Rain was pouring from the sky, as I walked the corridor to the potions classroom, it was clattering on the windows, making a beautiful racket. My thoughts swirled through my head, taking the edge off the numbness that comes with being nothing. It was getting harder and harder to pretend I wasn't nothing. I was getting too tired to hold my mask up, and I knew it. Somehow, and I don't quite know why, but I felt that potter could help me hold it up. Students were entering the classroom. As I moved toward the door, I felt someone beside me.

Potter

Our eyes met in a gaze with as much as intenseness as when our fighting was at its worst- but were weren't fighting. Grey met green and we were connected through the gaze. Both our eyes wore no emotion, aside from the curiosity that you might find in his if you looked close enough.

All this lasted less than three seconds. We both looked away. I entered the classroom without a word, and took my seat. '… once I have his trust' I thought'… what am I even going to do with him?' Even if I wanted it, it wasn't as though we could possibly have any kind of friendship as long as my house mates could help it. Why did I feel as though he had what I needed to find who I am? Was that even what I wanted? Didn't I already know who I was? I was a monster. An emotionless monster, who wears masks to pretend he's like the others, when he know that's never going to happen.

Pansy sat beside me, and put an arm around my waist. I felt the sickness I felt earlier begin to return. It was as though I was using her. She deserved better than me. She deserved better than a monster. I tensed in response to her embrace. And she let go with a sad look in her eyes. I hated myself. When all she wanted was to be close to me, to love me, to receive my affections- all I could do was hurt her. I wish I could give her my affection, but I don't have any. Monsters aren't generally affectionate. They have nothing, that's why I need my masks. That's why I need to pretend.

I took Pansy's hand in my own and smiled at her. It was the least I could do. She loved me, and this was the least I could do. If I showed her affection, I was using her. If I didn't, I was hurting her. I don't want to hurt anyone, but if she knew what a monster I really am, would she still love me?

The lesson droned on and rain continued to crash against the windows. My mind moved from thought to thought in an intoxicating dance. Before I knew it, the lesson had ended, and the last drops of rain were clinging persistently to the trees outside the window. My thoughts danced on. My cold, numb thoughts danced on. Minutes and hours passed me, as time began to blur. I stumbled around in a daze. I didn't recognizes where I was. I couldn't breath. What was happening to me? As my vision began to blur, I recall I hoping that I was dying. I fell to my knees. Yes, I was sure I was dying. It felt good. For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved. Then I saw them. Those green eyes, that I had thought would be my salvation. They were rushing toward me, I heard something fall to the ground. I felt cold hands on my skin. Was someone calling me? I was being lifted. Then everything went black.

"Oh, you're awake!" Madam Pomfry looked up from pouring some sort of syrup looking potion into a tumbler. "Then, you can take this. Don't worry, you've just had a little anxiety attack, you can go back to your dorm as soon as you finish drinking that potion"

I nodded, and emptied the contents of the potion into my mouth. It tasted sweet, and made me feel warm, and drowsy. It was nice. I felt almost like I could smile. Was this how normal people felt? I mean, people who weren't monsters. I thanked her, and got up to leave. I pushed the infirmary doors open, only to be met with green eyes.

Potter was there. He was leaning against the wall opposite the door. Was he waiting for me? Was he concerned for me? I didn't want anyone to be concerned, I didn't want anyone to love me. They deserved better.

Potter looked up at me for an instant, before turning, and leaving.

'There,' I thought to myself as I walked to my dorm, 'he probably still hates your guts. He just happened to be standing there when you came out. Did you really think that anyone would really love a monster?' I realized the truth in my thoughts, and feel both relieved and crushed.

'I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone.' I repeated this in my head whenever I felt like I was losing control.

'I don't want anyone to love me, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to love me, because I'm a monster.' I reached my room, and lay down in my bed without even bothering to remove my shoes.

'I don't want to be loved, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But I bet it would feel nice to love." My mind finally closed down, as I felt sleep come on, I still felt the sweet warmth of the potion, 'I bet this is what it would feel like to love. I bet this is what it would feel like to truly be loved'