m a n t r a

He is not evil.

This is the mantra. This is what he tells himself. He is right, they are wrong. He is not evil. He is not cruel. He is not a puppet like they pretend he is. This is the mantra.

I am not evil.

He stands before them in a watershed moment, and in blinding color his mantra threatens to fall and expose him for what he is.

I am not evil.

He stands before them, in tortured glory, with a pride they will never know, they will never feel, they will never understand. They don't realize that he is not being controlled or possessed or anything of the sort. They cannot fathom that this is dream, this is his red-starred majesty, a flash of light before the fall. They do not understand that, wrong and tattered as he is, he is living his wildest dream - and how could they deny him his fleeting glory, his moment of pride beyond what they see? This is the mantra.

I am not evil.

He is a dreamer, he is a fool, he is trying to hold too hard to something that will never be, but he is not evil. He's not trying to kill them, not trying to end the world, not trying to destroy SeeD. He's just following orders, same as they are. They aren't as different as they want to be. They want him to be an alien presence, a far-off example of how far one can fall, but he's not. He's just a different kind of loyal, to a different kind of headmaster. He is not evil.

He will not believe it. As he stands still, as he listens to his oldest friends calling him a fool and a puppet, he wills it to be true. He never intended to hurt anyone, not even the chicken-wuss, not even Rinoa, not even Squall. He just wanted something for himself for once, just wished for something he'd never had. And Squall wins, because he must always win, and Squall's the one who does it all the right ways and watches while his dreams come true without bloodshed and failure. Squall wins Rinoa, becomes a knight, is the loyal one, a leader, Squall's victorious. Because he always is. Even when he loses, he wins.

Because Squall is not evil.

I am not evil.

This is what he believes, a desperate ploy, a truth and a lie, a dream and a reality that might never be, and shatters before he can figure out the real answer. This is what he believes, because he must believe it, because he couldn't live with himself if he didn't. He hasn't done anything wrong by his standards, and yet they all believe him evil, or possessed, or so far beyond help that they need not bother. He wants to scream at them, wants them to know it like he knows it, that it's his choice, and choosing a different path does not make him an enemy.

Does not make him evil, does not make him wrong. Instead, he shakes his head and walks away, shaking with unspent anger, and refuses to think himself like the people he once fought, refuses to believe that he is different from the ones he once fought beside. If Squall could spar with him and Rinoa could kiss him and Instructor could insult him with a smile and, and, and...

And Rinoa follows him, angry like he is angry, but Rinoa could never hide her feelings, and before he can stop himself, before he can think or pause or breathe, he grabs her arms and shoves her forward, toward the sorceress, toward certain death because Adel is not forgiving, because even Squall won't be able to save her once she's there, and, and, and...

And then he thinks, as she begs him to stop, as she raises her arm to fend off the sorceress, that he must have messed up somewhere along the line, somewhere in his dreams, back at the source, at the beginning. He thinks that the real reason Squall's never failed is that Squall's dreams are within his reach, and Squall never fooled himself into believing that he could have something unattainable. Squall never pretended to be something he wasn't, and as he stands still and watches the fruit of his dreams, watches with a sudden self-loathing he once promised himself he'd never, ever feel, he knows the truth behind the mantra, the cold fact of Rinoa's scream.

He is not evil.

He is a liar.
---
--
-
(A/N: I'm really not happy with this. I don't know why, but... Oh well. Maybe I'm just crazy. Why not review and tell me so. Or that I'm not, and I suck. Either way. Just leave a review.)