I arrived back in my dorm close to midnight, and soaking wet. I had spent hours outside agonizing over what I had done. I told him I loved him when I didn't. I was a monster luring in another innocent child just trying to find it's place in life.

'I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be this. I never wanted life to be this way!'

"FUCK!" I threw my fist at the wall. Pain shot through my fist, and for a second all I could focus on was that pain.

"Draco, is that you?"

From the shadows emerged the person I wanted to see least in the world, because it was the person I wanted to hurt the least in the world.

"oh, yeah, sorry, I thought everyone was in bed. I just stubbed my toe, I didn't mean to wake you"

"That's okay! I wait up for you, but I guess I fell asleep so I'm actually glad you woke me" She smiled at me and it made me feel grateful for the pain that I still felt the pain in my hand. Grateful that a monster like me was getting the punishment it deserved.

She drew closer to kiss me, and I wrapped my arms around her. I did that because I really wanted to push her away. I shouldn't be so lucky to have someone so perfect embrace me.

"I love you"

She whispered into my ear as she began to kiss me in all manner of places.

I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to touch and to kiss and to love…. Someone who deserved it.

Somehow we found ourselves lowering to the sofa, our clothes seemingly removing themselves, and I awoke the next morning with her laying next to me and wanted to die, because I knew I'd violated something perfect.

I got up as quick as I could. I knew I should at least wake her up, but I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to be around her because I only violate her over and over again.

So I got up. I got up and I showered got dressed, and went to my classes. I went on with my life, and tried to ignore that I'm disgusting.

"but I am disgusting"

"What was that Mr. Malfoy?"

Snape was looking down at my desk with a confused expression.

"Nothing, just writing the note, Sir."

The whole glass sniggered, and I pretended to be embarrassed, but truthfully, I didn't care. I never cared. I hadn't the emotional capacity to care.

But then I noticed Potter looking at me, and found myself not knowing what to think.

All I knew is that I didn't want him to look at me that way. I knew from his face that he felt alone… almost as though he'd lost all hope.

'I don't want him to look that way anymore…. But there's nothing I can do… I can't love him, even if I tried to pretend, what of Pansy? And, and, wouldn't I just be violating him like I do to her?' I balled my hands into fists and dug my finger nails into my skin hoping the pain would distract my thoughts like the night before.

"Did you not hear me? I said class dismissed"

Snape was looking down at me again.

"oh, yes, sorry professor" I tried to seem as collected as I could, " I was just trying to read that last line, got it now, I'll be seeing you tomorrow!" I gave him a wink and tried to seem as cheery as possible. But turning to leave, I stopped dead in my tracks, Potter was waiting in the doorway. Obviously he wanted to talk to me, but he also looked like he was watching me, almost trying to observe me.

"Is there something wrong Mr. Potter?"

Snape scowled at him. He must have assumed he was here to pick a fight with me.

"No, Sir, sorry Sir"

He said emotionlessly, before turning out the door. I followed him knowing that he would be waiting for me just on the other side. I walked as slowly as I could, my mind screaming with each step. Opening the door, I saw him standing there, just as he had been weeks before when I had been in the infirmary.

"I don't know what's with you these days, but I just want to get it clear that I am defiantly not gay"

I nodded. He looked like he wanted me to say something. I had nothing to say.

"So aren't you going to explain what the fuck has been up with you this month?"

He sounded angry when he spoke, but somehow I felt like it wasn't directed at me.

"I told you already, I want to love you"

"fuck you, talk sense!"

He grabbed my arms pinning me to the wall, looking as though he wanted to kill me.

"You were right about me. I'm the worst. I don't deserve to have you love me, but please just tell me what to do and I will give me whatever love you want."

I don't know if he felt my sincerity or not, but at any rate he let go of me and we both sank to the floor.

"What do you want from me?" He asked in a quiet and defeated voice.

"I just want you to be happy"

But I can't make him happy, can I? I'm only luring him in close to me in hopes of devouring him, aren't I? Because what else could a monster want?