Chapter 13

"More Thumbscrews"

"So, are you going to share this monumental, life-altering decision with your best friend, or just leave the audience in suspense?" Rachel asked, her voice thick with barely restrained curiosity.

"I," Kitty paused, and licked her lips, "I'm going to ask him. Talk to him about it." Her voice carried the weight of absolute conviction, until it suddenly dropped a bit as she added, "Eventually."

"Kitty!" complained her fiery haired companion, exasperated. "How can you do that to me? Give me hope that you are finally ready to deal with that steel albatross around your neck, and then pull out an 'eventually'? What are you pulling here?"

"Hey, give me a moment to explain. You're the one who was worried that I would allow him to jerk me around. If I were to talk to him today- right now- it wouldn't be as equals. This whole car ride has crystallized the idea that he's still very important to me- possibly, and I don't want you to take this wrong, Ray, because I love you dearly and can't imagine you not being in my life, but it is possible that he's the most important person in my life right now. And I don't know what he feels. I think I scared him, coming on so strong after the whole Benetech thing. 'I think it's why I'm here.' No wonder he feels I'm smothering him."

"You don't know that, Kitty," Rachel pointed out, "I mean, has he said it to you? You could just be reading into things."

Kitty laughed, "Has he said it? C'mon! I'm sorry, Ray, but this is Peter we're talking about- long dissertations on his feelings have never been his forte. Back when we were closer, yeah, sometimes- when I would let him get a word in edgewise. But seriously, how hard is it to translate, 'Oh, nyet, Katya, I would not take your free time up so'? And after I'd clearly indicated that I wanted to spend time with him, too."

Her green eyes rolled behind her sunglasses. "I concede that it sounds a bit like a brush off. From just about anyone else. But we are talking about Petey Pureheart here, not just, like, a normal guy. Do the normal rules apply? Peter couldn't bluff his way out of a paper bag with four aces-"

"You've never played him in poker, I see. Although his best game is gin."

"You know what I'm saying, Kitty. He really doesn't lie very well, not about the important stuff, anyway. He gets all stone faced and his eyes won't meet yours." She shot a glance over at her friend, "I'm just saying that you need to keep more of an open mind here."

"I just think that I scared him." Kitty said, her voice pensive. "He'd been locked away with no contact for a couple years, and his ex-girlfriend starts talking about how she was meant to find him. That's a heavy trip to lay on anyone, let alone someone who'd been imprisoned and tortured for so long."

"He's a big boy, Kit. He'll get over it. And all in all, everything you've done for him, well, he definitely owes you one."

"So," Kurt inquired, "does it settle your mind at all, to have made this choice? I know you are still going through quite a lot, that you have much to reflect on, but doesn't it help to have at least the promise of resolution for one of those things?"

"Da," came the quiet reply. "Nyet. I truly do no know, my friend. Knowing where I stand with Katya would certainly quiet some concerns I have, but what that answer may be- it terrifies me. Both the not knowing what she will say, what she feels as not being able to properly communicate what I feel in return. It is… comfortable where things stand between us right now. We talk about much. She helps me explore what happened those long months, and I am safe with her. I do not forget to thank her for this, and I try not to impose too much outside the time we have set aside."

His eyes showed concern. "It would pain me to lose that."

"I understand that, Peter. But even you know that this situation will soon become untenable. With your history, the illusion of a therapy/patient relationship cannot stand for long. For one, one of the things we all love about our Katchzen is her joy and optimism. It may have taken some hits in the past few years- your death being part of that- but it is still there." Kurt stroked his chin reflexively, "I feel that she misses that in her life. She's trying so hard to be an adult, as she did in Excalibur, that she is not taking the time to enjoy those things that help her relax. It is good that she is out with Rachel right now, and I hope she is enjoying herself immensely."

"And you are thinking- what? That I am preventing her from enjoying herself? Why do think I declined her invitation to coffee today? I see how our sessions must weigh upon her, and I did not wish for her entire day to be so grim."

"You are missing the point, Peter," replied Kurt. "She invited you to join her in something fun, and you declined. I would think she might want to see you in an environment that isn't a therapy session or a battle with some megalomaniac in a garish costume. Surely you do not want her entire experience with you to be entirely mired in negativity?"

