Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Chapter 5: Searching to Find Nothing

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

Several days later on a cross country flight from New York, Mark Sloan sat in his seat in first class. On the tray table in front of him, there were several pictures. One depicted himself and Caitie when she was 4, sitting on his lap having a story read to her. Madeline. It was her favorite book back then. And maybe, secretly it still was underneath all of the knowledge that Caitie had attained over the years. But like most things with Caitie, he would never know for sure. All of these images depicted her as a young child, before she developed an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. It was this thirst that had made his daughter into who she was today. And for his part Mark was extremely proud of Caitie. But at the same time he was also slightly saddened. Even though she would never admit it, Caitie was robbed of a normal childhood, of friends her age, dances, and parties and everything someone her age did.

And maybe to some degree her knowledge was also at least partly to blame for their strained relationship. Mark wasn't proud of it but he never knew how to relate to Caitie after age 5. She was learning so fast that by the age of 12, she had completed high school 6 years before her regular peers. 16 saw her graduate from New York University and 20 gave Caitie her medical degree. But there was also something else responsible for their less than stellar relationship. At the end of the day, Mark felt on some level that he was not good enough for his daughter.

As the plane progressed toward Seattle, Mark could only hope that this time he would be good enough.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Caitie was standing at the nurse's station at around 10am with coffee in hand. Rounds had ended 20 minutes ago and she had been assigned to Dr. Grey, Ellis again as she had been for the past several days. But something was amiss. Dr. Grey had been very punctual during their time together as Caitie had expected. However, today she was late meeting Caitie after rounds at the nurse's station as they previously discussed. She continued to wait though, figuring that the attending had gotten asked for a consult on a patient.

As she took a sip of her coffee, Caitie saw something short and blonde out of the corner of her eye. She turned to see a little girl no more than two years old walking down the hall in a pink top, denim skirt and pink boots. As she walked, the girl sucked contently on a pacifier. Caitie frowned and set her coffee cup down before going over to her and crouching down to her level.

"Hi there," Caitie said and the girl waved in response. "I'm Caitie. What's your name?"

The little girl tried to speak, but she couldn't due to the pacifier in her mouth and Caitie motioned for her to take it out. She did, "I'm Jordan."

"It's nice to meet you Jordan. What are you doing out here?"

"Looking for my mommy."

"Your mommy huh? Is she a doctor here?"

"Yes."

Caitie opened her mouth to say something when Ellis came down the hall with the look of a mother whose child was lost. She saw Jordan almost immediately.

"Jordan, thank god!" She said relieved as she picked her up and hugged her.

"Hi mommy!" Jordan replied brightly returning the hug.

"Baby, you scared mommy. You can't go off like that," she said kissing Jordan's head.

"Jordan is fine Dr. Grey. In fact we were just coming to find you," Caitie said.

Ellis turned, "Thank you Caitie. I appreciate you finding her."

"You're welcome Dr. Grey."

"Can you say thank you to Dr. Taylor, Jordan?" Ellis asked.

Jordan nodded, "Thank you."

Caitie smiled, "You're welcome," She said as Jordan popped the pacifier back in her mouth.

"Do you mind waiting while I return Jordan to daycare?"

"Not at all Dr. Grey."

"I'll be right back then," Ellis said and then departed with Jordan.

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

"Thank you for finding Jordan again Caitie," Ellis said two hours later in surgery.

"It was nothing Dr. Grey really," Caitie replied as she retracted a part of the liver to clear Ellis' field of vision.

"She can be quite a handful at times I'm afraid."

"I'm sure, but she's cute."

"Yes she is. I must say, Dr. Taylor I am impressed. You truly are everything I've heard about you."

"Thank you."

"Have you given any thought to staying in Seattle?"

"No, actually I haven't."

"And why not?"

"It was my understanding that I am filling in for another intern until she returns."

"That is true. But we can always use another intern."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that if you like it here, I am prepared to make a recommendation to the Chief to look into breaking your contract."

"You-you would do that?"

"Yes I would. You don't have to answer me now, just think about it."

"I will."

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

"So I heard you met my sister today," Meredith said at lunch a few hours later.

"Yeah I did. She's sweet." Caitie replied.

"Oh did Houdini escape again?" Cristina asked.

"Of course she did."

"It was strange seeing your mom like she was this morning," Caitie observed quietly.

