background. It seemed well nigh impossible to even get a thought in, but this wasn't a moment that would easily come again.

So, um, Peter... Rachel pushed past the mnemonic cobwebs to ensure that she was being received.

What about him? Kitty's thoughts were harsh, defensive. Rachel could feel the psi-shields learned from the Professor about to snap into place, but then, sensing her friend's shock at such a brusque reply, Kitty added in a more conciliatory manner, I'm sorry, Ray. I just don't know what there is to say about him anymore. I don't even know what to think about him...

Why don't you tell me what you know, and maybe we can figure out where we go from there?

Kitty sniffled a bit. What's there to know? He dumped me for the memory of some dead alien that he couldn't even communicate with. Oh, he still cared, but he just didn't love me anymore. So we both got hurt, and then we both almost died in that massacre down in the tunnels. We spent months recuperating on Muir- starting talking again, connecting. But then he goes off wandering and ends up in Dallas just in time to die with the rest of the X-men. But, of course, thanks to Roma, that weren't really dead, or they were back pretty damn quick in any event. They just went to Australia to play covert vigilante strike force. Never letting us know that they were alive. Then the big lug ends up reborn as "Peter Nicholas", famous Soho painter, and hooks up with Callisto of all people. At least he was at peace- God, I envy him that- until Shadow King pulled him back in. Then he got hurt in the fight with the X-Cutioner, then Illyana... got sick. And then she...

The young woman stopped to wipe away the free flowing tears. Rachel stifled an irrational surge of jealousy at the mention of Kitty's "other" best friend, as her companion continued her thought. I still wonder that... if we'd put her in the Shi'ar device- kept her alive until the cure was found...

"I was not ready to go to Russia. There are too many ghosts there. It occurred to me that while I had not been receptive at the time, those of you in Excalibur had helped me- healed me, up at Muir. I came to think that perhaps you would welcome me again, allow me to take time. To think about what I should do. And so one morning I headed off for Scotland."

"On foot?"

"Da. It was another poor decision, I know."

"Peter, that must have taken weeks!" Kurt exclaimed. To walk from Paris to Muir, an island off the northwest coast of Scotland, was a truly incredible feat, even factoring in the Russian's prodigious stamina.

"Not so long, tovarisch, as I walked straight through. Perhaps a little over eight days. I cannot be entirely sure. It was, I confess, not the most pleasant way to cross the English Channel. I am happy to report that the Institute's duffel bags are quite waterproof."

Nightcrawler did some quick calculations in his head. He stared at Colossus with wide yellow eyes. "Even still, that's well over seven hundred miles. Over a week of walking- without sleep? I know that you do not seem to tire in your armored form, but still... your brain still requires rest."

With a deep sigh, Piotr nodded gravely. "There is more, I fear. When I set out for Muir, I believe it was with the best of intentions- to see my friends again and hopefully find a place where I could try to put my life back together. I remembered our time as patients there after the events in the Morlock tunnels fondly." He paused, with a crooked smile crossing his face, "Perhaps 'fondly' is too strong a word. Dr. MacTaggart was a stern taskmistress, and Callisto also. Some of their rehabilitation exercises left me longing for early Danger Room training. And certainly there was nothing good about the circumstances that brought us there. But I had been there with you, and Katya. Not that you remember, of course, since you were still in a coma when I returned to the X-men."

"Returned to die, as I recall," the blue furred German said, his fangs clenched. "The first thing I hear upon awakening is that you- and Ororo, and Logan and the rest, had perished on live television. Kitty was devastated."

"It was hard for us, too. It was Ororo's thought to protect our loved ones by feigning our deaths, to better strike at our enemies, to avenge those who had died and stop future massacres."

Kurt shook his head sadly, "So many months wasted. So much tragedy in the Inferno that resulted from that simple decision. It was not, I fear, one of our wind rider's best."

Piotr's eyes were downcast, "Nyet, if we had stayed in touch, perhaps I could have aided my Illyana Nikolievna in her time of need..."

"Bygones, Peter. There is nothing to be done for it now," came Kurt's grave reply, clearly seeking to avoid playing "what if?" "You were saying how you'd felt welcome at Muir, and were walking."

