Disclaimer II: I don't own the song Sexyback. That belongs to Justin Timberlake.
Enjoy.
"I'm bringing Sexy back
The
other boys don't know how to act
I
think you're special, what's behind your back?
So turn around
and I'll pick up the slack"
"SexyBack"
Peter
'This is a first class prank!' James knocked over the cornflakes in excitement.
Mrs Norris was prowling on the table. That is disgusting. I swear, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I share a dormitory with Sirius Lee Orion Black, the King Of Porn And Untidiness! I mean, come on. There'll be cat hairs in the food and everything. Hair ball! Ewww….
That's just disgusting. I hate cats. I really do. I wonder if that'll affect my shape. I still haven't got near to it yet. James is getting there, and he looks kind of horsey. Me and Sirius keep ripping the piss out of him, and we hope he's a zebra. That'll be funny as hell. Sirius says he wants to be a superhott female. I don't think he's grasped the concept of Animagi- the power of turning into an animal. I said that to him and he just laughed.
By the way, superhott is a word. It's a Marauder word. We have lots including: considerating, getoutthecountry, takeachance, hawt, dragdoll, glamdoll, chinadoll, ohhhyeah, Marauderation, Siriusly, Jamesly, Remusly, Peterly, crazyfied, rebounders, jammeee, sexionsuggestion and panfishdead.
For example, a conversation between James and Sirius would go like this:
Sirius: Yeah, I was considerating her because she was hawt, but I ended up panfishdead because I took a chance-
James: Like, takeachance kind of take a chance? Was she really that hawt?
Sirius: Ohhhyeah. I guess she was kind of a chinadoll, because she totally went crazyfied and took rebounders at my sexionsuggestion.
James: No way! She was a chinadoll? I heard she was completely jammeee!
Sirius: I guess I should have been more Remusly.
James: But that would stop you being Siriusly.
In proper English with no Marauder speak this conversation would go like this:
Sirius: Yes, I took her into consideration because I found her attractive but I ended up being physically hurt in some way by a girl because I took a chance-
James: As in, over the line chance kind of take a chance.
Sirius: Indeed yes. I guess she was kind of tight, because she totally went angry and took offence at my offers of sexual pleasure.
James: No way! She was tight? I heard she was completely easy, and a slutty whore to boot!
Sirius: I guess I should have acted more like Remus.
James: But that would stop you being like Sirius.
Oh my god! Lily Evans just opened the Great Hall doors! Jesus Christ! They say she's intelligent!
WHOOSH.
A wall of water the size of the doors entered the Hall in a burst. Everyone was soaked, including us, but it was worth it. Mrs Norris was clinging to the top of Filch's soaked head and positively screaming and he was screaming, trying to get her off before she gouged out his eyes. Ah well. They both needed the wash.
Snape's drenched and his hair is plastered to his head. He looks like a seal! Ah well. At least he don't look like a greaseball.
'Where';s the foam? Where the hell is the foam? You did do it right, didn't you-' Sirius is interrogating James about the foam.
BOOM.
The Hall actually shakes as squishy, creamy white foam cascades from the ceiling. This is the bloody mint.
'Potter! Black! Pettigrew! Lupin! Detention!' shrieked a voice from under a mountain of foam.
'But I never-'
'No excuses, Lupin!'
'Oh my god! I swear, you are the most irritating, inconsolable, inconsiderate, cunty bastard I ever had the misfortune to meet!' yelled Lily, wiping foam all over her hair.
James stood up on the table and bowed low to her.
'Thank you, thank you very much.'
Lily screamed in exasperation and James shook his head sympathetically.
'She just doesn't know the words to describe the emotion she feels for me. I know. I love you too, Lily Dearest.'
Lily just threw a spoon at him and clunked him on the head.
'Evans! Detention!' shrieked the voice again.
Lily just stomped her foot and ran off.
'It wasn't her fault, it was them bastards that did it!'