"No!" exclaimed Piotr quickly, turning back towards his blue-furred companion. "That was not my intention! I just-" he paused, and swallowed, "I just do not know. You have given me much to think about, tovarisch."

"It's about time!" Kurt laughed, "I do not mean to offend, for in some ways it is over-thinking that has led you astray here, but I do hope you can try to look at things a bit differently for a change- say, perhaps, a viewpoint about a foot or so shorter?"

Piotr felt himself smile in spite of himself. "I will try. Now, if you will excuse me, there is someone else I need to talk to, someone whose advice would be as welcome as yours has been."

With that, the large man walked towards one of the doorways leading to the back of the mansion. Kurt watched him leave through suspicious eyes, then shrugged and turned to go, almost running into Logan.

"Heavy talk with the kid, elf?"

"Ja. We were discussing… things." Kurt answered, not wanting to drag another person into the discussion.

The short man sniffed the air, "Affairs of th' heart, I imagine. Can't think of much else would make the big guy sweat like that." He inhaled deeply from his cigar, eyes lost in thought. "Y'know Kurt, it ain't our place to tell those two kids what to do."

If Nightcrawler was surprised that his teammate had easily surmised the topic of their conversation, he did not let it show. "I would have thought you would approve, considering how you dealt with Peter when he ended their previous relationship."

"I got no regrets 'bout that, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, he hurts that girl again." Gleaming adamantium claws shot forth with a chilling "snikt" sound to emphasize his point. "That ain't happening here, least not that I can tell. Kid's got other things on his mind from the looks of it, and I think he's tryin' to get his head on straight before he tries to figure out his heart."

The claws retracted with a "snakt".

Kurt paused, considering his friend's words. "I had not thought of it as meddling, but it seems that I may have. It is very hard to watch two people who care so much about one another dance around the issue and risk hurting themselves- and each other- through inaction."

The Canadian slowly exhaled a cloud of smoke. "Just what exactly have you been up to?"

"Right now, just talking with Peter about his feelings, getting some of the answers I'd always wondered about. I did make him promise to talk to Kitty about things other than his issues about his imprisonment. I was worried that they would begin to associate each other only with that overreaching gloom." Kurt explained, and then added, "Although… Kitty and Rachel may be joining us on a night out on the town later this evening."

"Damage may be done, then." Logan spoke in his gravelly voice. "We'll have to see what we can do to control the aftermath."

"Surely the situation is not so grave as that," laughed the blue-furred X-man. "We are not going on any sort of date with the lovely Ifrauleins/I, but just heading out to a bar or club to blow off some steam."

"Kurt, have I ever struck you as the sort of man who takes this sort of thing lightly? Count me in tonight. I think me and 'Ro are gonna have to babysit you, keep you out of trouble." Seeing his friend's mouth agape, he added with a half-smirk, "And don't call me Shirley."

The trees bowed to greet me as I passed by

Where those lucky enough to be wounded did lie

But I could keep walking and so I went on

I'd been by there before, but now I belonged

And thousands of demons stopped me to say

You have faltered and fallen and now you must pay

And they smiled so kindly, I thought they were wrong

Till they bound me and gagged me and pushed me along

Emma Bull's voice came slow and measured through the car's speakers. Rachel could see in her friend's thoughts an image of a young woman with long blond hair- Illyana Rasputin, before her death from Legacy, even before she had miraculously regained the childhood stolen away by the evil sorcerer Belasco. It was a picture of a beautiful, teenaged girl full of life, wearing the classic yellow and black New Mutants uniform, her Soulsword blazing in her hand. Those blue eyes- so like, and yet so unlike her brother's- were mischievous, and her mouth had the hint of a sardonic smile, as if she'd just leveled a withering comment at her opponent.

It's kinda like you and your mom. Kitty thought, startling Marvel Girl. You were saying earlier how your mom is still with you. 'Yana is with me, too. I can picture her in my head, I can hear her voice, letting me know when I'm acting like a brat or a snob. When Styker captured me, she helped me pull myself together. Well, her and Pete, anywayr. I had this fantasy that the two of them were happy together, reunited in heaven, and that when my time was done, I would get to join them. She still is my conscience in many ways. Somewhat ironic, given that she was sixty percent demon sorceress.