"Yes. It had been my thinking that Muir might welcome me again. As mile after mile passed, I began to wonder if I had not made yet another error in judgement. Logan had called me traitor, turncoat; and so I had been. What if you and Rachel and Dr. MacTaggart- and Katya- felt the same? I considered turning back, somewhere around Manchester, but I did not know where else to go. I tried to remember the day my head injury was healed, for some hint as to what I might expect upon arriving. As you may expect, some of my memories of that day were somewhat hazy. I remembered petitioning Exodus to go and retrieve Katya, believing her story. There was anger when I realized she had deceived me. Then I woke up and she was saying it would be all right. I remember her holding me as I wept. There was a commotion- I realized that you were fighting my fellow Acolytes over me. I had given my word, and I would not have people get injured over me. And so I chose to return to Avalon, of my own free will."

Kurt stroked his chin, "But first... before you left, Kitty kissed you."

"Da," the large man nodded, the beginning of a blush creeping across his cheeks. "It was... a very memorable kiss. Like the ones from when we were younger, but more adult. I thought about that kiss when I was back on Avalon, full of regret for what would never be."

Interference
Or is that the broadcast that I've got?
Your appearance
Renders me incapable of thought

Here's your voice on the phone.
Your sweet and sullen tone,
What am I to believe?
Did you blow me a kiss
Or was that just tape hiss?
When I hang up, will you grieve?
Have pity, now, what's signal and what's noise

So, after Illyana passed away- God, what a meaningless phrase that is. Passed away? Taken away is more like it. Stolen away. Murdered by a sick, twisted disease engineered from the madness of a clone of your time displaced half-brother Cable. Incongruously, she laughed, but it was hollow, sardonic. Does that mean he's your step-clone? But anyway, after she died, Peter was inconsolable. He burned all his paintings- his life's work- except for a scant few I was able to save. He and I had spent the entire night after she'd died together by the pool, comforting each other. Or so I thought then. He was stuck in his armored form, it wasn't like he could cry or anything, and I know my eyes weren't too clear. Now I wonder, since he wasn't allowing himself to feel anything, if maybe he thought he was being there for me, out of some vague sense of obligation. For whatever reason, this tragedy reminded me how important both he and 'Yana were to me, and it made his betrayal- going over to Magneto- that much worse.

I can imagine, sent Rachel, You both needed to be there for one another right then, and he was too damn self-absorbed to see it. Yes, I know he was suffering from brain damage, but still... You were so sad when you returned to Excalibur. I tried my best to be there for you, we all did, but I know how much you were still hurting. Still, the look on the Professor's face when you snapped at him was priceless.

Well, he did have it coming! The corners of her mouth drifted upwards slightly at the memory, He had just asked me to trick a man who still meant a great deal to me, and whose sister I was still mourning. I have to admit that his plan did work- up to a point. We managed to heal his wound, I could be there as he released all that grief he'd had to keep bottled in. I thought- well, part of me did- that things might finally be OK. But I can't honestly say that I was surprised that he chose to honor his promise to Exodus and return to Avalon.

"Mmmmmmmm," Rachel spoke aloud, gleaning a measure of insight from the recollection of one tender, goodbye kiss. You may not have been surprised, but that didn't stop you from giving him a taste of what he'd be missing if he left, did it?

To her shame, Kitty felt her cheeks turn hot. Maybe a little... you don't think that he was obsessing over that the whole time he was up there, do you? I mean, it's really rather flattering and all, but it was just one kiss. It would certainly explain why he was a borderline psychotic when he arrived at Muir...

That would've been downright creepy! Rachel projected, But I was talking to Storm once- she was talking about some of the regrets she carried with her, and she was talking about some fight against Gene Nation, when she had to pull out Marrow's heart-

Now there's one death where I wouldn't have cried had it stuck joked Kitty.

Yeah, well, she'd said something about Petey kissing Callisto at the end of that caper. So I don't know how obsessed the big lug was at that point. What happened between there and Muir- how he even got to Muir- well, your guess is as good as mine.

Y'know Ray, that's always kinda bothered me as well. When we got in touch with the Institute after the - incident - with Pete, they seemed even more surprised than we were. I was so mad at him at the time I didn't realize they'd just fought alongside him, and he'd been just fine. I was still angry several days later when he'd tried to talk about things... I wasn't in any mood for excuses until Pete was fine again. I wonder now what he was trying to tell me, what possibly could have happened to him.

