Yay! Another chapter. I wrote two scenes in a different style, and while it's confusing, it's kind of cool. So let me know what you think of that. And what you think is happening to Suze.
--- Dead Inside ---
--- Jesse P.O.V ---
I watched in horror as her eyes unfocused.
I tried to speak to her but all of a sudden, she just fell; her body crumpling to the floor.
Distressed, I rushed to her side. She was so upset with me, and I knew why. I knew what she'd seen, although I never would have wanted her to see that.
I couldn't tell her.
It could hurt her. It would hurt her, more than I could handle. And all I ever wanted to do was keep her out of harms way.
I could lose her if she knew the truth, the whole truth. Not what she believes she saw. Susannah doesn't understand, I didn't have a choice.
I was by her side, quickly, holding her head in my arms. I cursed myself briefly for not being able to catch her.
I checked for her breathing, it was there. Warm and faint against my cheek. I held her wrist searching for a pulse, and was unsatisfied when I couldn't find it.
I checked her neck and became vexed when there was no thump-thump-thump of her heart. The beating was gone.
I scooped her up in my arms and carried her down the stairs.
I saw Andy and Helen in the living room; Susannah's step-brothers, like usual, were no where to be found.
"Mr. and Mrs. Ackerman," I said softly, with urgency in my voice. I couldn't tell them what was wrong because, I honestly did not know. She was breathing but I could not find her heart beat.
It was as if she didn't have one, like her heart was gone.
Helen and Andy turned to look at me carrying their little girl and I was briefly afraid of what they would think of me holding her while she flopped, limply in my arms.
Helen's gasp rang throughout the still air. Andy quickly jumped up directing me to put her down on the couch.
I did so and looked at them directly, "I don't know what's wrong, she just fainted, but I can't find her heartbeat," I said, trying to remain my composure.
"Oh no," Helen sighed again. She dropped to her knees and began stroking Susannah's face. Andy disappeared to the kitchen and came back in with a damp face cloth and a phone.
"Helen, I think we should call a doctor," Andy said softly.
Helen just shook and I wanted to comfort her, but I was just as scared that Susannah was hurt.
The only problem was, I started to wonder if maybe there wasn't anything wrong with Susannah. That she had just shifted or something.
But the fact that her heartbeat was gone, bothered me, and I couldn't leave it alone.
I took the phone from Andy and called my mentor from the University. He was working at the hospital tonight and I thought he could help me.
"Joe, its Jesse. Listen, you remember Susannah, right?" I asked, I had to turn away from her body, so I wouldn't cry.
"Of course, how's she doing?" Joe asked politely.
"Terrible. We were…talking, and then she just collapsed. I thought maybe she just fainted but I can't find her heartbeat, she's breathing, just barely, but…" I choked and I couldn't finish the sentence.
"I'm going to send an ambulance, okay? I just need an address." Joe said, calmly.
I gave it to him and with a quick goodbye; I dropped the phone on the table. I took unsteady steps towards the couch where Susannah lay and placed a hand gently on her fragile one.
It was cold and I worried for her. I should've left then. It wasn't safe for Susannah with me there, but without explaining, she would do something rash.
There didn't seem to be a choice I could make that would help Susannah.
The sirens rang throughout the air and I felt my blood pump faster in fear, and my feet freeze in worry.
This wasn't happening. I had tried to keep her out of harm's way and here she was thrown into it, anyway.
I was going to kill her.
Not on purpose of course, but just look at tonight. I hurt her and I didn't even mean to. I hadn't done anything but be in her presence and I made her fall. I did this to her.
I didn't realize, due to being so consumed by my mind's ranting, that I'd climbed aboard the ambulance with Susannah. I was still staring at her pale, fragile, hand.
I couldn't stay there. I just couldn't cause the pain of someone I loved so much.
I had to leave.
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Breathe.
Wake up, and breathe.
Open your eyes and see the world.
Ignore the silence, listen for the deep breathe.
Swallow, twitch, realize; you're not gone, never gone.
Loss of heartbeat, loss of soul, feeling empty; yet not dead.
Wake up, breath.
Open your eyes.
See the world.
White walls, white sheets, white skin.
Mother crying, weeping, sobbing for you.
Say it, breathe it.
Not dead. I love you, Mom.
Words not heard.
Silent as the beating, the beating of the heart.
Cough, sigh, mutter, make noise.
Don't be silenced.
SCREAM.
Startled eyes, pried on me.
Broken heart, began her beating.
Mine, still silent.
Nothing felt for the tears that poured down her cheeks.
I was dead inside.
Gentle touch on thy hand.
Quick eyes, quiver on the beholding.
Him, he, the evil, the slayer of my heart, my lover.
To limp, to tired to pull away.
To dead inside.
Breathe.
Rush of sound.
Speaking softy, shouting loudly, rolling wheels, and subtle beeping.