Well, if she's your Jiminy Cricket, I'd say she's fallen down on the job, at least in light of your current situation. Rachel deliberately kept the thought light, hoping it wouldn't come across as snide or jealous.

Be nice. Kitty chided her, I have to admit, Illyana had a bit of a blind spot about her brother. I think she always wanted us to be together. She was absolutely furious at him over the Zsaji thing, and I think that was partly because she thought he was a complete idiot and was hurting himself as much as me. Do you remember that sort she told us at the campfire- "Lockheed the Space Dragon and his pet girl Kitty"? You know, where she updated the story I'd told her back when she was young, and turned it into a parallel of what happen to me and Peter? She was trying to tell us both something. It'd be funny if somehow, we finally got the message, all these years later.

So Kate, Rachel sent, with a lump in her thoughts, Do you ever, y'know, with that it had been her and not me- I mean, well, not that Bogan needed a teleporter, but, but if you had the chance, to choose- between us-?

Kitty stifled a laugh as she became keenly aware of her friend's nervousness like pins and needles across their link. . What the hell kind of question is that? How could I ever choose between my two best friends? I have you back, Rachel, and I'm thankful for that. I'm not going to tempt whatever fate or malevolent demigod by engaging in speculation. I don't want to lose you again.

What about Peter?

Kitty paused. What wouldn't she have done on that first anniversary – the Yartzeit- to restore the big Russian lug to life? Or her father? Or Doug or Pete? She brow creased with a frown. It's still not a fair question. In some ways, I expected to see you again. You're the Phoenix- or you were. You escaped Mojo and I knew in my heart that you'd escape from the timestream too. Just as I'm sure part of me wouldn't be terribly shocked if a stepping disc appeared right now with 'Yana in the middle telling us to grab our credit cards for a Parisian shopping spree. But Peter? There was more of a finality to that. I scattered what I'd thought were his ashes to the Russian winds. Aside from Danny- that Chicago cop I'd told you about- I had made my peace with it. Same with my dad, with that video from Genosha. Or Doug… with – gah- well, let's just say that I have really good reason to know he's dead. I was so awful to poor Douglock- excuse me, Warlock- claiming that some part of Doug was still there, but I wanted Doug to be alive again. Pete's different- I mean, we just have the word of the kids from X-Force he died, right? In fact, if not for all of the others who'd died on me, maybe I'd have been more hopeful he'd make a return too.

"Forgive me, snowflake, I know that I am late. I have been talking with Kurt. He was trying to cheer me up."

Piotr knelt at the gravestone, and wiped away some maple seed helicopters that had settled upon it over the past day. He noted absently a small bouquet of wild flowers near the base.

"I am in a quandary, Illyana. I do not know what to do. I have made a foolish promise, I think, but I cannot break my word to my friend, can I? Anyway, I need to understand what I feel for Katya. I need to know how she feels. I need… that is, I wish that you were here, little snowflake. To tell me I am a dunce and that I should do what I know to be right. And then show me what that is."

A gentle hand rested lightly on the marker. "I miss the sound of the laughter you and Katya used to share, even at my expense. Our Katerina no longer has that laughter in her life, and I fear for her. She is very sad, I think, and what Kurt has said makes me wonder if I am not adding to this. She deserves a much better life than what is being given to her, and I could not bear to be part of the darkness that is denying her that. Perhaps I should leave the Institute? Nyet. You are right, Illyana Nikolievna. That would be just running away. And would probably serve to make matters worse. For all my faults, for all my mistakes and the harm I have done, I seem to be important to her."

He absently traced the snowflake design that adorned his sister's headstone with his finger. "Another thing to thank Katya for," he mused. "To make sure your resting place was a beautiful as you are, when I was mad with grief and injury. And I do not know how, little one. To thank her, to show gratitude for everything she has done for me. I say the words to her, nearly every day. But how to make her understand how grateful I am, how much she means to me? I haven't the words. Not for her. She is far too important for mere words to convey what needs to be said."

