Chapter 3

Silence so deep only my soul can hear........

It didn't matter how many hours Sarah spent mindessly staring out into space, a blank expression offering no insight to her mind. Her daily life was a dream, nothing seemed solid or real anymore. The only thing that brought her back to reality was the lesson plans for her classes, but planning what plays and sketches the classes were to do was only another reason for her to shut out reality. With hot tears stinging in her eyes she turned away from the stack of Shakespeare, knowing what painful memories they would bring back. He had always known which plays to pick for her amongst that stack, and she could not bear the thought of ever teaching another again.

In the few days since the bizarre incidnet with her computer, her life had changed dramatically. She became paranoid that someone was watching her. Just when she thought that she might have been slightly recovering, her world had come crashing down yet again, and she couldn't explain it. She hardly left the house, perferring to keep all of the curtains and blinds closed. She had made a habit of living in the dark, turning on lights only when it was absolutely necessary. She didn't turn on the television or the radio and only went outside to collect the newspaper, which she promptly threw into the bin without removing the wrapper. She just sat and listened to the silence that hung in the air. Morning turned to day, day to night, then back to morning. Day after miserable day. Calls went unanswered and unreturned, some even unacknowledged.

The dreams came all the time now. Ever since that night, the visions haunted her even when she was awake. Alcohol had stopped working, only succeeded in making them weirder and even more real than they already were. Some were so real that she knew she would be able to touch her surroundings just by reaching out her hand. They were visions of things she knew, but time had made her forget. Maturity had pushed them back into the recesses of her mind until not even she believed that they had happened. Too many lonely nights spent in the solitude of her old childhood bedroom had produced an overly active imagination. That was the only logical explanation for what had happened so long ago. No hard evidence existed that was able to prove otherwise. It was not real, her 'friends' were not real. He was not real. He just couldn't be...

On a particularly stormy morning, she remembered an appointment that she had made with Dr. Morris. Instead of giving in to temptation and cancelling, she begrudgingly showered and dressed, readying herself for what she knew was going to be a long session. She had gone without human contact for a while, so she knew that her introverted demeanor would cause him some alarm. Before long, she found herself outside of his office, climbing the stairase and shaking the rain from her clothing.

Sarah was not prepared for the reaction that her presence got from the receptionist in the waiting area. As soon as she had opened the door to the waiting area, the woman behind the desk jumped out of her chair and stuck her head into Dr. Morris' office. After several seconds of hurried whispering, the woman finally withdrew her head and turned smiling towards Sarah.

" Dr. Morris will see you right away. Go right in." She said through the strained and tight smile on her face.

Sarah didn't bother giving the woman an odd look when she passed. Strange behavior didn't bother her anymore. Some things were just better left unsaid and unexplained.Her senses seemed heightened as she took the cool doorknob in her hand, turned it with ease and entered the inner room. It was just like every other appointment that she had with the man, yet there was something unspoken, as if a secret had just been revealed in the few seconds preceeding her entry into the room, and she had not been told. Dr. Morris sat a little too straight in his chair, held his hands in manner that was a little too practiced. The air between doctor and patient was strained, much to Sarah's wonder. It wasn't as if she hadn't made contact with him in a while, and she had shown up for the appointment, so he shouldn't have been akward with her. She sat opposite him, focusing on the look on his face.

His cheshire cat grin faded a bit before he began talking, "Sarah, you sent me a very disturbing message the other night."

Her eyes widened a bit while she tried to figure out what he could possibly be talking about. "I thought that disturbing messages were the norm from your patients. I didn't think you rated them on how odd they were."

"This one was very odd, my dear." He began to tap his fingers together, forming a sort of cage.

"Isn't that a part of the reason why I am talking to you? I thought that people who saw psychiatrists said odd things anyway." She couldn't take her eyes off of his fingers.

"No, no, not necessarily. I think we may need to look at some extended care for you." Tap, tap, tap went his fingers. Sarah was distracted by thinking that the finger cage would be big enough for a fairy.

"What do you mean?" Came her half-thought about reply.

"Just a short stay at a quiet place where you can rest and be away from distractions. It would be an opportunity for us to get a better idea of how to treat you." Dr. Morris had risen from his chair and put his face directly in front of Sarah's. She had no choice but to look at him.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you? You think that I am not fit to live among normal people. What made you think that?"

