Dear Granny,
GAH! NO! SHIREBAGGINS IS LOST! NOOOO!
We was so close to getting him back from the nasssty elvses! Now they is trying to make him king of stupid Gondor! Aaargh! Shirebagginsies doesn't want to be king; he wants to come have a happy life in the fiery chasm of Mt. Doom. Then he can be the master! Eats fresh fish from the fish tank. We would even let him look at precious THREE TIMES A YEAR! Oh well. We doesn't like Shirebaggins anyway. We will get revenge on Gondor by faxing them fish every day. HAAHAHHAHA!
-SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
xxx
Dear Daddy,
Aragorn and I left in the middle of the night to go back to Gondor because we can't stand looking at you with one eyebrow anymore. And yes, I took ALL my dresses with me. We took the Heir of Gondor with us too, although we're not entirely sure what you did to him while you were eating playing with him. What is that disgusting hand thing on his face? Were you guys eating playing with the chalk again or have you recently become followers of Saruman? And HOW did you get him to grow so fast?
Our journey back to the castle was very fun. It was very short too, because the Heir of Gondor chased Aragorn all the way back. It was quite amusing to watch him chase his father past the nonexistent Gap of Rohan, waving a strange piece of metal shouting "MANFLESH! WE SMELLS MANFLESH!"
There has been some strange creature following us who enjoys jewelry fondling, squatting in darkness, and referring to self in third person/first person plural. He also doesn't like smokers. Anyway, he snuck up behind us and attacked us in the middle of the night. He was strangling Aragorn and saying "GIVE US SHIREBAGGINS OR WE'LL POKE YOUR LITTLE EYESES OUT!" when the Heir of Gondor valiantly saved the day. He sat on the creature and say "HORSY DADDY, HORSY!" This immobilized it long enough for us to run back to Gondor. We were going to knight him when we got back, but he insisted that we use some piece of metal he called "Mommy's Urak-Hai sword." Nobody wanted to touch it, so we gave him one of those fish that keeps getting faxed to us instead.
I'll come back to Rivendell when you shave off your other eyebrow. Oh, and if you see Legolas, tell him he can still be the prettiest if he wears a corset.
Love,
ARWEN
P.S. Do you like my new signature? The Heir of Gondor taught it to me.
xxx
Arwen-
Legolas wants to borrow your shoes and your green purse. He says he needs them for manly things that do not involve prancing around in a skirt calling himself "Legolina."
-Daddy
xxx
Poem by Shirebaggins, by Shirebaggins
I like manflesh.
I like womanflesh.
I don't like tofuflesh.
I don't like carrotflesh.
I just learned how to use another pronoun besides "we".
THE END
Dear Daddy,
We writesed you a poem. Does you like it? It taked us a really long time to make the words rhyme. We is back in Rivendell right now and the NASSSTY ELVSES gotsded us interested in poetry. BLAAAH! We was coming here to find mapses of Rohan, so we could find Eowyn and get some womanflesh, and some elf maiden came up to us and asked us if we knew what a haiku was. We told it that a haiku was the opposite of a lowku and to go away before we bitesed its earses off. Then we realized that it was WOMANFLESH! Then, just as we was about to devour it, it said "Don't eat me! I'm your friend Legolas!" We had to spit it out because we hates itflesh, especially without ketchup. Stupid Legolina told us that we needed to learn better grammar, so he locked us in the dungeons of Rivendell (aka English classes). We writed the poem for the nassssty poetry unit, and the teacher drew a big, pretty, red D on it, which we are pretty sure stands for the Black Speech word for MANFLESH.
-SHIREBAGGINS
P.S. We is learning better handwriting too. Can you tell?
xxx
Dear Arwen,
I think there is something very wrong with Legolas. He keeps shouting things like "You go, girl!" and "What's up, girlfriend?" I think he may be a bit confused; he seems to have mistaken your frilly pink thong for his underwear. But I must say, he looks quite becoming in it.