I could always sneak in and rummage around a bit. Rachel's thoughts were arched, with a mischievous glint, When I was first learning to use my telepathy, I was encouraged to use Uncle Petey as a guinea pig. He didn't have as many layers of subtext to everything that the rest of you did. It wasn't that he was stupid- you know that- it was just that his thoughts weren't as complicated with self rationalizations and other secrets that we hide from ourselves. There were some rather naughty thoughts about you- Aunt Kate, that is- but the Professor would have me steer clear when I came across those. Not that I didn't pick up a pointer or two...

Kitty was blushing furiously. She'd always felt a bit uncomfortable about that aspect of Rachel's life. Her best friend had grown up in an alternate timeline. It was one where Peter had never been abducted by the Beyonder and fallen for some alien, one where the two of them had stayed together- gotten married, had children. One where he'd never broken her heart. Part of her- a tiny, childish part- envied that other self, and she had long outgrown such pettiness. Kate Pryde- the one from Rachel's world- lived in a nightmare that she couldn't possibly fathom, one that could only be compared to the horrors her people had suffered in the Holocaust. And had Peter stayed faithful, she would never have trained under Logan, never have met Alishdair Kinross or Pete Wisdom. And she knew she was a better person for that. A little rougher, a little nastier, a little dirtier, certainly, but what had once been naive pluck and chutzpah had been tempered into steely resolve and will.

She did, however, make a mental note to have Peter work on his mental defenses. Just in case they did end up together despite the odds, and in case an enterprising young telepath wanted to practice.

I heard that! Rachel sent, It seems that you haven't been able to entirely dismiss reconciliation, at least as a possibility.

You can hardly blame me! Kitty's thought were defensive. There are forces way beyond my control here. Every time I thought I'd moved on, he would come exploding back into my life. I mean, I no sooner return from Japan where I'd gone to get away from him, and then Arcade kidnaps the two of us for one of his stupid games. Just us. I don't know if he knew about the breakup or not- he's just the sort to get his jollies pairing up two former lovers like that. All I know is that I wanted to kill that evil little prick.

The young brunette's mind seethed with uncharacteristic anger. She took a deep breath and tried to relax. I did get a bit of guilty pleasure out of it, making a fool out of the big guy. And it was nice to have him demonstrate that he still cared.

"So, this kiss... it resonated in you? Is that why-?" Kurt struggled to find the right words. "I do not mean to bring up a painful memory..."

"Too many of my memories are so. It made for difficult days when I was imprisoned." Peter paused, to gather his thoughts, "I do suppose I thought more and more of that kiss as I walked through Northern England and into Scotland. At first, I told myself that it was just a simple kiss goodbye. We had been friends a long time, despite my past poor treatment of her. She flew in from England to care for poor Illyana without hesitation, to be there for her when my duties as an X-men kept calling me away. I do not believe I ever truly thanked her, so overwhelmed as I was with grief and anger. After such behavior, it did not make sense for one kiss to mean more than that. I would try to put it out of my head. As I walked, memories would come unbidden, and seemed to take on new meaning. I remembered how Katya and I were married in Rachel's future. I remember her stealing glances from time to time, such as when my costume was destroyed by Arcade. I tried to convince myself that it was so long ago, that she was still young."

Kurt hesitated to speak, not wanting to stop the momentum of his normally laconic friend.

The large man continued, "I began to think of all the times she would save me. Ha! The beautiful princess rescuing the knight in armor. She offered to marry Caliban to save me after my encounter with the Brotherhood. She rescued me when I was underground against Nimrod and the Hellfire Club. She even tried to save me from my folly, protecting a painting of Illyana that I would dearly have missed. And even in carrying out Gospodin Xavier's ploy to draw me down to the island to heal my injury, certainly once again she was trying to save me. This tiny girl- this remarkable young woman- had been my own guardian angel for a long time, and I, for the most part, had been less than grateful. I began to wonder how she could continue to be so good to me. Could it be that she, somehow, miraculously, somehow still loved me? For many, many miles, I would scarcely allow myself to even consider it. She was a friend, nothing more. But what if, I asked myself, she still desired what we had together?"

