Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of Darren Stein. All of the embellishments are mine, but the script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) Mr. Stein's. I make no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.
Outtake #1:
Fern: She's so evil... and she's only in high school!
Julie: Clearly you've never heard of the Columbine shooters.
Fern: Huh?
Julie: Never mind! Run!
Outtake #2:
Courtney: I killed Liz. I killed the teen dream. And it was awesome.
Outtake #3:
Courtney: We just killed our best friend! Do you realize what this means?
Marcie: Liz's boyfriend is technically single now?
Courtney: True. What else does it mean?
Marcie: We can raid her piggy bank and shoe collection?
Courtney: Maybe later. What else?
Marcie: You can finally get back that cute leather coat Liz borrowed from you last year and never gave back?
Courtney: Try again.
Marcie: You're a shoo-in for prom queen?
Courtney: (sarcastic) Bingo. Someone deserves a gold star…
Outtake #4:
(Courtney is introducing herself to Fern, who has witnessed the murder.)
Courtney: I don't believe we've met, what with the cruel politics of high school and all.
Fern: And the fact that you've pretty much avoided me on general principle since I came here.
Courtney: That too.
Outtake #5:
(Julie and Fern are sharing an intimate moment.)
Julie: It's just weird how time erases things.
Fern: Time doesn't erase things—people erase things.
Julie: Yeah, people erase people.
Fern: (muttering) Yeah, with big, candy-coated, ball-shaped pencil erasers…
Julie: What?
Fern: Nothing. You wanna get a soda?
Julie: No thanks. I'm not thirsty.
Fern: No, no—I meant for me.
(Pause. Julie flips Fern the bird and walks away.)
Outtake #6a:
(Courtney, Julie, and Marcie are in Liz's room. Liz's corpse is on her bed, and they are trying to think of a situation in which they won't be implicated in her death.)
Courtney: Wait a minute.
Julie: What?
Courtney: Rape... they'll check to se if she was raped right?
Julie: Yeah, so?
Courtney: (melodramatic; scheming) So… Maybe Liz had a friend over… you know… Mommy and Daddy's last night away—maybe he's from school, maybe not. But definitely into kink... He got a little rough, went a little to far—you know, there's a fine line between pleasure and pain. She screamed for help, but no one could hear her. Her screams were muffled by the huge candy ball. She tried, but there was nothing—only sugary sweet death.
Marcie: Oh my God, that like, totally gave me the chills.
(Marcie is actually shivering, and Courtney sees Julie over by the window she opened.)
Courtney: Julie, close the window, for fuck's sake.
Julie: Hey, I can't help it that Liz crapped herself! It stinks like hell in here.
Courtney: Wait! No! Keep it open—maybe that'll be how the guy got out…
Julie: Damn it, can we at least clean her up a bit, or spray something, it's so gross—
Courtney: —NO! Don't touch it! Maybe the dude was a fecophiliac, too…
Marcie: (confused) Feeka-what-now?
Courtney: Never mind. Just don't touch anything.
Outtake #6b:
Courtney: She tried, but there was nothing—only sugary sweet death.
(Silent pause.)
Julie: (chuckling) Holy shit…
Courtney: What?
Julie: (derisively) "Sugary sweet death"? Do you have any idea how completely fucking stupid that sounds?
Marcie: Like, I liked it.
Julie: (sarcastic) Please. You liked Going Overboard.
Marcie: Yeah, so what?
Julie: So it was a shitty movie, that's what!
Marcie: (defensive) Hey, Billy Zane was in it, and, like, Billy Zane's a hottie! Don't diss Billy Zane, Julie—he, like, never did anything to you!
Outtake #7:
Courtney: They'll believe it because it's their worst nightmare: Elizabeth Purr—the very picture of teenage perfection—obliterated by perversion.
Julie: Don't be such a drama queen, Courtney—it's just a jawbreaker. She choked on a jawbreaker—it was an accident.
(Pause.)
Julie: Right?
(Pause.)
Julie: Right?
Outtake #8:
(Detective Vera Cruz is interviewing Miss Sherwood and trying to round up the usual suspects in order to solve Liz's murder.)
Miss Sherwood: You don't think that Miss Mayo could have...? No. Miss Mayo is as sweet as the days are long.
Detective Vera Cruz: It's a crazy world, Miss Sherwood. Some of the sweetest candies are sour as death inside.