'Miss Black! Detention!' shrieked the voice. 'I will not have such language!'
What a brilliant start to a Wednesday morning. It's the most fun I've had since… well, yesterday. (Yesterday I was getting off with Andrea. Again.)
XxX.
I hardly listen to Prof. Sprout as she waffles on about the importance of looking after the Bushbaby. Whatever. It's just a mini koala looking thing with spikes the size of your thumb that likes to live in leaves. Big deal. I'm so so so cold.
'Isn't it a bloody fantastic day?' beamed James, no sarcasm whatsoever.
'What? We've got detentions with Lily and Andie, so you and Sirius wont keep your hands off them, I didn't even do anything because you didn't tell me AGAIN and we're going to freeze to death in these sodding soaking robes. Yep, really bloody fantastic, James,' snarled Remus, trying to uncurl the Bushbaby from its leaves.
'Excuse me, she's my cousin,' retorted Sirius, though he looked like he was considerating. Ew.
'You weren't even around last night, and you didn't have Perfect Duties, cause I checked. Where were you?'
Remus shut up. Interesting.
'Yeah, where were you?' I chimed in and Sirius scowled and rolled his eyes.
'You know, you can't be involved in the pranks if you're not present! Where the hell where you?'
'It doesn't matter. Just forget it. I'm being gay,' mumbled Remus, really interested in his Bushbaby that was gouging his hand.
'Too right,' muttered Sirius and James in unison.
'AAAAAAAAAAAGH!' screamed Dawn Jones at the top of her voice. Another Dawn catastrope in Herbology, oh the joy. People really like Dawn but she gets a bit on my nerves. (OK, OK, maybe I'm just siding with my g/f but whatever.)
'The stupid koala thing won't get off my finger!'
Sirius went over to help her. Dawns friends Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance and Amelia Bones whispered together. Well, Marauders can play conspiracy games too. And guess what? We're better.
'Looks like Sirius has got the hots for a red, too,' commented James loudly when I nudged him to look. Sirius and Dawn don't hear but Lily does, and she gives him daggers.
'I know you're having trouble describing your intense attractions to me but its ok, we'll get through this, Lily Dearest,' he explained to her carefully. She sighed and made an impatient 'tuh' noise.
'Thank you! You're my knight in shining armour, practically!' said Dawn loudly (everything about Dawn is loud, from the brightness of her hair to the sound of her voice to the clothes she wears at the weekends) and shocked the entire class by grabbing Sirius's head in both hands and kissing him hard on the mouth!
'Miss Jones!' said a gob smacked Sprout. 'No petting!'
'I wasn't petting him! It's not as if he's a dog!' protested an indignant Dawn.
'Slut,' coughed Andrea.
'Whore,' she coughed back.
Sirius came back over to us, trying not to look pleased with himself and failing.
'Told you it was a bloody fantastic day,' said James smugly. 'Ohhhyeah! Fifth sense, people!' They highfived.
'Pure mental,' said John.
'Pure class,' said Shane.
'Pure bloody brilliant,' said Ronnie.
'How was it?' said Paul.
'Way to ruin his moment,' I laughed at him and the look on Sirius's face.
'I want a detailed diagram of a Bushbaby Friday, no excuses,' snapped Prof. Sprout.
Now that really did ruin the moment.
XxX.
'The Knarls! And hedgehogs! Offer them milk!' Kettleburn is screeching at the girls. They all burst out laughing and shout 'Kettleburn smokes hash!'
He doesn't even hear them. What a plonker.
'So, you guys got dates for this ball shindig?' asked Dylan Cross, the only Hufflepuff that really gets on my nerves (and James's. And Sirius's. And Remus's. OK pretty much everyone except the Hufflepuff boys seem to like him for some weird reason.)
'Uhuh,' said Sirius.
'Yup,' said Kyle Hall. He has this jet black hair that he spikes up, totally OTT.
'Who you taking?' Dylan asked Sirius directly.
'Dawn.'