Kurt grabbed hold of both of his friend's arms, "Mein Gott! It was all a fraud! Ord has clearly given us a decoy! Sinister must have created a clone! Piotr Nikolaevitch Rasputin has not spoken so much in his entire life!"

With that, he laughed, "I do not mean to interrupt you, but you were getting quite tense there."

"Just a little," agreed Piotr with a nod. "As I recount those days, it is easy to see where I went wrong. da? The longer I walked, the more I convinced myself that Katya had been waiting, would still be waiting for me. I began to think my sins of the past, casting aside my love for her for the memory of poor, doomed Zsaji, had been somehow wiped away, and that somehow the loss of my family could be balanced by starting a new family with her. I would daydream how we would be reunited. She would be on that one outcropping, facing south where you can see the mainland. I would sneak up behind her-"

"Sneak up on Kitty? You? Even you must have realized how utterly and completely unrealistic that was. I would think that would have reminded you it was all a fantasy..."

Piotr smiled, "I know now. At the time- not so much. Logan certainly has taught her well. But then, in this waking dream, it was much more... romantic. It was, as you say, a fantasy, after all. So to continue, I would approach her from behind and ask her why she was so sad, and she would turn around, and run to me and embrace me, and ask me if I was real, and I would say that I was, that I had returned and that we had shed enough tears, and I would ensure that there was no more need."

Kurt groaned audibly, "Ever the romantic, Peter? Remind me to give you a lesson or three on how to properly woo a woman. It generally requires a dish with significantly less cheese."

"You are perhaps offering a course? I do not remember such an entry in the curriculum, when I was a student. It might have made my life easier."

"It's advanced study, I admit, but I would happily grant you an exemption to correct such egregious behavior."

Piotr laughed, "Spaceeba, my friend. Perhaps I may have need in the future for such learning. It certainly would have added some better dialogue to my daydreams, if not in real life. It seems odd to think on it now, how I created so many of these vignettes during that journey, each more ridiculous than the last. At the first, she and I would just resume our friendship, and later start with one romantic date, leading to more, and then eventually... well, you can gather the rest. But that took too long, since she clearly had been waiting for me for so many months. It ended up that I would just drop to one knee and propose right there on the bluff."

The image of Piotr, on bended knee, still dripping wet from walking from the Scottish mainland, overtook Nightcrawler, "Mein Gott, Peter, I think I am finally beginning to understand your actions that night. By the time you reached us, your sleep-deprived mind had probably already passed beyond the proposal. You may have even been suffering the delusion that you were already wed- that she would accept must have become a mere formality. "

Peter could only nod, sadly, his giant frame deflated with a nearly visible aura of shame.

Kurt's yellow eyes were aglow with comprehension, "So, when you saw Kitty kissing Wisdom, what had been a certainty for several days in your head suddenly came crashing down all around you. You were hysterical, and you took it out on Herr Wisdom. It also serves to explain your nearly incoherent speech, and your clumsy movements. Your body may not fatigue, but your mind certainly did. That probably saved his life."

"It does not excuse my actions, tovarisch. I nearly killed a man out of my own stupidity- in a jealous fit over a woman who I had no claim to, save the remnants of friendship," the Russian said, "Had I but rested one night in Stornoway, I may have come to my senses, been able to see her as she was- a friend, not a lover or wife. I could have avoided all that guilt that plagues me to this day."

"Again, Peter, you cannot allow these memories to define your relationship with Kitty. What is it that those financial commercials say?- 'Past performances does not guarantee future results." That was then; surely now is something different."

Piotr did not appear to be listening. "Perhaps, if things had been right between us, I could have been a better friend to Katya back then. I might have been able to provide comfort and advice about breaking the news of the incident during her time at SHIELD to Wisdom, so that she could learn from my mistakes. It grieved me to see her hurt so. And I was in sore need of her counsel when dear Meggan developed that unfortunate 'crush' on me before Brian returned."

"You need to let those memories go, mein freund, Kurt said, laying a gentle hand on the larger man's shoulder, "Perhaps it is an advantage of my faith, but it is a concept that you must learn- to forgive yourself. Even the vaunted strength of Colossus cannot bear the weight of self-recrimination forever."

