Harry didn't come to classes the next day. I didn't see him at breakfast and never passed him in the hall.

He stayed in his room the whole day.

As I walked to dinner, I was filled with self loathing.

'I don't understand. Maybe something did hurt him. I don't understand enough. How could I have acted without understanding? Oh, gods, nothing I do is ever right. What can a monster do right except hurt people? I should have died. I can't control what I do to people so I should die.'

"Hold up Malfoy"

a small gang of male gryffindors stood in my way. Including Harries red haired companion. A wave of panic spread through my nervous system and I knew this wouldn't end well.

"Tell me it's not true" Weasley faced the ground and spoke with a voice full of anger and resentment.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I spoke coolly, and he lifted his face his eyes looked as though he were ready to kill wearing unshed tears.

"Tell me you didn't rape him!"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. Time had frozen.

'I raped him. I raped him. I raped him. That's not what I meant to do Is that what I did? I think I'm going to be sick. How could I have done that. It's not what I meant to do, I was just giving him what he wanted, I just wanted him to feel loved.'

"I…. I…. that's not-"

"I will never forgive you!" He punched me hard on the nose and I fell to the ground. It felt so good. It felt good because it was what I deserved. It felt good because it stole my focus. It felt good because when I felt pain, I couldn't think.

I was heaved onto someone's shoulders and carried outside far from the castle. I'm sure they were too consumed by their rage to notice that I didn't fight back.

'To do this to me… to not want me to hurt him… they must love him.'

The wind caught in my throat as my body was thrown to the ground and a kick was landed in my gut.

'but I never meant to hurt him'

Someone lifted me up by my hair. My eyes were too clouded by blood to see who it was. I lost count of the times I was struck in the face before my back was hit with a blunt object and I was sent sprawling.

'I never meant to hurt anyone'

I never fought back, though. I never fought back because this was what I deserved. It was what I wanted. I had no doubt that they would kill me, which somehow brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was like the nightmare would finally be over. At that time all the things I had thought were important stopped mattering.

'It will be okay. I don't have to hurt anyone anymore. Pansy will be sad, but she'll be okay. She won't be dead. I will be dead, but she'll live on and grow to love someone who truly deserves it. The moment I die the nightmare will be over for everyone. And while I sleep on peacefully, everyone will be able to live happily.' I smiled. Everything felt so peaceful now.

"What the fuck are you smiling about?" an enraged voice rang out… but it too sounded somehow peaceful. "You're thinking of what you're going to do to us once 'daddy' finds out what we've done, aren't you?" I felt warm lips whisper into my ear and break into maniacal laughter,

"You don't get it do you? You won't have any chance to do that. Your life up to now has been worthless, and now you're going to die like the scum you are" I was heaved up once again by my robe collar. It was the most pain I had ever felt. Blood poured from every part of my body which by now was just a mass of bruises. I didn't know if I had been blinded, or if my eyes were stuck shut from blood mud and tears.

'oh, well, I won't be needing my sight much longer. Soon they will be permanently closed in a peaceful dream.'

I was hardly breathing, and I was sure I couldn't even turn my head let alone stand. I just lay there. Waiting for sleep.

"we're done here" Weasley panted

"Is he… dead?" one of the other boys asked nervously.

"Does it matter, let's get out of here."

I couldn't see them, but I pictured them in my mind walking back to the castle covered in my blood as a sacrifice to make Potter happy again.

'Will my blood bring peace to them? It's like the slaying of the monster that devoured the kings daughter so that the kingdom can live peacefully again. But… I don't want to die the way I lived… I don't want to die a monster. I wish I could have been something beautiful. I can't hold resentment fort the beautiful rose that was so lovingly cultivated and cared for. The rose that was so cherished… So loved…but I wish I had been loved. I want to die, but I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't the monster I am. I wish that I had died 16 years ago during the moment I was born, while I was still innocent.

No matter, I suppose. Soon I will sleep peacefully forever, and be innocent again.'

I smiled again. That was all I ever wanted.