Miss Sherwood: (scoffing) No they're not.
(Detective Vera Cruz narrows her eyes at Miss Sherwood.)
Detective Vera Cruz: Excuse me?
Miss Sherwood: Oh, I didn't mean any offense. It's just... well, "sour as death" is just not a particularly apt metaphor to use. Some candies are sour, yes, but "sour as death?" Really? I mean, the scent and taste of a dead corpse is hardly tangy or sour—just horribly, horribly bitter—like most rotting carrion, actually.
Detective Vera Cruz: (accusatory) And you would know this how?
(Awkward pause.)
Miss Sherwood: I…saw it on the Discovery channel?
Outtake #9:
(Detective Vera Cruz is questioning Fern, a.k.a. Vylette, about who could have killed Liz.)
Vylette: This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend anyway?
Detective Vera Cruz: A friend is someone who tells the truth no matter what. A true friend never lies.
Vylette: To anyone?
Detective Vera Cruz: To anyone.
Vylette: Even if the other person looks like a fat cow in their chinos?
Detective Vera Cruz: (narrowing her eyes; accusatory) What are you saying?
Vylette: (innocently) Oh, nothing…
Outtake #10:
(Courtney is modeling some fetish-wear for Dane.)
Courtney: You like it?
Dane: It's okay.
Courtney: Okay? There's nothing kinky about "okay," now is there?
Dane: Look, I'm just… not liking the whole dominatrix thing.
Courtney: Why the hell not? Am I being too rough with you, poo widdle baby? Should I lower my standards, so I don't have to whip you so goddamn much? Is that what you're saying?
Dane: No, it's just… it's just not doing it for me. Not really.
Courtney: Fine. Whatever. I've tried dom—I've tried school girl—I've even let you spank me a little. I give up. You tell me. What do you think I should wear to get you hot for me?
(Pause.)
Dane: Could you cut your hair and dress up like the kid from The Omen?
(Pause.)
Courtney: Damien?
Dane: Yeah.
Courtney: Fuck off.
Outtake #11:
(Courtney, Julie and Marcie are teaching Fern about "lunchroom etiquette" and why it's not a good idea to eat during lunch hour...)
Courtney: I mean, food's cool and all. It tastes good and you need it to live. But the mere act of eating involves thoughts of digestion, flatulation, defecation, even—shall we say—complexion defection.
(Pause, as Fern chuckles uneasily.)
Fern: Wow… And here I thought I was weird…
Courtney: What are you saying?
Fern: Nothing. You just have a really morbid obsession with bodily functions, that's all.
Courtney: (defensively) No! No, I don't—I don't know what you're talking about.
Julie: (to Courtney) How'd you know about fecophiliacs, then?
Marcie: Like, what are we talking about? I'm, like, so confused…
Outtake #12:
(Courtney has parked her car in the lot outside their high school—Julie and Marcie are still freaked out about Liz's death.)
Courtney: Okay. Reality check. Liz is in the trunk of this car. And she is dead. That is a sad, fucked-up thing. But you are going to walk into that school and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking-ing.
(Pause. Julie and Marcie aren't sure they heard Courtney right.)
Marcie: Peachy fuck-what-now?
Courtney: (sarcastic) Did I stutter?
Marcie: (confused) Huh?
Julie: No. We just didn't catch that last part.
Courtney: I said, "Peachy fucking-ing."
(Julie and Marcie are still confused.)
Julie: Okay… Try it again, but slowly.
Courtney: (enunciating) "Peach. E. Fuck. Ing. Keen."
Marcie: Oh! Keen! That's what that was. I, like, totally get it now.
Julie: Sorry, Courtney. We totally thought you said, "Peachy fucking-ing."
Courtney: Did I?
Julie: Sound it out a bit—it's two hard Ks, and that can be hard to say.
Courtney: Peachy fucking keen. Peachy fucking keen… Wow, that is hard to say.
Marcie: Why not, like, say something like, "Peachy fuzzy keen"? That sounds better, I think.
Courtney: (scoffing) That's a stupid idea, Marcie. A fucking stupid idea. Who the hell would ever say that? Nobody says that—and nobody ever will, because it's that fucking stupid. Now, everybody, enough of this introspective bullcrap! Get ready to strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fuzzy keen…
Outtake #13:
Julie: How can you do that? Frame some guy for Liz's murder?