Piotr sank down into the soft grass, crossing his massive legs Indian style. "Things are so different from when you were with us. Do you know of what has happened? Do you see us still? Did you feel anger at me for how I behaved at your memorial, or how I reacted when I first met Katya's boyfriend? Was it truly a good thing I did, to cure the disease that took you away from me? Or is Kurt right, and I caused needless pain to my friends and there was a better way after all?"

He cleared his throat, "Do you forgive me, little snowflake? It seems I still cannot forgive myself. I have such dreams- nightmares of the room where I was imprisoned. Frightening scenes of death and destruction, and also, of hurting the people I love in terrible, unforgivable ways. I wake each night in a panic, soaked in sweat. I try to work myself to exhaustion every day, but it does not help much. I fear I must be poor company indeed."

There was the slightest sound of footsteps behind him, and a shadow flickered across his field of vision. With an exclamation, he reflexively transformed into his armored form, and turned to face the potential threat.

"Hullo, Peter," said a familiar face with short red hair., standing a few meters away. "It certainly has been a while."

I came to a place I'd seen many a time

They said to get in here you must have a crime

Guilty I said, though it took me a year

I have found hell and it's home and it's here

Then they stood up to greet me like I was a king

The carpet rolled out and the bells they did ring

The bulbs in the sockets they flickered and dimmed

I knew I was one by the strength of my sin

So, what would you do if that stepping disc did appear? You said you wouldn't be surprised if it happened, so are you actually prepared for it.

Kitty blinked several times. I don't think, even with everything the X-men have experienced, I don't see you ever preparing for it, expecting it. It hurts too much. It adds a sharp edge to that hole in your heart. So you bury it deep, and dread those moments that drag it to the surface. That movie you used to watch together, that scent of the person's favorite pizza. With a nod of her head towards the CD player, That song you hear on the radio. Those memories that just remind you how important they were to you, and just as often, the regrets you have, for all the missed opportunities to let them know what they meant- how you felt.

Rachel glanced over to find Kitty staring at her, eyes wide, heart open. She agreed with her friend on so many counts, and recent events had crystallized that. She wanted her mom- Jean- back. She knew, with a codename like Phoenix, it was, if not an inevitability, it was certainly a possibility that could not be discounted. And she knew she was trying hard to lock away any sort of expectation, the pain almost too much to bear. And there were all those triggers, arising from the ashes like her former namesake- "White Room" by Cream blaring through the speakers; the smell of hot cocoa, the mental touch from the holoempathic crystal around her neck.

You see what I mean, Ray? And you must know that because of this, because I now realize how little I cherished the people I have lost, and how I regretted never letting them know what they meant to me, I'm not going to let you go. Ever. Because even if I have Peter back, I still need you. Even if 'Yana, Doug, Pete and my father showed up at the door tomorrow, I would still want you in my life. And dammit, I need you to know that. These days where we were fighting were tearing me apart.

Me, too. It hurt like hell, and I didn't know how to make it better. Since when did you become the wise one in this equation, Kit?

Kitty laughed a bit at the role reversal, Just one more service I offer. Shopping buddy, computer hacker extraordinaire, barmaid, certified genius, and reader of hearts. Didn't you know?

"Rahne?" Piotr almost laughed in relief, "Is that you?"

"Of course it is, silly." Rahne responded with a grin, "Now git out of yuir steel shell and give us a proper hug."

Sheepishly he complied, swapping metal for all too vulnerable flesh. He scooped the small Scots girl up.

"I missed ye, y' big goof," she said, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing tight. "Almost enough t' forgive ye for that stupid stunt ye pulled. Here I was, having just lost my mum, and then one of my best friends goes and takes the verra life th' Lord gave him. I was good and cross with ye for a long time, Peter."

"Am I forgiven then?" There was something in the girl's manner that amused him greatly, and he found himself responding to the stern look on her face with a barely suppressed smile.

"Ye think I won't stay mad at ye, don't ye?" she challenged, "Ye figure ye kin jus' stroll back from Death's own door and all is forgiven? Well, I have some news for ye." The façade of anger melted away, and she returned his smile. "Yuir right. I am verra glad ye're back. And I guess that Kitty an' Kurt have already put the hard word t' ye, so I don't expect I have much to add." Her eyes became slightly pained, despite her grin. "Jus' don't be doing it again, OK?"