Here's your photo,
I found it cleaning out my bottom drawer.
When you wrote, oh,
I couldn't keep from wondering what for.

Through the gray, through the grain,
A picture taken in the rain,
That doesn't show your face.
Connected dots don't make a line,
You confuse me every time.
Confusion has its place.

But just this once, what's signal and what's noise?

So, all of this stuff with Peter went down after I left. What was he like when he joined up with Excalibur?

Kitty frowned a bit, collecting her thoughts in a dazzle of images. You know, that's a good question. At first I didn't want to have anything to do with him after what he'd done. I would be polite and all, talk to him- he was my teammate again and he'd been through a lot. It was much later when I realized that after I had told him that Pete was really good to me, that he had accepted it without question. We never really spent that much time together, and when we did, it was just the same old X-men banter. I was a little suspicious, but also very worried, because he'd taken to brooding a lot, which was so unlike him. Before, he'd either go to paint or do some menial labor or just go vent some aggression by smashing stuff. Pete said he was just being Russian, but he didn't know Piotr like I did. It wasn't normal at all. I knew he was hurting, I knew he had all this pain to work through. And I also knew that while I was being young and in love, all of the sudden other members of Excalibur- Rahne, Rory, Meggan- had grown closer to him than I was. Piotr and I were still friends- I'd become more assured of that the longer he went without breaking Pete in half- but not close ones. Pete certainly was jealous that Piotr and I shared this former intimacy, and I was at least a little jealous of that my teammates were closer to Piotr than I was.

Did that have anything to do with your breakup? Rachel queried. You mentioned before that you felt Wisdom was being controlling. Were you blaming him for the diminished state of your friendship with Colossus?

No. thought Kitty, decisively. But the assurance wavered, and she continued, Or, if I did, I would've been wrong to think that way. I was with Pete by my own choice. He never made me do anything. And the moment he did- trying to keep me away from S.H.I.E.L.D.- was the beginning of the end of us.

Yeah, I can totally see that. Rachel sat listening to the music for a while, staring ahead, wondering if Kitty would continue or if she would need to be prodded more. Deciding to return to the main topic for this discussion, she sent a thought, It still doesn't make any sense to me. For Peter to come all that way for you, apparently completely obsessed to the point of nearly killing a man he never met, and then just to give it up like that? Are you sure he wasn't just playing the "best friend" card, to stay in your confidence and just be a contrast to Wisdom?

Kitty chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip, lost in memories of that period. Not that I can recall. As I said, he spent a lot of his time alone or with the other members of Excalibur. And if he became more and more of "Petey Pureheart", well, you know, that's just how he was.

Was he possessed by the Shadow King again?

No, that was after the so called Psi War. Shadow King was imprisoned by Psylocke at that point.

War Skrull?

Will you be serious?

Sorry, Kate, I got nothing! Rachel projected mild exasperation, If it really matters, you could, you know, ask him.

Kitty fell silent, but a feeling of hesitancy and an image of Peter's face flickered across her mind. Yeah, that'll happen. "Gee, Peter, remember that time on Muir when I hated your guts for a week or so? And how I told you that I didn't give a damn why you did what you did or what the hell you were thinking, and that we just had to try to ignore it and move on for the sake of the team? Well, I was wondering, you know, why did you do it, and what were you thinking?" I can't reopen those wounds, Ray. I don't think it's a good place to put him in right now, and I'm not sure it would be a good place for me, either. I know he needs me, and I guess, for the moment, I should just be happy with that.

Dammit, Kitty, you aren't happy! Not by a long shot. When I came back from the Savage Land and saw you two together in our room, yeah, I was mad, I admit it. Partly because of my mom, but also because you looked so cozy together. I really thought that you two were already a couple again, and I thought the idea sucked. It was too soon, and I wasn't ready to give you up just yet. But that was ages ago. And if anything, you seem more confused, and much, much less happy. You got pulled back into this life. You're once again fighting for a dream that you isn't yours, not really, not anymore. And now you are allowing yourself to be jerked around by Peter, and you are so better than that. Last I checked, you were Shadowcat, not Shadowpuppy. Rachel was fuming, her frustration saturating her thoughts. Girlfriend, you can't let that man take advantage of you like this. Or let him take you for granted at all.

