Dear Diary:

Today I finally got to Osgiliath, after a long, long walk. It wouldn't have taken so long if my horse hadn't drowned a while back. We did try to put them back together, but we ran out of glue. So it is that I have walked all the way here. Hopefully, since men are very easy to corrupt, some one here will take this dwarven ring of power and take on the position of the Tenth Ringwraith.

Your pal, Number Nine.

Note to self: Work on my tan.

And so it was that Number Nine reached the bridge at Osgiliath. Unfortunately, some young deviant seemed to have broken it. "Rotten vandals," muttered Nine. He was now in a very tricky situation. He was terrified of swimming across, because it is a well-known fact that Ringwraiths are hydrophobic. This is due to the fact that their black cloaks are made out of pure wool, and if they so much as touch water they begin to shrink. Since Nine hadn't brought a spare, he was left with one alternative.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, hoping some one on the other side would notice.

Now it just so happen that Florin, son of Morin, who defeated the evil dragon Red Eyes, who had killed the mighty king Rocksregan, who had once ruled a small land called Here, was walking around the city looking for his contact lens, when he heard the cry. He stopped and looked over the wrecked bridge and saw the one who had called him.

"Oh good, you did hear me," said Number Nine. "Now, I hate to be a nuisance, but some idiot has gone and broken this bridge. Now if you could throw a rope across…"

"NAZGUL!" Yelled Florin, who really couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Yes, yes, that's right. The ninth one, in fact. One day I hope to get promoted to eight, but we'll see what happens. Now then…what are you doing?"

Florin was currently scared out of his gourd, and was rolling around on the ground clutching his head. "Oh, my mind is filled with fear! My soul is being attacked by darkness. The very air I breathe seems contaminated!"

"Well I'm not surprised, you're kicking up an awful lot of dust, rolling around on the ground like that."

"The terror is over whelming!" cried Florin, and he cast him self into the river.

"Well, why did you do that? That was just dumb!" yelled Nine, who was getting more frustrated at not getting across. At that moment, another soldier, whose name was Floyd, came walking by, and saw Florin's body at the bottom of the river.

"Hey soldier, now isn't the time for a bath! You're on duty!" He looked across the river at Nine. "And what do you think you're doing?"

"Hello there, sir. I'm from Minas Morgul, and I was just talking to your man there when he…"

"The darkness is upon us!" yelled Floyd, and he too cast himself in the river.

Now this went on for quite a while, as soldiers kept hearing another soldier's cries as they cast themselves into the river, and when they went to investigate, they too would cast themselves in. Eventually, so many people had jumped in that their dead bodies had piled up enough to make a walkway. Thinking he should get to the other side before anyone else came and drowned themselves, he walked across the path of the dead and arrived on the other side.

As soon as he stepped on the other side, a new man was walking towards him. Lord Faramir was he, and he had been for quite some time. When he was born, his father had considered naming him Loretta just for the fun of it, but this thankfully never happened. He came within a few feet of Nine.

"Excuse me," said Faramir, "but several of my men seem to be resting at the bottom of the river. Can you explain to me the cause?"

"I'm sorry about that, but I seem to have this dreadful effect on people that makes them kill themselves rather than face me."

"That's unfortunate. Tell me, why are you here?"

"Well, I was just trying to get into the city, but some one seems to have broken the bridge."

Faramir sighed. "Yes that was my brother's doing. He has a terrible fear of bridges. But enough of this banter, you must come and have lunch with me."

At this moment, Number Nine realized he had a very good opportunity right here to complete his quest. He decided to try and sell the Ringwraith idea on Faramir.

"Well, Captain Faramir, I perceive you are very fair."

Faramir glared at him. "Is that some sort of play on my name?"

"Er, no, I mean that you're better than most people."

"Oh, thanks. I work very hard at being so."

"Tell me, is their anything you wish you could change in your life?"

"Well, before this whole war thing, I had wanted to be a lawyer. But nooooooo, being a lawyer isn't respectable, said my dad. He said I should become a warrior like my brother. I tried to convince him that we could simply sue Mordor for wrongful trespassing, but did he listen? Of course he didn't. Instead, he sends me to stand around here guarding this completely useless city for no reason at all."

"I see. And how long have you brooded over this?"

"Oh, I almost never think about it."

Number Nine smiled at him, which was very tricky, considering he had no visible mouth. "And would you say I could give you the power to change all that, simply by giving you… THIS!" And in a fashion some would call over dramatic, he pulled the ring out of his cloak and showed it to Faramir.

Now Faramir stared at it long and hard before he finally said, "Nah, I don't like rings. I don't think I look very good with them."

"Oh, come now, they're all the rage."

"I don't think so."

"It'd look great on you."

"Nope."

"Please?"

"I think you should leave"

Number Nine sighed, and started to leave the city to get to Minas Tirith. Just before he left, he turned around and said to Faramir, "Tell you what, I'll just leave this by the side of the road, and when I leave you can pick it up."

Faramir looked at him indignantly. "I never pick up things that are left on the side of the road, thank you very much."

Realizing that this was a hopeless endeavour, Nine continued his journey to Minas Tirith, leaving Faramir to prepare the defences, lest any one from the Enemy were to slip by.