He tried to present his most reassuring face, and joked, "I think it is safe to say that if such thoughts were even to begin to imagine the very possibility of crossing my mind, I would not survive to complete the thought." Changing the subject, he added, "I have heard much of you since I returned… you are well, I hope?"

Rahne shifted to a slightly defensive posture. I dinnae think you could ha' heard anything good. Still, I'm doing well for myself. I'm working with Jamie and Guido as private investigators, a sort of mutant Magnum P.I.. We may nae be saving th' world like the X-Men, but we're fighting th' good fight in our own way- the little battles that never make it here t' Salem Center."

Peter nodded gravely, "It is often those little battles that are the most important. Certainly, the X-Men have won their share of the large ones, and yet we still seem to be losing the overall war." He paused, and rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. "As for what I have heard, the only words that matter are that you are missed here at the Institute. Have you come back to us?"

"Nay." Rahne smiled, "Yuir a good man, Peter, for saying that, but I think I am happier where I am now."

"I had hoped, when I saw you here… you are just visiting then?"

She indicated that she was, "I was here to visit yuir sister, actually. I didnae think I would find anyone here."

"My sister?" Peter repeated in a somewhat surprised voice. "Forgive me, little one. I had wondered about the flowers – you?"

The young woman nodded, "Aye. I try to visit poor wee Illyana and dear Dougie once a month or so, when I can, t' let them know that they haven't been forgotten. I saw ye sitting there, an' didnae mean t' disturb ye."

"I am never disturbed by a reunion of a dearly missed friend, Rahne."

She shielded her eyes and glanced at the position of the sun, "Och, it's getting late, an' I still need to go see Doug before I go back. Peter, it's been wonderful t' see ye," she said as she gave him another hug. "As I was saying, I didnae mean to overhear what ye were sayin' t' yuir sister, but if you'll forgive some unsolicited advice from a friend, I think yuir a far better man than you've given yuirself credit for. The good Lord knows we all make mistakes in life." She paused a moment and glanced at the headstone, "Look at yuir dear sister. She was corrupted by the foulest evil imaginable, but she overcame that and saved us all, an' sacrificed everything she was t' do it. I was scared of her, didnae trust her for the longest time, and she proved me wrong. I'll not forget that, and I try t' visit her, just to show how I miss her and admire her."

His eyes moist, Peter wordlessly enveloped the young woman in a tight embrace. He held it for a while, and then released. The redhead pulled him down and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. She whispered, "Kitty would be lucky t' have a man like you. Take care of yuirself."

With that, her form blurred, features morphing from human to wolf. She bounded away, powerful legs carrying her easily over the stout fence of the Institute.

"And you, my young friend, take care of yourself," he said in the direction of her parting form.

I came to a place I'd seen many a time

They said to get in here you must have a crime

Guilty I said, though it took me a year

I have found hell and it's home and it's here

Then they stood up to greet me like I was a king

The carpet rolled out and the bells they did ring

The bulbs in the sockets they flickered and dimmed

I knew I was one by the strength of my sin

Whoa… heavy stuff we've been dealing with here. Which I know was part of my plan, but we're back in town now, and we should probably make ourselves presentable before we inflict all the weapons at our disposal upon the male populace tonight...

"Oh my god!" Kitty said aloud, hands covering her mouth, "I totally forgot about that! What am I going to do? I don't think I can do it- not tonight, not after this. I wouldn't know what to say, how to act, it would be so weird- I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it. I mean, he barely ever smiles anymore and I'm sure Kurt's just dragging him out there and it's gonna be just like Lockheed at Brian and Meggan's wedding and even if we saw each other like that you shouldn't force people together, it just never works—"

Kate! Chill, girl! Rachel sent the thought like a splash of cold psychic water in her friend's cortex. You aren't thirteen anymore, geez. If you don't want to go with them, we don't have to. There are plenty of clubs we could hit that they would never go to. And besides, hearttakers and dreambreakers, right? Even if we go to the same club as them doesn't render us under any obligation to hang with them all night. And who knows, maybe it'd do the big lug good to see you enjoy yourself for once. Perhaps he'll see that you – surprise, surprise – like to have fun. And maybe, just maybe, he'll remember that he once knew how to have fun too.

