--- Strong & Weak ---
I felt like I was in some dream or nightmare, as I aimlessly wandered throughout the world. Colours quickly dulling without him—just as I'd predicted. My lungs fighting my own mind to stop me.
My pace was too quick for them, my lungs, and amidst its protests, my mind too. But I kept running ignoring the nauseous feeling rising up my throat. I didn't care, I just kept running. Nothing could hurt me when I run. But that was just a lie. A lie that I desperately tried to focus on. Everything could hurt me, running or not.
It planned on doing so.
Albeit, the blissful ignorance was pure beauty that only I wanted. I wasn't sure what had just happened minutes earlier, before I took off. I wasn't even sure what I saw.
But why? How long has that been going on for? Why would he do that to me?
I felt like ripping my heart out just to feel numb of the pain. That was until I realized the pain wasn't coming from heart, like I'd thought. This feeling wasn't even pain.
This was fear. I had trusted Jesse with everything. All my secrets, all my stories, all of my life and love. Yet he betrayed it.
He was the only person I trusted with everything in the world, and he betrayed me. It left me worrying who else was going to betray me and what other tortures would attack me.
That's when I saw it. Whatever it was. A glimmer soft in the night's air, a laugh evil in the sky's fog.
But it was gone before I knew it and so was I.
------
It was late when I finally arrived. I opened the front door with my key, trying my hardest to stay absolutely quiet. It was, after all, past my curfew.
I was too weak to climb the entrance to my room, a guarantee safe way into the house. But I was exhausted and I just wanted to walk, not climb, not fight, just float.
I saw Mom lying on the couch, her droopy eyelids fighting her body's fatigue. She saw me enter mud stained and all. "Oh Susie! I thought maybe it was, you know, a ghost thing, and that you were hurt somewhere. You didn't, after all, answer your phone," she said, wildly for a person who looked like she was about to fall asleep a minute earlier.
"No, I just needed some air and I lost track of time. I'm sorry, I'll remember to call next time," I answered, beginning up the stairs.
I found my cell phone on my bed. Three missed calls, all from Mom. Not one from Jesse, the traitor that he was.
I shed my clothes, muddy from crying on wet grass and enter the cold bathroom. Although, the shower's water was warm and refreshing, I didn't feel any cleaner nor did I feel a heartbeat.
Fear coursed throughout me, and the tiny pit that had erupted in my stomach felt like it would explode, piercing me with sharp, jagged edges.
I wasn't Jesse's girl, or tough-ass Susannah Simon, anymore. I wasn't even Suze. I was just agony. Plain and simple form. I was the prediction of the end. And yet I didn't even know what the end was.
That's what made everything worse.
My life had no course, pit stops, or explanations. Just the destination at the end of the story.
I could literally feel the end growing near, but nothing I alone could do to stop it, to make sense of it.
I didn't sleep a wink, and left early the next morning, leaving a note for Mom on the counter. I got in my car and headed towards the beach. It seemed like it was the place to go.
I was tired as I crashed down on the sand, watching the one or two really early surfers out trying to catch a wave. I didn't want to be noticed. I was hiding behind some familiar rock.
I couldn't shake the feeling that something had happened here that I could remember. I closed my eyes and lay down on the warm sand trying to think of what it might be.
I heard a baby giggle forcing my eyes to snap open and me to sit upright. I looked past the rocks and saw the crowds of people that had come here for the Sunday afternoon.
I quickly found the baby building a sand castle.
I looked down at my wrist for the time, and once again was reminded by the fact that I never carry a watch. I pulled myself up off the beach, looking out on the ocean, I sighed, wishing my life had meaning like that.
I looked behind me at the semi-cliff, and saw the thing I'd been trying to forget. I saw Jesse with that girl, yet again.
But they weren't actually there. Because it was daytime, and what I was seeing was just around dusk. I realized that my eyes were closed and slowly opened them.
Although, I knew that Jesse has been doing something with someone without me knowing, seeing that which I'd been obviously trying to forget came as a shock to me as I crashed back into the sand.
Maybe we just weren't meant to be.
I shook the thought vigorously, repeating how much I love Jesse.
No matter what happens, I don't think I could ever stop loving him. I think this was the reason I picked myself off the ground, once again, and began running with all the fury in my body—leaving my car behind.