Courtney: Life's a bitch, then you die.
Julie: No, honey. You're the bitch!
Courtney: (leans in, tauntingly) Is that the best you can do, Julie? Really? Did you come up with that all by yourself, or did you hire yourself some professional writers? 'Cuz if so, they must be the motherfuckers who worked on Leonard Part 6, because what you just said made no fucking sense whatsoever!
Outtake #14:
(Fern has been ignoring Courtney, who, along with Marcie, has cornered Fern in the girls bathroom.)
Courtney: I taught you to disrespect us?
Fern: You taught me to rule.
Courtney: That's right! Rule, bitch! But don't forget who made you!
(Pause.)
Fern: God?
(Courtney slaps Fern across the face.)
Courtney: THERE IS NO GOD BUT ME, BITCH! Don't you fucking bring religion into this, because it's not going to save your bony ass now. There is no fucking Lord and Savior that can protect you from the fucking Reagan High Prom Queen—and that's going to be me, bitch! ME! And don't you ever fucking forget it.
(Fern is crying, smearing her mascara and lipstick.)
Courtney: (viciously) Now clean yourself up, you ugly whore.
(Fern, sniffling quietly, gets up to wash her face.)
Marcie: (aside to Courtney) But, like, seriously though—it's God, right?
Courtney: Shut up, Marcie.
Outtake #15:
Courtney: What a fucking tearjerker. Look, Marce—it's like Terms of Endearment Part III, only this time the boyfriend's gay.
Marcie: Yeah, and the rest of the cast sucks!
(Courtney glares at Marcie.)
Courtney: You fucking take that back…
Outtake #16:
Courtney: Never send a rose unless dyed black as a warning. And if one is sent to you, destroy it along with the sender. Emotionally, of course. It's not like we kill people...
(Pause, as Marcie and Julie look at Courtney, horrified.)
Courtney: ...on purpose.
(Pause.)
Marcie: Why are we talking about roses? I'm confused.
Courtney: You're always confused, Marcie. Maybe you ought to lay off the rohypnol.
Outtake #17:
(Julie is threatening to squeal on Courtney and tell the police about Liz's murder.)
Courtney: Listen bitch, one word and you're over—I mean that.
Julie: I'm not scared of you anymore, Courtney.
Courtney: We saw you—we all know you did it.
Julie: No one will ever believe you!
Courtney: Ask Fern, ask Marcie... We saw everything.
Julie: Yeah. And you left your fingerprints all over Liz's body…
(Pause, as Julie has caught Courtney in a bind.)
Courtney: (losing it) One word, you fucking cunt, and I'll tell everybody you had the hugest lesbian crush on me and Liz, and that you forced me to touch her body after you killed her, and the judge will fucking put you on death row, and you will fucking die...
Julie: How about four words—fuck you. I'm out.
(Julie walks away.)
Courtney: (yelling after her) Hey, "I'm" is a conjunction of "I am," so that's fucking FIVE words, bitch!
Outtake #18
(Courtney is hosting a party, and Marcie has forgotten something…again.)
Courtney: MARCIE! Reality check—I think there's a certain announcement that needs to be made…
Marcie: Yeah! I, like, finished my math homework super early, 'cuz, like, the foreign exchange student staying at our house is, like, totally doing it for me. The foreign exchange program fucking rules! Is that the one, Courtney?
Courtney: Uh, no?
Marcie: Oh, wait! My bad, everyone—I, like, totally forgot. Like, Courtney and I just wanted to announce that, like, Vylette is really a full-on, disgusting nerd-freak in real life, who, like, plays with hamsters, and, like, not in the good way, so she's, like, not allowed near the pool anymore.
Courtney: (annoyed) No, Marcie. That's not the announcement. Try again.
Marcie: Oh, that's right. We, like, killed Liz and locked her in the trunk of Courtney's car!
(Pause, as everybody glares at Marcie.)
Courtney: Marcie. Liz choked on a jawbreaker. Remember? (through gritted teeth) We had absolutely nothing to do with that. And besides, that is so…last week. I'm thinking of a different announcement—a happier one.
Marcie: (nervous) Uh…
Dane: Um…give it up for the prom queen, everybody!
(He points to Courtney, who accepts applause from the partygoers.)
Marcie: Oh my god Courtney, I am so sorry!