Kitty laughed a bit, ashamed of her rant. I guess, if you put it that way, not going would be just like running away. And if there's a lesson to be learned at this school, it may be that you can run far enough or fast enough to escape your problems.

Rachel smiled. Now that's the Kate Pryde I know and love. So we're still on for tonight?

Yeah, we're on. Even if you just waned an excuse to check out Nightcrawler's image induced butt.

But it's such a cute butt, even under an image inducer. The thought bubbled with laughter. Then, she sighed as she pulled onto Graymalkin lane, Almost home now… are you ready

The brunette nodded her head, Yeah. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be- hey! Isn't that-

Rachel looked over in the direction of Kitty's finger. A large reddish brown wolf had just leapt over the fence and was now loping down the road towards Salem Center. She reached out with a gentle mindtouch. Yes, it's Rahne. I wonder why she was here- I thought she left after that unpleasantness with that healer kid. I suppose I could find out.

Kitty knew the story- that the young Scots woman had fooled around with the golden skinned student Josh Foley. Nothing beyond a kiss or two, and it hadn't lasted long as she understood it, but he was three years her junior and she was on staff. The school certainly had changed- years ago, the team had been supportive of her relationship with Piotr, five years her elder, and the members of Excalibur had begrudgingly accepted Pete, who had over a decade on her. But a teacher and a student was a different case.

Don't bother, Ray, I'm sure it's none of our business. And I think the poor girl's been through enough, don't you? It figures she gets chased off and Josh gets high fives from the other boys in the student body.

The redhead nodded gravely and continued up the road to their home.

"I am getting much advice, little snowflake, but I do not know how to decide what is best for me. Rahne is still that same sweet girl, who sees the best in people. She may feel I am better than I think I am, but I still cannot see it. I feel as a monster sometimes, sister. What I said to the one who had imprisoned me, that I am made of rage now, not steel. I feel this is true. And who is to say that a heart made of rage has the capacity to love?"

He turned and looked back at the memorial garden, at the statuary erected to honor those who had fallen in service to Charles Xavier's dream. He glanced at the large granite representation of himself, and his head sagged in shame. " I do not belong here, I think. Not among such people as these, who showed true courage. I feel unworthy. Elisabeth, at least, though also back among us, at least fell in battle, defending her comrades. I had good reasons to make my 'sacrifice'-" he laughed, a hollow, self-mocking sound. "Sacrifice? What an absurd concept. I did not think of it as a sacrifice. I saw it as a way to redeem myself, and to be reunited with you and our parents. There were options, yes, and I think I knew it at the time. But I did not care."

As he talked, he found himself wandering towards the memorials. He stopped in front of one dedicated to a man he'd known only briefly, but whose bravery and character had resonated with him long after that fatal explosion over Valhalla.

"Was it the same with you, John? Banshee could have stopped Nefaria with his sonic blast, but you continued to hit until the explosion that took your life. Did you need to give your life meaning, to prove you belonged? Was it worth it, in the end? Nefaria has, of course, returned, becoming more of a menace. And you are still gone. Why me, and not you? I ask these questions, and I do not know if there are answers."

He passed markers commemorating the Changeling, who, while dying from cancer, had taken the place of Professor Xavier while the telepath had prepared to repel an alien race, and Joseph, a clone of Magneto who had sacrificed himself to repair the damage done to the magnetosphere by the original.

His eyes stopped on a fairly large, simply designed black obelisk. It was simple in design, and was covered with hundreds of names, those lost in the so-called Mutant Massacre. The day stood as clear in his mind as if it were yesterday, when the Marauders had gone through the tunnels beneath New York City slaughtering the Morlocks. "Such a horrible day. Part of me died with those poor people. When I killed Proteus, I had no choice. It had to be done, and I was very sorry for Dr. MacTaggart's loss. With Riptide, I killed deliberately, and did not even look to see if there were options. And I would have done the same to Harpoon, had he not run. Yes, I would regret that callousness later, but at the time, I was seized with such anger I would have slain them all, had I the opportunity."

He continued to pace slowly, admiring the line of sculpture depicting Psylocke. It was the statue next to hers that he realized he'd been heading to all this time. The boy had been in his mid-teens, and the artist had captured the enthusiasm and sense of wonder he'd felt with the New Mutants. Though not born with abilities conducive to fighting supervillains, Douglas Ramsey had worked as hard as any of them to belong in that fight.