-Daddy
xxx
Dear Daddy,
"Legolina" and I are getting married in Lorien tomorrow. We WERE going to have the wedding in Rivendell, but you still haven't shaved off your other eyebrow. How do you know he was wearing your my thong anyway? I don't know much about half-elf culture, but for us whole elves and ¾ elves, it's not proper to watch your daughter's groom getting dressed.
-ARWEN
P.S. Have you seen the Heir of Gondor? We seem to have misplaced him again.
xxx
Arwen-
As postmaster of Rivendell Express, I am entitled to certain privileges (aka watching Legolina dress). If I were you, I would try to make 100 sure that he was male before marrying him.
-Daddy
P.S. Legolas wants to wear your mother's wedding dress for "manly purposes" that I wouldn't understand.
xxx
Daddy-
What's that supposed to mean? YOU would make sure he was male before YOU married him?
-Arwen
xxx
Arwen-
If I were you I would.
-Daddy
xxx
"Daddy":
Yeah right! I cannot believe you would watch my fiancé dress! You're not supposed to be gaping at my underwear!
-"Arwen"
P.S. I am getting a whole lot of things coming through the fax machine. What's this about?
xxx
Dear Daddy,
WE FOUND OUT WHERE EOWYN IS! Some strange person who calls himself "Grima Wormtongue" and looks like Snape wearing blue contacts has informed us that "they make for the fortress of Helm's Deep." Yay! We heard that Saruman was assembling an army to attack there next Monday. That will be very convenient, because we needs to get our white hand reapplied anyway. Nassty elvses forced us into bubble bath and hand came off (and was that Aragorn we saw under the bubbles?) We needs money for a bus ticket to Isengard or for us to ship ourselves there in a box. We would prefer a bus ticket, as Rivendell shipping is somewhat unreliable.
Loves you (aka we needs money),
-Shirebaggins
xxx
Dear Shirebaggins,
Due to mailing difficulties, I was unable to mail your last letter to your father. I was, however, able to read it and take offense at being called "nassty." You should learn to spell before you insult people. In the gift package accompanying this letter is a bottle of ketchup. I strongly urge you to acquire a taste for itflesh (aka EAT LEGOLINA!) Or maybe you shouldn't, because then who can I spy on while they dress?
Love,
Elrond
xxx
DEAR ELROND,
CHANGE YOUR ARZNOGING SHIPPING POLICIES!
-SHIREBAGGINS
xxx
Dear Daddy (the real one),
TEE HEE HEE! We has been having lots of fun since we left Gondor. We decided that we didn't want to go to Helm's Deep, because the battle of Helm's Deep happened in The Two Towers. Stupid "Grima Wormtongue." Now we has a new plan to get womanflesh. We's been writing fake letters to our new "Mommy" and pretending they's from "Legolina." We's convinced her to leave stupid Gondor to come "marry us". Hee hee. "Daddy" will be very surprised when he finds out that "Mommy" married a three-year-old, eight-foot Urak-Hai (by "Shire reckoning). We is going to dress up as Legolina for the "wedding" and when the NASTY NOSY PRIEST says we may kiss the bride, WE EATS HER! WE LOVES WOMANFLESH! Too bad womanflesh is so hard to find because stupid chauvinistic Tolkien only has about three female characters. It's his fault we has to wear a pink thong. STUPID TOLKIEN!
NOT LOVE,
SHIREBAGGINS
P.S. You can come to the "wedding" if you wants and we will share some womanflesh with you! YUM!
xxx
Dear Galadriel,
Sorry if I spelled your name wrong. Your parents should have picked an easier-to-spell name. On the other hand, it is very memoryable (aka easy to remember) (aka I'm not as wise, not to mention as smart, as Legolas, and that's saying something.) Moving on…
I have heard a very disturbing rumor and would like confirmation. My wife, Arwen, namely your granddaughter, is apparently being married to "Legolas" aka "Legolina" in Lorien tomorrow. Is this true? If not, do you know where Arwen is? If so, are you interested in a relationship?