Courtney: (sarcastic) It's okay, Marce. It's not your fault your mom dropped you on your head as a baby.
Outtake #19:
(Marcie and Julie look on, as Courtney is interrogating Fern, who has witnessed the murder.)
Courtney: You knew Liz Purr right?
Fern: (nervous) I-I know of her.
Courtney: "Knew" of her—past tense. She's dead, Fern—she died.
Fern: (feigning shock) Oh… oh my god, she's dead?
Courtney: Yes. But we've got a bit of a problem because you know we did it.
Fern: You… you did?
Courtney: You heard us.
(Pause.)
Courtney: Didn't you?
(Pause.)
Fern: (lying) Uh… no.
(Pause.)
Marcie: Uh oh…
Julie: (under her breath) Oh shit…
Courtney: (to Fern) Whatever! You know now—that's all that matters. And that gives you a little something Fern, and it's called power. The power to tell, and you're the kind of girl that tells. A tattle-tale.
Marcie: A rat. A stoolie. A squealer. A blabbermouth.
Courtney: That'll do, Marcie. That'll do.
Outtake #20:
(Gothic Girl is in bathroom trying to find a stall, when two Make-Up Mongers stop her.)
Make-Up Monger #1: (blocking the door) I'm sorry—this stall is reserved.
Gothic Girl: What?
Make-Up Monger #1: Haven't you met Vylette?
Gothic Girl: No.
Make-Up Monger #1: It's all about Vylette.
Gothic Girl: Whatever—I don't care. Let me go, already.
Make-Up Monger #2: Courtney says this is Vylette's stall, because she's that cool and popular.
Gothic Girl: Fuck, I don't care! I just need to piss!
Make-up Monger #2: Go down the hall.
Gothic Girl: There's no bathroom down there!
Make-Up Monger #2: (snickering) Exactly.
Gothic Girl: Gah! Fuck you bitches!
Outtake #21:
Fern: (V.O.) The one in the green is Courtney. She was like Satan in heels. And not the heels that make your feet look smaller—I mean pointy-stick stilettos. With open toes, exposed corns and foul-smelling foot fungus…
Outtake #22:
Miss Sherwood: Do you know a senior named Elizabeth Purr?
Fern: You mean the titties?
Miss Sherwood: (confused) Excuse me?
Fern: (cracking up) Liz is the kitty's titties.
(Pause. Fern breaks down, laughing.)
Miss Sherwood: (alarmed) Is there anything I should know about you, Miss Mayo?
Fern: (snickering) No…
Outtake #23:
(Julie approaches Fern, now called Vylette, who in turn is with Courtney and Marcie.)
Marcie: Do you smell something?
Julie: Hi, Fern.
Marcie: Fern? We don't know a Fern.
Julie: What are you talking about? She's right here.
Vylette: My name's Vylette.
Julie: (confused) What?
Vylette: My name's Vylette.
Courtney: Learn it.
Marcie: Live it.
Marcie & Courtney: (in unison) Love it.
(Pause, as Julie stares at the two of them.)
Julie: God, you guys are stupid.
Outtake #24:
(Vylette, in her pink dress, gets out of her red Corvette and apparently waves to Courtney and Marcie.)
Vylette: Hi, girls!
(Vylette then walks past them, to talk with another group of girls.)
Courtney: (to Marcie) What's wrong with this picture?
Marcie: Her dress totally doesn't match her car.
(Pause.)
Courtney: What else, Marcie?
Marcie: She's, like, totally wearing panties after we specifically told her not to?
Courtney: (irritated) No, Marcie.
Marcie: Oh, I know! She's totally going to get a ticket for, like, parking in the spot reserved for the teachers, so she's going to bitch and moan about it all over lunch hour and we'll, like, never hear the end of it for the next two weeks?
(Courtney pulls her key-chain out of her purse and dangles it in front of Marcie.)
Courtney: Here, Marcie, play with the jingly keys.
Outtake #25:
(Courtney and Vylette are having an argument.)
Courtney: (threateningly) I made you, and I can break you just as easily.
Vylette: Good idea. Kill me like you did Liz.
(Courtney scoffs.)
Courtney: Don't be stupid. I can't kill you like I did Liz—otherwise people would get suspicious. Plus, you're a fucking diabetic, so candy's definitely not on my list for you…