"Douglas. You were one of Katya's dearest friends. You both seemed to get along so well, having so much in common. There were times I think you two would have made each other very happy, had the fates put you together. You were good to her, and your death hurt her deeply. And you died saving your friend, Rahne. Truly, you were one of the most heroic of us all."

"It is a rather lovely day for such somber thoughts, little brother."

I said, By the fires, I see this is hell

And by the looks on your faces you're damned here as well

They said, Come and be welcome, wearing your curse

To get here you must have walked through hell first

Well I knew I'd been somewhere because I was burned

I was proud of my scars like trophies I'd earned

And I knew I was lost before I could begin

Where lost is a crime, desperation a sin

Kitty had fallen silent, contemplating the days events and revelations. In a sense, she felt that her life had been in a holding pattern since Scott had summoned her back to the Institute. She'd hoped that she was done with this life. She'd given it up, left the X-Men for the halls of academia at the Robert Heinlein School of Engineering. She had all new vistas opening up for her- engineering, politics, possibly a law degree. But Wild Sentinels and Purity assholes had kept her head in the game, as it were, and Stryker had pulled her the rest of the way in.

If you really wanted out, you shouldn't have used that old cliché about 'if they ever needed you…' Rachel sent. She was glad for it- if not for Kitty, she would still be enslaved by Elias Bogan, once again forced to attack and harm those she loved.

Hey, I said I'll always be there for you. And that was exactly what I meant when I told Ororo I would be there. I may have left Xavier's, but I never left the family. You guys mean everything to me. I just didn't expect to be called in to be a mascot. Hell, I'm outed as a mutant anyway, so being a teacher her isn't bad for the resume, but the idea of Emma having Scott make that call- to say I was needed here? I could've done without that. The brunette brushed back some stray hairs that had slipped in front of her eyes. Y'know, you make a good point. When I told Peter that finding him may have been why I was here, I may have been on to something. I found you. I found him. Two of my dearest friends. I had once tried so hard to save my parents' marriage, but now, somehow, I have been able to save those I love. Who knows? Maybe Doug and 'Yana are next…

Rachel knew she wasn't entirely serious, especially about Doug, but it wasn't a bad way to look at it. Kitty pulled her tail out of the fire more than once.

They'd reached the gate, which opened with a press of a button.. The two young women had remained quiet for these last few moments as they made their way up the drive and towards the garage, each lost in thought as the song wound its way to the end.

Rachel placed the Mazda in its spot, carefully easing it into park. She pushed the eject button and retrieved the CD from the player and handed it to Kitty. They slowly unbuckled their seatbelts, but made no move to open the door just yet.

"So…"

"So."

"Well, it was fun, wasn't it?" Rachel asked hesitantly. Fun wasn't the right word, but there wasn't really one that fit what they'd been through. In the end, though, she wouldn't trade a day out with her best friend for just about anything in the universe.

"Yeah, Ray. In a weird way, it was." Kitty replied. "Not that I want to go over my entire nervous system with an emotional electron microscope on a regular basis, but I'm really glad we did this… and thanks again for the CDs…" She leaned over and gave Rachel a long hug.

Marvel Girl sniffled a bit, "To the closets, then? Outfits for tonight?"

Kitty shook her head, "Actually, I thought I might go visit Illyana first. It's been a while, and I think it might do me some good to be around my Jiminy Cricket."

"Oh." Rachel said, quietly. She opened the car door and slowly climbed out, a bit dejected. "I guess I'll catch you later then?"

Kitty blinked a bit at the sudden change of tone. "Well, I guess so. I mean, if you don't want to come with me. I'm sure 'Yana won't mind."

"I don't know, Pryde. That's kinda personal stuff, and I get a little edgy around graveyards. I've seen too many in my life." II've filled too many/I, she added to herself. She put the keys back in storage and headed to the door leading inside the mansion.

"C'mon Rache," Kitty called after her. "Don't be like that… I'd really rather have you with me."

Sensing her friend's sincerity, the young telepath almost gave in. "Some other time, Kitty. I promise. Right now, I need to find an outfit that can make a man blush four shades of scarlet."