He cleared his throat and stood up, straightening his tie, "It was the email that you sent. It was very detatched and..."

"May I see it?" She rose from her chair and stood squarely in front of him. He moved around to his desk again, opened the top drawer and pulled out what she assumed to be her file. Flipping through a few pages, he withdrew one and handed it across to her.

She couldn't believe her eyes. On the paper was the email that she had sent two days previous. Underneath the paragraph that she had typed out was the cause of his alarm. It was the sentences that had mysteriously appeared on her monitor screen, the ones that she had replied so frantically to. Now that she had the opportunity to read the odd ramblings, she could see how they would make anyone believe that she needed serious help.

"Oh this I can explain.. You see, my computer was acting funny that night. I think I must have gotten a wire crossed with a couple of kids and their instant message accounts."

"Sarah, I can tell that you are not telling me the truth. Now, why don't we schedule a visit in about a week's time? That will give you some time to think about how long you want to stay."

"But, classes start soon and I have lessons to get ready. I can't neglect my job."

"You can't neglect your mental health either. I'm sure the university will understand."

"But, no....I can' t possibly....I can't .." She turned and crossed the office in a few steps, opened the door and hurried through the reception area, not bothering to care about the stares that the others were giving her. In his office, Dr. Morris picked up his phone and dialed the number written on a scrap of paper he had pulled from his pocket.

"Mr. Williams? Yes, this is Dr. Morris. Yes, she was just here. I don't think she is going to take to the idea. Yes, I think that more drastic measures should be taken. I can have the team assembled tomorrow morning if need be. So, if I have your approval? Good."

* * * * * * * * *

Sarah was blinded by tears by the time she reached home. It took several tries before her trembling hands could get the key into the lock and actually turn in. What Dr. Morris said had shaken her so badly that she was afraid that she might not make it home. Step by shaky step took her into the kitchen, to the blissful oblivion that would come with the strong liquid that she sought. Pulling out bottle after bottle, her thoughts bounced around in her head.

"Not crazy.....only sad.....damn sad......crazy sad....."

She grabbed the first glass that she could find and filled it almost to the brim.......

Day became night, the night grew later. Around midnight, Sarah wandered back through the kitchen and noticed the collection of empty bottles littering the counter and floor, as well as those still full, standing tall and proud like a line of soldiers. Her thoughts wandered, making absolutely no sense, while from far away she heard the radio in her bedroom that she had turned on for comapany. The mindless chatter of the dj's announcing the latest contests and events that the commnity could get invovled in went unheard. The music went unheard. Phrases of songs floated through her mind, nonsense things that didn't connect. A voice from the radio reminded her of one that she had heard when she was young. One that had sung to her, one that belonged to someone who had held her close and danced with her, all the while trying to make her forget about that which she had wished away. But, that wasn't real. None of it had been real...

She leaned against a counter and slid down to the floor."You said that you would be there......Where are you?"

Nothing. Not a peep did she hear, save for the radio in the other room, "Damn you and your promises..."

The lights on the kitchen ceiling bounced and spun causing her to blink several times. The lights continued to waver.

A bit of song played over and over in her mind, and she said it out loud, just to break the silence,"As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you....."

* * * * * * * *

Sarah drifted between the wonderful floaty blackness and the blurry images in her kitchen. Things were so still, apart from the faact that her vision was casuing the to sway and bounce. Nothing moved of its own accord, and even if it had it probably would have made her ill. The floaty feeling enveloped her and her world faded more to black. From far away, she heard a voice calling her name.

"Sarah, open your eyes."

"Come now, don't be stubborn."

Sarah tried with all her might to lift her head all the way, but only managed a few inches. Opening her eyes was an easier task, but she resumed the battle with her blurry eyesight by blinking a few times. Through the haze a face appeared before her. It was a woman's face, soft and kind, framed by a mass of red hair.

"Who...who are you?"

"I'm here to protect you. Come on, let's get you into bed so you can sleep this off."

Sarah expected the woman to grab her hands and pull her to her feeet. However, she felt no grasp when she put out her hands.

"No, Sarah. You have to do this on you own. I can't help you."

Sarah blinked again and stared at the woman. The kind face smiled at her with understanding eyes. When she tried to take in the entire image, she couldn't help but wonder at the fuzzy edges that the woman had, kind of like the shadows of people on tv when the reception is bad. It took her several minutes to realize that she could see her dining room table right through the woman.