Yes, I know you are my grandmother-in-law as well as my great aunt 100 times removed or something, but hey, Arwen and I are distant cousins.
One thing I am extremely interested in knowing about you before beginning a relationship is: do you find manly stubble attractive? If you don't, it's quite fine by me if you diminish into the West or whatever. If you do, however, you might consider a name change. Do you like the sound of the name "Polly"?
If you are indeed not interested in a relationship with me (a remote possibility, I'm sure), could you do me a favor and please forward this letter to Celeborn, making all necessary changes ("Galadriel" to "Celeborn", "grandmother" to "grandfather", "aunt" to "uncle", etc.)? Thank you!
Love,
Aragorn, son of Arathorn
P.S. The Heir of Gondor is missing again. Do you have any random children running around that no one will miss?
P.P.S. If so, will you please fax one to me?
P.P.P.S. Either gender is fine.
xxx
Dear Celeborn,
I cannot believe you thought yesterday would be a good time for your "manly bonding session" with Gimli. YOU LEFT ME TO SUPERVISE ARWEN AND LEGOLINA'S WEDDING ALL BY MYSELF! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH? DO YOU? DO YOU?
Well, I'll tell you what happened, since, because you are a wood-elf and not a high-elf, you are not all knowing.
Everything went perfectly at first. "Legolina" looked taller than I remembered, and he had been playing in the chalk. He was also wearing Arwen's pink thong, because he claimed he couldn't find his purple loincloth. We could all tell he was wearing Arwen's pink thong because he wasn't wearing anything else. Our granddaughter looked lovely. So everything was going according to plan, except that we had no flower girl and no best man BECAUSE THEY WERE OFF ON A "MANLY BONDING EXPERIENCE!" Elrond had to step in and be the best man in your place, instead of being a bridesmaid, something he was very unhappy about, because he didn't get to wear a purple dress. He was already mad because Arwen hid all of her tiaras from him. Also, I was very worried that we wouldn't have a flower girl at all, but thankfully a strange, green, slimy creature showed up just in time and offered to stand in. Actually, what it said was "The yellow face hurts our eyeses, but we wants womanflesh, precious!"
But other than those MINOR DETAILS, everything went well until "Legolina" got up to the altar. The priest was just on "Do you take this woman…" when both the groom and the flower girl jumped toward him, screaming "Nassty, nosy priest! We pokes it's little eyeses out!" Fortunately, the priest leaped to the side, so they landed in the cake, which was carrot cake. The "groom" spit it out, yelling "We HATES carrotflesh!" Meanwhile, Arwen was shouting "Heir of Gondor, what on earth are you doing here?" I suppose we should have known it wasn't really Legolina. Last night he was chasing people around, yelling "MANFLESH!" and claiming that he was no longer a vegetarian because "tofuflesh" sounded stupid. So, if you see "Legolina" again, will you tell me or Arwen? As he was leaving, I thought I heard him say something about how womanflesh was too much trouble and trying to eat the other female character, whatever that means.
So, it's been a horrible day, and I just found Elrond bathing in my pool. He seems to have picked up some bad habits from Legolina. And now there is hair in my drain. I must go now. Come home soon.
Love,
Galadriel
xxx
Dear Granny,
We is starting to get a bit worried about Shirebaggins. He has come back to Mt. Doom, but he's taken to locking himself in his study and poring over old maps when he thinks I'm not looking, only we thinks that's in the extended DVD. He also keeps asking us strange things, like how to say "tofuflesh" in Black Speech and what gender Legolas is considered. Does you know any good psychiatrists besides that Van Gogh quack who tried to cut our earses off?
Your cute little grandson who has six teeth,
Sméagol/GOLLUM
xxx
Dear Daddy,
I talked to the real Legolas today. What's wrong with his arms? He says he didn't want to marry me. He says he never wanted to marry me because then we'd have to move to Vermont and that would be way too far away from the Carivvean. We were wondering if homosexual marriage was legal in Hawaii. We could get married there, Legolas could get a grass skirt and coconut bra, and then we could move to Aruba. Please send us some advice.