"Oh honey, we were so scared," says the startled eyes.
"We didn't know what happened, we still don't," evil beholder speaks.
Blink, blink, breathe, and stutter.
"Yeah,"
Don't care, never care, dead inside.
Startled eyes, close, disappearing through the door.
"I'm sorry," the evil speaks.
Demoted of intelligence, dead inside.
"It wasn't what you're thinking. I would never hurt you," the evil lies.
To tired to care, to tired to weep, to dead inside.
"Me too," stuttered a voice not known to my mind.
New to me, new to the world.
Sounding dead inside.
"I love you," the evil lies again.
No words, no muffles, falling silent.
Slight nod, blink, blink, breathe.
Blink, darkness, quietness.
Not me, not me, dead inside.
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I woke up to hear my mother arguing with the doctor. "What do mean something is wrong with her heart? She was awake earlier and seemed fine," she was chewing on her fingernail, as stubby as it was.
"We would just like to keep her longer to run some tests," the doctor says, his bifocals slipping off his nose, he pushes them higher up the bridge.
"Can we ask her?" my mother says, less intense a voice, almost…pleading.
"Ask me what?" I asked roughly, softly.
"Oh honey, you're awake. How are you feeling?" she asks.
Short answer, Fine. Long answer, miserable, headache, sore throat, rigid, confusion.
"Odd," I say simply.
"What is the last thing you remember?" the doctor asks, walking over to the foot of my bed and picking up a chart. He keeps his eyes on me.
"Um," I said, thinking. What was the last thing I remember? "Paul."
"Paul?" my mother queries.
"Yes, I…he drove me to pick up my car," I said, wondering why they were looking at me strangely.
"Do you remember anything after that?" he asked.
I shook my head, and immediately regretted it. The pain throbbed.
"What happened?" I asked, slowly.
"You suffered from a minor case of mental breakdown. Meaning too much stress to the limbic system, which is where your emotions evolve," his pen quickly scribbled something down.
I brought fearful eyes to my mother, silently begging with her, "Can I go home, now?" I asked, my voice becoming weak.
"We'd like to run some tests first," the doctor said again.
"Quick ones?" I asked, becoming tired suddenly.
He didn't answer me. Just went for a nurse. They made me do a bunch. Stand here, stand there and all the while I just wanted to rest my head.
The last one finally came, I had to be x-rayed.
I sat in the cold room of the doctor's waiting for him to return with the results.
The chair was cushioned, and I felt drowsy. Objects around the room blurred into shapes and then to unexplained fuzz.
I slipped back into the familiar darkness.
--------
Shaking.
Touch on arm.
Warmth, coursing.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Blink, blink, sit up, startled stare.
Bright light, squint, unprepared, glimpse.
Photograph, x-ray.
Hole, black and deep.
Empty, dead, dead inside.
Pointing pudgy fingers, pointing to the hole.
The dead, dead inside hole.
"My heart," the pudgy fingers cry.
The white coat, unwanted, wishing gone.
Not right, not wrong, just different.
Leave, Leave me alone.
Gasp, touch on hand.
Shriek, my shriek, the voice not known to my mind.
Leave.
Gone, alone at last.
Standing, staring, glaring.
Photograph, my heart, the black.
Reaching, holding, folding.
Hiding, leaving, walking.
Never staying.
Walk out.
Grabbed hand, squeezed to tight.
Pulled one way.
Startled eyes, has her hold.
Four wheels, windows, handles.
Car.
Get in, leave, going, gone.
Blurred, trees.
Blink, breathe.
Blurred pavement.
Blink, breathe.
Driveway, wind, open door.
Moving, walking.
Stairs, faces, eyes.
Pink, pink, blue forget-me-nots.
Bed, cushions, pillows.
Blink, blink, breathe.
Darkness.
------------
I woke up else where. I wasn't sure how I'd left the hospital. The last place I remember being was in the doctor's office. And I fell asleep.
Someone must have carried me home.
I don't remember coming here.
Feeling so tired, I climbed out of bed and moved towards the door. Only to have it open in my face, showing my mother, followed by Andy carrying a plate of food.
I jumped high, startled. Twitching slightly, I quickly climbed back into my bed, pulling the covers up to my neck.
I couldn't explain the sudden feeling of fear that had come over me as my mother entered the room.
She was worried about me, but I tried to brush it off by moving to the food they'd brought in. Food that I took two bites and felt full.
I wanted to sleep. I rolled over, alone in silence, only to find something plastic was stuck under my sweater. I pulled it out, only to see that it was an x-ray.
My x-ray. I glared intently at the black hole in the center. I felt sad looking at it, and instantly the page was thrown across the room by my own hand.
I didn't care, nor did I want to think about it more.
I wanted to sleep. Slip back into the darkness I liked to call home. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt like I was missing something, missing someone.
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R & R