'You already asked her?' James was taken aback.
'Fair point. Hey! DAWN!' shouted Sirius.
Dawn stops shouting "Kettleburn smokes hash" to shout at Sirius.
'What!'
'You're going to the ball with me, right?' he sounds brazen with confidence but he's tapping his feet- a Siriusly sign of nervousness.
'Um… yeah,' Dawn said in an unconvincing tone. She jokingly faces her friends and shakes her head 'no'.
'I'm serious!'
'I know you are. And I'm Dawn.'
She's good. Sirius might have actually met his match.
'I'll go with you, I suppose,' said Dawn in mock relunctance. 'But if I get a better offer, you'll need a new date, baby!'
Sirius blushed! He actually blushed. A girl has never made Sirius Black blush before.
'Anyway, Kyle, who you taking?' Dylan butted in.
'Well, I know who I want to take,' Kyle muttered.
'Who?' we all chorused. 'Tell, tell, tell, tell, tell.'
'Emmeline.'
'Alright, I suppose. Byron?'
Dylan's so bossy. I hate how he thinks he's in authority. He's just no funny. And just not cool. Did I mention I hated him?
'Holly Traveller.'
'Holly Traveller from Ravenclaw?' Dylan checked.
'Yup. She's such a laugh. And she's really sound.'
'She doesn't have much on top, but her ass is cute.'
Byron shifted uncomfortably and the conversation switched to Frank. You see, Byron is cool. We respect Byron because he respects everyone.
'So, I guess Frank's taking Alice if he grows a pair of balls and the guts to do it,' drawled Dylan, making Frank have a beamer.
'James?'
'Well, if I can brainwash Lily, I'll take her,' James said in a low tone of voice, looking around in case she was listening and Dylan laughed loudly. The prick.
'Remus?' Dylan continued.
'Dunno.'
'You haven't even though about it?' Dylan is surprised.
'Not much of a thinker, me.'
Liar. Sirius opens his mouth, probably to voice what I just thought but Dylan;s already moved onto me.
'You're going with me, aren't you, babe?' stated Andrea, at the exact right moment. She was probably listening. In fact, she was. Andrea is a Queen Of Eavesdropping. Anyway, score for me, cause now I don't have to ask her. She's just assumed and I've just agreed.
'And I'm going with…' Dylan paused, probably thinking he's creating 'suspense'. Actually, he's creating the idea that he doesn't have much between the ears and is an absolute twit.
Watching paint dry is more suspenseful.
'Lexy Toss,' he announced triumphantly.
'Lexy Toss? The stunner from Ravenclaw?' asked John.
'She's a Prefect,' chipped in Remus.
'She's well funny,' chimed in Ronnie.
'She's total smart,' put in Shane.
'She's sound,' added Byron.
The girls love him. He has more girl mates than guy mates, and they all fancy him something rotten. It makes him more alluring though, because he doesn't even notice!
'Yeah, but,' Dylan waves the compliments away. 'Have you seen the size of her tits?'
We all ponder.
'She's got such an amazing body. I can't wait to bang her after the ball.'
'Careful now, you might want to shut your mouth, you're drooling everywhere,' snapped Remus.
He's all for treating girls with respect yada yada. I have to say, I agree with him mostly, and so do Sirius and James (to a certain point…). But this time he's right. (Although I'll agree with anything as long as it looks bad to Dylan.)
Brrrring. Damn. I was hoping Remus was going to knock ten bells out of him. Dylan likes to think he's hard, but really, he's a piece of limp lettuce. And hell, with the moon coming up and Remus angrier than he ever has been, he could have completely mauled him.
A/N: In case you hadn't noticed, I've changed my name from Spearmint Polo to Ella Cinders.
A/N: I'm sorry that people hate Peter Pettigrew, but seriously he can't have been that uncool because James and Sirius wouldn't have been friends with him. And this story might get more depressing :( But it does have some happiness, laughter, banter etc.