-ARWEN
P.S. Legolas assures me he's still a vegetarian and he's never heard the word "tofuflesh" before.
xxx
Arwen-
Have you considered just marrying Aragorn and using Legolas for shopping advice? That way everyone's happy and everybody gets to wear a bra without going to Vermont. Speaking of which, I could use the support and enhancement, so could you send me a bra too?
-Daddy
xxx
Dear "Shirebaggins",
I have never quite understood why Sméagol named you "Shirebaggins."
However, I have several very important questions for you regarding "violent play."
1) When playing violently, is it more useful to use Mommy's Urak-Hai sword or an orc scimitar?
2) What is the maximum/minimum damage one can inflict on a dead fish?
3) A live fish?
4) Is "Pretend to eat Daddy except forget that we is pretending" considered a violent game?
5) What about horsy?
6) Is violent play beneficial for the health?
7) Describe the situation in which your father named you "Shirebaggins."
8) How do you feel evil forms of torture evolved in the last millennium?
9) Is a childhood of violent play necessary in order to become a good Urak-Hai warrior?
10) Are you a good Urak-Hai warrior, Shirebaggins? More importantly, Shirebaggins: are you a good son?
I see in my file that you have been "misplaced" approximately ten times (give or take a few) and have run away twice. You have so far managed to work yourself through two and a half sets of parents, leaving a trail of death and destruction (not to mention confusion) in your path.
Perhaps it's time for a career change? There are many career opportunities in Right Earth. I strongly suggest you move there.
Yours most sincerely,
Some nameless social worker/psychiatrist
xxx
Dear Arwen,
I received a very disturbing letter yesterday addressed to someone named "Shirebaggins", whom the addresser claimed was in my care. Is this what you have named the Heir of Gondor?
I'm sorry your wedding turned out to be such a let-down. I strongly suggest that you take-was it Elrond's?-advice and take the real Legolina back to Gondor with you to be your fashion consultant. Perhaps you could also lend "him" to me a few times a year. "He" is so amusing. I particularly enjoy "his" rendition of "Silmarillion: the Musical."
Going back to the curious letter I received, I am sincerely worried about the addresser's sanity. Has the Heir of Gondor been engaged in violent play lately?
Speaking of sanity, or lack thereof, I'm also worried about Aragorn's. Perhaps you should get him in to see a therapist? I can suggest a very "professional" one, if you want someone who has experienced all of your problems firsthand.
Well, I must go diminish into the West now.
I remain,
Galadriel
P.S. I don't care what Legolina says; your green purse matches my complexion, NOT "his."
xxx
A/N: So that's all there is; there isn't any more. I suppose Arwen and Aragorn got remarried and Legolas became chief fashion consultant of Middle Earth; Granny is still happily living with Osama in the Afghani desert, having long since killed off his other wives; "Shirley" eventually found her way back to Sméagol and Shirebaggins, and they live happily in Mt. Doom running the B&B. Shirebaggins gave up his quest for womanflesh and was content with the fish that kept getting faxed to them and Deagol found himself a super-perky Urak-Hai in a pink uniform who doesn't mind water and they live happily in the Gladden Fields beside the Great River to this very day. Galadriel diminished into the West when Celeborn and Gimli failed ever to return from their "manly bonding session" (although it's widely believed that they still live happily somewhere in Lothlorien, enjoying being "manly" and eating berries and such), Elrond became a recluse, staying in his rooms in Rivendell, although whenever someone managed to spot him, he was wearing a purple dress. That takes care of everybody, right? So they all lived happily ever after.
Or you could choose to believe that Shirebaggins, tiring of the incessant bottles of ketchup coming through the fax machine, gave in to pressure and ate Legolina, then proceeded to devour Elrond for bothering him, then just thought "What the heck?" and ate everyone else in Middle Earth as well, becoming fat and bloated like Shelob and living happily in Mt. Doom for the rest of his days. That's what I prefer to believe.