I didn't care where I was going as long as I was away. I just had to move, to run, and fight the fury climbing up my throat. The overwhelming anger coursing through my veins.
I was slowly losing control of my body. My emotions were out of whack and unbalanced. I was tired to the point that I might never wake up, to being mad that if I don't move, I'll explode with all the energy.
My heart raced as I ran down the pavement that made up the sidewalk, but I just kept running. Pushing my body to its limits, I moved forward.
I came to a halt as I landed in front of Jesse's headstone. We didn't remove it, and no one asked questions. It wasn't a big deal if they did, Father Dominic had answers.
I couldn't let the headstone be removed when so many important things had happened right in front of it. The stone was the witness to mine and Jesse's love.
I crashed to my knees, feeling faint. I cradled my head, holding it tight to fight off the imaginary migraine. I let out a wail, as I remembered everything that happened here. The kiss, the love pronouncing, his tender touch.
Thrashing a fist against the stone to relieve the something within me.
I thrashed until my hand bled. The blood seeping through the skin on my knuckles, whatever skin was left. Jesse was doing this to me, to us. He was destroying the perfect romance, the perfect love.
The crimson red blood disappeared on the darkness of the blades of grass and the thick mud. I didn't notice I was crying until the salty tear hit my lip and dripped off my face. I watched the blood and tear meet, before continuing to the ground, meshing to one large drop.
My mind burned with questions, and I felt so frail.
I searched for the strength in me, but was greatly disappointed when I never found it. What I found was a red sprinkle of light that brought forth a hideous creature.
I had to look away in disgust. "So, we finally meet, Susannah Simon."
My gaze shot towards…it. My face cringed as something slithered from one hole to another in its face. How did this thing know my name and what did it want with me.
My whole body shook with fear, and I swallowed my tears, "Who are you?" I croaked with distain.
I almost asked what, although, I had a niggling feeling that I might've pissed it off.
"The name's Verzerren Sie," I watched as the figure before me changed into the same skinny blonde I'd seen in Jesse's apartment. And on the rocks.
"But you can call me V," came a voice so perky I felt nauseous just to hear it.
"What do you want?" I asked my voice smoother but greatly bitter.
"That'll come in good time, my dear, I just wanted to meet the famous mediator," she shook her head, a smirk evidently clear on her face.
I couldn't process what was going on, not that I had enough time.
But when I woke up, the blackness that had enveloped me before dissolved and I found myself elsewhere.
-------
Where was I, was a great question, but I didn't get any answers.
I had an inkling feeling I knew where I was though. The chilly air around my face, the whiteness of everything and all the windows were a dead giveaway.
I slipped off the crisp mattress and landed barefoot on cold ceramic floor.
I was still wearing the clothes from the day before. The tattered rips and blood splotches marked my battle wounds, as I crossed the mostly empty and completely impersonal room to the door.
I whipped the door open and found myself staring at a hall. I came out and headed in one direction, towards the kitchen.
I saw him, Paul, sitting on the counter with his back turned to me. I could hear him murmuring and occasionally flipping a page as I stood on my toes for a single moment.
I silently crept forward until I was inches away. I could see that the book he was holding was old, like from our shifting lessons.
"How are you, Simon?" Paul asked, causing me to jump slightly. He didn't even look up, let alone turn around.
"Fine, confused, but fine," I muttered.
I watched as a smirk spread across his face. "I'll bet you're confused. I found you in the graveyard, unconscious," he said.
I let out a groan as I remembered the previous incidents before I'd collapsed. "Not again," I sighed quietly.
"Pardon?" Paul asked.
"Nothing," I paused, thinking, "Verzerren Sie, mean anything to you?" I questioned absently.
"No, should it?" he answered, starring at me quizzically.
"That was her, its, name," I said as I stepped around, pulling myself up, and sitting beside Paul on the counter. "I don't know why I remember it, but it's all that's running through my head. It was disgusting, but then it morphed, changed into a Kelly, almost."
I gently began swinging my legs. "Kelly?" Paul questioned. I felt his gaze on me, but I kept mine on my swinging toes.
"Yes, but worse. More perky, more of a bitch," I mutter again.
Paul tensed, slamming the book he'd been holding shut, "Wait, what was the name again?" he asked.