"Even if they've got indigo fur?"

"Hush, you rude girl!" Rachel laughed.

Piotr smiled at Storm. "It is always a lovely day to be among friends, whether they are alive or… resting." He cast a meaningful glance at the statues surrounding them, and sighed, almost imperceptibly.

Ororo did not miss the subtle cue. "Tell me, Peter, are you adjusting well? You seem quite ill at ease."

He spoke frankly, "No. I do not think that I am… adjusting… well at all. When I first came back, things seemed to be the same as when I left, but the more I learn, the more lost I feel. The population of Genosha slaughtered. The professor revealing his identity to the world. Or, should I say, his "evil twin" doing so. Jean again becoming Phoenix. And Magnus, acting so very unlike the man I'd respected and briefly followed during my dark period, he destroyed large parts of New York, and murdered Jean." He paused, reflecting on what he'd just said. "Well, perhaps the soap opera that is our lives as X-men has not changed all that much after all."

Seeing her friend try valiantly to hide his pain with an attempt at humor, the leader of the XSE reached out a comforting hand. "I know you are hurting, little brother, but you know you are among friends."

"Da, I know. In some ways, it makes things worse. I have come to realize that I am not the best of friends, especially to those I care for most."

Storm laughed, a silvery sound, "Rubbish! You are a wonderful friend. You just lost your way for a time. And you are a valuable teammate. I would love for you to fight at my side once more. Lucas might not appreciate it, given your history, but I trust you."

"Thank you, Ororo." Peter said. "I almost wish I could join your squad. I find that Scott's team does not seem to be as active, leaving me alone with myself far too long."

"And your attitude doesn't have anything to do with trying to avoid a certain teammate?"

"You too? Is everyone in the mansion fixated on Katya and I?" Piotr said, exasperated.

"Whatever happens between us, whatever we may mean to each other, we must be given time to discover this."

"I didn't mention Kitty at all, Peter. I was, of course, referring to Emma Frost. While she has certainly shown herself to be valuable in the field, and a capable headmistress, I know I would not care to be around her abrasive personality for long." She smiled, "But since you brought our Kitten up, how is she? She did not wish to serve in this capacity; she thought she had found another path. I was angry with Scott for asking her to stay on, and angrier still at Emma for instigating it. I feel it was an abuse of her trust."

His hands clenched into fists. "This is not right. If Katya does not wish to be here, she should be able to leave. She has fought the war, and lost her innocence and so much of her delight in life. She has done enough."

Ororo chided him, "This is unlike you, Peter. Kitty has proven herself more that capable of making her own decisions about her life. If she did not truly wish to be here, she would leave."

Peter sighed, "I know. I do. I just- how do I put this. I do not know to do. I have made a promise- that I will talk to her, to Katya. And, honestly, little sister, the idea of talking to her… it frightens me."

Kitty paced slowly, humming the tune to "More Thumbscrews" as she walked. She ruminated on everything that had happened, and grew in confidence. She wasn't a scared little girl anymore. She wasn't a teenager pretending to be an adult. She was grown now, a teacher and counselor. She helped solve other people's problems; she didn't wallow in her own

Her stride growing more confident, she headed toward the memorial garden. She hadn't visited her friend in a while. She thought about going to the Salem Center cemetery and visiting Doug as well, but that could wait another day. Now, the sun was shining, and she felt more relieved than she had in ages.

She froze when she realized she could hear voices among the statuary. She phased to silence and strained to hear. Ororo's laugh- there was no mistaking that. And… Peter. Of course. She knew she shouldn't, but she felt compelled to eavesdrop. He was saying something. Was that "Katya"?

The last line was clear, however, spoken firmly.

"…The idea of talking to her… it frightens me."

Kitty froze, eyes wide. She was right. Damn it, she was right. She ran back to her room, still phased.

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Author's Note- Not as good as I'd like, but here you are. There's one more chapter- if you've read Astonishing lately, you know what sort of ending is in their future, but I won't spoil it. Thanks to all my reviewers, and I hope you enjoy it. I apologize for the roughness. I was going to do some rewriting, but I'm going on vacation and I'll be away from the computer.