"I know what you mean," Meredith said with a smile. "My mom is a different person at home than she is here now. Jordan revolutionized her life.

"You make her sound like some life-altering invention."

"Before Jordan we didn't get along well at all. But she became the common ground. I would never be living at home if it wasn't for my sister."

"Oh my god," said Cristina.

"What?" George asked turning in the direction Cristina was looking.

"McSteamy," Meredith said with a smirk, also looking in the same direction.

Caitie looked up and saw none other than her father talking to the chief. "I have a patient I need to check on," She said quickly before getting up and dumping her tray. She was out of the room before anyone could say anything.

"Crap!" She murmured to herself as she hurried down the hall. As she rounded the corner she ran smack into her mother

"Where are you going so fast?" Addison asked. They had only recently gotten back on speaking terms.

"Dad is here," She said softly.

"He is?" Addison asked and Caitie studied her briefly.

"Did you tell him to come?"

"Caitie…"

"Mom, please answer the question."

"Yes, I asked him to come, for you."

Caitie laughed bitterly, "For me? Oh that's rich! He has made it very clear where he stands with me. As far as I am concerned, he means nothing to me."

"If he means nothing to you why are you running away?"

"I'm not running away. I'm walking away. What part of I'm not speaking to him didn't you understand?"

"Don't use that tone with me Caitlin, I'm still your mother."

"Fine. But I don't understand how you could ever think that him being here would make things better!"

"Caitie, sweetie it hurts me to see the two of you not speaking."

"Did you forget what he said to me?"

Addison sighed, "He didn't mean it."

"Bullshit! That is such crap. He meant it but he just didn't want to admit it. I've known it my whole life at some level."

"But you still miss him Caitie. No matter what he is your father."

"No mom, he's not my father. Derek is my real father. He doesn't punish me because of my knowledge. He loves and cares about me no matter what." She paused, "Derek called me the night before my finals at the end of med school and told me that I was capable of doing this. He encouraged me even when I thought I would fail every single test and was more than certain I wasn't ready to become a doctor. That is the man my father is."

"I'm glad that Derek is there for you Caitie. But you and your dad need to work on your issues."

"No, what I need is for you to back off. You and dad made a terrible mistake that cost me my family. And as much as I love you, I don't know if I can ever forgive you, either of you," She said before walking away.

As soon as she was out of Addison's sight, Caitie ducked into the nearest on-call room and shut the door before sitting on the bed. There was a knock on the door a few minutes later. Caitie got up and opened it wearily and was surprised to find George on the other side.

"I just wanted to see if you were ok. You left pretty quickly."

She nodded, "I'm fine. It's all family stuff."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Caitie considered it and was about to say no when she looked at him. George did look genuinely concerned. Caitie ushered him in and closed the door.

"Can you keep a secret?"

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

Derek was walking down the hallway, chart in hand intending to return it to the nurse's station. But he stopped and mentally cursed as he saw none other than Mark Sloan standing at his destination. Setting his jaw, Derek continued walking until he reached the desk and handed the chart back to the nurse on duty.

"Derek," Mark said by way of greeting.

"Mark."

"You haven't seen Caitie have you?"

"No, I haven't and I don't expect to see her if you're around."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means."

"She's my daughter Derek. I have every right to see her."

"When it's convenient for you."

"It's easy for you to say, especially since Caitie comes to you for everything."

"She would come to you too if she knew you gave a damn about her."

"I do care about her!"

"You have a funny way of showing it."

"You don't get to judge me Derek."

"Don't I? You and Addison lied to Caitie and so did I. But here's the difference I talked to Caitie about it. I gave her the assurance she needed that I was still going to be here. But you? You never show up when Caitie needs you and on the most important day of her life you're a no show and you throw her knowledge right back in her face. Your mouth always did get you into trouble."

Mark sighed, "Derek, I want to make things better between Caitie and I. That's why I'm here."

"She's not going to want to see you."

"I know that. But I was wondering if you could talk to Caitie."

"I'll think about it."

"Thanks."

"Yeah," He said and walked away.

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

Just around the corner, Cristina snuck away having heard everything. She quickly went in search of Meredith. She found her in the locker room.

"You'll never guess what I heard."

"Cristina…"

"Do you want to know why the chief picked Little Miss Harvard to fill in for Izzie or not?"

"Why?"

"She's Addison and McSteamy's kid!"

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Well, there you have it! Stay tuned for more soon.

Lyrics- "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," –U2