Please don't pull an Oprah on a girl from Dearborn, Rachel. It won't play. Kitty replied, Still, I can't deny that you may have a point.

Just one?

All right, all right, I concede that you have put quite a bit of thought into this. More than I have, apparently.

Taking her eyes off the road a moment to glance at her friend, Rachel's face took on a quizzical look. Kitty, you're one of the brightest people I've ever met. How could you not have thought this through?

I've been a little busy, OK? Teaching, giving snot-nosed children detention, saving the world, finding dead ex-boyfriend's alive in basements, you know how it is.

Yeah, or maybe you're afraid of what the answers to your questions might be.

Looking out at the passing scenery, Kitty sent, You know what scares me the most?

Please. I'm a telepath. You're practically screaming it at me. But I think you need to at least think it consciously- to make sure that you've admitted it to yourself.

Kitty's eyes grew wide. The thought she tried to keep scattered and indistinct to avoid facing it suddenly coalesced into crystal clarity. I'm scared that I do love him and that he still loves me, but it isn't enough, that we just both end up hurting each other again. I don't want to end up like my mom and dad. I can't, Ray. I don't know if I could survive that.

Rachel could only nod sadly. She knew Kitty was strong enough, but could easily see why it would not be worth the risk for her. Heaven knew there were events she would move time and space rather than reliving. I can't tell you what to do, Kit. I'm sorry, but you're on your own here. But I do know you're the strongest person I know when in a crisis, and I've never known you to go wrong when you've followed your heart…

Clearly, you don't remember the whole Seth thing very well. Gah, that was so incredibly shallow of me. Sure he had a great mind, was incredibly handsome, and could shake it on the dance floor like nobody's business, but he was also an evil supremacist who nearly killed all my friends. She paused a moment, a blush returning to her cheeks, Then again, that may not have been my heart leading me astray there…

Nevertheless, Kitty, you are going to have to make a decision. Quite frankly, I'm too good a friend to let you tear yourself apart like this, and my Summers blood will not allow you to be a liability to the team because your head isn't in the game. You don't necessarily need to make it now, and by all means, if you want to involve Peter do so, but you need to figure out just what the bloody hell is going on there between you, and you need to do it soon.

With a start, Kitty glanced around and realized that they were in familiar Westchester surroundings. They were a few minutes away from home, maybe time for one last song. She was shaken, and felt that old familiar dread in the pit of her stomach. She knew Rachel was right- she was tearing herself up over it, and before Dr. McCoy started prescribing ulcer medication, she needed to do something about it, once and for all. To go visit the road once traveled, or to abandon it forever.

"OK, Ray," she spoke aloud, "You're right. I've made up my mind."

"The weight, it is not so heavy a burden, my friend," Piotr spoke. "If I never forget how much I hurt Katya in the past, then it protects her from being hurt again in the future. I will not do that again. I cannot."

Nightcrawler mumbled a small prayer to St. Jude for intercession on his friend's behalf. "Love," he began, "is never without hurt, because life is not without hurt. Pain is a risk any time we open ourselves up to one another. But you cannot just close off your heart to us all and never let us in. You are one of the kindest men I know, you have so much to give, I implore you not to lock it away, only to be expressed through your art. You have to be strong enough to let yourself live again. To love again. Please, Peter, promise me you'll try, at the very least, to talk to Kitty about your feelings."

"I do not wish to burden-"

Kurt cut him off, "Peter, stop making excuses. It really doesn't become you. I'm asking you, for all our sakes, to just make an effort to talk to her, can you please do that?"

"But-"

"Peter. Please. Just talk to her."

The large Russian could no longer meet his friend's gaze, and his eyes focused on an non-confrontational speck of dust on the floor in the hall. "Da, I will try."

Author's Note: Been a long time. Most of this was done, but unassembled. Heck, it's pretty bad when there have been two issues of Astonishing since your last update.

Thanks to all my reviewers, and a special thanks to Amokitty for all she's done to give Kiotr 'shippers a place to call home (ask her about her site! Or the lj community maintained by her and anhayla!), but also to everyone who has entertained and inspired me. I apologize for my tardiness.

One more song, and two more chapters to go.