I stopped swinging my legs and looked at Paul. "Verzerren Sie, why?"
"Distorter," he answered, "Its germen. I read about V in a book of my grandfathers once."
I nodded as his eyes grew wide, "This could be bad, Simon. Real bad."
-------
"You're right, Paul," said Dr. Slaski, after we'd told him the story. "This could be bad."
I looked at Paul as he looked back at me. We were talking to his grandfather over the speaker phone. He was away at some hospital.
"I didn't have much information about Verzerren Sie, but a woman by the name of Deborah Suet did. A whole journal on it. V is believed to be the reason she disappeared," Dr. Slaski's voice sounded frail over the phone.
I let out a small gasp as he said her name. Paul looked at me strangely. "Paul, she's my great, great aunt. I have a page on her at home, that my mother showed me."
"We have to get that journal," Paul said. I nodded and slipped out of the room. I faintly heard Paul saying goodbye.
I felt the darkness trying to cover me again. And this time I didn't want it. I had a mission and for once, I had an answer.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on staying awake. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped. "Paul," I breathed.
"Simon, are you aright?" he asked, concerned.
"I'm fine, come on. Let's see what my mom knows," I muttered, walking ahead.
Paul drove us to my house. I walked up the steps still trying to fight the inner battle against darkness. I didn't knock, but swung the door wide open. My mother came rushing in from the kitchen, looking scared and drowsy.
"Honey, you scared me. I need you to start coming home on time," my mother scolded softly.
"I'm sorry, Mom. Last night, something happened. Listen I need you to tell me everything about Debra's journal," I said, trying to be patient.
"Debra? You mean, my great aunt?" my mother asked. I saw Paul's face screw up, funny, but I didn't understand why.
"Yes. Something she wrote in it, about the distorter."
"Umm," my mother sighed. "Well, I only have that line, I don't know where the book is," she chewed her lip, nervously.
"Suze, we could start with that line, and work from there," Paul added.
I nodded, "I have the paper in my room."
I quickly climbed the stairs to my bedroom and frantically searched for the sweater that had the paper in the pocket. My room had become a disaster since I'd neglected to clean it.
I threw a sweater on my bed, where Paul was sitting, and I heard him chuckle. "Nice, Simon."
I found the gray sweatshirt under my bed. I sat down with it, beside Paul. That's when I saw my x-ray. I guess Paul saw it too, since he quickly snatched it up, before I could grab it.
"Suze, what is this?" he asked me, looking dead at the center. The dark center.
"Nothing. It's just some x-ray," I muttered, looking at my hands.
"This can't be just some x-ray. Simon, this person has a shifter disease," he said, anxiously. I felt my breathing quicken.
"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.
"This person, their heart isn't healthy. Its sick, caused by something really strong. Simon, tell me, is this your x-ray?" Paul spoke quickly. His sharp blue eyes staring straight at me.
"I think so," I said, slowly. "I remember getting it, but not the results. I remember finding it under my shirt when I got home, but not putting it there." I looked up at Paul. "I keep blacking out, and it…"
"Scares you," Paul finished for me. I just nodded. He pulled me into a tight hug and I felt the tingly feeling that I get right before I cry.
"Tell me what happened," he said pulling away. I looked at his soft face, and felt the sorrow in me. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell someone. I needed this…
"I don't know. The last thing I remember is you dropping me off to get my car and then going to the beach. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital, and I kept getting weird looks from doctors. They made me do a bunch of tests, and then I guess they let me go home, but it's just another thing I don't remember."
I stood up, letting the sweater fall to the ground. "Jesse doesn't speak to me anymore, and I saw him with this blonde. Twice. One time she was at his apartment, and the next time was on the beach. But the beach one didn't make sense, and apparently the blonde is really someone else, or something else. And I don't know what's going on and I can't ever remember the moment before I wake up from the darkness," The tears had begun streaming down my face.
I dropped to my knees on the ground. Forgetting that Paul was watching me break right before him, I just sobbed. Forgetting the world, and yet all I wanted was to remember.
I wanted to know why Jesse and I were drifting. I wanted to know why Jesse was seeing someone else. I wanted to know who this someone else was. I wanted to remember.
