His Philosophy
And I never saw blue
like that before
Across the sky, around the world
You've given
me all you have and more
It seems like no matter how hard I concentrate, the shaking doesn't stop. The sweat covering my body makes me feel even colder than I am already. I can hardly feel Mark's arms around me as we sit next to the window.
It figures. Today had been going so well. I woke up and my first thought wasn't about when I was going to get my next hit. Mentally, all I wanted was some coffee and...well, more sleep. However, physically I'm begging for a release from this torture they refer to as 'withdrawal'.
"Fuck! It's so fucking cold, I feel like I'm fucking freezing like a fucking popsicle!" I like the way 'fuck' sounds when said through gritted teeth. It's like a mental form of those little squeezy stress balls. "This fucking sucks and I fucking hate it!"
I slowly start to feel Mark's hands rubbing my back "Shh...I know, I know."
"No, you don't! Fuck you!" I coil my body tighter against itself and let out a sob. "I just want it to stop."
"Don't think about it. Just look at..." I feel his head turning, scanning the loft for something I could focus on. Finally he discovers the perfect thing. "Look at the sky."
"What?" I ask, my tone as confused as if he had just told me a dog stole my weekly Village Voice and sold it to a homeless person for a milk bone...or that Maureen was a lesbian.
"Trust me. Look at the sky."
I oblige, looking out the window and taking in what little of the sky isn't being obstructed by the city. There's nothing special about it today. Average shade of blue, average number of clouds, even what could be considered an average amount of sunlight. Is he high now?
"What color is the sky, Roger?"
Did I die and go to kindergarten? "Blue, Mr. Cohen. Do I get a sticker?" I try to sound childish and sarcastic, but the shivering and sobbing just makes me sound pathetic.
"No, because you're wrong." What the fuck? "It's every color. The blue frequencies are absorbed by gas particles and bounce in every direction, therefore we see blue because it's the predominant color. But technically, the entire spectrum of visible light is all there."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that things aren't always what they seem. And although it might get worse first...it will get better. One day you'll wake up and this: the shaking, the pain, it'll all be over. You'll stop wishing things were different and accept them as they are. You'll go on...because this isn't where it ends. I won't let it be." He cups my chin and turns my head to face him. "It will get better."
And I believe him.