The phone rang.
House held his hand up, stopping the patient's babble midword, and flipped open the phone.
"What?" He asked, speaking low.
"Hey." The voice was shaky and rather unsure.
House immediately sat up straighter. This was possibly going somewhere he liked.
"Where are you?" He asked.
"On your bed. You're not going to say anything suspicious."
"Why?"
"Because, you're kinky, you get off on this stuff and if I get embarrassed I won't do the really dangerous stuff like have sex in the elevator or on Cuddy's desk or something."
House had never actually considered having sex on Cuddy's desk. He liked it. "I'm in the clinic; want to come down for a consult?"
"That's suspicious. Besides, I'm on your bed. Listen." House heard the sounds of bedsprings creaking.
The patient glared at him.
"Hang on." House covered the mouthpiece of his phone. "There is nothing wrong with your eye. You're wearing your boyfriend's contact lens."
"I don't have a boyfriend." The patient huffed.
"You're roommate then. Whoever shares your bathroom. Go. Swap. Relieve their headache."
The patient left. Wilson laughed. "What was that?"
"When the file says brown and the eyes are one green and one blue; somebody's got a migraine and some other idiot runs to the walk in clinic because she thinks she's going blind." House tossed the file on the exam table. "Lets get back to you…"
"What are you doing?"
"Sitting in the clinic. One hand on my phone the other on my…cane. What are you doing?"
"I'm laying on your bed. I said that."
"I was more interested in what you're doing on my bed. Where your hands are…what your wearing…not wearing."
"I'm wearing…"
The door opened with a crash. Nurse Brenda stuck her scowling face into the exam room. "Next patient."
"I'm busy." House snapped. "Consult."
"I need the room."
"I'm…busy." House repeated.
"I need…the room."
House rolled his eyes, hoisting himself up on his cane and stalking out of the room. The clinic was full of snotty, sneezing, tired looking patients. A child chased another one across House's path.
"Do I have to repeat the question?" He asked, taking long strides toward the elevator.
"Boxers. Flannel. Not really sexy."
House jabbed the elevator button. The door slid open immediately. House entered, hitting the close door button.
"And…"
"A grey t-shirt which is to tight and I'm thinking might be yours. Sorry."
"Now that is sexy."
"House." It was a hiss.
"Relax, I'm in the elevator." House's eyes explored the ceiling.
"If you say anything, I'm hanging up and never doing this again."
"Come on, Jamie, you don't want to be a tease. Besides you can't get pregnant your first time…"
"Goodbye."
"No, wait…" The elevator door opened and nurse entered. House blushed, looking down. "I'm sorry, I won't…" Avoiding the nurse's gaze, House hit his floor button again. "Go ahead."
"Well…I'm on your bed.
The elevator chimed, door opened. House left the nurse behind, quickly walking towards his office.
"Okay." He said, stopping a moment to glance between Wilson's office and his own. Choosing his own, he pulled open the door and yanked shut the blinds, collapsing finally in his office chair.
Wilson swallowed, loudly. "I'm staring at the ceiling."
"Right."
"I'm...nervous."
"Why?" House snapped.
"Because. Because this is weird."
House's lips drew back into a wicked grin. "I'm coming through the door."
"I thought you were at work."
"No…" House sat back in his chair. "I'm coming through the door."
"Right. I'm laying on the bed. You come across the room, drop your cane, sit on the bed, next to me."
"And…"
"You put your hand on my stomach, under my…your…shirt. You rub my skin."
House grinned. "Feels nice."
"Yeah, you…"
The office door opened. House picked up the closest thing and threw it at the offender. It was the giant tennis ball, unfortunately, and bounced harmlessly off the glass.
Cameron ducked her head in.
"Can we talk?" She asked.
"No!"
She was ignoring him, coming into the office with a file in her hand.
"There's this girl in the clinic with…"
"Maybe I should hang up…"
"No." House heaved a giant sigh. "You. Stay on the phone." He barked, then swung the mouthpiece of the phone down near his neck. "You. Twenty seconds."
Cameron fumbled for words.
"Five most important words. Now."
"Girl. Headache. Arrhythmia. Fever. Please?"
House's eyes narrowed. "You would waste one on 'please.' Leave the file, test for drugs, and go away. Far, far away. Go alphabetize the lab equipment if you need to, just go away."
Cameron dropped the file on House's desk and turned to go. In the doorway, she looked back at him.
"Is everything okay?" She asked sweetly.
"Get out!"
House pulled himself to his feet.
"What are you doing?" Wilson asked.
"Retreating. What are you doing? I had my hand on your stomach, is it going down yet?"
"No, you're taking off my shirt."
The sun was warm and pleasant on House's face as he went out on the balcony. He could see Wilson's dark office, the glass reflecting at him in the bright sunshine. House swung his leg up over the balcony divider and sat a leg on each side. He smiled. The metaphor seemed to suit.
"And…"
"You're running your hands along my body. Petting me."
"That doesn't sound like me."
"No, it doesn't. You're being uncharacteristically sweet. Slow. You know I want this to take all day."
"All day, huh?" House ran his hand through his hair, short nails raking his scalp. "I think we're going to need some reinforcements."
"Nope. You don't have any pain. You're not tired. We have this big bed, the sun's streaming in. You lay on the bed next to me, touching my stomach. Then you start to kiss me…"
"I do."
"Yeah, your hand goes…"
The balcony door banged open.
"What?!"
Cuddy scowled, hands on her hips. "You were due in the clinic two hours ago."
"I was just there."
"Sure." Cuddy rolled her eyes.
"I've been in the clinic since noon. I'm on a break."
"This isn't a construction site, if there are patients in the clinic you need to be down there examining them." Cuddy's heels clicked as she strode across the room. "Give me that."
"You can't have it. What if there's an emergency?"
"I definitely think I should go." Wilson said. "I'll see you at home tonight."
Cuddy grabbed the phone from House's hand. "Hello?" She rolled her eyes. "Hi, Wilson. House can't play right now."
"But Mo-om." House whined, smirking at her choice of words.
"I'll have him call you back. Have a nice day."
Dial tone.