"If I can't remember, Paul, I want to know what the hell Jesse's thinking. Something isn't right, I just wish I knew what," I sighed and wiped the tears from my face.
Picking myself up off the ground, I went into my bathroom. Staring at my face. My eyes were red, my cheeks blotchy and yet the girl in the mirror smiled.
She looked strong even when I felt weak.
The smile glistened and that's when I frowned. Because I wasn't smiling, the girl in the mirror was. "Paul?" I squeaked.
He came to me, staring at the grinning face. "I'm not smiling," I said.
Paul walked to my side, witnessing my face, and the face in the mirror. "Simon, I guess it's time I tell you about that disease," he said, still looking between me and the mirror face.
"When I found you in the graveyard, not only were you bleeding, but you didn't have a pulse. It didn't make sense. The shifter disease that I spoke of is when your heart suffers such a great pain that instead of breaking or hurting, it turns black. It disappears in your body and you split personalities, strong and weak. The reason you can't remember some things, is because your other person was in control. Until you mesh with the other person, you won't remember anything that happened when she was in control."
"She's stronger, isn't she?" I asked.
"Yes, but she's still you," Paul said, his voice wavered slightly.
"And when I'm in the darkness, she's in the light." Paul nodded again.
"I met her," Paul said solemnly. "She was there at the graveyard. She's upset with Jesse, I don't know if you know why, but she is."
"How do I mesh with her?" I asked, not tearing my gaze away from her eyes. Something about them struck me still. They held power, they captured, and they were just as green as my own. They were just my eyes.
"When your heart isn't black."
"How do I do that?" I asked.
"When the person who made it that way, fixes it," Paul answered.
I finally tore my gaze away from…my gaze and looked at Paul. I saw one tear trail down his face. His eyes full of concern and I felt the care that he had for me.
"Jesse," I said, softly.
Paul nodded. "Is there a way I can hear what he's thinking," I asked.
Paul's face scrunched in thought. "There is actually, but let's find out about Deborah Suet, first."
I nodded. I went to walk out of the bathroom, but Paul's hand clasped onto my wrist. My gaze intensified, looking at Paul's tanned hand on my wrist, to slowly dragging my eyes up to his face, staring at his one eye's teardrop.
I reached my free hand up, and stole the tear away from his cheek. "Don't cry for me, Paul," I said, softly.
He forced a smile and dropped my wrist. I picked the paper up off my bed and showed it to Paul. He looked at it, before leading me down the stairs.
My mother greeted us at the door. "Don't ask me how I got it, it just showed up on my bed," she said, pushing a leather bound book in my hands.
We went to Paul's after that. He was reading the journal while I lay on his bed, concentrating on my breathing. Thinking that maybe I could fix myself. I didn't have any hope that Jesse would. And knowing that there was something wrong with me was somehow harder than thinking there was.
He slammed the journal shut and turned to look at me. "I think its time, Suze," he said. I propped myself up on my elbows while he began to dig through the plastic bin that held all the shifter books.
He pulled one out, and flipped it out on his desk. He dug out three candles from his drawer and placed them in a triangle, lighting them with a lighter from his pocket.
"Stand here," he commanded, gently.
I nodded, and walked to where he told me. I stood there, closed eyes wishing Jesse's face to me. Paul's voice filled my ears and I waited for something to happen.
Nothing did.
"Done," he said.
I opened my eyes to see him, sitting on his bed, looking exhausted and out of breath. "I don't feel any different," I said, furrowing my eyebrows.
"Trust me, you are. You'll be able to hear Jesse's thoughts," Paul said.
I chewed on my bottom lips. "Do you think this is an invasion of his privacy, I mean, I should trust Jesse. I do love him and all; just I wish sometimes I understood him better. Does that mean we shouldn't be together? Since I don't understand him, maybe we aren't compatible or something. Maybe this version of upgraded Kelly should be with him. She seems to understand him, but then why does he not look happy…" I rambled on.
"Shh, Suze. This is the right thing to do, especially if Jesse knows something about V that we don't," Paul tucked the book away and came back to my side. "Come on, I think its time we told Father D. the story."
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So, you finally know what's up with Suze. Its gets better, I promise. I already have the next chapter written. I'm just waiting for some reviews and to finish the editing.
Hearts;
Tori